The fact that I'm insufficiently fearful is what allows me to be capable of compartmentalizing. And the fact that I'm CAPABLE of compartmentalizing IS THE MONSTER. I can't honestly say I understand. But I am DEFINITELY going to write that down in big bold letter in my IC notebook and raise that at my IC appointment tomorrow. I want to understand what it means. If that's the monster, I need to understand it and figure out how to kill it.
You were insufficiently fearful of losing your marriage because you had compartmentalized the most likely consequences of your actions (forfeiture of the marriage). IOW, the very likely consequence of becoming divorced due to your betrayal didn't factor into your decision-making process. You had hidden that data from yourself, even though it was clearly a huge risk. You made many, many choices along the way which didn't factor in the possibility (or even likelihood) of those particular consequences.
It's typical for people to consider consequences as part of the decision-making process. If, say for example, I decide to build a fence... am I sure I know my property lines? If I don't, my neighbor might sue me. Am I sure that the materials I choose will suit my purposes? If they don't, my fence will fall over. Making decisions involves consideration of the possible consequences. But for you, the very real possibility that you would lose your marriage, your family dynamic, the respect of important people in your life, even your health and your wife's health weren't part of your decision-making process. You had boxed those things up.
Talk with your IC about how you can integrate this aspect of your personality into a more conscious thought pattern. IOW, how do you keep from dumping certain less palatable thoughts into the box so that you're not using them in your higher thought process for decision-making. You have to learn to keep all data running through the frontal cortex so that you're not hiding things from yourself as you make daily choices.
I've read this paragraph like 10 times, and I am having trouble understanding it. If you are willing and able, can you elaborate a little? Or give me a tangible example/scenario maybe?
Brains are kind of like organic computers. If you study information on PTSD in books like The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk or Rewire Your Anxious Brain by Pittman and Karle, what you'll find is that our emotional brain, the amygdala, is only very loosely connected to our higher functioning prefrontal cortex. So, under stress, the amygdala gives us basically "fight, flight, or freeze". The hippocampus then retrieves memories which might apply to our circumstances, and the prefrontal cortex makes decision/judgment about the situation.
Compartmentalization is widely accepted as an anxiety mechanism... and here's where I'm going to extrapolate a bit from what I've read... I believe that we sometimes hide rather obvious information from ourselves in order to circumvent our amygdala and avoid its stress signals. I think some of us do that because we want what we want in the moment and it's become something of a habit to bypass the stress response. Bypassing the stress response fails to engage the hippocampus which would otherwise inform us of the possible consequences of our actions, hence engagement of the prefrontal cortex without all the relevant factors.
Bear in mind that this is speculation, but I believe we can retrain the brain NOT to compartmentalize by learning to refrain from circumventing the decision-making process. IOW, "we want what we want when we want it" needs to be brought into conscious thought (with our feelings processed by the amygdala), pertinent memories retrieved from the hippocampus, and accurate judgment made by the prefrontal cortex before action is taken. We need to ask ourselves in that moment of "wanting" what it's all really about. Why do we "want" that? Why do we want it right now? What feelings are we trying to avoid?
So, in therapy, you get down to brass tacks about what you were feeling before you decided to take action. What feelings precipitated your desire to commit adultery or to tell a lie in each instance? Then, how can you allow those feelings to process naturally through the brain without compartmentalizing and making poor choices?
I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. There's so much more that goes into brain function than just those basics. We're human animals, and in some aspects we're not only at the mercy of our body's biology (ie. are we creating and utilizing neurotransmitters effectively?), but also of our nurturing as children (what memories are available to the hippocampus to draw on?)
I do fervently believe though that if we desire it strongly enough, we CAN retrain our brains and make better use of our "organic computer".
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:56 AM, August 18th (Friday)]
