SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I promise this will not let this happen again.

FWIW

Thirty-six years ago my XW wrote a letter which included

".............I will not allow myself to be in a position which could be “interesting” with any man – never being left on my own with one man..............."

Twenty-seven months later I contracted an STD. Maybe she kept her word, maybe there was more than "one man" involved.

She now lives in a remote part of a foreign country in near poverty, poverty which recent events are likely to deepen.

Me? I got on with life without her once the kids were as safe as I could make them; I worked hard(ish) and I got lucky - I'm financially comfortable, fitter than since I was a teenager (fifty years ago) and twenty plus years into a loving relationship with a women who cares for me, is ten years older than she looks, is truthful, is smart, is financially responsible and can be trusted.

Just sayin'.

looks like ww never expected D. Has ww been the decision maker in your marriage and the higher earner? it looks like she was of the view (some what entitled) an affair will not break the marriage. Her conduct after D day and her approach to reconciliation shows attempt to keep her front line status by not being very earnest

We made about the same although she worked out of the house and I worked from home while taking care of the kids. She is not a decision maker. Usually she can't even decide what to have for breakfast.

D10-

I read the letter and felt a little sorry for her for putting you all in this situation..but I am often a sap and a sucker and to my own detriment I sometimes trust people who have not earned that trust.

If any of the statements in the letter are her true feeling and not her cover her ass reaction to being served AND if you have any feeling towards R, she has X number of months to show some changes and not just say I am sorry. To be honest, saying sorry is about all her brain can come up with after her affair world imploded.

In a week or a month, after things have settled a bit she may accept and agree to the divorce on your terms, decide to play hardball, or want to R. who really knows?

I might suggest to let the divorce go thru the process and if all that stuff in her letter is true AND you want to rebuild the M and the family she can date you after the D.

OM only stays in contact with WW because he feels responsible for everything and wants to be there for her.

Is this the proverbial hen house

She expected to be able to string you along for a while. OM is still playing her and will not commit

You have taken away plan B.

She says it is over with OM but you know that she is still in contact. That means it is not over

It really doesn't matter what her words say in the letter, it's her actions that count. You know as you read the letter, she still is in contact with her AP. He knows/thinks that since OBS knows that she can do damage to his relationship with his kids, so he is now trying to throw WW under the bus and she is realizing this.

The question I have for you is this really the type woman you want to spend your life with? She says she loves you now, but who is to say she will still love you the next time? You are worth more than what she is offering you and I know that's hard to see when you have children. Please think long and hard about this. If they don't do the work then nothing changes. She is spitting out a lot of promises with no actions to back them. You can't R with someone that is still involved with their AP or has no remorse to what she has done. Her saying I'm sorry is no longer good enough.

When I first joined SI, a lady posted on here that she D her whusband, and was shocked that he actually followed thru with therapy, etc. Eventually they got back together.

I took her lead with regards to my situation.

I filed, WS said he was thinking of coming back home. I said,"That's not good enough. I'm awesome and I want it all! A great marriage, not a fake one. You have to get help for at least 6 months and then I'll THINK about possibly reconciling." I continued on with the D. I knew I could reconcile later if he truly changed.

Yeah, he didn't follow thru and OW left her H, now they are married in a fake, pathetic drinking lifestyle.

I see how important the kids and I are.

Thank goodness I cut the ties for my and my children's sake.

My sons are flourishing now. I told them the truth of the D without gory details nor demeaning their Dad, they have freely seen their Dad act like a loser and they rarely go see him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:56 AM, June 1st (Thursday)]

Ok, I've got a different approach. What if you do write back but in a way that would be most beneficial to you in the long run.

"Thank you for your letter it is encouraging to read about you seeing the problem and wanting to fix yourself. A 7 month affair and all the lies involved make it very difficult to trust what you have written. So many "I don't knows how/ why I did this"... if you don't know/understand why... how can I trust that it wont happen again? Are you saying these things so we don't divorce over your A or because you truly believe what you did was wrong? I am going to proceed with the divorce but will watch to see if the letter was just words to stay married or if you meant them.

I know it's just a word but I'm ready to show you with my actions by cutting ties, giving you everything you need to feel safe again, working to better myself to make sure this doesn't happen again.

If you are truly sorry and putting the kids and I first you will continue to do the things on your list regardless of our marriage

- Continue NC with OM

- Continue Therapy to understand why you did this

- Do mediation and really consider what's best for the kids and I in the divorce process

- Not fight the divorce. Why put me through more pain?

....

You get the picture. Use her words to your benefit. See how you can turn them around to get her to do what you need. Is she saying these things because she means them or because she doesn't want divorce and everything that entails. - Don't blame or call her a liar out right but ask her to prove herself via the divorce process.

Good luck

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:46 AM, June 1st (Thursday)]

Disagree with freeme, don't play games, dangle carrots or be sneaky to get some favorable divorce or other alterior motive. Just NC her ass and move through the divorce. OM is still in her life, end of story. Don't be Plan B, there will always be a Plan A in the background.

You sound like you have made up your mind. Just make it clear you're done but you want to make this as amicable as possible.

I swear my XWH wrote me almost the exact same letter. I didn't budge, filed for D. He was vicious to me during the divorce. An absolute animal. He is still with OW. Guess his poetic words didn't mean anything at all. Same with your STBXWW.

What I've also realized in the letter is there is no mention that she actually loves me or the term I love you. Maybe a small detail though.

That is an astute observation and very telling. Given that, I wouldn't give the letter any more headspace than you already have.

What I've also realized in the letter is there is no mention that she actually loves me or the term I love you. Maybe a small detail though.

Ha, I noticed that also about halfway through. I also noticed she didn't seem to feel any shame about what she did, just basically "Sorry it hurt your feelings, forgot you existed". Most people tend to feel disgusted with themselves and embarrassed for lowering themselves to be a cheater but she seems to act like it's not that big a deal.

She isn't remorseful until she hates herself for what she did. This looks like textbook spin control.

I will say she has said numerous times that she hates herself for it, that she thinks she's a horrible person and so on. That has come out on multiple occasions.

Sometimes I asked my WW, "Why should I believe she would never chose to cheat again."

For a while she said, "Because I've learned it doesn't solve anything."

What I wanted her to say is, "Because it is morally very wrong, horribly hurtful to myself, you, and my family, and because I don't want to be that kind of person ever again."

In order to see if she is R material, she eventually needs to discover for herself regret, remorse, and then contrition. Regret is when she is sorry for hurting herself, remorse is when she is sorry for hurting you and the family, and contrition is when she is broken down and working hard to make atonement for her wrongs to you and the family and to change her character so that the thought of cheating is abhorrent to her.

Here is a good thread on regret, remorse, and contrition: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=586809

It's a long journey.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 3:03 PM, June 1st (Thursday)]

I should have spoken up about the things taht were bothering me but I didn't.

Is there something here or isw it just a cheater's way of justifying their action. Even if there were some issues cheating is not a solution

goalong, I think what she means is that she wanted to speak up about some marital issues that bothered her, but found it hard with another man's penis stuffed in her mouth.

She said I wasn't always the most emotionally available person. Which I'll agree with in times that she didn't tell me but just expected me to read her mind.

If only she could've sent such a nice letter before having the A and asking you to work with her on the M.

Very sad.