This is my first post here. I have a lot of information to give, but I will try to keep it as short as possible and have everything make sense. Please bear with me as I try to get this all out.
My husband and I have been together since 2003, we were married in 2010. There were many bumps along the road but we finally made it. I thought all of our problems would be behind us. most of the issues we have had in the past were with my problems being honest, and his temper. When questioned about something my first automatic response it *always* to say what I think you want to hear, regardless of truth. I know this is an issue and I have tried for years to get better about it. We split up many times over my lies, and somehow, we always got back together.
I will not make excuses, or try to give reason for the things I did, and the things I said I did. I am an idiot. I ruined my family, our lives – for nothing. There is no excuse for that, I have no defense. The facts are this; about 2 years ago I started talking to other men online. Some were old friends, 1 was an old boyfriend that I had been asked to never speak to again, some were just people I met online. In August of last year I was talking via text to a random person that I met that was local to the town I live in. He worked at a store that I frequented and we had talked and simply were friendly, perhaps flirting just a little here and there. He asked for my phone number and for some stupid reason I gave it. We texted back and forth that day and that day only. A few days later my husband found part of the messages. For the most part, they had been deleted.
This started a roller coaster of him asking questions about what else I had been doing, who I had been talking to etc as you can imagine. I knew that I was wrong for talking to the other men. There were no “I love you’s”, no naughty pictures, no plans for the “future”, or sex talk for the most part. Flirting yes; over the line; yes. I can look back on it now and see that it was probably worse that I thought. Maybe one would be what would be considered an emotional affair, though I didnt think of it at that at the time. It was bad enough that I didn’t want him to know about it. Especially the one ex-boyfriend. So, to try and answer his questions without letting everything come out I lied. Over the course of the next several months we had these huge fights that would last literally all night long with him screaming at me asking what else I had done, telling me he knew there was more. I said nothing, and he kept pushing and yelling and I told him things that didn’t happen. I told him I sent picture to people over social media. I said that I had physical contact with people that I didn’t (like completely innocent co-workers). I said that I met and had a physical affair with other men. The list is long, and continued to get worse.
To show that I was sincere I quit my job (it required travel, and I had lied about the 1 person from work), I changed my phone number and only gave it to family and approved friends, I gave him total access to the phone whenever he wants, no locks, no passwords. I deleted every email account I had and created 1 new email that we both have access to. For a while I was turning on Skype every morning before I left home for work so that he could see and hear everything I did during the day, but that had to stop because my job didn’t like it. I call and text and tell him everywhere I am. I WANT to prove myself.
Through all of this he remained at home after many threats to leave, packing and going then coming back. Through it all I continued to say I knew it was all my fault and I was sorry and I just wanted to make it better. There was (and still is) a lot of name calling, and some physical stuff, some pretty bad. All of which I deserve for the things I have done. I don’t blame him for anything, his anger is justified and I am willing to take it. Friends and family got involved. They were all told the same story that I gave him, the problem was now the stories were getting all mixed up and nothing made sense, so I kept having to change things to make the pieces fit.
As my evidence, I showed phone logs of conversations, not the actual text but calls and messages that came and went, and I contacted the one ex-boyfriend via email and requested that he lie for me. I told him that I had told my husband we had sex one time, and asked that he please go along with that story even though it never happened. I wish to god now he had told me no. But he didn’t, he did what I asked. When my husband called him, he lied for me.
I thought that if I said enough eventually he would stop asking. Everyone kept telling me that if I just said everything that we could get past it and we would be better again, so I kept talking. Kept saying more and more.
Eventually he asked me to tell him it was all a lie. He said that he could not take any of it anymore and I was over the moon. I finally had a way out. I could finally tell the truth and everything would be ok. Except it didn’t work that way. After that day, a few times after he asked more detail questions, and instead of saying “it didn’t happen” when he asked I just spit out an answer.
Now we are at this point. He believes I am nothing but a lying, cheating w#@%^ who does not love him, and has never loved him. Every day he tells me how terrible I am and how much he hates and despises me. Every day I try to say I love you and I want to make it better and he tells me that’s BS. If I try to be intimate with him he says no, if I push he relents but makes it seems as if he is not into it. If I don’t try, then I am getting it somewhere else. He has requested some…. extreme things from me. A lot of them I have done to do to prove myself. Some I cannot bring myself to go through with.
He tells me the only thing I can ever do to prove myself is give him the email that was sent to the ex. The email was sent from my old work computer, which I cannot access and has been wiped and probably reissued to someone else. The email account has been deleted for at least 6 months. I have contacted google and they cannot help me get the email back. They say it’s just gone. I attempted to get text transcripts from the old phone number form our carrier and they said it cannot be done either. The phone itself was smashed during an argument. In the process of trying to put it back together it was broken even worse so I can’t use a recovery program on it. I don’t know what to do.
Some days I feel like everything has just gone to far and there is no hope, but then I know I am not ready to give up. I screwed up. I talked to the other people because I felt I was missing a connection at home. I was too afraid to talk to my husband about it and looked for that connection outside my marriage. My fault. I was afraid for him to know what I had done, so I tried to hide it. I lied, made up stories, and ruined our family. All my fault and now don’t know what to do. I love my husband. Even though we were not perfect before, I should have never done what I did, and said what I said. He is angry with me, says he hates me, and I deserve that. I deserve everything he can throw at me and more. I know how horrible of a person I am, and that I don’t deserve a chance to fix things – but I cant seem to walk away.
So, after all of that I guess I am here, looking for other stories and advise. I’m wondering if anyone else is like me. How long does the anger last? How long before it goes too far?
