SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When a cheating wife has the gall to tell you that she can't commit to your marriage; and your reaction (instead of implementing the 180 and starting the divorce process) is to try to convince her otherwise - she loses all respect for you. And with that, attraction. And every time you get in a back and fourth with her about this, it gets worse.

She has no fear that you will end the marriage, because of your desperate "pick me" dance and her lack of consequences. Thus, she has no motivation to demonstrate remorse and she will likely continue to seek an exit affair.

It's not too late to change your approach.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:00 AM, July 20th (Thursday)]

last night we were talking

I found your parts of the conversation promising. You are finding your voice, pushing back against her bullshit, showing some semblance of power.

I found her parts, well, so far out in lala land that I just don't think you have anything to work with there.

All of her parts where so over the top that I found it difficult to pick the most outrageous. Just for starters, I've selected the one where she has to talk to someone to see if your reaction is normal.

VAR: I use/have used a Sony ICD-AX412. Any will do though. Throw out the for shit batteries that come with it and get lithium. You'll want long life batteries.

TPain, posters are concerned about you being in a limbo status. It will eat you alive.

TPIR

VAR http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=576329&AP=1

If you follow this advice above, remember this is a TOOL, do not even hint to your WW that you are using it. In fact don't even bring anything period up to her, on who she is talking to. Use what you get for yourself.

Go back and re-read jb3199 posted 7/19/2017 18:06 PM until this sinks in.

You may not like what I post but, the only reason I do is when I see someone making similiar mistakes that I did

You can lead a horse to water.... You are face down in a pool of water dying of thirst. Only you can stop this.

This comes from someone who knows what will happen to you once you get out of infidelity. Right now you're neck deep in it.

Your wife will not do anything, UNTIL you get out of infidelity. I am not talking about D or R, I am speaking to you about YOU deciding you are done with this charade.

After all this is put behind you, you are still going to have to deal with how you handled yourself during this time.

A year from now, at a minimum, you will be beating yourself up (Angry at yourself) for not doing anything earlier). The longer you stay in denial, the worse the self-hate will be.

I know first hand.

Also my last trigger was almost 20 years after D-Day, they do fade over time. Time is only thing that will heal this, after you get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by AffairofPast at 9:35 AM, July 20th (Thursday)]

Look up the term Projection.

It refers to someone projecting their issues on to someone else.

She doesn't trust you, yet she is the one who broke trust by cheating.

Mine was during the extreme part of the EA, she stated I wasn't meeting her emotional needs or talking to her.

Yet she was the one that was cold and distant, and did not want to discuss anything with me. When I brought up she was spending too much with OM (my alleged friend), she was stop talking to me, and would leave the house.

Waywards live in a different world, right now she is not the same person you use to know.

Think of it if she was a drug addict, and always high. You can't reason with her right now.

She is "on the fence", you have to knock her off. Snap her out of the drugged trance. That is why we state here what you need to do, to accomplish that.

You will eventually get there; you have to release your mind from fear. It's the toughest step in this.

All of this is pointless. It doesn't matter how you feel. It only matters what you do. Actions! Stop fucking talking! Therapy won't do shit and talking about the same things over and over with your wife won't do shit. Reading though your thread is frustrating. Take fucking control for once. Jesus fuck! I'm sorry to be rude but your so deep in beta-ville, I wonder how long until the posters on this thread stop bothering. I know I might get in trouble for this post but I don't care... you need a cold hard truth, vulgar fucking 2x4. You want some real advice? Stop trying to get your wife back. You should be actively moving away from her. You should have already moved her out. You should have already served her. You should have already told the the OMs wife. You should be seeing what she is doing to save the marriage. Why do you want her? Because you are weak. Your wife doesn't respect you. And she never will until you act like a man. Stop trying to protect her. One of the conditions for you to even think about reconciling should be that she comes clean to everyone of your friends. You shouldnt even be answering her phone calls at this point...

I know I was nasty but you needed it. You need to start following the advice on this thread now!

Until she sees you taking concrete steps to change the relationship dynamics (I.e., her being in control of you) nothing will change. She's calling your bluff on D talk with her, "I don't know how I feel", statements to get you to back down. If my W told me she was uncertain about wanting to remain M to me, my ass would be at the lawyer's office ASAP for a consult on what D might look like. I strongly suggest you get a couple of consults and don't necessarily be secretive about it. If she wants to talk about it tell her that her ambivalence about remaining M has you looking into how to protect yourself if it comes to D. Then you have to decide if you are comfortable sharing your WW with her XH. If so, continue as you have been. If not, file for D. I think you know which situation will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see.

You haven't started reading the suggested books have you? I have to reluctantly admit I have never seen anyone as stubborn as you are. It's actually interesting to watch you twist and squirm and get nowhere. My apologies for your pain but one has to wonder at it. The really confusing part is how she mistreats you and you go back for even more disrespect. Like a gambler that doubles down every time he loses.

Anyway, you need to start back at the beginning and mark off everything you have said that has turned out to be wrong or doesn't work. Start with how you felt like you had the perfect marriage. Not only was it not perfect, she banged her ex,yes, she did. Women especially, do not cheat on husbands they love. Therefore your entire take on your marriage is off.

You said he went after her before. What happened then and how do you know it for a fact. (She is not a source).

FINALLY got in touch with the counselor. She is squeezing me in today!

Hey tpain.

Lets focus on you.

Getting yourself into IC is a great first step for yourself.

How have you been taking care of yourself? Have you been getting out or time away from WW for yourself? Getting to the gym? Eating? Drinking plenty of water?

How do you see your current situation?

yop

Please use the time with the therapist to completely explain the situation as it stands. Do not try to downplay or cover up what she has done. Only with complete honesty can she begin to help you.

yelling at her, calling her a whore, telling her that i would tell everyone she knew including everyone at her office and especially his wife and tearing up the clothes she chose specifically for her date with him, was a bit much for her to take.

So far this is the only right thing you did.

You are focusing on the wrong things and trying to fix something you didn't break. You are sabotaging yourself every time you open your mouth. The more you say, the worse you make things for yourself.

You have a choice, short term pain for long term happiness or short term happiness for long term pain? You want to make it through this and get back on top you are going to have to do a few things you don't want to do. If you continue to give into your feelings this is going to end badly for you.

Your biggest problem is not being an asshole, you are still playing the doormat.

You tell her you want to D and you are disgusted with her and never want to see or hear from her again and you'll discover how much she suddenly wants to R. Telling a WS to GTFO has shown time and time again to be the fastest was to get them out of their fog and motivated to R. Trying to rationalize with them only ends in tears (yours).

tl;dr: nice guys get walked on, assholes get results when it comes to dealing with cheaters.

FINALLY got in touch with the counselor. She is squeezing me in today!

How's you make out with IC? Did you get a feel for whether or not you liked them?

yop

Sir,

You are being played like a deck of cards. She knows you inside and out and she is pushing your buttons and holding you in limbo. She cheated, not you. She should be begging you not you her. She is going to stand on her solid foundation of manipulation and pull your strings until you kick that foundation out from under her. She was willing to be everything you wanted as long as you forgot all about her affair. Now that you know she suddenly doesn't want to be your everything anymore. Ask yourself, did she really want to be that in the first place or was it a tactic to divert your attention. I am sure you love your wife but it is time to decide if you want to be a husband or a puppet. Harsh sounding I know but it's just my 2 cents worth. One thing you should not have done is call her names. Two things you can never get back is a bullet once it has been fired and words once they have been spoken. I do wish you well.

T -Pain, what happened with the counselor?

thepainisreal, just like your post name, wow, that pain is so real. I can’t fathom to understand the depth of the pain that you have felt and the lies that the wife was leaving in.

I don’t have much to say but just I feel you and understand where you’re coming from. I will be lying if I said I totally know cause I’m not you and I am not in your situation.

I am here for you if you need to talk to someone. You’re love and cared in this community.

Praying for you.

Just a reminder: You've been played like a piano.

Put your emotions aside for a minute and deal with facts. You've been a runner-up in your own marriage.

To be sure, the OM is out for the milk without buying the cow. He won't leave his wife.

The next time she seems confused, have divorce papers at the ready for her review.

I'll bet the farm that she will miracoulosly see the light--no counselor needed.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:57 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

Please let us know how you're doing. There are lots of people here who care about your well-being.

You know, there have been times on this board when I have complained that posters were being too demanding, too early. Two days after discovery and posters are already yelling, "Divorce!"

I just got back from vacation - but had posted way back early on this thread. Now I return, 8 days later, and you are not a single step closer to getting yourself out of infidelity. You have successfully found a way to keep this horror show going without having made your wife suffer a single consequence. Then you make a comment about how bad she is treating you. WTF?

Now, before I start swinging for the fences, remember that you don't HAVE to do anything. You can sit around and wait until your wife decides that Plan B is better and she'll just continue living the way she is no. Or (consistent with many of our suspicions) you get surprised with divorce papers and discover she's contemplating, right now, about whether or not they're going to leave their respective spouses and run off together. Not taking steps is your choice. But seriously, if you want to go down either of those roads, why are you here?

Look, I really do get how hard this is - many of us have been through it. But guess what? The single most effective means of getting yourself out of this hole you're in is through STRENGTH. You SAY you're strong, you SAY you want to save your family, you SAY you want to keep your marriage - but you are not DOING anything about it. You are being anything BUT strong. And I HATE seeing guys have their noses rubbed in an affair!

So pull up your big boy undies and take a stand - for yourself and your kids. Stop letting her run the show. Sit her down at the table and tell her you need to talk about the affair. If she says no, tell her to get up and get the fuck out of the house. If she says no again then tell her she's got 30 minutes to leave before you splash it across your Facebook page. Give her your angry look - you know, the one that she sees when she knows you're not fucking around. Pick up the phone and call her parents - right in front of her - and let them know that she starts talking about the affair or you starting talking to Daddy.

Schedule a polygraph immediately. Don't tell her. Instead, tell her you're taking her for lunch and then drive there. Park and let her know what's about to happen. If there's anything she needs to tell you - it's go time. Right now. Do the polygraph anyway.

Sit her ass at the kitchen table, pull out your phone, and call his wife - right in front of her. Get it done - immediately. Stop making excuses.

I could go on and on. But what your wife is seeing right now is a wimpy guy who won't stand up to her. You recognize that doing the pick me dance is wrong, yet you've done it repeatedly through this thread by not putting your foot down.

Very early on in this thread you heard this message - in order to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it. That is the penultimate truth.

You've had 10 days now to process what happened. You've been on this board daily and you've had a ton of support.

Now get up and do it. Do what's right. Take control back in your life and start demanding the respect that you deserve. If she doesn't want to give it to you - F her. Tell her to leave. Let her SEE the consequences that HER ACTIONS brought. You know what will happen??? It will show her that you're a man of your word and a man of conviction. It will knock her ass off the fence. It just may save your marriage.

Dude, it's time to man up.

Sorry.

very well put by Lifeiscrazy. OP, read it and take it to heart

Tough love but another vote for lifeiscrazy.

And a reminder that we're all on your side and want to see you navigate through this with the best outcome possible.