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DD is 6, old enough to have a lot of family memories but not old enough to know the truth. Other add is 3 but, due to her issues, will not comprehend what's happening. The hard part is that, at that age, I know there can be no blame laid on WW. Also, we never had a bad relationship in front of the kids and this will be coming out of nowhere for eldest DD. I'm afraid that her anger will be misdirected and that she will grow to resent me before I can tell her the truth.

A 6 year old can certainly be told the truth in age appropriate manner..."Mommy has a boyfriend and when your married your no supposed to do that and it hurts me very bad"

Do NOT harm your relationship with your daughter to cover for mommy...just no.

Let mommy answer the hard questions her daughter will throw at her...she needs that. It's called reality and don't protect her from it.

Don't let her spin her tale about this..start telling people this morning while she is a work..ruin her work day.

learning9433, that's a good way to put it. Our DD has a number of her friends with divorced parents. She has asked why that happened and I told her that the parents found some one that they love more than their spouse. In this case, I guess it's one sided.

You need to show your daughter that she can ALWAYS come to you, her daddy for honesty.

Do not lie to her and try to explain it away years later...you be her path to being an honest young lady with integrity.

Do not let anyone try to dissuade you from being an honest upstanding man..if people balk, you tell them you sleep just fine with who and what you are and you will not raise your children thinking that lying in any form is ok..

Tell your story honestly from beginning to end of this debacle that your WW has weaved...do not let her try to rewrite any of it..

You have decided the shit sandwiches taste like....well...shit and you won't be eating anymore.

[This message edited by learning9433 at 9:30 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

Get this, supposed OMS of affair 1 finally got back to me. She's no longer married to supposed OMS. She told him that my WW was saying that they had an affair. He said it's a flat out lie and he's likely going to file a complaint at their workplace for disparagement.

And I ran dr. Fone on her laptop of an iPhone backup from last September. I saw that her OM2 was married. I guess I shouldn't have taken her word for it. From her Facebook page it looks like they could still be married. Already reached out to expose.

Now you're taking charge!!!!

good job dude

Current OM is married. Everything is blowing up for her. I now have a clear conscience for leaving.

You will be well served by taking these steps to get out from under the infidelity.

You did none of this. If she no longer wanted to be married she could have come to you and asked for a divorce. Instead she took the cowards way out.

It will take a while but you are at least now on a path toward happiness.

Thanks. I know now that D is the only way to go and I want to there quickly so that I can move on with my life. We have come to an arrangement where she will stay at her parents this week (and went there last night) and that I will move out next weekend. We plan to discuss the divorce with our DDs today, as we plan to never be cohabitating again. There is a part of me that wonders if this is a mistake and a bit hasty. While D-day was nearly two months ago now, our DDs have still never really only seen us fight the one time. The D will be a sucker punch from out of nowhere as far as they are concerned. For their sake, would it make sense to slow down the separation? Or would it be confusing for them to be told about the D but then for me and WW to live together for the next couple of weeks?

Ensure you talk to your lawyer before moving out to make sure it's ok to do in light of the D.

So she has now admitted she is still in love with the OM? I was confused about him actually being married. Does his wife know about the affair?

Have you now told her and your parents and other family members that you are divorcing and why?

I'll let others chime in about separating and the kids but I think perhaps not "leading them on" that you might somehow stay together is best. Does your 6 yo have friends w divorced parents? If so, Maybe you can talk to her about how both their parents still love them very much and so both you and WW will continue to do so for her as well.

StevesN,

Thanks for sticking with me. She is definitely still in love with him. I kept wondering why she was not running into his arms and now I know it's because he's married and it wasn't a choice, at least not in the immediate future. OMS knows, I told her yesterday (I only found out that she existed yesterday, the past two months would have been so much easier had I known). In laws were told Friday and I needed them to intervene yesterday to get WW to leave our apartment. A lot of our mutual friends know, but only a couple of her friends and, in those cases, her side of the story. I don't mind have a little bit of leverage as she has still not disclosed the true identity of OM1 and I want to know.

We do have a couple of examples for her to model off of, including her best friend, kindergarten "boyfriend", and a couple of others. It will be good to leverage those examples.

Thanks again. I hope to be able to pay it forward to this community at some point. At some point I was concerned that all of the responses were coming from recent members. Now I realize that this is a quick learning process and I should be able to help others even though I'm only a couple months into my own journey.

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 6:52 AM, July 9th (Sunday)]

Dupe

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 6:50 AM, July 9th (Sunday)]

I thought at one point you reached out to OM1s wife but did not hear back. If you don't know who OM1 is how did you know who to try to reach out to?

Was OM2s wife surprised or did she know/suspect. Did you learn any new info from her? Did OM2 leave the job because his wife forced him to?

Oh went back and read that Supposed OM1 denies it was him. Hmmm. Wonder if he is telling the truth.

Anyway, still wondering what OM2s Wife said.

Glad you are finding your path out of all this.

Yesterday was a busy day. OMS1 got back to me saying that there was no way that her spouse was in affair with my WW. My wife admitted thereafter that she had lied about the identity of OM1 and is still protecting his identity. He has a family and she knows that I will track down and contact OMS if I know who it is.

I told OMS2 over Facebook. Maybe not the best option, but all I had was her work number and I needed it exposed immediately. She clearly got the message, but has not reached out. I believe that she did not previously know. I intend to follow up with a call to her next week.

Yes best to confirm by voice that it was OMS2 you were communicating with and not OM2 pretending to be her.

I can already tell - by reading your thread from start to finish - that you are stronger. You've taken action and your moving forward - now you're empowered! Feels good, right?

Keep moving forward. Your goal is to get out of infidelity by any means possible. When you're ready to read some of our stories, you'll see that infidelity began with a life trauma...a special needs child, death of a loved one, job loss, some personal devastation that required healthy coping mechanisms to process - unfortunately our waywards lack those and chose affair escape instead.

If your WW has lied about OM1's identity, it's possible it is someone you know. She had no qualms letting you contact an innocent family to blow up their lives - it's possible OM1 is a family friend you know personally. Then again maybe not - just food for thought.

Peace and clarity brother and you process this bullshit!

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:47 PM, July 9th (Sunday)]

Maybe if/when OBS #2 reaches out to you, you can ask her to get the identity of OM #1 from her husband.

Thanks Stevesn and Sassy. The last 48 hours were crazy. Between telling her parents, finding out that she was lying about identity of OM1, and knowing that I was going to reach out to OMS2, she started to freak out. She came home on Saturday night wanting to talk. I was out with DDs and told her that she needed to leave the apartment before I brought them home. Had to call the BIL to intervene. She finally left and we were supposed to tell our DDs about the divorce on Sunday. She came home Sunday and we talked while her parents took the kids to lunch. It seemed like, using a druggie analogy, that she had finally hit rock bottom and was ready to recover. I thought of the saying here about having to let the marriage go in order to save it and that maybe we were finally at that point. I told her that I was concerned as there had been two other occasions on which the separation was immanent and she had been able to walk me down with promises. Only those promises were quickly broken and she was back to the lying cheating person that she has become.

I made two final requests of her: 1. she reveal the identity of OM1 and 2. she allow me to recover as many of the Whatsapp messages between her and OM2 as possible to understand how much she's been lying to me over the past month. The ensuing debate went on for some time and she ended up coercing me into getting physical for the first time in a long time. Her parents eventually had to go and dropped off the DDs before we were in agreement.

After they were asleep I asked to back up her phone as the first step to eventually recovering the texts. It turns out that she had decided to delete WhatsApp in order to make the data unrecoverable. When I found out that she took that unilateral action without telling me, I went ballistic. She ended up making a voice recording of my yelling at her. I left the apartment and went to a friends house. I noticed shortly thereafter that she had already reinstalled the app and was chatting away with OM2 again. Apparently, she told him that I had contacted the fake OM1's wife and OM2 was able to intercept the email I sent OMS2. I have already called and emailed her work today. However, since he knows that I will be contacting her, I suppose that he will likely try to come clean while they are away on vacation this week?

So this morning I return home to get ready for work. Get dragged into another conversation. Turns out that she violated NC on a daily basis and I would have seen that in the recovered texts. More TT included the fact that they slept together more recently that she had previously admitted (the goal post moved from the day before D-Day to the week thereafter). I told her I don't believe it hasn't been more recent that she was admitting. She said that now that he's no longer in the office it won't be a problem and she just wants to move forward with me and not look back. I told her there is no way for me to trust that. By trying to destroy the past she has destroyed any chance of us having a future.

We are really through. No more backing down. I rented an apartment for me and DDs with the lease starting this weekend. Although a day longer than I anticipated, as I am demanding we tell DDs tonight.

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 10:11 AM, July 10th (Monday)]