SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

^^^^^^^

That's what I was thinking. Someone close to you.

The text apology she had sent to OM2 about being dishonest with him about identity of OM1 contained enough information that makes me feel like I didn't know him.

My thought that it was someone that you know as well. But if you're confident you don't know them personally, then I would suspect it's one of her friends' husbands/partners. Or a superior at work. There's a reason she's hiding his identity so thoroughly.

The text apology she had sent to OM2 about being dishonest with him about identity of OM1 contained enough information that makes me feel like I didn't know him.

She apologized to him? And not you? Wow!

Yes, she lied to OM2 at first but I guess he figured out who OM1 was and got mad. The text I read was her apologizing to OM2 after the truth was revealed and begging him to not break up with her over her deceit (which is basically second nature to her at this point). Ironically I would not have known about the first affair had I not seen that text.

As far as she says, she is protecting OM1 because he has a family. However, there must be another reason that she is not disclosing and my curiosity will continue to get the best of me. I have nothing to hold over her at this point to get the truth and that may be the one lingering thing that will continue to bother me in all of this. I told her I never want to be in a situation where I'm talking to someone and not know that he had fucked my wife.

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 12:43 PM, July 11th (Tuesday)]

Has WW officially been served D papers? What's the process where you live.

I get that you want to know so you can be sure to cut the person out of your life. That seems like a very reasonable response on your part. Is there any way you can guarantee that you will not expose to his wife or do physical harm to him no matter who it is? You just don't want to be unknowingly talking with or hanging out with the dude who fucked your wife. That the thought of being punked so badly is unbearable. Maybe there's something related to the divorce that you could toss her in order for the information. And get some kind of proof from her that you can verify but agree to return to her. Tell her how badly you need closure with this whole mess and that she owes you at least this much.

[This message edited by anoka at 1:24 PM, July 11th (Tuesday)]

Stevesn: Not served papers. My lawyer does not want her to react and lawyer up. The terms are pretty reasonable and I'm hoping to not spend a lot of money litigating. She does have a copy of the filing and I'm awaiting her comments.

Anoka: I tried all possible routes last night, including threatening to contact her HR about her naming some innocent guy as her affair partner, but she is resolved to not tell me. She has told me that I would never see the OM1, but I can't trust anything she says.

Yes, she lied to OM2 at first but I guess he figured out who OM1 was and got mad.

Then it is someone he knows, not necessarily someone you know. You should ask OM2. Tell him you'll stop trying to contact his wife if he tells you. Don't stop of course but tell him you will.

She's not disclosing because she may still be, or want to hook up with OM1 again, and doesn't want to ruin her back-up plan.

You mentioned that she made a voice recording of you yelling at her. I know you want the divorce to go as smoothly as possoble, but I urge you to keep an VAR on you at all times.

CopiousTears,

I wish that I had. We will not be around each other going forward, so that is a lost opportunity. So far I have no indications that she is going to derail the current D, which is an uncontested, no fault filing. However, if she decides otherwise, I hope that a judge would understand my anger in the situation and, even at my angriest, I was never physically violent.

On another note, I started packing my stuff last night. It was very sad and there was a part of me that started to consider giving her another chance. I hope that feeling passes.

(((NYC))) The emotional roller-coaster is real. When you find yourself waffling, go back and read your own thread and how things have evolved.

Please don't discount a VAR, even now. Especially now. You still have a ways to go in this process, especially since you have kids. Communications will happen, just make sure you're armed with a VAR in case things go south. She's shown you that she's willing to play dirty pool to get what she wants. Yall may not be in a heavily negotiated/contested divorce YET, but cornered rats have a way of gathering 'evidence' in order to win...in the most insidious ways and always with a bit of plausible deniabilty to turn the tables against you. If you couldn't trust them during the marriage; why would you trust them during the divorce?

Stay strong. Don't delude yourself into playing checkers while your WW is playing chess.

ETA: clarity

[This message edited by CopiousTears at 6:13 AM, July 12th (Wednesday)]

She told me that she had blocked his number, which is clearly not true based on her Whatsapp activity (clocked by WhatsDetective). Why does she even bother to continue to lie and disrespect me at this point? I feel like it's time for her to be an adult and own up to her actions, especially since we are going to have to effectively co-parent for many years ahead.

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 1:33 PM, July 12th (Wednesday)]

Moving out tomorrow morning and my heart hurts. Even if we would have moved together as a family, it would be difficult to leave the apartment where my kids have grown up nearly their entire lives. But to be leaving them behind feels like my soul is being crushed. Fell asleep with oldest DD in her bed for the last time and got a couple of needed hours of sleep.

On another note, WW stayed at her parents with the kids this weekend and dropped them off tonight. I felt like her seeing the boxes packed gave her a sense of the reality of the situation. It almost seemed like it could have perhaps awoken her from the fog. But then after leaving she went back to incessantly texting on WhatsApp before finally "going dark" on the app late at night, definitely a sign she's still with OM. I guess I need to give up and just move on. Fortunately, it's not too much longer that that becomes a reality.

I'm sorry it has come to this for you. WW truly went off the deep end it seems.

What is the parenting plan. How often will you have the kids with you.

Where will WW live and parent?

Have you been able to securely contact OBS2 yet? Would love to know what she knows. Perhaps she would kill the A, although not sure that matters at this point.

Stay strong.

Stevesn, thanks for sticking with me. I am bothered by how much distain WW has for me when we talk now. When I call her out for lying to me, which she continues to do, she acts as if she's entitled to lie to me.

Anyway, all moved in to the new apartment, so most of what we have left to deal with is getting the divorce filing negotiated and then just everyday logistics of co-parenting. We have agreed to 50/50 custody and been living for the most part over the past two weeks. WW plans to move closer to the DD's school before the beginning of September. I suspect that she will move close to OM. I have not spoken to OMS and am kind of ready to drop future attempts. My WW basically admitted that she is hoping that OM will split with OMS so that they can be together. I don't want to potentially facilitate that through notifying the OMS.

So sorry for your pain. Your stbxw is a piece of work.

If I read this right, you said you were not going to contact OBS2, because you didn't want to facilitate leading OM2 into your stbxw arms so to speak.

Consider continuing to get into contact with OBS2. 1) She deserves the truth, 2) Odds are once the A is outed, based on OM2 ordering you to quit harassing, he just might throw stbxw under the bus if his BS learns the truth.

Regarding your kids, if they are old enough to understand, the truth is what they need. I get keeping things quiet for a smoother divorce, makes sense. But once signed and sealed, expose, expose, expose. You have no clue what lies are being spun. Set the record straight

Best wishes.

Telling his wife is the right thing to do. She deserves the truth. You telling won't facilitate then being together. They already are. It sounds like he is going to blindside his wife. He's probably tucking money away. Or, he's doing what most OM do. He's telling your wife he is going to leave his wife,so he can keep fucking her,but had no intention of doing it,and will toss your wife under the bus when his wife finds out. Right now,by not telling, what you ARE doing is helping him facilitate the affair.

Hellfire /Killian,

You are right. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced OMS2 doesn't know yet. Just because she didn't discover the A through her own investigative work doesn't mean she should be left in the dark. Plus OM2 is a techie, so likely much better hiding from his wife than WW was in hiding it from me. Finally, WW has chosen OM2 over her family regardless of what happens. I have a couple of

Also, with respect to spinning the story, I had exposed WW to her family a couple of weeks ago. Nevertheless, when WWs parents dropped her and the DDs at our house the other day, they were extremely cold to me. I can only imagine the lies she told them to blameshift the affairs. She started telling me all sorts of BS about how she supported me when I was out of a job during the recession (for better or worse?), or how when we found out the gender or our 2nd child I seemed indifferent (her interpretation of events), etc., as if any of that amounts to justifying infidelity. The amount of distain she's been able to build up against me is astounding. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her yet she's the one who stepped out of our marriage multiple times. She has seen how much pain and anguish it has caused me and she continues to see OM2 and lie ad cover it up. It shows me that there is no path forward together. When I first found out about the affairs, my gut reaction was to move swiftly to D. I wish I had been strong enough to follow through and save myself from so much pain. If only I had read Steadfastfalter's "We were so happy..." thread first and been able to pull it off as tactfully.