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WW asked me what and when we were going to tell our kids, regarding divorce.

I told her I was pro R. But I needed to know that she was all in, especially in reference to her broken NC.

I told her I wasn't the one that invited the 3rd party to our marriage and that I could not be called into question.

She told me to calm down, and that I was being unclear. I told her, "there's nothing else to tell. Are you committed to this M or not?" Still she told me to be quiet. I said, "no, YOU invited the 3rd party into this marriage. The focus is on you whether or not we should move forward to R or D."

She tried to placate. I told her to leave. I am shaking typing these words. Goddammit. i can't believe she is making shit about me. She has waffled and blameshifted. But still, I feel guilty.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I have always been clear that I wanted to R, but only after I felt she was worthy of R. Fucking A!!!!!!

Nothing has changed in the last 4 months.

[This message edited by squid at 10:49 PM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

Fuck this shit man, I'm feeling your pain.I spent the night talking with my eldest son about where I'm at being 19 months past Dday . D imminent.

The incredible sense of loss , my family , my past seems all a lie , worthless and erased.

My heart shredded to pieces. Been waking up obsessing , crying at 4am 3 days in a row again.

I wish you strength squid .

Its got to get better.

I don't get it. It's all gone.

Hey Squid,

I'm sorry things have not gotten better between you and your WW. It sounds like straight-up blameshifting to me. Typical cheater speak ... It's all your fault.

I get the same ration of shit from my WH. We can't heal because I'm too angry. I must not want to work on our marriage. Why must I be so upset and irrational when he still talks to COW?

Honestly, there is little reasoning you can do here if someone is being unreasonable. They have to own their shit, acknowledge the pain they have caused and want to work on the marriage. You are not wrong or out of line.

((( )))

You can't be the only one trying in your marriage. I know you know this already.

So she ends up sleeping in DS's room while I stew that I'm too "emotional". I'm fucking unglued yet I'm being unreasonable??? Godammit!!!

Even NOW she's relying on blameshifting and gaslighting. I'm done.

If she was serious about R, and wanted to be taken seriously, she would be bending over backwards to prove it...not seeing anything of the kind here.

My WH has done this very thing as well. It makes it very hard to R w someone who doesn't seem to want it as much as you and want to pretend they are the actual victim. Do you think she is still seeing this guy after she broke the NC? Why did she say she broke it to begin w if she really wants to work on things? Try to calm down. Think positive thoughts. Breath in.... breathe out. We are all here for you

Squid,

you've been as direct this time (and likely others) as I and many others have urged. It seems she cannot even consider being all in for R despite being "all out" if you D. I am not sure how you could have been clearer.

So sorry -- IDK

Hey Squid.

I feel your pain brother.

Our stories are so similar.

From my experience, from how my story is being played out, my biggest regret is not taking control.

You need to start driving this bus.

At the moment, your in the back seat being thrown from side to side.

Get behind the wheel.

If it's going to go over the edge, at least you will be the one taking it there.

Take the control away from her.

Ugh. I'm sorry. I've been on the receiving end of the blameshifting so many times and it sucks ass. Just know that you're not alone, and you're not crazy, and you're absolutely fucking RIGHT.

I had a couple drinks last night (I know). Stewed a long while in my room, talking to myself. She just went upstairs and slept in DS12's room.

I woke up at 5am. Still fuming. We haven't budged at all in 4 months. I kept desperately hoping that she would turn around. Maybe see the value in us. Our family unit. I hoped that maybe her "work" lately and her IC sessions would help her finally "get it" and she might finally turn to me and really want to work on our M together. I kept hoping all of my efforts to hold our family together would be enough. Fucking hope is my worst enemy.

I feel so goddam alone.

I just want to have one day where I don't feel like I'm in utter hell.

We've planned a mini family vacation this weekend. Just a one-nighter in a city not far from here. The kids are so excited. I was too, before last night. Now all I am is just sad for our future.

How does anyone go on? 18 years. 3 kids. Seems like just an afterthought in her rear view mirror.

Ugh. The Pity Party is in full effect. I have so many thoughts and feelings but can't calm myself to write them all down. I didn't ask for this. But I'm having to deal with it. And I'm not doing very well.

My IC told me I'm my own worst enemy right now. He's been trying like hell to keep me from filing. He tried to tell me that I could never leave her. She's just a broken child that needs help. Give her time. Meanwhile, I'm falling apart. I'm losing my shit. I'm unraveling.

How long until she gets it? My experience here on SI is that sometimes the WS simply never does. Only unless they are truly invested in fixing themselves. But mine just wants to run.

[This message edited by squid at 5:32 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

So sorry to hear about this turn of events.

I hope your WW wife will " get it " soon and truly be worthy of R.

Sending you strength and peace.

Walking with you.

The problem with waiting for your wife to "get it" is that she may never, and do you want to wake up one day and realize you wasted the rest of your life waiting for something that was never going to happen?

Exactly, she may never get it, and where does that leave you?

It's not your IC's job to stop you, or make you file for D...it's their job to help you work through your issues.

If she isn't showing you with her actions that she is serious about R, then you have nothing to lose by filing for D, except a remorseless, lying cheater.

I think her lack of a definitive answer is your answer albeit in an extremely passive-aggressive way. I think you know all you need to at this point.

Most cheaters don't ever "get it". Most can't deal with the aftermath of their choices either. R is a fucking ton of work, even under the best of circumstances. R is not just a 2-5yr thing; I now know it's a lifetime process. This never goes away.

You need a new IC. Sounds like they are keeping you mired in the shit hole to ensure they have future sessions with you.

What's keeping you from filing now squid? File, you can stop it at any time if she has some come to Jesus moment.

So sorry for your pain. Perhaps you need to set a deadline as to when you need to either R or D. You can't keep suffering like this. At least then you will have something you know you are working towards instead of hanging in limbo.

You need a new IC. Sounds like they are keeping you mired in the shit hole to ensure they have future sessions with you.

I agree on the new IC but for different reasons. I've had about 6 different IC's in the last 10 years. What I've come to realize is they're just people doing a job and that most people, especially in western countries that coddle their young, aren't very good at their jobs. Think about places you've worked. What percentage of people there were really great at their job? Usually very low. Most people are just getting by but not very talented or motivated or both.

If you get a stellar IC on the first try then you got lucky. Just because they have their fancy credentials framed and hanging on their office wall doesn't mean they're good. It means they attended classes and passed tests but a good therapist goes WAY beyond the academics of it. What a good IC has is amazing sense of insight into people. They know when you're being honest with yourself and when you aren't. They don't follow simple IC algorithms (if problem = x then solution = y).

Of the half dozen IC's I've seen, one was absolutely amazing and I hated to lose her but she moved to a new city. One other was above average. The other 4 were cookie cutter IC's and not very good. One of them had their own self-esteem issues and believe it or not I spent more time giving them positive affirmation and telling him he's doing great and he shouldn't be so hard on himself. It then dawned on me I was paying about $180/hour to give him therapy so even though I liked him as a person, I quit being his "patient".

[This message edited by CincyKid at 6:58 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]