SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just sitting here right now and wondering WTF???!!!!

Next week will be my first DDay anniversary and I need to hear from other betrayed spouses exactly why we put ourselves through this shit?!!! Honestly, what is the point????

I can keep my children within a nuclear family if we stay together, but what is the point if that fundamental bond between a husband and wife and by extension everyone else in the family gets broken???

I need hope. My own has gone and if I am to go on with this process I need to know that there is a good reason for doing so.

Please betrayed spouses, tell me every reason why I should continue with reconciliation when I feel like my heart will never recover from this pain, a pain inflicted by the one person who should have loved me more than anyone else.

Me: BS 36

Him: WS 36

3 awesome kids: DD 8, DS 6, DD 3,

6 week PA with COW.

DDAY 16th June 2016

DDAY next week

Status: currently TRIGGER unhappy

Your pain will NOT last forever.

I can't think of any reasons because if you don't love him, none of the reasons matter anyway.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you have someone wise to help you sort it all out. A counselor, minister or rabbi, therapist, etc.

And, you know, there are no rules about all this. You don't have to decide today what you want to do. Nor do you have to decide tomorrow. But the flip side is also true, if you have decided, you don't have to pretend to do anything other than what you've decided.

And I know none of that was any help at all because you're probably all over the place with your emotions so really, what I want to say is, trust yourself and your own gut instincts and know that you are a valuable and wonderful person and you are allowed to decide what kind of life you want to have.

My reasons

A kid, who would have to deal with trauma of D and losing one parent. I would have to move to my original country.

Financial dependency, I have no family to help me out where I live.

Some health issues, which pretty much cause financial dependency, and I am afraid, could affect my ability to stand up for myself in D process.

More or less remorseful WH, although if not for first 3 reasons, I could care less what he feels, how remorseful, etc.

First few months I couldn't even look at him because of utter contempt and hate I felt. I had to avoid to look in his eyes, otherwise I would cringe with disgust.

Things somewhat improved but it seems like a very long process.

You don't have to bother. You are under no obligation to bother.

Its a shit ton of work under even the best of circumstances and I say this with conviction, 3+ years from a completely voluntary confession with an almost immediately remorseful (if not still very stupid and stunted) spouse who had felt trapped by his AP for nearly the entirety of the A (blackmail, threats, emotional manipulation, fake pregnancy scare(s), etc).

I didn't feel any respect or love or really even any "like" for him for almost 9 months from the time of DDay when my rage began to subside (somewhat) and give way to the brutal pain that was underneath it. There was absolutely NO HB or pick me or desire to do anything with him other than watch to see what he came up with as he figured out his shit. I threw a lot of his lobs back in his face - pulled up and examined every blade of grass he tried to plant. I was tireless and relentless and immobile in my emotions. I was UNABLE to soften. However, I was okay to sit still and watch because we had 3 kids and my life was completely sideways. I mean hell. I couldn't eat for over a week - couldn't sleep for the better part of 5 months. I was in no position to make any smart, non-emotional decisions. So I watched and waited. Found SI. Discovered I wasn't crazy. And as he started figuring it out and reading the books and owning his shit and stepping up as a parent and household co-manager, I had an a-ha moment.

Why the F would he get to blow up the world, literally, detonate a nuclear bomb that destroyed me, and then grow into a better person? Why would he be the only one to come out of this shitstorm a better person. How the hell was THAT fair? He f'ing implodes but I get to see my kids 50% of the time, and run the risk of living the rest of my life angry, hurt, mis-trustful... So I decided to heal me - figure out the BEST me because, honestly, after being broken apart by his choices, I was at rock bottom too. What better time to rebuild into who I wanted to be? So, I started doing that with the thought that if he didn't fit with the newly improved me - if I wouldn't choose him NOW - and my now is ongoing - than I wouldn't "bother."

So I can now say that I would choose the him that he is now. I respect him for the work he's done and the person he's changed into. He feels like a good match to the me that I am now. The point is, I am a better version of me - and he is a WAAAAAAAAY better version of him. And we fit together, in addition to being bonded by this awfully traumatic event that he takes full responsibility for. He will be forever ashamed of the person he was, and forever working to improve upon the person he is. When I have pain (and I still do) he calmly talks about what he knows now to be true about who he was, the choices he made, the devastation he caused. He is remorseful. He is a better man in all his arenas - because he is actually the SAME guy to all people now. No more pretending, no more posture, no more lying. Just honesty and authenticity and humility. He apologizes for my pain all the time and promises to love me better than he was ever able to in the past.

I don't put much stock into his promises - I don't bank on them - but I have to admit that he's come through on all of them for the last 3 years. So I keep bothering. I keep improving. We keep communicating.

Henderson - I didn't have much if any hope in him or our marriage. But I did begin to love and trust myself on a level I didn't know was possible. I always had hope in me and it was enough for me to start the process of healing me.

Its not fair. It will always be a WTF. But (as NTV said - thank goodness he's back! -) your pain will not last forever.

[This message edited by dragonflies at 6:07 PM, June 10th (Saturday)]

Such a good question and truly made me ponder.

I wanted to reconcile so desperately because I loved my life so stinkin much. My husband was the love of my life and our son and daughter my biggest gifts. Life was comfortable and predictable and so so so sweet. Twenty-five years and I was happy.

And, I NEVER thought infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. Before it happened, I thought I could get past anything for the sake of our family.

But then d-day and the revelation of his 5 yr affair and somehow, even in the early weeks, I felt like I could not accept this life.

I waited a year to file because wanted my old life back so passionately. It took a full year for me to know I'd done my best and it was over.

Funny, even though I divorced, I often feel like I am pro-reconciliation. Perhaps because I can still feel that wild urgency to get my former reality back.

I'm trying to figure that out, too. It will never be the same, and I don't know if this marriage is worth it.

For the first year, I kept trying because I just wouldn't give up. I was not about to give up my husband, my home, and my dreams over what I had been lead to believe was a 3 month "inappropriate friendship."

From d-Day 2 until now, my understanding of who each of us are and what our marriage has been have changed dramatically. Now I just want to see what we can have if we both bring our best selves into the game.

Unlike the commonalities among the WS, our "why's" will be varied. Your "why" is special to you and none of us can convince you to use our "why". You have to find your own "why", find that thing that gives you hope & gives you a reason to fight onward.

For me, my "why" is steeped in my convictions and beliefs about marriage. My "why" is because I want my marriage to be an example to others. An example of what can happen to anyone AND an example of how to heal. I want my wife to know that I have loved her in truth and sacrificially, that when the world would have said "quit" that I "pressed onward".

For me, my "why" isn't for the sake of the kids or to why away from "what will my family think?" My why is because I am a fighter, I believe in redemption, and I am to be a picture of hope to the world around me. Those are my "why's". I pray that you will find yours soon, Henderson.

CaptainRogers thanks for such a great post. I agree very much with what you wrote. I am not there yet if I am 100% going to move forward and commit to the marriage but many of your reasons are why I am still here 7 months post DDay.

Plus, I love my husband and his friendship.

What is the point? For me, I stayed because the nuclear family was a big deal. I wanted my kids to have both parents 100% of the time. I stayed for finances. We homeschool, and I didn't want to give that up. On DD, we had 7 kids under 12 years old. D would have been rough.

But now, 16 years later, more lies have come to the surface. And I wish I could turn back the clock and get the divorce. I have had a lifetime of pain.

I read that when people are old, they have regrets. One of the biggies is the regret of not getting out of a bad relationship sooner.

Someone said, "My poor Grandma has Alzheimer's and the only thing she remembers is my grandpa cheated on her." That is probably going to be me someday.

I would get out now. You are young and can start over. The pain has subsided for me. But I am stuck in the anger phase. Don't be like me.

Dragonflies- your response was very helpful- he isn't the only

who gets better - I want to get better too!!! thank-you!

Wow did this make me think...

Someone said, "My poor Grandma has Alzheimer's and the only thing she remembers is my grandpa cheated on her."

True, no one can tell you it is worth it in the long run or cut out now...but I find it interesting you got such a variety of responses.

I stay because apart from the cheating he is a good person... I spend a lot of years dating. He is funny, he has been three for me in crisis, he never once said he would leave me even through the most painful conversations thus far. He is an amazing step father and my son adores him. He works hard, cleans and cooks, and generally shares life's stress taking the burden off me. He is beautiful to me, I adore him.

sadly the reality of the last year sets in as soon as I type the words, he has hurt me beyond words, tore down my self esteem, caused me to question myself, my worth, my beauty and I feel inferior. I am plagued with thoughts like "she would be his type" and "If I looked like her, maybe..." I hope you sit down and write out a true pro and con list to your relationship. I did and it was very helpful. Shear number will tell you if you should bother.

The year point has been a big milestone of reflection. I promised myself after gaining the advice here that I would give it one year. If I felt as shattered after that time as I did at first I would leave. But in this year I have seen his pain from what he has done, I have seen him struggle to communicate, to face his demons, I have watched him dig into why he felt unfulfilled, and mostly I have watched him desperately try to sooth me, hysterically crying months later...

I cant tell you why you should stay but if he hasn't shown you the things you need to heal and love him again maybe it is time to take your life in a new direction.

for me...it's solely for the kids. we have a nice house, in a quiet neighborhood, in a good school district. they are doing well academically and socially. I don't want to mess that up.

My decision is based on the fact that I believe people can change through hard work.

I think the bond can be healed and that we can recover together.

I believe that his actions since DDay and pre-affair warrant him a second chance at making it work.

Practically, living with him is cheaper, allows for steady childcare, home cooked meals, less chores for me and more stability for the children.

I think one thing that I no longer want is my old life back - I loved it but I think we can do better. SO I am giving it my best shot and as long as he gives it his best shot I will keep working at it for the next year and a half. If at the end of it I feel like we can't go on, we will go from there.

Reconciliation is hard work and you do not have to offer it. If he isn't working his hardest and you are feeling like it isn't worth it a year out, it may be time to move on. But only you can decide that.

I don't think there is any black and white answer for this question because even though we are all here trying to survive infidelity, I can see that everyone has a unique aspect to their story.

For me, I bother because I love him, I love our family unit, I love the life that we have built together over the years.

I see that his affair was a cry for help. He was never emotionally attached to his AP, and never had to come out of any fog. There was never a choice between me or OW, it was simply always me and our family (although hard to explain because he cheated with her).

I also see that WH is doing the work to become a safe partner to me. I see that we are both doing the work to make a new better relationship than what we had. We both want our relationship. He realizes that we were in the exact same relationship. He's never once blamed me for his A. He knows what he risked, and I have to believe in him and the new relationship that we are forming to have the tools to reach out and communicate with each other. To work together to fix any problems thrown our way.

I can also say that I have yet to go through affair season, and I'm sure I will be a blubbering, triggered mess during that time, but right now, at almost 7 months out, I'm hopeful that WH will work with me, and help me through all the triggers just like he has been.

It really comes down to what you want and what is possible. Both D & R can be honorable resolutions to d-day, and D is the better choice if 1) the A is a deal breaker, or 2) your WS won't or can't do the necessary work.

The trouble is that we can't predict far enough into the future....

My W immediately started to heal herself on d-day. Part of her work was doing what I wanted her to do - stop lying, answer my questions fully, work in IC to change from cheater to good partner, MC, sex.

Also, I was still in love with her - I never lost that. I still loved her, by which I mean I wanted the best for her.

But let me emphasize that love and lust were only part of my decision. If she hadn't started doing her work pretty soon after d-day, I think I'd have walked.

I ask that question for other BS's all the time. I wouldn't. Cheating should definitely be a deal breaker. Life is too short to tolerate that level of betrayal. Plenty of other wonderful people out there in the world that will love, honor, and cherish you until the day you die. I know, I found one.

On an OK day it would be because I love him, I love our family unit, I worry how D will effect the children. I believe in commitment and working hard on my marriage. I just don't want to give up on all that.

Today, and most days now, I have no idea. Because I'm scared to pull the trigger and walk away from a relationship and a man that will not give me what I need no matter how many times I ask. I wouldn't give up on Dday. I have spent 8 months doing most of the work to 'fix' what he broke. F him. Cheaters cheat and liars lie and he obliterated my trust and love for him.

Some days I'm right there with you, and that's coming from someone whose WS was remorseful pretty much from the start, and started doing the work almost immediately.

He has done everything he should after day but some days I just wonder why I stay with someone who figuratively tossed me aside for random hookups with strangers.

There is no clear answer for the reason I stay, but I know part of it is because...

We have 3 kids, one with a degenerative disability, meaning it'll get worse as he gets older. I didn't think I'd be able to deal with that all on my own, and as time has gone on, I am glad that I don't have to deal with it alone.

I also didn't think it was fair to my kids that their dad made shitty choices and they'd pay the price by having their parents D. If my H and I had any type of fighting chance, I wanted to give that to my kids. We always had good times as a family, my H was a very hands on dad who helped with everything. He was a good father, excluding the obvious bad choices he made that impacted his family.

And of course I still had some love for him left, and he immediately became a good "rebuilder".

But without love, none of those things would have mattered, I'd have left.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 5:57 PM, June 14th (Wednesday)]