SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*****Update on page 18.......I'm doing much better now********

Where do I start. I am 37 and my wife is 38. We have been married for 7 years and together for 11. We have no children. Everything seemed to be wonderful over the years with little to no complaints for either of us. We got a along great and were pretty much together non stop. When we first got together our earning power was about the same. As the years went on her salary continued to climb while mine was just rose slowly. It was just the different career paths we picked. She got a job after in another state about 5 years ago with a pretty big raise. I gave up my career and followed her and I had to start over again with a pretty big pay cut. I'm fine with all of that and I don't even know if it plays into the situation.

Fast forward to the middle of April of this year. She bought me a nice new truck that I have wanted for along time. The expression on her face when she was able to this for me was one of pure joy! There was no other guy at that time. The other guy started at the company she works for at the end of April, he is 15 years older than her and has been divorced 2 times. On his very first day of work the went on a business trip together to another state. This must be where the connection started to happen. Normally while she was on business trips she would always call me and we would talk before bed. This trip I had to be the one to call her. This guy has a higher level position than my wife and my wife was telling him about all the things she would like to do professionally. He bought in right away and was telling her it wasn't fair how she was being treated at work and how he would try to help her out as much as possible. Pretty my promising the moon....She was so excited about this as was I, as I take great joy seeing her climb the corporate ladder.

The beginning of May I started to notice a change in my wife behavior. She has never lied to me in the 11 years we have been together. The first lie is what threw up my guard. She said she was still at work when she wasn't. I tracked her and she was at a restaurant with the OM and another coworker. This meeting may have been innocent but I don't know. A few days later I had appointment and she was suppose to come home early from work to take care of the dogs. Instead she was having drinks with the OM. In my moment of anger I didn't read the text message correctly that she sent me, she has invited me to join them. But I felt the only reason was because I found her where she wasn't suppose to be. She came home and apologized however she texted him when she got home. I told her please keep any text to him business related. She agreed. We went to dinner and service was really slow. Of course when we got home the first person she texted was him. She just couldn't stop. I got up in the middle of the night and check her phone and notice that she deleted all of the text from him. After that things seem to be ok for a week or two...or she just did a better job of covering up.

I noticed that she started to dress up for work more than she use to. She also went to work a little bit earlier too. She has always stopped and got coffee on her way to work for as long as I can remember. However I notice that she was going in now and staying for 45 mins or so. She said she just like to catch up on emails there. There were also so other lies like the time she said she was going to babysit for a coworker but it turned out she spent the day riding on the back of his motorcycle.

D-day for whatever reason I decided to check her email accounts. We have always been open to looking at each other stuff as we never had anything to hide. There it was a love note from her to him about how great she felt when she was with him....a connection like she has never felt before. It also stated how awful she felt for cheating on me and she didn't know what to do. His reply was he really liked her from the first time the met and knew she was married which wasn't the best but wanted to see where it would go.

I found out that all the trips the coffee shop the would talk about work and then get in his car and make out before work. She promised me that it was as far as the physical part went. I even met the guy before D-day as we were having some boat trouble and my wife invited him out to check it out. Of course he wasn't nice to me at all and now I know why. He isn't attractive at all as a big belly and the personality of a gnat not to mention old. After that interaction my wife and I got into the truck and she told me I had nothing to worry about....I guess that was another lie.

Where we are now.....After D-day she promised to end it with him. She tried for about a day and then said it that she couldn't let go of the connection with him as it was too strong. She is now asking to end our marriage. She moved out and is staying with a friend. She came back a couple of times the first week to visit with our dogs but had me leave the house. The last two times she came to visit the dogs she let me stay. However she is acting rather cold. She has placed all the blame on me for this happening. She said she hasn't been happy for years however she didn't know that until she met this guy. She keeps saying that she lost herself as a person and needs to find herself again. Whatever that means. I really feel that Im not really to blame. I haven't changed....Im the same man she married. If there is any good news, she hasn't filed anything yet nor do I think she has looked into it at all. She did ask me if I had looked for another place to stay yet. My response was I didn't think it had come to that yet. I believe she is in a state of limerence. At first I tried to beg and plea for her to work it out with me. Now I known that won't work. I wish I had more contact with her. But when she does come by to see the dogs I now just remain calm and just have small talk.

What should I do? I love her so much and I really want to work this out. I'm afraid she has rewrote our history in her head. It is possible to just wait her out and hope it doesn't last all that long? Currently I am just giving her space and leaving her alone (other than the normal money talks of our house hold.) She isn't open to any type of professional help. I am also sure she is still seeing the other guy.

We had so many talks over the years how we could never cheat on each other and how it was so wrong. She never thought she could do this. I truly believe she does feel terrible about all of this....but not enough to make things right.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 5:20 PM, December 7th (Thursday)]

Missinghertoo

Im so sorry that you have found yourself in this horrible situation...but you have found the best place to get lots of good sound advice.

Standard advice is to read read read go to the Healing Library in the yellow box top left and read what others have gone through. whilst every situation is different, the scenarios are often the same....the things they say, the things we feel, the way we all behave'

The one thing you must know is you are not to blame for this in any way...she is the one that decided to cheat on you and overstep boundaries...you have nothing to do with this, it is all on her.

Look after yourself...eat, drink water, sleep exercise. self care is vital to deal with this.

Whether this can be fixed or not depends...right now she is not showing any signs of remorse or wanting to do anything to do so. you cannot do it by yourself. You cannot fix this alone it takes two very all in committed people, and she isn't right now. My ex walked away and never looked back...we had no chance...yours might be different...there are lots of stories on here where people have fixed it.

There will be lots of others more experienced along to give you better advice than I can. for now you have been heard and are in the best place to get support....but I am sorry you are here.

I am sorry, but she is not the woman you married anymore. Time to pull a 180. And why is she coming to your home to visit the dogs? She chose to leave, so she needs to stay gone until she pulls her head out. Also, talk to a few lawyers and find out your options. You don't need to do anything right now, but find out how things would look for you if the worst case scenario plays out.

Thanks for the advice.

Right now I'm living by the motto "Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst".

The whole coming over to see the dogs thing does have me confused. Although I have notice the last two times she has come over to visit with the dogs as soon as she left she call him.

Very sorry to see you here with us.

First things first, you have to take care of you.

Some of the best advice here is that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. That means step back, detach, consult an attorney and whatever else you do -- don't play the 'pick me' game.

It is a fantasy bubble at this point, that has to be broken by telling people. Does the company they work for have a policy about bosses sleeping with married women? Tell the HR department. Tell the family, get some reality introduced into this escapist fantasy.

You said OM was twice divorced, but is he currently married? If he has someone is with, tell that person.

Find out what an attorney says about a separation agreement as well.

You can at least set things up to protect you if the infidelity continues.

I hate that you have to be here.

Why do you have to leave when she comes to see the dogs? Why are you looking for a new place to stay?

She screwed everything up and now you have to pay for it by uprooting yourself?

I encourage you to read up on the 180 in the healing library.

You are going through Hell right now. We all understand that. We also understand that you still love her.

I just want you to get a grasp that this isn't the woman you married. Of course she rewrote the martial history in her head. She never realized she wasn't happy? I can tell you don't buy into that either.

I've never woken up one day and "realized" I wasn't happy. I usually know right away.

Just gonna say it as gently as I can, but you need to see a lawyer and figure out your rights.

Even harder, file for D(ivorce). That's not something anyone wants to do. You don't have to follow through if she changes her tune.

The goal of this site is to get you out of infidelity. If she wants out, she can come along too. But I'm more concerned with you.

Wake her from the fog. Serve her divroce papers and get all her stuff out. When she sees you are not going to wait for her it may wake her up. Playing the pick me dance only shows a beta personality. The OM is pushing his alpha persona. Expose to their work.

Dude really? Whether you want to keep her or not inform their HR dept and her parents. If you can't do that you have no chance. Just go get a lawyer and file on her and tell her family why. This ain't rocket science. All you are doing now is making their bond grow stronger.

My opinion is she sees him as manly and you as,well, something much less.

What should I do? I love her so much and I really want to work this out. I'm afraid she has rewrote our history in her head. It is possible to just wait her out and hope it doesn't last all that long? Currently I am just giving her space and leaving her alone (other than the normal money talks of our house hold.) She isn't open to any type of professional help. I am also sure she is still seeing the other guy.

Sorry you had the need to find this online community. It's certainly not a place anyone ever thought they would need, but if you pay attention, you'll be so much better off. There is a deep well of knowledge and experience here at your disposal. Take what is useful and leave the rest.

You need to take control of your situation right away. Don't allow your WW to make decisions for you. As you've already discovered, the "pick me" dance will get you nothing but more pain and lower self esteem. It is often said that in order to save your marriage, you must be willing to lose it. That means that bold action is required right now. Start of by going to see an attorney as soon as possible so you can be informed about your rights and obligations. Forewarned is forearmed. In your case, I would file for divorce right away (even if you don't want to). The process can be stopped at any time, and I would suggest you only take that course of action if your WW fully commits to reconciliation and truth. Filing for divorce and having her served sends a clear signal that you do not tolerate infidelity and there are consequences for it. Sometimes it knocks cheaters back to reality, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't really matter either way because you will be in control of your fate.

Next, you should read up on the 180 (you'll find it in the healing library top left corner) and implement it to the best of your ability. You should do this not to punish your WW, but to begin to emotionally detach from her. That emotional detachment will help you clear your head and make better decisions. The sad truth is that you can not love someone enough to hold a marriage together by yourself. The sooner you acknowledge that you can't control her the better for you. The only way the marriage is saved is if both parties are 100% committed to R, and even then, it is a tough road. If that's not the case (as it appears) it may be better to cut your losses and start over. You are still young enough to find someone who will love you and only you. It is the least you deserve.

He's new in town and divorced? Isn't she living with him?

Hi MissingHer2. Very sorry you are here but you have come to the right place.

First this...

The whole coming over to see the dogs thing does have me confused.

Mission accomplished on her part. Coming over to see the dogs is a page out of the wayward playbook and sends a couple of messages. First is that she may be doing just enough to keep you from filing for divorce like confuse you. This keeps you as security for plan B in case if plan A does not work out. Also sort of sends a message that "hey in the long run we can still be friends right. This way I don't have to look like the bad guy."

Also speculating here but I think this makes sense... She has to tell you to leave when she sees the dogs because her boyfriend will only give the ok for her to see the dogs if you're not there. Her AP (affair partner) may suspect that she's keeping you around as plan B.

Unfortunately I don't think you have a lot of options here as your WW has clearly left the marriage. You could go nuclear and expose the A as affairs cannot survive in the light of day.

Your WW's behavior is that of an addict at this point and her AP is her supply. That is who you are now dealing with. Expose the A and start to show your WW consequences.

Normally I would say wait to R or D until the situation is assessed. But since your WW has clearly left in your case I think you should file for D and get the ball rolling. Show her that you are not sticking around to be her plan B. Knock her off that fence if she's doing a bit of fence sitting here.

Also, gently and respectfully, get yourself tested for STDs. This is for your health. Too many times people come through here to find out they have something later. This should be a mandatory step for you.

You also need to start limiting your conversations with your WW about finances only. Start pushing on getting debt paid, get your own checking account and start separating finances. You don't want to be stuck holding any unnecessary bills at the end. With that, read up on the 180 and start using it right away. I will include some links here to help get you started.

You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can start to use it now. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target threads here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Very sorry you are here MisingHer2. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you

yop

Why do you have to leave when she comes to see the dogs? Why are you looking for a new place to stay?

She screwed everything up and now you have to pay for it by uprooting yourself?

She wanted me to leave the first couple of times....since then she has been fine with me being at the house. I stay strong while she is here. Yesterdays visit was a little odd though....it was just small talk and that was about it.

I know she is still lying to me though and not being 100% truthful. But I can't call her in it. She told me that is one of the reason she didn't think the marriage was fixable is because she doesn't think I could ever trust her again. All of this lying is just so out of character. I really thought our 11 years together we had a lot trust and openness in our relationship.

As far as looking for another place to live; thats not gonna happen until the divorce is final (if that is the way this goes) I pretty much told her Im not going anywhere. She makes 3 times the money that I make. Unfortunately that set her up for not having to worry about money issues.

Like most enlightened 21st century males you're handling this WAY too passive and if you continue then she's gone forever. You have to be strong, show strength, and be the leader of your household. The sit and wait approach doesn't work. She's disrespecting you HUGE and you're doing what about that?

Have her served with divorce papers and that could snap her out of it. Stop being a doormat or she's lost forever.

He's new in town and divorced? Isn't she living with him?

Yes he is new in town and was divorced a couple of years ago. She very well could be living with him...IDK.....but I do know I can't trust anything she says at the moment.

I do plan to consult a lawyer very soon as I need to know what my options are and what I would be entitled to.

I gave up my career path when we moved to a new state for her professional advancement. Had we stayed where we were I would be in a better position.

Where you lived didn't matter. If she has shitty boundaries with men, and she does, then this would happen anywhere. Where you went wrong was she was basically dating this coworker in front of your face and you did nothing about it.

My GF is the sweetest girl in the world and I love her with all my heart. With that said, if I was going out with a female coworker alone as much as your wife was, my sweet GF would probably cut my nads off. She would not tolerate that nor would I.

Have you even gotten angry at her about this?

To me if they have to decide betweene and the AP. Telling me they need time or can't tells me everything. For me I would have to walk away and never look back. Telling me they can't or needs time to think means I'm still not important enough. I'm sorry that's how things are going for you. Almost as bad as what mine has done.

Have you even gotten angry at her about this?

Oh yes, I got angry about this. I saw the whole thing coming for the beginning and tried to stop it. My gut was just telling me something wasn't right and I even talked to her about it. She knew that I was concerned. I wish I would have taken more drastic actions sooner. I honestly believed she got Hoodwinked. He was telling her everything she wanted to hear professionally and that was his in. I know she also played her part in the affair. Im sure she thought it was ok at first....just a normal professional relationship. However once the line was crossed she didn't know how to get out and got sucked all the way in.

Anytime in the past when she has had male coworkers come on to her she always told me right away and how creepy it was. I had full trust in her to make the right choices. For whatever reason that didn't happen this time. I believe he knew exactly what he was doing from the start.

I certainly know if she continues down this path it is going to end very badly for her. Nothing good can come from this. I care for her so much I don't want to see her get hurt. However she may have to learn the hard way. I can't let her bring me down with her.

Texashunter41,

I am sorry you are going through this too! My head says what the hell am I doing, I need to end this. My heart is saying it's not ready to let go. Although I feel I am in a better place at this time than I was last week. Hopefully as time passes everything will come into focus.

she obviously sent out signals and swooned at him every time they connected

she has treated you like a stray dog shooing you away

hard to come back from that treatment if shes gone hard to offer herself to this guy you have to go hard to not be disrespected like this and get the legal avenue going

Missingher2:

I feel you, I wish I was in some what of a better place. I find for every step forward I take 20 back..the cycle is killing me.