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I need help. I've been avoiding posting on SI because I'm scared. My fears are stupid and make no sense but that's the point. I'm scared of appearing as anything less than the perfect and remorseful spouse. I'm scared what my spouse might think when my thoughts and questions only point out further just how incapable I am of intuitively understanding her needs, or reaching outside of myself to see things clearly. I don't want the world to see that I freeze like a deer in the headlights when confronted with the affair. I am so busy looking for justifications and excuses, even now, even when all the truth is out there, even when there is nothing to hide from... there are still a few last things to hide from. Accountability. Remorse. Recompense. And these are the things both she and I need to heal.

The thing about being a WS (for me at least) is that the very same thought patterns that allowed me to put up walls inside of my mind and make it okay to have an affair, are the same thoughts that keep those walls up even now and prevent me from accepting the responsibility for those actions. They keep me from being able to recognize and provide what my wife needs from me right now... empathy, compassion, the ability to see what she needs. And they keep me from providing myself with those very same things so that I can heal as well. I cannot love myself, and so my efforts to love her and my children are inadequate. I end up giving them pleasantries, not protection.

She needs me. She is desperate for my help and support, my compassion, my understanding, my acknowledgement of how terribly I hurt her and my efforts to make her whole again. And I am desperate to give these things to her. It is not that I deny my actions or how awful they were, and there is no shortage of shame and guilt. What I seem to lack is the ability to really "own it" in terms of accepting the guilt on a deeper, heart-felt level. I want to. I need to. So why can't I?

The other day I was PM'ing with another person on SI. She was struggling with her spouse, because he was unable to give her something she specifically asked for. I felt so sorry for her. It hurt me that she was unable to have what she needed and that it was clearly tearing at her. I felt for him as well, as I know he wants to give her what she needs, he is just so broken and the walls prevent him from doing the most simple, straight-forward thing. I wanted to cry inside. I wrote to both of them and told them how deeply I feel for them. And then it occurred to me that the very same feelings I had for them, I could not have for my wife (or even myself).

Why can't I do that for my wife? Why can't I do it for myself?

I know the answers to these questions run deep, deep into my FOO issues, and much more recently, into a mental breakdown that brought those long buried FOO issues to a head and in doing so, brought about the changes in me that led to the affair.

Inside, I am screaming, all day, all night. I am shouting, "It wasn't me! It wasn't me! If I hadn't had the breakdown the affair would have never happened! Don't blame me, I was crazy at the time! Blame the alter ego that came out!" And while I do believe that the affair and even my own reluctance to accept the consequences and responsibility for my actions came as a result of that breakdown... it really doesn't matter. It was still me. My body. My mind. My lies. My actions. And so whether or not I was crazy at the time doesn't matter right now, because the end result is exactly the same. She was betrayed and lied to, and her whole world was devastated. Me telling her I was nuts only makes it worse for her, and makes her feel like I care even less for her then I did during the affair, and I have even less of an "excuse" now, because I've managed to get a lot of the outward "Crazy" under control. Our marriage, our family, our finances... all ruined because of me. And yet my heart remains covered in Teflon, unable to accept that I am anything less than a loving and good person. That I could never do this. Except that I did.

Part of it too is simply me being too selfish. My wife tells me all the time that I'm very good at getting what I want in life. But wanting something and figuring out how to get it is different than knowing what someone else wants and figuring out how to give it to them. Or is that still just me being wrapped up in myself? My own confusion about what is true and what is not (that is, regarding my feelings. So often I try to make it all about her and end up still making it all about me, and can't see it until it is pointed out to me) only fuels my feelings of inadequacy and shame and makes things worse. It is almost impossible to think about someone else when your tail is between your legs.

Help me WS's. How did you manage to get past the selfishness and the shame? What was your aha moment that allowed you to put down the walls and open up? How do I get over my own feelings and make hers the priority rather than mine? It's all there logically. I need to get it all there emotionally.

I actually say this a lot which probably gets boring to read, I'm aware, but it bears repeating.

Learn that your pain won't actually kill you. Sit with it. Stare it in the eye. Understand that as bad as it makes you feel, it has no real power over you UNLESS you run from it.

Once you confront the monster under the bed, it loses all power it had over you.

DaddyDom,

Sorry your day is so crappy. The "I don't know how" is frustrating. I don't think it is unobtainable.

She needs me. She is desperate for my help and support, my compassion, my understanding, my acknowledgement of how terribly I hurt her and my efforts to make her whole again. And I am desperate to give these things to her. It is not that I deny my actions or how awful they were, and there is no shortage of shame and guilt. What I seem to lack is the ability to really "own it" in terms of accepting the guilt on a deeper, heart-felt level. I want to. I need to. So why can't I?

I am right there in the fight with you. I like what smokenfire said. I feel there is hope to find it if you keep looking.

I really feel your discouragement and want to encourage you to just keep showing up in your marriage.

Not a WS, but maybe consider a copy of How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women by Terrence Real.

I think in order to get to the level of intimacy you're looking for, you're going to have to release your shame. Real's work is interesting, with some thought-provoking points on gender differences, depression, shame, and how these things interfere with establishing intimate relationships. At the minimum, it'll get you thinking about how shame is hindering your progress.

Are you in IC? You need to work on changing, forgiving yourself and letting go of the shame.

It was who you were THEN. That was you. YOU did that. YOU hurt her. YOU endangered your children. BUT that is not who you are NOW. NOW is what matters.

DMing you.

What have those walls ever done for you?

Have they made your life better?

I am a BS and I read your post with great interest and will follow it, because I believe my WS struggles with these emotions and thoughts exactly as you. I wonder if we as people are just wired differently. Personally I struggle with thinking about my own needs. I am a giver, healer, an empath, and I have always struggled with WS needs and demands for himself. I think him having two affairs is reflective of this selfishness and entitlement syndrome. I know my WS has a lot of FOO issues and you mentioned them also. It is why I am still here, why I am being as patient as I can be, but must admit that I am not sure how much more I can take. You sound like you are a very caring person and you write eloquently and it shows your concern and real acceptance of your faults and issues. You will get there. I only wish my WS would at least understand his issues and the damage he continues to cause because of them , half as well as you do.....He just doesn't get it

I don't think you'll ever get over the shame. I don't think you should make that a priority. Shame will hit you when you least expect it.. it will cause that gut wrenching , OMG what the f have I done feeling years later. I've actually learned to embrace it and see it for what it is.. total disgust and remorse for my actions.

What you need to do is to not let the shame stop you from your work. Work through the shame.. and don't let the shame become your essence. Don't use it as an excuse to not do what is right but as motivation to do what is required and needed.

Ok

First post eaten.. argh... Anyhow, read all post.

Problem: you can't seem to empathise truly with your wife, but can with others on SI.

A Philosophy: First principles are first. This means if you truly truly want and need something, then injury or risk of death to get it is ok. It's truly first. This sounds harsh as we all have competing firsts, but for you, here, your need is maximum.

Real Problem: Why isn't your W first? Truly first. Yes, I read all the words. You say it, but it ain't there it seems.

Suggestion: Drop all else and answer that question! No more FOO or other distracting excuses or rationales or new things to solve. The time is now. Simply why isn't your W first?

IMO, I suspect this will force you as Smokenfire said, to,wallow in the pain. Equally, maybe you do have empathy but she simply can't be first for you now, which is sad but not wrong. Maybe the A was your deal breaker too. I don't know your whole story, but .....

why isn't your W first enough.

Answer that and I think you'll be there. Not why am imselfish. Not why am I compartmentalised or how can I beat it? Not, what about me makes her not first? Simply ... Just why isn't she... cuz if she was first you wouldn't be asking.

My possibly way off base 37.5p -- IDK

Inside, I am screaming, all day, all night. I am shouting, "It wasn't me! It wasn't me! If I hadn't had the breakdown the affair would have never happened! Don't blame me, I was crazy at the time! Blame the alter ego that came out!"

I am a BS but certainly am a red blooded male.

After D-days with my spouse, you better believe I was tempted. With her rampant swinger lifestyle that came out, surely I could taste the fruit too? Why not, who wouldn't want the forbidden fruit? Would it not be so enjoyable if it weren't forbidden? The man who desires illicit no strings attached hot passionate sex is the same man that desires my wife and to be faithful to her. If you try to fight those passions, you are going to loose. That's like the cigarette smoker keeping a pack of cigarettes in his pocket yet trying to quit. Very few people could win that fight.

In my opinion, the same man who could betray his wife and have illicit sex with some other woman is the same man who can love and connect with his wife. You aren't two different people yet one in the same. You are the same beast with two different desires. Which one are you going to feed? As you begin to feed the loving of your wife, your desire and appetite will increase more for her.

It is my opinion that to stop, you must setup boundaries. Get rid of that phone or install accountability software that emails reports to your spouse etc... Setup boundaries and layered walls between you and your wrong passions and you'll begin to turn your passions to your wife.

The fact that you have clearly identified your issues and expressed an interest to improve means there is great hope for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by H3LL0 at 1:50 AM, May 27th (Saturday)]

What I seem to lack is the ability to really "own it" in terms of accepting the guilt on a deeper, heart-felt level.

Empathy. That's what you're missing. When I struggled here, I would imagine every time that I was with AP, BH was standing there. Watching. I would see the pain/anger in his eyes. I would imagine him listening to our phone calls. The nasty things I would say. The mushy things that I would say. I did this until I felt empathy. It didn't take long.

I could have written this post myself. I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I just, for some reason, CAN'T.

I don't have anything useful to add, but know that you're not alone.

I I econd the recommendation of Terence Real's work. I think it may strike a chord with you and help you understand why you might feel this way.

Hey daddydom,

You and I are close in timeline wise for our dday. I have been hesitating for awhile as well posting here for the simple matter of feeling stagnant. When dday first happened I know I had a revelation of a "monster" that over time was created to allow myself to have the affair and blameshifted to create this creature who could do all these things to his family and his wife. I put everything above my family. I e en had the audacity to meet up with the AP for the first time we vegot physical on our DD birthday. But don't worry I told myself. It wasn't me. It was the other guy.

I have had a few breakdowns where I feel like I have hit rock bottom and my emotional bucket overflows with sadness, shame, hate towards myself, selfishness, and dissapointment. The reasons I say these things is because in the beginning, we as WS have so many new and different things to work on...ie our FOO that we recently learned about, all of the wonderful support and vast knowledge of SI, journaling about our feelings, taking the virtual 2x4's from other BS and WS as we desperately begin to scratch the surface of digging deep, and re establishing the connection to our BS. I was so excited when I first started posting about my feelings, and how you and others all had one way or another traveled my oath if you are a WS or had been dragged behind a semi through our destruction if you are a BS.

I am six months past dday. I am still journaling, haven't posted on SI, haven't read as much as I should be and yet I feel I am still making strides towards building up my moral compass and creating a solid hedge around me with some of my BS hardlines so that they are strong. My BS and I both still swing freely on the rabbit hole pendulum. We have had some things come up where I thought I handled myself rather well and she looks at me and I know just like that down she goes.

This is where our heavy lifting only begins. I have been denying myself to love myself, because if I love myself ny BS will see me as not being remorseful. You and I both know that remorseful and self hatred for our actions never leave our thoughts. I don't know if this has happened to you but there are tumes when my BS looks at me and says, "come back to me." Normally with tears in my eyes I will muster something like, "to late." It is then she will try to reach a hand in to help me out of the rabbit hole. But in doing so, I inadvertently send her into her own. It sucks.

Sorry I have been rambling. But this is ehat we need. We need to be able to tell each other that I am there with you. I am a WS. Something that I always felt would never be me. I had power, everything I did came out gold, I was the fixer, and life was easy.

Well, you and I both feel the humility now. There will always be triggers that send you into reaction mode. Fight them. Turn them into responsive. I will be the first person to tell you thst I can help anynody with any problem but my own, because I feel that eventhough everything you said you're struggling with I can relate and give you my advice on how I would handle it. In the end I am scared of opening up, loving myself, being rejected, losing my wife forever, becomming a deadbeat dad, and ultimately living with the fact that I threw it all away for cheap thrills that my wife was openly giving every second of everyday.

Being selfish sucks. I know. These are and will be hard times daddydom. There is no easy way around it. One thing that has helped me is this. Take something simple that you do for her and do it because it will make you happy so that she doesn't have to do it. Like putting on her toothpaste for her. It's simple, ordinary, mundane, and yet in doing so because it makes it one less thing for her to do you are putting yourself out there to be hurt for fear of rejection and beginnings of being selfless. I know for a fact I try these little things to be empathetic or to not have my walls, and so I bear my chest like Clarke Kent, but there is no superman under our shirts, just our hearts. Which now beats rapidly when we open ourselves up and show that we are fragile and that we did destroy our households and only by the grace of our BS are we even remotely given a slight chance of hope to grow stronger.

Being selfish sucks, being selfless is extremely rewarding. I fail most days than not at this. You can do it.

Again, I'm long winded. Daddydom, I feel like I walk in your shoes and maybe as you read this you will feel like we have walked not only down the same pathway, but even in the same footsteps. Hang in there, work on yourself, work on your relationship, open your shirt to show your heart to your BS, empathize when you can, and hang in there brother.

For me, I couldn't do any of that till I looked at myself in the mirror and was so disgusted with myself I couldn't stand to live in my own skin. Let alone expect my wife to be in the same room as me. Maybe you just haven't gotten that low in your selfishness? I hope you get to that point before it is too late. You need to make the choice. Be humble and vulnerable. Or keep clinging to your false perception of yourself to avoid really looking at yourself and die a crotchety old man full of bitterness and resentment alone. Just take the leap. You really having nothing to lose at this point. I promise. There is nothing left to protect or save in yourself. I think it is hard to take that leap because we are looking at it from the wrong perspective. That who and what we see (which in my opinion is a horrible cruel fucked up monster as an adulterer is defined to me) is who we are and defines us. That just isn't so. That is who we were. We can become better and change it. Sure, it is a bumper sticker on our car. We will always have that label. But, better labels will cover that as we earn other ones. Just own the selfishness already. Own that you chose to hurt others to get yourself ahead. You can run all your want, but your wife already sees and knows the truth. Running isn't going to change the reality. There is nothing left to hide. She is just waiting for you to be honest with yourself and her.

But wanting something and figuring out how to get it is different than knowing what someone else wants and figuring out how to give it to them.

You are playing the angles and not being humble or authentic. You aren't supposed to be figuring out how to give others what they want. You are supposed to feeling who you are and being disgusted by it. Change that and the rest just happens with work.

I think in all WS, we had reasons for building the wall in the first place. You don't even know it is there until you destroy your life and the person you love. The fact that you see it tells me that you are further along than you think you are. The next step, and the most difficult IMO, is completely opening yourself to be vulnerable. Give her your whole heart, I'm sure you would say that she deserves it and I'm sure she does.

Why did you build your wall in the beginning? Whatever reason, it needs to be smashed totally down to dust. Find out what created it and deal with that, then open yourself to yourself and to your wife.

I think I connected in some way with every single WS post in this thread. From Dom's feeling unable to give what BW needs to heal, to not even seeing the emotional walls I had built up to protect myself, to lacking empathy, to hitting an emotional bottom where I felt like a complete POS and failure as a human and was so incredibly disappointed and angry at myself for who I had become, to finally seeing just how selfish I had been for most of my life.

This was a good thread. Lots of good information.

Dom, I have read your post and your story. I have news for you:

Nothing in your past makes it impossible for you to be the man your wife deserves.

Nothing in your past excuses your behavior, either.

I myself am a CSA survivor and an actual integrated multiple personality system. I was pretty much raised by wolves. My FOO couldn't even spell empathy. And yet here I am, a basically honest, caring, empathetic person. As you can be, too.

You do not have to over-think this, my friend. Did you do the shit you did? Then you did it. No getting around it, you did it. Do you have to feel it deep in your soul before you can start healing? I doubt it. What you need to do is to stop saying "it wasn't me" unless you really DO have the dissociative disorder formerly known as MPD. Because my friend, it WAS you. Just because you do not now want to cop to what you did, doesn't mean you didn't do it. You did shit. Suck it up.

Since you are perfectly capable of being empathetic with perfect strangers on the internet, I submit to you that it is not empathy that you struggle with. It is denial that you, DaddyDom, are the cause of the horrendous pain your wife feels. I submit that you are ignoring her feelings because you do not want to own the fact that you did this to the person you love. It is easier for you to ignore the tremendous hurt you created than it is to face it.

Again, you have to own it. You did this, my friend. You certainly did. You cannot go back and change it. No matter how long you sit on your pity pot, it won't go away. You can blame it on another personality or a medication error or whatever you like. None of that is going to fix the mess.

I cannot tell you what your wife may be going through, but I will tell you that Mr. WP having the a very similar attitude to what you are showing us today is what sent me to the phone to call the lawyer. Living with him became so painful that I decided anything would be better.

Daddydom

If your selfishness is anything like mine, it's been a part of you for most of your life. It's been by your side, like an old friend. You may not particularly like this "friend" but it's been around for so long, it makes seeing the behavior for what it is very difficult.

I can only say to keeping slogging through it. Look and I mean really look, at your wife. Truly see her for the wonderful person she is and try and put yourself in her shoes. Sounds simpler than it really is because that selfishness gets in the way. Please keep digging and posting.

I need help. I've been avoiding posting on SI because I'm scared. My fears are stupid and make no sense but that's the point. I'm scared of appearing as anything less than the perfect and remorseful spouse. I'm scared what my spouse might think when my thoughts and questions only point out further just how incapable I am of intuitively understanding her needs, or reaching outside of myself to see things clearly. I don't want the world to see that I freeze like a deer in the headlights when confronted with the affair. I am so busy looking for justifications and excuses, even now, even when all the truth is out there, even when there is nothing to hide from... there are still a few last things to hide from. Accountability. Remorse. Recompense. And these are the things both she and I need to heal.

Daddy, we can’t heal in a vacuum. Its not possible. Your IC can only get you so far, but you need to also talk to others and hear how they are doing healing.

Communication is the basic key to a marriage, you can logically know her needs, but you may not know which need she needs filled. This is where you have to talk to your wife. You are not a mind reader.

Yes, its scary when the affair comes up that is why we own our shit. IF we don’t do that we will look for justifications and excuses and there are none to be had.

You can’t hide from accountability, remorse, or recompense… you have to embrace them. Remorse comes when you stop trying to find excuses for your actions, and you just finally admit to yourself about what you have done to your wife, to your marriage and to the family.

The thing about being a WS (for me at least) is that the very same thought patterns that allowed me to put up walls inside of my mind and make it okay to have an affair, are the same thoughts that keep those walls up even now and prevent me from accepting the responsibility for those actions. They keep me from being able to recognize and provide what my wife needs from me right now... empathy, compassion, the ability to see what she needs. And they keep me from providing myself with those very same things so that I can heal as well. I cannot love myself, and so my efforts to love her and my children are inadequate. I end up giving them pleasantries, not protection.

Quit trying to see what she needs and talk to her. My walls were built because of my FOO. One of the things I had to embrace is that those tools do not work anymore and make my life worse. Tell your wife you are going to make a 10 second rule, when you want to do those actions which are destructive take 10 seconds to thing about what you SHOULD do and do that. We must get into the habit of using new coping mechanisms vs the old ones that are destructive.

She needs me. She is desperate for my help and support, my compassion, my understanding, my acknowledgement of how terribly I hurt her and my efforts to make her whole again. And I am desperate to give these things to her. It is not that I deny my actions or how awful they were, and there is no shortage of shame and guilt. What I seem to lack is the ability to really "own it" in terms of accepting the guilt on a deeper, heart-felt level. I want to. I need to. So why can't I?

Gently, she doesn’t need you. She wants you. There is a world of difference here. How do you get there?

1) fully admit that your actions can be and might be a deal breaker

2) Come to the belief that number 1 is based on your choices and your actions. Continuing on the current path you are on will lead to #1

3) Shame and Guilt - Shame I am a terrible person. Guilt I did terrible things. To move out of shame, you embrace your choices of the affair, without reservations, without excuses. Once you do that then you are free to live differently. If you continue to look for excuses you are saying it really wasn’t my fault.

Finally to come to the place of guilt, I embraced the notion that my higher power doesn't make junk, that everyone else is made with the same care and love. The difference is that incorporated different choices and rules due to circumstances and these helped me make the choice to have affairs. By embracing the idea that I am not junk, I then begin to believe that I can change, but it takes effort. I can use the same mechanism that I use my capacity of choice to choose differently.

The other day I was PM'ing with another person on SI. She was struggling with her spouse, because he was unable to give her something she specifically asked for. I felt so sorry for her. It hurt me that she was unable to have what she needed and that it was clearly tearing at her. I felt for him as well, as I know he wants to give her what she needs, he is just so broken and the walls prevent him from doing the most simple, straight-forward thing. I wanted to cry inside. I wrote to both of them and told them how deeply I feel for them. And then it occurred to me that the very same feelings I had for them, I could not have for my wife (or even myself).

I am going to be blunt. You have NO reason to be Pming members of SI of the opposite sex. STOP THAT NOW. I have seen you on other forums answering questions. To be honest with you, I thought you were out in the wild too early. It gives you ego kibbles, and frankly that isn't something you need right now. You see supporting others removes the focus of working on you. Supporting other members shows you care more about internet strangers, and working on their issues than working on your own or focusing on the woman who married you. The focus needs to be on your healing, and helping your wife by showing actions that reveal interior changes to the way you operate.

Why can't I do that for my wife? Why can't I do it for myself?

Because its easier to focus on problems you are not mired in vs focusing on problems at home, because in order to do that you will feel pain. Quit thinking of pain as something to be avoided and think of it as healing. When you set an arm wrong, you the only way to fix it is to re-brake it. This is painful but without the pain you will not heal correctly

I know the answers to these questions run deep, deep into my FOO issues, and much more recently, into a mental breakdown that brought those long buried FOO issues to a head and in doing so, brought about the changes in me that led to the affair.

this is an excuse, the foo issues didn’t do it, the break down didn’t do it, you had shitty coping mechanisms to begin with and when the shit hit the fan you embraced them. People who don’t have shitty coping mechanisms do go out and fuck other people when faced with a crisis.

Inside, I am screaming, all day, all night. I am shouting, "It wasn't me! It wasn't me! If I hadn't had the breakdown the affair would have never happened! Don't blame me, I was crazy at the time! Blame the alter ego that came out!" And while I do believe that the affair and even my own reluctance to accept the consequences and responsibility for my actions came as a result of that breakdown... it really doesn't matter.

Simply put you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions. It wasn’t a different guy, it was you. This is why healing is important, because in healing you replace the shitty thought patterns which lead to you making the choice to have sex with someone because you wanted to feel better.

It was still me. My body. My mind. My lies. My actions. And so whether or not I was crazy at the time doesn't matter right now, because the end result is exactly the same. She was betrayed and lied to, and her whole world was devastated. Me telling her I was nuts only makes it worse for her, and makes her feel like I care even less for her then I did during the affair, and I have even less of an "excuse" now, because I've managed to get a lot of the outward "Crazy" under control. Our marriage, our family, our finances... all ruined because of me. And yet my heart remains covered in Teflon, unable to accept that I am anything less than a loving and good person. That I could never do this. Except that I did.

Yeah… well your actions scream differently. Owning our shit is painful, because we have to admit we weren’t the people we thought we were, we thought we were were better. But the real truth is that we weren’t better.

I have a friend in AA who spent 40 years drunk, he is 70, yet he never has had an affair in his life. While there is a huge amount of amends he has and continues to do with his wife, they have a good marriage now. Some how with his alcoholism he never once thought of cheating on her. Myself, I am an alcoholic, who also had several affairs, am I worse then he is? I would say that yeah, because the depth of betrayal in Alcoholism doesn’t reach quite a far down as infidelity. What is the difference between us? Deep in his being, he had the boundaries and made choices which protected his marriage even when he was drunk. Me, I didn’t have those, and I betrayed my wife in both my alcoholism and my infidelity.

Part of it too is simply me being too selfish. My wife tells me all the time that I'm very good at getting what I want in life. But wanting something and figuring out how to get it is different than knowing what someone else wants and figuring out how to give it to them. Or is that still just me being wrapped up in myself?

Yes you are wrapped up in yourself. You state you can’t give your wife what she needs the reason is that you are too scared of feeling the pain and seeing the pain it brings to her.

Yesterday my wife was on the couch and she looked out of it, and I simply asked what was going on and she told me. I stopped and thought for a second, and I simply said “I hate seeing you like this, and I know its was my choices that are the cause."

My own confusion about what is true and what is not (that is, regarding my feelings. So often I try to make it all about her and end up still making it all about me, and can't see it until it is pointed out to me) only fuels my feelings of inadequacy and shame and makes things worse. It is almost impossible to think about someone else when your tail is between your legs.

Listen to her, when she says “I hurt right now because of this.” think about what you did think how your actions caused her pain. Own the fact that your actions led to that moment she is revealing to you. Tell yourself that I did this. I am responsible for her pain. Then tell her that her pain she feels was your fault.

Help me WS's. How did you manage to get past the selfishness and the shame? What was your aha moment that allowed you to put down the walls and open up? How do I get over my own feelings and make hers the priority rather than mine? It's all there logically. I need to get it all there emotionally.

My ah-ha moment was when I realized that I was not only capable of betraying my wife, but I actually did do it. That there was no one else out there that I can blame, there is nothing out there that I can use to make what I did even remotely ok. That to go on with the same attitudes, and underlying beliefs that I would not be with her, nor did I want a future without her. Also I embraced that my healing is the foundation of her healing, by becoming a man who thinks and acts differently, who makes different choices, who realizes that he is not the center of the universe. I realized that my needs have always been more important than anyone else, and now I have needs, I express them, but if someone in my family is hurting and I want attention, I realize that my selfish needs give way to those of my family.

These changes are not overnight, but they take constant effort, and they take constant checking of our own blown up ego centered selfishness. Its when we realize that in the grand scheme of things we aren’t really all that important and we come to a point of humility. Humility (not humiliation) is the antidote for selfishness.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 4:09 PM, May 28th, 2017 (Sunday)]