SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I completely understand the Hope thing, it's what made me take my WH back the other 4 times and forgive all the ways he let me down or did me wrong before the infidelity. I'm reading an incredible book right now called Safe People, because I ignored a lot of red flags before we got married and I don't want to repeat those mistakes with him or anyone else. Idk if you had other issues in your marriage before this. There's this line in the book where he's talking about something called defensive hope: "Humans are incredible optimists when it comes to destructive relationships."

Basically, paraphrasing here - but essentially we use hope to avoid the pain of confronting the reality of our circumstances. I can share the whole section, but I don't know if there's been a pattern of destructive behaviors or relating in your marriage or not, it may not apply to you.

Dost - your situation sucks but you are surrounded by thousands and thousands of people who have been in approximately the same situation as you. We have all survived and so will you

Dlost if your going out of state with the kids get written permission from the ww. Avoid kidnapping games.

Already did a long time ago. I got her on and gave it to my attorney.

Sure enough...after going back and forth in email about the parenting plan last night she said she "gets the plan" but needs time to think about it, and this morning after asking her to contact our cell provider to separate our phones the first thing she said was, oh I applied for 2 jobs

Not surprised, just stay your course.

You told her what you needed from her and she isn't doing anything, it's all just lip service to this point.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:49 AM, June 12th (Monday)]

she said was, oh I applied for 2 jobs

Dost whether it is done on your behalf or not she has to do it(change job) if she has some self respect left in her. Most probably she cannot stand to see the POS walking around like nothing happened with no consequences. If for some remote reason you decided to R, first thing I hope you would do is try to get POS kicked out from his job. I am yearning to see something happening to this sub human POS

Sure enough...after going back and forth in email about the parenting plan last night she said she "gets the plan" but needs time to think about it, and this morning after asking her to contact our cell provider to separate our phones the first thing she said was, oh I applied for 2 jobs

Control the Hopium. She is all over the place. Less than two weeks ago she was promising you the world for forgiveness. Less than a week ago she was saying she didn't want to switch jobs. Yesterday she was asking about one bedroom apartments for her and the two kids. Today it's two jobs applications... My guess is that she is throwing things out there to see how you react.

Will you fold if you believe she is ready sign a lease? What if she applies for two job? What button does she need to push to ignite the Hopium in you?

How did you react to her job news?

Your doing great.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:19 AM, June 12th (Monday)]

I see a pattern here. You serve her with divorce papers...she writes a gushy letter. You send her a parenting plan...she asks for her resume and lets you know her whereabouts (not with OM). You ask her to separate the phone plans...she says she applied to jobs after repeatedly telling you she wouldn't.

Sounds like she is doing just enough to keep you on the hook, but as yourself and others have said, there doesn't appear be any remorse or contrition, just a bunch of stall tactics.

Sounds like she is doing just enough to keep you on the hook, but as yourself and others have said, there doesn't appear be any remorse or contrition, just a bunch of stall tactics.

Yep - that's precisely what this is. They do the bare minimum because it's worked for so long. These are half-ass attempts at "trying" so she can say she "tried". Don't fall for it. Stay the course.

My reaction to her job news was not to comment. I told her I also needed to be removed for our bank account soon.

I also heard through a friend who works with OM and WW that this is not his first rodeo and he had a relationship with another married woman prior. They weren't sure if he was dating his wife at the time or not but I am fairly certain he was.

the first thing she said was, oh I applied for 2 jobs

I know someone who applies but never even calls back when he's called for an interview. He doesn't really want a job. He just wants to put on the show so the people he's staying with won't get pissed that he isn't even trying. Until she actually gets a job, don't hold your breath.

So after a series of "Good" days i feel like I am coming crashing back to earth this morning. I just don't get it still. I'll never get it.

I don't get how people can know what happened and be friends with her. I'm just in a mood. Sad and angry right now.

You're going to have days like this. Just understand this, accept it and when it does happen do as many push-ups as you can.

This sucks. No doubt about it man.

I don't get how people can know what happened and be friends with her.

I can really relate to this.

My (grown-up) children all still love their Dad.

I know it's a mean and spiteful thing - but I can't help wishing that they didn't (so much, anyway).

He's the original good-time-charlie.

It seems as though I'm the only one who sees through him.

FTG.

MOB

Alright the day has improved. Just how I woke up.

She texted asking if I'd be around at certain times the next two days because she is looking at apartments and doesn't want to bring the kids because she doesn't know how they will take it. I think it's more because she won't handle it well. Just me though.

Been two days and still no response about the last parenting plan.

I don't get how people can know what happened and be friends with he

One cannot control others. So it is better not to worry about how others see and feel. Was there a specific situation that is also close to you? Is there a way in your state to take legal action against POS for affecting your marriage

I don't get how people can know what happened and be friends with her. I'm just in a mood. Sad and angry right now.

I'm always surprised at this but...then I think about what I was willing to put up with and still reconcile... Who knows what stories she is telling others or what she is omitting... Also, unless you have faced infidelity you don't realize how bad it is...it's become so common place in TV's and Movies.

While I think her focus should be on the parenting plan I'm glad she is getting an apartment. Once she moves in you can follow the plan and see how it goes. It will also make it much easier for you to detach. Any idea why she is suddenly so focused on getting her own place? Trouble at the "friends" house? Easier to be on-call for OM? More privacy?

I don't get how people can know what happened and be friends with her. I'm just in a mood. Sad and angry right now.

This I get- probably wrote the chapter on that mood. I spent a couple years in weekly therapy just on that! I guess I was a poly-anna but I was sooo depressed and disappointed in my world that was accepting of such evil.

I could only come up with one solution. I needed to run away to live on the island of mis-fit toys. I figured I didn't know anyone there, so no one there would know and love him despite what he did. I would just live amongst the broken. Key West was the only place I could think of that fit my description and was still in the US.

I probably set the record for getting past that mood- years! And hearing about Zika kinda turned me off Key West. And I am actually able to carry on a conversation with people who admit to past affairs. And I don't spit on them or anything anymore

I think she is getting her own place so the kids can spend the night with her.