SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Take the best deal you can get while keeping the civility your mentioned.. Since you have been kind of mellow about the whole situation she will try to "civil" her way to get the best deal for her

In my life I have always been careful to not burn bridges you never know when you may need them. I know that may not fit in this situation. But on the other hand if I get ugly with her it really isn't going to change anything. It will give me maybe a moment of satisfaction but that is it. But it will also give her justification for what she is doing....I don't want to give her that satisfaction.

I'm confidence that my lawyer will get me the best deal possible.

You're in Limbo. Limbo is fucking hell. Of course you want closure. You only get out of Limbo with closure. Either the relationship is over or the couple attempts R. Limbo is fucking hell.

Getting closure this route, given your recent interactions with her, it's going to come at a cost. You're giving her the power. How is this going to end up for you?

M1965 gave you a FANTASTIC script for how to make the meeting productive, if you choose to meet with her. Without preparing for this meeting, you are leaving yourself very vulnerable.

Missing,

You say you have asked your wife to come over to talk.

I am going to suggest you LISTEN.

I’m also going to suggest you listen with a lot more than your ears.

Your wife has already moved out.

She’s been dating OM (BTW – I think there is no danger whatsoever with her job or OM job that they are dating unless their company has a very clear no fraternization policy. OM being a manager usually only applies if she was answering to him).

Your wife has FILED.

She moved in with OM (does she still live with him?)

She is seeing OM.

Simply based on the above I think it’s very clear what your wife has “told” you. The problem is a lot more based on what you hear. Whatever she says will be like an obese person saying they WANT to be thin while eating fries and a burger. What she says she wants won’t be relevant until she tells you what she’s going to do to get it, and then starts showing actions that support what she says.

Back in my days as a cop I had to evaluate situations. I might be called into a tense confrontation where I faced someone that claimed to be calm, unarmed and not being involved in whatever was going on, but his body-language, stance, appearance, and hand-positions might indicate something totally different.

If I only listened to what he said, I might have missed when he pulls a knife out of his pocket. If I take him at face-value when he tells me he won’t move I might be late reacting when he starts running. If I believed he had no part in the incident I might let him go, only to discover he was the initiator of a fight.

I would ask him to keep his hands where I can see them. If he didn’t I would probably be keeping my right hand close to my gun. I might ask the guy if he had anything that could harm me. Even if he said no I wouldn’t take him at face-value; I would ask him if I could pat him down. A refusal would tell me his first answer was probably a lie. I would listen to him claiming to be a bystander while watching the blood on his clothes or the ripped collar and listening to what THAT told me.

So, LISTEN to your wife.

Have a goal for the meeting. That goal isn’t that she comes back nor is is that you divorce. The goal is that after the meeting YOU have a CLEAR VISION of where you are headed.

If she tells you she doesn’t want to let go of the marriage… that’s of no value unless she also tells you what she’s willing to do to keep the marriage. That’s of no value unless she can follow it through with actions.

“I don’t want to divorce, but I’m not ready to come home or leave OM” is not hope. That’s not telling you she wants the marriage. That’s telling you she wants to live separated and leave the option of dating OM open. So, LISTEN to what she says and evaluate it along with her actions.

You too must evaluate what concessions you are willing to make. Like if she tells you she needs more time… Are you happy with that? Willing to let her have a couple of more weeks in OM bed? I think that if there is any hope then that hope won’t be any in a month. You might as well get YOUR focus set and YOUR vision of how to get out of infidelity. If she needs “time” … well… you still keep momentum out of infidelity. Since you are moving along alone then that momentum will inevitably be along the path of divorce.

Update:

Turns out my WW's OM is a Serial Cheater and Seduction Addict. He has already been with at least 2 other women since my WW moved in with him. Also turns out he has been divorce three times and he is still married to his fourth wife. His current wife knows what kind of man is already, but they won't divorce because of money.

The OM follows same script every time. He finds women who fit the profile gets them to D as fast as possible, after the D is final he is ready to move on to the next. Normally having 2 or 3 women he is messing around with at any time. I know all of this because one of his past women contacted me.

I gave as much info to my wife as I could. She might believe me or she might not. Said she was a big girl and can take care of herself. Sure she certainly doing a great job of that

MH2, how has she been treating you in general lately?

Whatever her intentions are with the OM, her blinders will come off eventually. But she sounds like the type of person that would never admit she fucked up, nor would she swallow her pride to try and salvage her M either.

I hope you are taking care of yourself as you battle forward.

Dude, you need to let her go and move on.

She has proven that she is as much of a user as he is, why would you want that back in your life?

Get the D done and enjoy the rest of your life.

MH2, how has she been treating you in general lately?

Really haven't had much contact with her.

Dude, you need to let her go and move on.

I was only sharing to let people know that Karma will be coming for a visit sooner or later.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 6:07 PM, October 7th (Saturday)]

Good, it might be a little Karma that she got sucked in by a bigger user than herself.

Did she ever come over to talk?

Did she ever come over to talk?

No she did not come over to talk. She said after I gave her the information that she couldn't come over now. I did let her know that the person who contacted me let me know that she was living with the OM. I followed that up by telling her I had already have known that for a long time. Basically I was just calling her out on that lie she has been telling me for months.

Getting all of this new information doesn't really change anything other than confirming everything I already knew or thought.

If there is a silver lining to any of this at least I know the odds of them living happily ever after are pretty small if not zero.

Your wife's OM maybe a serial adulterer/cheater but your wife has chosen him over you. What's that make her?

I think you're giving the OM too much credit. Your WW made a choice to pursue this.

At this time she probably knows or suspects the truth but is in denial of who he is much like the denial you're still in.

If you really wanted a chance here some well planned exposure is your best bet. Don't be affraid of pushing her farther away.

She's already gone.

Your wife's OM maybe a serial adulterer/cheater but your wife has chosen him over you. What's that make her?

I think you're giving the OM too much credit. Your WW made a choice to pursue this.

At this time she probably knows or suspects the truth but is in denial of who he is much like the denial you're still in.

There is no doubt that my wife is also at fault for letting this happen. She is also a cheater now too. No denial here about that.

Giving the OM too much credit? With everything I found out about him I wasn't giving him enough credit.

She certainly knows now after I told her, she just doesn't want to believe it right now.

No denial on my part now.....I'm moving out of Infidelity.

Good for you. I sincerely hope you do well.

A hard no contact will get you where you need to be to get through this.

Good luck

So sorry you are going through this. Your wife is in a affair fog. It may take some time to wake up. When she does she will be facing a lot of regret and remorse.

You need to go full no contact

The OM follows same script every time. He finds women who fit the profile gets them to D as fast as possible, after the D is final he is ready to move on to the next. Normally having 2 or 3 women he is messing around with at any time. I know all of this because one of his past women contacted me.

What an awful situation to find yourself in.

The question is now that you have done your homework, what are you going to do with the knowledge you have gained? Obviously POSOM is either a narcissist or a sociopath, or more likely both.

I know that you don't want to "burn bridges" with your WW, however I believe POSOM has already lit the bridge on fire with the hope of destroying your marriage for nothing more than to feed his sick ego.

You don't really have a lot options at this point. As others have mentioned, continued exposure may be one way to snap your WW out of the fog more quickly. Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? If so why not contact her and let her know what you have learned on the pretext that you are concerned for her. Same with her brother. Increasing the emotional cost of the affair (to her) is one way to speed up the clearing of the fog.

Again, why not take the time to contact POSOM's HR and explain what he is doing to women at his workplace. If he is high up the executive ladder, even simple affairs would be a big problem in most organizations, but his actions here are extreme and disturbing. You have the chance to save other people's marriages from this sick person.

Dude, think for a minute.

What you are telling your wife is this:

“The OM is a terrible option so come back to me”

Basically, it’s suggesting she settles for you. Sort of like “oh… I can’t afford a Cadillac so I might as well get this Hyundai”.

Missing – you are the PRIZE and not the consolation-reward. You are the Gold Medal, the Super Bowl, The Masters Green Jacket. If she comes back it’s not because OM was lacking but because she wants you and you are willing to let her back in your life.

Yes – if you want to then let her know how OM is. But coming from you it has very little value.

Missing. Your absolute best bet at reconciling is by applying pressure. Right now, the ONLY pressure you can apply is pursuing the divorce and detaching from your wife. Cut off her fix of you. Remember – her contact with you has only got two possible goals: It’s either to keep a thin and weak lifeline back to you or it’s to feed her with negative emotions about you justifying her actions.

That weak lifeline has a very limited lifetime. She’s weaning herself off you, and that’s why her contact is less and less. The negative emotions? Well… a wife visiting her cuckold husband and him just being docile and accepting… it’s not as if you are fighting for your dignity or your marriage. It feeds her vision of the marriage being over anyways, after all Wishing might state he wants her back but he’s not really fighting for it.

Missing – Send her the following text or tell her this over the phone:

“Wife. I have reached the point where I am no longer willing to accept what is happening or wait for you to decide what you want. I know that I want out of infidelity. I would prefer it was with you, but I am no longer waiting. I am getting out.

Since you filed then please respond to my counter-claim and let’s get the ball rolling. If my attorney hasn’t heard from your attorney before Friday, then I will get things moving.

I would appreciate we let the attorneys do the work. I have no interest in arguing the divorce with you. There are laws and procedures that should ensure we both get a fair deal.

I have no intentions of being your friend after the divorce is finalized since ongoing contact with you will only keep me in pain, but I hope that I can at least have fond memories of our past. Please keep contact with me at a minimum.

Please let’s get things moving. I have a life to live.”

And then get things moving.

Missing…

May – June – July – August – September

Moved out. Filed. Living with OM…

A thread on SI that is about to complete its 17th page of the same advice repeated and again…

Why do you expect her to change?

YOU must change, and that change MIGHT get her back.

Or not…

But at least it might get YOU out of infidelity.

Missing, listen to Bigger. He has helped many of us on this board. It is hard, I have gone through it. Let it be hard. Walk away and dont look back. That is the most powerful action you can take. Make a list of all the words and actions you could possible resort to and know that walking away and meaning it is by far the most powerful of the list. If you decide to move forward without your ww, one of 2 things will ultimately happen. 1. You will heal and find someone better. 2. She will realize that you are the real prize and she will pursue you and do anything and everything to get you back. The best way to get someone's attention is to remove yours.

And if that doesnt get her to turn around then I guarantee you that no amount of convincing or bashing the om will either. In which case she is already gone and your best option is to accept it, as hard as that may be for you right now, and move on. You will heal. It may take time but the pain is temporary. You will discover that one day you dont hurt as much and then you will discover your feeling better and better. Then it will occur to you that you ARE healing! That you are over the hump. And if you work on yourself and become the best that you can be, you will find someone far better who will want to enjoy your awesome life with you.

Good luck!

Turns out my WW's OM is a Serial Cheater and Seduction Addict. He has already been with at least 2 other women since my WW moved in with him. Also turns out he has been divorce three times and he is still married to his fourth wife. His current wife knows what kind of man is already, but they won't divorce because of money.

You're WW doesn't seem to care. You can't make her care. Is shouldn't matter at all to you, what he is or does.

At some point you will have to realize, she ain't coming back. And even if she did, why in the world would you want her?

End it. Get the best deal you can and get on down the road and live your life. Close this chapter and move on.