SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Telling the Other Spouse may make you feel better, but you don’t have the right to do it.   As Katie Lercsh wrote (someone who is very knowledgeable on the subject and has written extensively),

Think for a second about how dreadful and betrayed that you feel right now. Do you want to take the responsibility for bestowing this on someone else? Doesn’t it make more sense to concentrate on the fall out of your own marriage rather than taking on someone else’s issues. And, if you can think logically about it, what good outcome can come of this? It’s highly likely that her husband is not going to great you with a warm reaction. And, it’s also highly unlikely that inserting yourself into someone else’s life is going to help your situation. At this point, your number one priority should be yourself. How is inserting yourself into someone else’s life going to help you?  Because what is going to help you the most, and what you really need right now, is reassurance, time, remorse and accountability from your husband, and for both of you to work together to pick up the pieces and fix what was broken. The other woman (and her husband) do not fit into this equation. In fact, it’s entirely best if you cease any contact with them immediately and definitively.

What she’s saying is not only is it a bad idea to focus your attention in this way if you are truly wanting to reconcile your marriage, but also that you have no right, and it’s unethical, to interfere in someone else’s marriage, even if this person interfered in yours.  Your hurt is not license to purposely hurt someone else.  Ethically, you need to stay out of their lives.   Two wrongs don’t make a right.  You aren’t God.  You don’t know all the particulars of their lives and how disclosure might affect the other spouse, their children. Anyone.  What if domestic violence results from disclosure?  What if the spouse commits suicide after ingesting this news?  Are you really prepared to accept that responsibility? An ethical person would not.   Telling may horribly backfire in some cases.

^ load of crap

Pretty unfair to simply dismiss a reasonable (if opposing) argument as "load of crap".

I disagree about the ethical argument.. I think ethically, you MUST inform the other spouse.

I also disagree that this does nothing for the OP... it keeps the OM busy with his own mess (that he created), which leaves less time and pleasant feelings for the OP's wife.

The ethical thing to do is to tell, the fallout from the truth does nothing to change that.

@crushednheartbroken, it's hard to reply to what you said without anger because it just feels so cruel. It's the lies, not the sex, that destroy you. I lived for years with this constant horrible feeling that something was wrong, but had no idea what it was. I put myself on unnecessary psych meds to try and cope with my 'paranoia' and 'negative thought patterns'. And all the while I was still being lied to. If someone had KNOWN and chosen to let me continue to live in that state, well... I just have no words. The truth came out and I finally had the relief of knowing I wasn't crazy, but I'd be so much better off if someone had told me.

Eta: How on earth do you become responsible for another person's actions by speaking the truth?

[This message edited by redfury at 2:39 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

It's not a reasonable argument. Telling the OBS has nothing to do with purposely hurting them and everything to do with getting oneself out of infidelity. There's nothing ethical about choosing to keep someone else's secret. To argue that the bearer of bad news should bear any responsibility for the actual damage that was inflicted is entirely unreasonable.

Having been the OBS in my past situation I wholeheartedly DISAGREE with Katie Lercsh.

I am FOREVER GRATEFUL that the BW exposed the affair to me. I come to understand why my WW at the time was being so horrible to me and our kids. We were made to feel at fault. I was empowered on the day the BW told me the truth with evidence and was able to find the strength to take action and be decisive in my own course out of infidelity. I was provided with options and clarity due to this exposure.

Let me point something out here -

What she’s saying is not only is it a bad idea to focus your attention in this way if you are truly wanting to reconcile your marriage, but also that you have no right, and it’s unethical, to interfere in someone else’s marriage, even if this person interfered in yours. Your hurt is not license to purposely hurt someone else. Ethically, you need to stay out of their lives. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You aren’t God. You don’t know all the particulars of their lives and how disclosure might affect the other spouse, their children. Anyone. What if domestic violence results from disclosure? What if the spouse commits suicide after ingesting this news? Are you really prepared to accept that responsibility? An ethical person would not. Telling may horribly backfire in some cases.

Is EXACTLY the same argumentative wayward logic that a wayward spouse gives to the betrayed spouse as to why not to expose...so that the affair can continue further underground. It isn't because they fear blowing up families by exposure. It is the fantasy they don't want to blow up.

you have no right, and it’s unethical, to interfere in someone else’s marriage

I respectfully disagree.

If the OBS had told me SIX months before I found out on my own, they would not have continued their affair, taken it underground and continue to lie, cheat and betray both of us and their families. I would have WELCOMED the OBS telling me.

Telling may horribly backfire in some cases.

And not telling can allow the affair to continue.

If the tables were turned I would feel the moral obligation, the ethical obligation to tell the OBS. They deserve the truth, deserve to know who they are married to, to make informed decisions. It would not be out of revenge, it would be out of respect for them as a human being. What they do with the information is up to them.

An ethical dilemma is a decision making problem between two possible moral imperatives, neither of which is unambiguously acceptable or preferable. The complexity arises out of the situational conflict in which obeying one would result in transgressing another. It is sometimes called ethical paradoxes in moral philosophy

So IMO, the BS does have the right (as it is not illegal) to tell the OBS if they choose.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:32 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Crushednheartbroken's post was actually a cherry-picked direct copy & paste from another blog (first result from googling "Katie lercsh"), deliberately lacking the context surrounding the argument being made therein, so I really don't feel it's unfair or bad about calling it the load of crap it is since literally no effort was made by the poster anyway.

You don't tell the OBS because you're trying to hurt them. You do it because they deserve the truth.

The harm isn't in telling the truth. It's in the cheating and the lying.

You want to bring up DV and possible suicide as reasons not to tell. First, you're not responsible for anyone else's actions. Second, what about deadly STDs? What about STDs that result in cancer? Or infertility? What about those who are blindsided, abandoned, and have no money to support their child because the WS had been hiding money?

You want to quote some "expert", yet you dismiss the fact that the overwhelming majority here encourage the OBS be told.

And, actually, informing the OBS about the affair is one if the best ways to make sure NC is upheld, so it certainly does help your situation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:03 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

If your wife were having an affair that you didn't know about, would you want the OBS to spare your feelings and not let you know? Would you not want to know if she could have an STD from someone else? Maybe an STD that could be passed on to your kids or a newborn; maybe one that causes birth defects? Would you want to know so that you could be part of the solution to ending the affair? Would you thank the OBS for not telling you 20 years ago when you're old and your cheater's sudden onset of conscience causes her to confess? Would you thank the OBS after the STD that you weren't told about begins causing you medical issues? It's your decision, but I've never heard of an OBS that wasn't thankful that they were informed of what was going on.

And just because your cheater didn't contract an STD doesn't mean that she didn't have sex. It just means that she got lucky.

Sorry about your situation.

Is EXACTLY the same argumentative wayward logic that a wayward spouse gives to the betrayed spouse as to why not to expose...so that the affair can continue further underground. It isn't because they fear blowing up families by exposure. It is the fantasy they don't want to blow up.

I didn't find out about my wife's affair from the OM's wife - even though she knew about it two months before I discovered it. She chose not to tell me (OM convinced the idiot it was a short term EA). And because of that, I despise her just as much as the POSOM.

So you can guess what happened. The POSOM bought a burner phone and their 2 year PA continued for months longer, till I caught her. If I hadn't, for all I know they'd still be going at it and I'd be clueless. No thanks to that dumbass Stepford wife.

The POSOM threw my wife under the bus so fast she couldn't see straight. All because he didn't want to have to deal with me.

So for those who think it's a good idea not to tell the BS's spouse; I think you're FOS, but of course you're entitled to a wrong opinion.

OP, if your decision to not expose him to his wife allows a continuation of their A underground - the same thing that happened to 1Faith and me - knowing that extra set of eyes could have prevented it; you'll be owed another "I told you so".

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:16 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Edited because apparently I read wrong.

[This message edited by redfury at 6:16 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

It amazes me. I still hold true to my belief. As far as telling to make sure the affair is stoped, that's absolutely ridiculous. The affair should be stopped in the merit of the WS and that person only. If that person is genuine, there is no need to tell the other spouse. If they're not, they will just find someone else to cheat with or continue the affair regardless. I understand that there is a lot of anger towards the affair person, but let's lay blame and accountability where blame should be, on the WS.

Redfury, you know nothing about my situation, so that comment was unwarranted about living in infidelity. I see you are rather new to the DDay, so you appear very angry and imo have a lot to learn. I'm almost 5 years out.

[This message edited by crushednheartbroken at 5:41 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

My WW had an affair with a co-worker for a year. The POSOM did the same thing at his last position.

My WW and I are in the middle of a huge divorce and custody battle. My kids' lives are being destroyed! My life is being destroyed!

If the OBS (don't think she knew) told me a couple of months in, you don't think my life would be completely different??

If I found out she knew and didn't say anything to me, I would feel as betrayed by her as much as the OM.

Now, it took me a bit to tell because I was in the BS fog... But, I know now it was the right thing to do and I the OBS was grateful I did because she had her suspicions.

And it's official. T/J

Sorry, didn't mean to T/J

[This message edited by c24j at 7:10 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Let's stay on topic please

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:03 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Let's stay on topic please

What is this in reference to? I'm not trying to be smart or anything. Just want to know so that I understand board norms.

Agree...

T/J

Respect the original poster "thepainisreal" and not the most recent questions posed.

I apologize for adding to the T/J

Start a new post if relevant.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:50 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

even if she did, the OM certainly didnt contract an STD from my wife and anything he has, his wife certainly has been exposed to.

This made my heart drop "his wife certainly has been exposed to"...then she would need to get treatment as soon as possible!