SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

well, im still here. swings a plenty.

she is acting contrite and calm. she is soothing me when i trigger. honestly thats going about as well as i could hope.

i still dont know how to move past what i know and what there may be.

i am really considering a polygraph but i just wish she would walk me through step by step. its almost as if her coming clean is the final speed bump to reconciliation. yes, i know that you all have said that forever.

im sure ill never know why...

im sure ill never know why...

And you're good with this?

^^^^^^^^^^

Exactly, you're good with not knowing the truth?

Best wishes

its funny...

is there any way to really know the truth?

T-Pain,

I get what you are saying. There is truly never any way of knowing. But you need to judge the character of your WS to see if she is truly remorseful, wants to come clean (for the most part), and answers all of your questions regarding the A. I believe that the answer in your case has been a resounding no.

for her to be honest is a good start. isnt it?

NYC, we are getting there...

BS always believes there is more to tell. Maybe there is and maybe there isn't. Has it occurred to you that maybe she has told you everything and she did not sleep with the AP. You appear to be determined to make her say she did even if she didn't. She's sorry, she's remorseful, and she wants to be married to you. She chose you. In 35 years I have never ask if the EA my wife had was PA. I didn't want to know then, because being who I was, if I knew it was physical I would have done something violet like putting him in the hospital. There would have been a face to face and I could not have walked away without a physical confutation. I don't want to know now because since 1982 I have had a wonderful and close marriage with a woman who is and has been my wife, lover, and best friend. Do I have my suspicions. Certainly. Do I want to know now and blow up a great marriage. Hell no. Do you believe your wife will do this again. If yes, then you need to go your separate ways. If you believe no then start getting closer to your wife and enjoy each other and your marriage. Poking the bear can cause havoc and destruction. Sometimes it's better to just let him sleep. I wish you well.

lion,

our position is similar.

it has been all that i can do to not go to his house. if this had happened to me 10 years ago, im not so sure i could have resisted. im a strong guy that has never backed down from a fight. in that regard, both he and i are lucky.

as far as my wife is concerned, i am certain she wont do it again. she has gone full-on into remorse mode. she is contrite, kind and patient. to fly in the face of me being a strong man, i broke down on sunday. we were cleaning out some things and i came across a card she had given me a few years ago before the birth of one of our children. the short of it was that she told me what an amazing man i am and how she looked forward to spending the rest of her life with me. those words crushed me.

instead of recoiling, she embraced me and cried. she told me she was so sorry for what she had done and she was sorry for hurting me.

it actually felt good.

who knows. one day at a time...

Comforting you when you trigger is, well, easy. She cares about you,you're crying,and she comforts you.

What work is she doing on herself to become safe? Is she in IC? Did she get tested for stds? Is she fully transparent? Maybe you've already answered these questions,but your thread is long.

Are you asking questions? Is she answering them fully? Or is she still threatening divorce if you keep asking your questions?

Since she's so remorseful, then she won't have any problem with you informing the OBS. So do it. It's the decent,humane thing to do. And,it's also a bit of a test. Your wife isn't supposed to be in contact with him. If she says something to you about you telling his wife,then you know she's talking to him.

If you truly believe she is completely remorseful, then there's no reason not to tell his wife. I mean,other than selfish reasons. Your wife has been plenty selfish. If you want her to fly straight, and do the right things, lead by example.

Tpain,

I've spent the last 20 minutes going through this thread,reading every one of your posts, and most of the others. (btw, check my member #, I've been here awhile, and I've seen hundred of people come through)

You've broken the first rule of SI. You haven't exposed. It doesn't matter if she actually had sex or not, ( she did , of course, why else are they in a hotel. She's had sex with him before, he's and ex. He's safe and familiar, no matter what she says)

His wife deserves to know. You know that, you have to face it. It's the morally right thing to do.

You will never be free of this until you tell her, because now you are complicit in the lie.

You will never be free of this because she and the OM have gotten away with it, you know this and you refuse to do anything about it.

She has duped you, conned you, and has paid absolutely no consequence for it at all, now has she?

A few tears and getting a little clingy/ lovey and it's all back to normal as far as she's concerned. In the mean time you have a bleeding ulcer in your soul.

Is it still going on? Probably not, not right now anyway.

since then, she wont talk about the affair nor will she commit to saying she wants to stay in marriage. just doesnt want to talk about it at all

She has you right where she wants you. Right where she needs you.

I cannot emphasize too strongly how much you need to stop what you are doing right now and call the OBS. Tell her the truth about what you know, and what you don't. Let the chips fall where they may. That is how life works.

I promise you a great weight will be lifted off of you, and you can begin to put the pieces back together. I've seen it a hundred times here.

The truth will indeed set you free.

In the matters of love, you must be willing to risk losing it all to get what desire.

One last thing, make no mistake about who the "prize" is in this story.

That would be you. Don't forget that. A lot of women would be happy to take her place.

she i completely transparent. she hasnt been tested for STDs, we are talking about that. she is not defensive when i talk about it. She and I both are in IC.

I just dont see the benefit in telling the OBS. i get the feeling of screwing up the other guys life, and it is appealing. but i dont know what good it does me. again, if she doenst want to stop talking to him, i dont want her to because his wife knows too. i want her to be done with it because shes done not becausse the option isnt there. i will make it hard as fuck for her to talk to him, but not impossible.

also, if i told the obs, i would expect him to reach out to tell my wife. isnt that the most obvious thing??? yes, i wish he would contact her and that she would tell him not to again and that she would immediately tell me, but im ok with that not happening.

i believe she isnt going to contact him again. the tables have turned. she has far more to lose than I.

**Posting as a member**

I just dont see the benefit in telling the OBS. i get the feeling of screwing up the other guys life, and it is appealing. but i dont know what good it does me.

Really? It's just about how it benefits you? You have no regard at all for the other BS? You don't think she deserves to know what's going on so she can protect herself?

Ok. So you won't tell because you don't see how it helps you. You don't think it will help you. But how would it hurt you?

It wouldn't. Except your wayward wife will be mad.

Odd. You have one of the longest,if not THE longest threads on this forum. Page after page, of betrayed spouses reaching out to help YOU, with no benefit to themselves. And you flat out refuse to help the ONE betrayed spouse that you can help.

You tell her because she deserves to know. Not because you get something out if it. You tell because that's what a good man does.

Jeez.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:48 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

but I don't know what good it does me.

It usually kills the A. It's not about you, it's the decent thing to do.

TRUST EVERYONE HERE. We have seen hundreds of guys just like you.

I've also seem plenty that end up back here in a few months or years, saying," Why didn't I listen to you guys? You were right".

Why are you having a problem with this?

You think you screwed up his life? Really?

You think he'll run to your wife? Do you think not telling will keep from doing that anyway.

You are worried about some scuzbag that invaded the sanctity of your marriage, and with your wifes help, has deceived and lied to you as they went screwing around behind your back, but you don't want to hurt his feelings, or expose what a lying POS he is to his wife/gf?

You can wallow in self-pity or you can take a flame thrower to this so it does come back to bite you.

So your position is that because you don't see the benefit to you, you won't do it? Seriously? One - I sincerely hope that is what you truly believe..

What I think is you are hurt and still very, very, very afraid that once you do that you discover that wife and affair partner are still full on in the affair and/or you discovery that there is a lot more to what happened than what your wife admits.

In any case I truly hope you are not the kind of person who would let another human being be harmed when you could (very easily) prevent the harm just because you don't see the "personal benefit" to you.

Your thread started with the statement that you can't believe you are here. I suspect ALL betrayed spouses feel that way and you are 100% correct. You had no choice on getting here - that was forced on you by your wife. However at this point it has long moved on to it being your choice to stay in infidelity... and worse yet you have unilaterally decided to keep others in infidelity as well.

Make no mistake... you are now an active conspirator in the infidelity. At the end of the day you have to live with your decision... but go into it with your eyes wide open. You are still a victim of your wife's infidelity but you are also now facilitating the victimization of the other betrayed spouse.

I hope you at some point find the will power to do the right thing.

Make no mistake... you are now an active conspirator in the infidelity. At the end of the day you have to live with your decision... but go into it with your eyes wide open. You are still a victim of your wife's infidelity but you are also now facilitating the victimization of the other betrayed spouse.

This☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆^^^^^^^^

Like I said, you BOTH are selfish. Not telling your WW's lovers betrayed wife is sad. She has the right to know. But if you tattle, your WW will divorce you. That is your priority, damage control and her priority is to ensure her ex, her lover will be okay.

I guess if roles were reversed, you wouldn't want to know the truth. Rugsweeping.

Your WW has you by the short hair. You tell, she walks. Is that remorse? Heck, it's not even regret. She'll smooth your feathers, and do it again.

Telling the OBS is to ensure accountability and give her the opportunity to get out of infidelity. But you can't because your 'remorseful' WW will divorce you.

I am done with this thread.

I guess if roles were reversed, you wouldn't want to know the truth. Rugsweeping

T-Pain - I think you've said as much in an earlier post haven't you? You really would rather have never found out. Certainly accepting that your wife is lying to you shows that you don't really want the truth.

but i dont know what good it does me.

What a selfish thing to say. Do you really go through life only doing things that benefit you?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 1:27 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I re-read my last post and those others that may seem like we are piling on and giving you grief, but I assure you it's coming from a sense of support for you. For those of us that have been here awhile, and have seen the multitudes of BS's come through here, exposing is the basic first action of getting out of infidelity and rebuilding that makes us so adamant about doing it.

I hope you take it in that context.

Good luck, bro.