SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the R is always hard, regardless of the specifics. I know what you are asking though, as I too am a recipient of the "meaningless sex" excuse.

To me, it DID matter that it was meaningless. In our specific situation, he was always guilty of ONS. There weren't any repeat visits (as far as I know of course). This small fact mattered to me. I didn't have to swallow the reality pill of emotions being involved, or the likelihood of one of them walking back into the picture. The specifics just mean each of us will "process" our SHITTY situations differently.

Being handed the infidelity card is ALWAYS a slap in the face. A HUGE GIGANTIC SLAP. We all process it different; we all proceed beyond it differently. We also each bring a different set of skills, varying emotional capacities, as well as personal histories. This doesn't change the fact we have been cheated, it just changes the way we move forward. Some of us may find certain guilty acts, easier to forgive. I am not one to judge anyone on their ability to forgive. I am reminded daily that we each have to make our own decisions and sit in the fallout as a result.

Its hard for me to process that any guilty act of my WH was meaningless. He had many opportunities to stop; many opportunities to not put himself in situations where he could find easy sex; many chances to not compromise my health. He tried to explain it away by saying he "never went looking for it. It just came to ME." Statements like this make me want to retract the R card!

There are many things that would make this easier -- not having kids, if it had happened only once, if it had happened years ago and he was a stellar husband since then, if he was completely regretful and remorseful, etc. I guess what's important is whether or not the specifics allow us to grant our spouse the opportunity to hold the "reconciliation" card.

This is like trying to answer if the gunshot wound is easier to heal if the gun wasn't fired in anger.

My wife used the phrase that he didn't mean anything to me which i suppose is the definition of meaningless sex. It didn't make me feel any better. She risked everything for nothing. Or maybe she did it because I was meaningless, at least at that given point in time.

That said, had this been a long term love relationship I do think it probably would have been even worse. Our relationship really didn't suffer during this time, in fact it was pretty good as she was happy. (of course she was having porn star sex everyday). It seems that in the longer term one affairs that the relationship between the married spouses suffer. No always, but a lot of the time.

I do have to say the word easy, or easier, and reconciliation from an affair do not go together.

I think it's a double edged sword. The A in my WH's case was NOT meaningless. He thought he was in love with her and for awhile thought he could have a future with her. Sex followed I love you's. The A ended as he determined she wasn't his future.

On one hand, I feel like I can trust that he won't be able to do this again, as the sex came after the love and it's hard for him to hide his emotions. I think I'd be aware if he began to fall down that hole again.

On the other hand, they acted like boyfriend and girlfriend in love. For months. While I wasted away at home trying to survive. And he practically threw it in my face.

He is acting remorseful now, but she NEVER ever got to see the awful asshole that he has been to me. She got a perfect WH, right through until the day he finished the A, he was in MC with me and trying to work things out with me and gave her a good bye loving kiss, 3 days before DDay. Asked me to put the ring back on 2 days after that kiss. So fucked up.

No, how dare anyone risk a marriage or relationship for meaningless sex.

Makes you ask the question how much did the relationship or marriage mean to them for them to risk it all for supposedly nothing.

"amanda123" Sadly your statement is very very true.

In my case, no. It hurts regardless of the meaning behind it.

Makes you ask the question how much did the relationship or marriage mean to them for them to risk it all for supposedly nothing.

I've asked my H that question. He said our M was important to him, but he never thought he'd get caught. I don't think our M was meaningless to him, but I think he justified that "what I didn't find out wouldn't hurt me" and he justified that it was his "me time".

It's probably the same with many A's or infidelities on here, not just "meaningless sex" ones.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:07 PM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

No, it's not. I just read an article that stated that women absorb DNA from every man they have sex with. That does not make me feel good. It may have meant nothing to him but I'm sure it meant something to them.

Don't forget that one key reason virtually all WS have affairs is because they think they wouldn't get caught. Otherwise, if they know for sure they would have been caught, it wouldn't have happened.

Soon after DDay, when my WW claimed "sex was meaningless," I told her straight up that that's complete BS, and it was a shitty attempt to make me think better of her. It had meanings to her, whether she enjoyed the sex, or her AP's companionship, or both.

She seemed to take my comment well and had never gone back to that statement. She would only conclude that she never loved him, although AP's wife subsequently told me AP loved my WW and she seriously doubt that my WW had no love feelings for her AP.

I'll just leave it as that. Not a whole lot more I can pry or gain from that path. R will continue to progress (or not) based entirely on her new behaviors and dedication to this marriage.

TheBlindSided. In response to your question, “…are you saying in the relationship you now have, you regret staying together??” The answer is: No, I do not regret staying together. On the contrary, at this point (3 ½ years post D-day) I’m VERY happy we worked through it and stayed together.

If you read my profile story you will see how I struggled a lot the first 18 months or so but now I’m in a good place. I no longer look at my wife through rose-colored glasses. I see her with all her flaws and I have learned to love her in spite of them. I think before this incident I refused to even SEE her flaws. I fell so head-over-hells in love with my wife when we dated that I just saw this perfect woman whenever I looked at my wife. Sure there were little imperfections that I found cute and endearing but I just could not see anything “ugly” about her.

When she confessed to her ONS I struggled to accept that she could even do such a thing. How could she do such an ugly thing to me, to us, to our family?

Looking back now I compare it to something like a hypothetical car wreck. It is as if my wife was driving with me and the kids in the car and she blew right through a stop sign and got in an accident. She did not mean to hurt me and she should have known better than to run the stop sign. Nothing she can do can take away all the pain I had to endure while going through physical therapy, and I may have a scar for the rest of my life, but that does not mean I should stop loving her. For my sake, and my family’s sake I have to forgive her, heal myself and get on with my life.

Her words and actions since D-day have convinced me that this was a one-time mistake. She has consistently demonstrated that she is dedicated to our marriage and deeply regrets what she did that night. It took me a couple of years to finally accept that she could make such a colossal mistake but now I do. I have accepted that it happened. It was horrible and caused me great pain but it happened. Now I have to move past it and get on with my life with the woman that I love and my children.

[This message edited by BetrayedbyONS at 1:30 PM, June 29th (Thursday)]

Betrayed: Thank you for the response. I'm glad that you are happy now and were able to pull through R. I'm going to take a look at your profile story later when I get home.

I do believe there is such a thinking by is meaningless sex, especially for men. Women tend to be much more emotionally driven when it comes to sex, not always, but studies even indicate that. My WH had sex one time with the OW. Did he love her, no. Is she someone he dreamed about a future with, he claims no. She was playing a role to him in our shit storm of a marriage. He liked the attention and someone to talk to. It turned physical. I do believe it was meaningless BUT he still did it. He still shared what he was only supposed to share with me with someone else. he made that person feel like she was better than me. And with that, it doesn't matter if it was meaningless or not. It still hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder if it's harder..... I mean, this person who really meant nothing to you was worth destroying our marriage for one night of sex? I think it was a good time for him. A night of uninhibited drunken sex.... no kids.... no responsibilites...... must be nice. But to someone else's point, whatever it was for, still is the hardest for you to deal with because that's what happened to you.