SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She may have regrets, but she is definitely not remorseful. Cake eating at its finest.

She really isn't giving you a choice is she? Your the love of her life, but she is unwilling to give up anything to keep you. I am pretty sure that isn't really love. You pretty much have to walk. She makes the decision very easy. That is one spoiled princess you have there.

What I said earlier. There really isn't anything to think about, is there?

I am normally a proponent of attempting reconciliation but it only works with a wayward that is "all in" on fixing their mess. You do not have that... not even close. Keep doing what you are doing.

Dost-

What do you WANT? If you could wave a magic wand and get what you WANT, what is it? - (you may not use your magic wand to change the past.)

Do you want to try to reconcile with her? Or do you want to be done? Or are you still making up your mind? All answers are acceptable. You're in a tough situation.

Magic wand, huh? I honestly don't know because since we can't change the past I think there are a lot of things I'd have trouble forgiving and being able to ever look at her the same again, not do I think she is remorseful or contrite. I think she is self serving and full of regret.

If I had a magic wand I think I'd just wish for someone who actually seemed to really give a flying fuck about me.

Tell her the list (just an example)

1) Left that job

2) Transparency

3) STD tests given to you

4) Written timeline of the affair

5) Willing to take polygraph if you don't believe her story

6) Affair ended, no contact in place.

Tell her when she has completed everything on the list, you will consider ending divorce.

You are not the love of her life; SHE is the love of her life.

It's all about her.

I studied the language Cheaterish, which is remarkably similar to English, but all of the different words in Cheaterish have the same meaning, it's just the degree of emphasis. For example, to decode her last message, what she really was meaning was, "Me, me, ME ME ME, me me, mmmeee, MMMMEEEEEEE!!!!"

I will help you translate future missives from her in the future. Or, just ignore all words and just pay attention to ACTIONS.

If I had a magic wand I think I'd just wish for someone who actually seemed to really give a flying fuck about me.

This is what you know. You will never have true love with this woman again. You will never be able to forget what you know. You can however still have someone who does truly love you. She is just a self-serving person and you know that. All of us on the D forum know. We have seen 1000's of WS's just like her. They regret they screwed up their own life, but really have no remorse for what they put the BS and children through. It makes you shake your head and wonder where they buried their brains.

You really need to go NC as much as possible at this point. Talking only hurts you more because you see it getting you no where. You don't need her confessions, you need action and you are not getting it. Words are easy, actions are much harder for an unremorseful WS. If you get any actions at all, they will be just enough to try and appease you....then back to plan B you will go. Carry on as you are going....eventually you may find the love of your life, she no longer fits the profile.

I know. I am terrified of everything after. Terrified of co parenting. My kids are the world to me. I don't want to share with someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm terrified that I'm just going to be alone. I'm terrified of having to deal with things as kids getting older, weddings, grandkids.

I know I am thinking far into the future but what if when my kids are older they say I want to live with mom only. I'm so scared of that. I'm scared of everything right now.

[This message edited by dostl10 at 4:20 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

Dost

I hope this helps a little

Before I became a WS, I was a BS. I was in a LTR with a woman before I met my wife.

She cheated on me multiple times, I stayed.

She was an alcoholic. I stayed.

She took the engagement ring I gave her (saved for a year to buy it) and threw it into the woods because she didn't get her way. I stayed.

Everyone else's feelings took priority over mine. I stayed.

I stayed for 6 years, taking all of the abuse. I was never quite good enough for her yet when I would start to pull away, she would throw me enough crumbs to keep me hanging on. I stayed because I was terrified I would be alone. She has destroyed so much of my self esteem that I thought no one else would ever love me. Well I did find someone and so will you. Don't waste 6 years or 6 minutes on someone who values herself more than you and your children.

Good luck to you.

know. I am terrified of everything after. Terrified of co parenting. My kids are the world to me. I don't want to share with someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm terrified that I'm just going to be alone.

Looks like you want to R. That is OK. But make sure you do it on your terms. Since WW basically live together with POS it is good to know why she broke up with him as she says. Or whether POS broke up with her, Either way is the affair over for good or she still see him while trying to R. Without knowing that and considering how WW behaved you are asking for trouble by engaging her. I would ask her as part of the timeline

Goalong, none of sharing my fears was meant to say I want R. I don't think she is ready or even worth it. I'm just scared.

I talked to my attorney later and I plan on discussing that with her tonight.

I'm scared of everything right now.

Of course you are. We all were. Read the Fear vs Reality thread in the D/S forum and you will see that we all had some/all of the fears you are now facing. Then read the reality of what most BS's come to realize. I am not talking about life will not change for you, of course it will. It already has. What you will see is BS's that faced their fears, found their strength, got out of infidelity for themselves as well as their kids, and found a new and better life. We often surround ourselves with a marriage and forget ourselves in the process of it all. It's not easy, but nothing about infidelity is. What you have to decide is how do you get out of this infidelity nightmare and make yourself happy in your future.

We get the fear, don't let anyone fool you. What you need to be more afraid of is going through this over and over again.

You wife is not even close, if OM wants her you are done anyway.

Time to face and overcome you fears. Soon enough you will realize you had nothing to fear. Good men are hard to find. Wait until you see your value

Thanks all. I am having trouble feeling like a good man.

So we tried to sit down and talk about parenting plan and other parts of the D but she just turned into a sobbing mess. I didn't for one second feel bad for her. At one point I said I don't know what you thought you were getting yourself into.

I feel bad for me because I have to lose time with my kids that I want or lose time on holidays that I want. Fucking stole my life from me.

[This message edited by dostl10 at 10:10 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

Good, looks like you are steadfast. Any R, she knows what actions she has to take. Her misery may be two fold - losing Plan A and B. Anything she said between the sobbing. Still neutral about the POS? Whatever POS did to entice her she took you for granted to the extreme. So no need to feel bad

[This message edited by goalong at 4:42 AM, June 9th (Friday)]

My two cents. OM ended it. When he ended it and the OBS told him NC with your WW, he told her she needed to block you also. She just had a baby and wants things to work, so she agreed.

...refusing to resign from her job makes me think she still has hope for OM and her. That seeing him a few times a week enables her to keep tabs on him. Her trying to stall the divorce is really her way to see if OBS ends up taking back OM and they are able to reconcile.

My guess is that when you she got the D papers she gave OM an Ultimatum - me or her. He chose his wife and your WW wrote you "the letter". Your WW is crying because she is feeling sorry for herself. This isn't how things were suppose to work out. OM has his wife and family back, she has nothing.

It's the only thing that really explains all the Words (You and the family mean everything...I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe...) with no ACTION. She's not doing anything because she is still hoping things don't pan out with OBS and OM. (I wonder if OBS got a similar letter from OM)

The stalling and crying isn't about what she has put you and the kids through its about her and OM. Hold strong and do a 180 kids and finances only.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:21 AM, June 9th (Friday)]

My thoughts on your WW's behavior are very similar to Freeme's post.

Stay firm with the divorce. You can always consider reconciling at some point in the future if she does the work to fix herself. Don't hold your breath though.

I am very curious if that is what happened, OM backing away and going back to OBS. I may never know.

Dost, gently you are hoping to reconcile with a ghost, with a phantom of your wishes. And as long as the focus of your attention will be on OM, or OBS, or your wife – instead of on recovering your own emotional strength and independence – you won't feel any better. If you really want to live free and peaceful life, please make an effort to let it go and move on.

You said earlier that this woman fucked up your life. But I think it's not truly accurate. Right now you contributing more to this by lingering and living in limbo instead of decisively moving ahead, out of this dysfunctional relationship and away from your habit of being a nice guy.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 8:14 AM, June 9th (Friday)]

I know. I am terrified of everything after. Terrified of co parenting. My kids are the world to me. I don't want to share with someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm terrified that I'm just going to be alone. I'm terrified of having to deal with things as kids getting older, weddings, grandkids.

I know I am thinking far into the future but what if when my kids are older they say I want to live with mom only. I'm so scared of that. I'm scared of everything right now.

Many of us around here operated in fear for awhile. So go ahead and tremble a little. And then let yourself be objective about what is best for your kids. Because that's the thing that matters most. One of those things is a healthy father who is a good role model. Staying in a loveless relationship because of them is not doing them any favors if what you're modeling is that it's ok to be treated without respect from one's partner.

Yes- And I get the "losing out on the kids" thing. And Yes, when they're old enough, they might choose Disney Land parent- But is it in their best interest to be in a position of NEEDING them for your emotional health? And what kind of kids do you want to raise? You will get half time if you want it. Maybe more if you can swing it. And it's not ALL time. I get it. I was and sometimes am there. I sometimes resent my XW for nuking our family. But I don't have any control over that. I don't have any control over what happened. Just what I CAN do. So ask yourself what you CAN do? Staying stuck in the "maybe's" and the "what ifs" and the hand wringing isn't going to do you or your kids any good.

And it sounds to me like you do not love your wife. If you don't think you will ever get back to that point, then let her go. For both of your sake's. - because it is not in your kid's best interest for YOU to model being in the kind of relationship that you wouldn't want them to be in. - I know that acts of mercy towards the WS isn't what we are super interested in doing, but cutting her loose is kind of an act of mercy for both of you. IF you're not going to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.

You've got some choices to make. Take your time. Many of us have been there. But I also want to encourage you to take heart. It's usually not as bad at we think when it comes to the kids. - I find that when I'm here with Big Mister, I'm HERE. WITH. HIM. - It's better time.

You can do this. We're with you.

At one point I said I don't know what you thought you were getting yourself into.

^^ THIS

I have asked my STBXWH exactly the same question.

Oh.... NOW you want to reconcile - what the hell did you think was going to happen??

Dost, gently you are hoping to reconcile with a ghost, with a phantom of your wishes.

Yup - I was too.

Reconciliation to my STBXWH just meant that I forgot all the times he had lied and cheated.... and re-started (again and again) with a clean slate.

My previous "re-starts" only engendered further disrespect (and then inevitably cheating).

Oh how I WISH (oh HOW I wish) that I had divorced him the first time I found him cheating which, (I found out 20 years later) wasn't even the first time he cheated on me.

Step back.

Take a good look.

Look at your wife, your life, your marriage, your family.

Detach if you can, and view your situation from as far away as you can.

Stay strong and keep calm.

Sending you a hug dostl.

MOB