SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TRUTHSETMEFREE: thank you. I'm trying not to look for external validation here. But I do feel I need encouragement and hope. So thank you.

Some people have said psychiatrist, some have said psychologist...I don't really know the difference -- my wife just said: a psychiatrist can prescribe meds and that's the main difference (?)

I am seeing a psychologist twice a week now and will for the foreseeable future. It's clear to me now that the quest is far more than "why did I cheat and how can get certain I won't do it again?" It's how can I feel, think, talk, behave and choose with humility, honesty and authenticity. And how can I be the man my wife and kids deserve. I've always thought I was. But what I think doesn't mean shit. My choices are far more telling.

And it's not that I don't know or recognize these principles. My wife and I have attended The Landmark Forum together. But I've completely disregarded all of the concepts I learned there.

In the meantime, I've articulated on paper this morning what all this means in terms of things I can do specifically to start to change. I'll post it later. Right now I have to go attene to the family.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 11:10 AM, August 12th (Saturday)]

Your greatest source of information on healing is your BS. Put aside yourself, and your feelings and really think about things she's been telling you for years, literally anything she has said more then say five times. Those are the things that impact your marriage deeply.

Since you are accustomed to pushing them aside, arguing her points etc. leave your feelings out of the process. Look at what she is saying and how it applies to your actions.

And how can I be the man my wife and kids deserve. I've always thought I was.

Is this really the truth? You always thought you were the man your wife deserves...while you were having sex with a stripper? Were you thinking you were a good husband while with your AM hook ups? Or when you were taking your families money and giving it to your girlfriend? This is where there is a disconnect. So we can assume you were not thinking you were being the good family man during your infidelities.

So what were you telling yourself during these moments? What were you saying to yourself that gave you permission to do these things?

[This message edited by sassylee at 11:58 AM, August 12th (Saturday)]

You say you need hope and encouragement. You don't deserve it. I'm sorry, but you don't. You don't deserve assurances "that with the right amount of work you can restore your marriage" because there are none, especially when we consider what you did to your family. Stop treating this like a work task you show progress on and start surrendering to the fact that you may have fucked this relationship up completely and irreparably. Start there.

At the end of the day, you don't like who you really are. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by making changes so you can look in the mirror and sleeping well. If you are fortunate, your marriage will survive and if not, your life will go on.

Everyone has a line, that once crossed, it's over. When I left my marriage, that man could have moved heaven and earth and it would not have been enough. It took me being away for almost two years to even get in touch with my rage about all the shit he did to me and once I did there was no coming back from it.

Self improvement is good regardless of the outcome. You need to let go of the outcome of your infidelity. The only person you can control is yourself, you wife is a grown woman who can and will decide what she can or can not live with.

I don't buy into the "act" for several reasons. Can't con a con. A four year old knows it's wrong to lie, steal and hit. Your life on many levels was a lie on so many levels. You hoarded money to buy things that benefit only you, like the drum set, which at the end of the day don't benefit you because its stuff you bought for a feel good.

Just Stop.

Stop acting like you don't know what's up, because you do.

I agree with what has already been said. I've struggled with it myself, but have come to realize that you have to let go of the focus on controlling the outcome. It is not an easy task but it is actually critical. It really drove me nuts because I didn't want to lose my family, I wanted to ensure that they would stay, but I can't do that. All I can do is focus on figuring out why I made selfish choices, how I can make sure I won't ever let it happen again, and work each day to be a better person. Then by demonstrating that it will be up to my BS to decide whether that is enough for her. Hopefully it is but my focus can't and won't be on convincing her it is on doing the work to make fundamental changes in the way I think which changes the actions I take.

husband999 - that's it right there. It took my WS some time to realize this too. Think about how very selfish it is to not want to lose your family rather than to make them healthy and to help them heal. These two things are diametrically opposed. The way you help them heal is to change...to understand how your behavior happened and how you could do this to them so you can be sure to never ever do it again. And never doing it again is really helpful to you as a WS because it could not have felt good to be in a place where it was okay to betray everyone.

this

At the end of the day, you don't like who you really are. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by making changes so you can look in the mirror and sleeping well. If you are fortunate, your marriage will survive and if not, your life will go on.

Everyone has a line, that once crossed, it's over. When I left my marriage, that man could have moved heaven and earth and it would not have been enough. It took me being away for almost two years to even get in touch with my rage about all the shit he did to me and once I did there was no coming back from it.

Self improvement is good regardless of the outcome. You need to let go of the outcome of your infidelity. The only person you can control is yourself, you wife is a grown woman who can and will decide what she can or can not live with.

I don't buy into the "act" for several reasons. Can't con a con. A four year old knows it's wrong to lie, steal and hit. Your life on many levels was a lie on so many levels. You hoarded money to buy things that benefit only you, like the drum set, which at the end of the day don't benefit you because its stuff you bought for a feel good.

Just Stop.

Stop acting like you don't know what's up, because you do.

is perfect......and quoted so it has to be read again

words are meaningless when said strictly to "convince" the BW reading how great and good intentions are...and yet...the actions say otherwise.

...words are meaningless when said strictly to "convince" the BW reading how great and good intentions are...and yet...the actions say otherwise.

I have to be honest and say I've NEVER seen the advantage for a BS to have their WS posting here on Wayward. The WS knows perfectly WELL that the BS is going to read everything they write and I think it would be terribly naive to actually think the WS isn't using that to their advantage. It ain't rocket science.

I haven't posted in awhile. This isn't out of frustration or "giving up". I've just been in a state of turmoil and trying to do what's right by my BW. I've also been reading a ton of SI threads that my wife has recommended. I think some of you have been corresponding with her via her thread on JFO or one of the other forums. She has read a few posts on this thread, and has commented once (HellenKeller). She told me last weekend that she isn't going to read this thread anymore, because she's concerned that some of you may view anything I post as "acting" or "grandstanding" or whatever because she is reading. So as far as the two of us are concerned, she isn't reading this and so I'm not writing any of this to impress her.

Also: I've been told by her and by some of you that what and how I write here is just to "protect my image". I don't feel like I've been doing that. I feel like I've been being sincere. I'm a fairly effective writer, so I think that sometimes comes off as "too good" or "fake". I dunno. I can't help that. All I can do is to say that I am earnestly here to try to understand what's wrong with me, what the hell allowed me to be okay with making the choices I made and doing the things I did, and how I can make sure I don't do them again. And most importantly, how I MUST be with my wife (how I can be safe for her and help her) so that reconciliation has a shot.

I want to share some of the things that have happened over the past week, some 'revelations' I guess you could call them, some things I've been (still am?) stuck on, the things I've been doing and the things I am planning to do. Not for your approval or validation or for any "atta boys". I just feel like I can't get meaningful support/advice unless I do this with authenticity. My BW says she wants to see acknowledgement, understanding, repentance, and demonstrable change, before she can even begin to take me seriously about R. So this post is all about acknowledgement.

I have shared some of the mistakes I have made since D-Day (Monday July 17) already, and it's only in retrospect, through conversation with my BW, and through the 2x4's I've gotten here that I'm starting to understand why they were mistakes and how big they were. I'm talking about:

1. Continued contact with OP's (plural) after D-Day. That lasted for a few days, but there has been NC from me to them since 7/19 (maybe 7/20...can't remember). My "main" OP contacted me on my work email on 7/26. I replied only to say I can't be in contact with her, and I shared that email thread proactively with my BW immediately. OP actually emailed me again at work yesterday; I haven't replied and I won't, and I forwarded it to my wife so she is aware. I was in contact with another OP via phone for a few days -- at that stage I considered her "just a friend" and her insight was good "support for me". Now I see that was selfish and stupid and wanton disregard for my wife. Any contact with any of these OP's was selfish extensions of my EA and continued acts of betrayal, plain and simple. I see that now. In any case, all contact has ceased, and I am not looking for any more. Frankly, the thought of it nauseates me now. I am actually consciously trying to foment hatred for these people; to regard them as threats to my marriage and my family and to my wife's mental health.

2. my choice to go to Atlantic City for a work conference less than two weeks after D-Day. A major example of my lack of understanding of the gravity of the circumstances, of the severity of the devastation and hurt I've caused my BS, of fear for the fact that my marriage may be over. Selfish, self-centered, entitled. The opposite of humility and empathy.

3. my behavior while I was in Atlantic City. I didn't go to a strip club. I didn't flirt of have sex with anyone. Congratulations to me! I though I thought I was being "good" from my selfish perspective. I even proudly texted my BW at 4am to tell her how good I was being. So f##king stupid and selfish and callous. I wanted to go on my merry way and drink and have fun with my friends. So I did. Disregarded my BW's hurt and anger and fear. Selfish. Entitled. Asshole.

4. my taking out $2,000 for the AC trip. Did I plan on gambling away $2,000? No. Did I plan on using it for strippers and hookers and blow? No. Did I return with $1,448? Yes. Why did I take out that much? I have no f##cking idea, other than because I wanted to. Does it reek of dishonesty, impropriety, ill-intent. Of course it does. And how does that make my BW feel? Unsafe! De-prioritized! Lied to! Did I care about that? Nope. I just did what I wanted. Selfish. Entitled. Irresponsible. Reckless.

5. the golf outing on Friday August 5, where I put my phone in my golf bag and was 'off the grid' for 6 or 7 hours and then I opted to stay for the banquet dinner. Again, I thought I was being "good". Did I think about how "going dark" would affect my wife? Nope. Once again, I just did what I wanted with no regard for anyone else. Selfish. Entitled. Not humble. Not empathic.

6. The sale of my precious drum set. My BW and I agreed that I need to sell stuff and/or curtail expenses to pay back $5,000 during my cheating. I thought this was all about hitting that number. That was part of it. But (maybe more importantly) it was about (1) me showing that I understand the value of money and showing a shred of financial responsibility, (2) me sacrificing something important to me for the good of the family. So I made a good plan, showed it to her, for all the things I was going to do to get to $5k by the end of the year. We talked about it. I still didn't get it. I finally got it and listed the drums for sale on Craigslist. But damage done: more selfishness, more entitlement, more financial irresponsibility. No humility. No empathy. No remorse.

In some ways, I needed to make those mistakes these past few weeks, and make them quickly, so I can start to see what's broken about me. I am a deceitful liar and a reckless cheater, and I deliberately purchased many things in secret, and I brought a handgun into the house despite my BW's explicit direction not to. Bad Bad Bad. But all of that came out on D-Day and shortly after it. I trickle-truthed for sure for about a week but I "came clean" about EVERYTHING. Since then I was trying SUPER HARD to be "good". I haven't deceived. I have been completely transparent. I haven't bought anything ill-advised. I've been kind and doting and I have been keeping my panic and need for consolation out of her space (it took some time for me to get there). I've been seeing an IC twice per week. Those are the right things to do, and I've been trying so hard, and yet I STILL made these 6 big mistakes! And I didn't even know they were mistakes at the time I made them, which means I'm clueless. Why is that? What am I doing wrong? I am not humble, and I am not empathic, and I am not remorseful. THAT'S the problem.

So what has happened over the past week:

1. on Saturday we went as a family to a friend's BBQ. We had a good day. I did not have any alcohol. I was attentive to my wife and to my kids. Usually I would float around a party and get tipsy and goof around with friends, and more or less ignore my wife and kids. I was completely the opposite. and that is how I aim to be from now on.

2. on Sunday, we did a soup-to-nuts review of our financial accounts for the past 12 months. My BW mainly wanted to see if there were any other transactions that pointed to things I haven't told her. I got up at 5:30am on Sunday, downloaded all the data from our bank and AmEx, compiled spreadsheets to make it easy to review. I went through it to flag for her anything that I thought she would question. I wrote in explanations for nearly anything over $200. I clearly identified the Ashley Madison monthly fees and other charges. I clearly identified all cash and gifts and expenses related to any of my betrayals. I also flagged a couple of non-A related expenses that I had literally forgotten to mention to her (a couple of charitable donations, some business clothing). I calculated the total number of all money spent on the affairs. It was much more than $5,000. We went through it all. I was as transparent as I could be (some expenses I had no idea what they were and couldn't remember). The transactions painted a timeline and behavior of the affair. They generated questions, which I answered truthfully. In the end, I believe she was satisfied that the review didn't really reveal anything untold (because there wasn't anything), although the financial toll was more than even I realized. I was sickened by the whole thing. I broke down several times. We ended up going for a drive that afternoon. She was kind and affectionate. She acknowledged that the exercise was shitty and hard. She actually pulled over to the side of the road and rubbed my shoulder and said if there is even a remote chance at reconciliation, she is still in this. She said it would be okay. I don't know if she said that purely out of compassion, or if she really meant it. She said she loves me. I broke down into a sobbing mess. "what is wrong with me??" I hollered thru my sobs. "why the f#ck did I do this to you? I did this for nothing!!" and other assorted wails of sorrow. It was real. It was not an act. My abs were strained. I was quivering with shame and anger at myself. I think it was remorse, but who am I to judge?

3. BW started sleeping in the guest bedroom. She also said it would be good for me to spend a few days/nights away from home this week. She said she needed some space, and that she thought I could benefit from having some time alone to think. Being compassionate, she was clear to say that I wasn't being "kicked out". She slept with me on Sunday night since "we wouldn't see each other for a few days this week". So I did that. I packed up a bag and I've been in a hotel for the past 2 nights. I tried to find a reasonably priced hotel, because obviously, living it up at the Ritz wouldn't be right. I have kept in contact with BW, letting her know where I am, and I was back at my hotel room both evenings. I didn't do anything illicit. Haven't even had a drink. I didn't drink anything at a client event on Monday evening. In fact, I'm swearing off drinking for the time being so that there is nothing to impair my judgment.

So I've read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". I've re-read your posts here on this thread. I've talked to my wife and she has referred me to "CantSleepCantEat's" thread here on the WS forum as someone who she believes is trying and is starting to "get it". And of course I've spent some time in a shitty hotel with my own thoughts. My wife posted to CSCE's thread and one thing she said was that she wants to see authentic "acknowledgement, understanding, repentance, and demonstrable change". So right now, I'm working on acknowledgement and understanding. I wrote her today a long email on acknowledgement; I'll talk to her about it soon, but I felt I needed to write it so I could make sure I address everything I could.

Basically, I see now that not only do I need to NOT lie, cheat and spend money like a drunken sailor, but I need to BE an unselfish husband and father. I need to BE humble, unselfish and empathic. Not say humble and unselfish and empathic things. So here goes...acknowledgement. Understanding, repentance, and demonstrable change are in various stages of progress...more to come on these, but first things first: Acknowledgement...

I am a cheater, and I am a liar. This applies to both my infidelity and my irresponsibility with money; probably other things too, but these are the main ones. I broke extremely important promises to my wife. Intimate and emotional life promises. Promises that we built a life around.

I am deeply selfish, immature, and I have made horrible choices.

My wife trusted me, blindly, and she was loyal to me throughout, and I have shattered that trust and taken that love and loyalty for granted.

I had a spectrum of affairs both emotional and physical of various shapes and sizes and lengths. I told my main OP that I loved her. I can honestly say that I didn't mean it. I was lying to her too to get what I wanted. I sought these things affairs out, with forethought and planning, with intent to betray. These were not "slip ups". There were 10,000 little choices along the way to enable each betrayal, and never did I stop and make the right choice.

With the exception of the stripper (thankfully), all the sex I had was unprotected, which put my health at risk (at my choice), and more disgustingly, it put my wife's health and life at risk (unbeknownst to her). Complete and utter disregard for her and her health.

I chose to do all these horrible things; I knew they were wrong. I knew I was betraying my wife and breaking my promises. I knew if she found out, she would be hurt immeasurably. I don't think I ever thought that I could ruin our marriage or family, or that I was putting her health at risk. I don't know why; these seem like obvious, catastrophic consequences in retrospect. I couldn't have NOT known them, but for some reason I can not explain, I ignored them. Pick whatever word you want (monster?). I am a cheater and a liar. A monster. A bad husband and a bad father.

I have bought many things in secret, deliberately keeping them from my wife. Most things are stupid stuff I don't need in the $200-600 range. That of course doesn't excuse it. Some things were "big", though. The gun was a big purchase, and more importantly it was a direct violation of an explicit direction she gave me. I promised I wouldn't bring a gun into the house, but I did. A bunch of shit that isn't worth itemizing here for you all (I did for my BW). All of it was knowingly deceitful and financially reckless, and I chose to do it anyway. I am a liar and basically a thief too.

I also bought myself the drums, which I felt like I "got approval" from my BW for. It wasn't deceitful for that reason, but she felt manipulated, and they were still an expensive, unnecessary and irresponsible purchase. I also bought myself lots of fitness equipment which I never talked to her about. I just bought them. I guess I figured they would be in plain view and that was "good enough" in terms of not being deceitful, and I felt "entitled" to have these things because fitness is important to me. Selfish and entitled and irresponsible.

Perhaps as a result or symptom of all this deceit and betrayal, and perhaps not, I have also neglected other promises to her, over the past few years especially. I've gone to bed very late, and left myself with little energy on weekends to do family activities. I've been sullen and ornery and unwilling to engage with the kids and I shoot down family activities/day trips/etc. I've deprived her of sex. I don't know if that was because I was just exhausted, or because I was having sex with other people, or because I masturbated to porn, or all of the above, or something else. Doesn't matter; I did.

While the "why" is important for me to figure out, so I can make sure I change and never make these choices again, it doesn't really matter in terms of acknowledgement. That's not to say I won't work tirelessly to figure out why.

My wife told me yesterday that she is afraid of "the monster inside of me". The monster I am. She drew a parallel to drug addiction, and I think it is a good analogy. I am addicted to SOMETHING. Until I figure out what that something is, how can I be confident that I won't relapse? How can I know what the right "12 step" solution is? And if I can't know that...how can she feel safe from the monster?

But again, "why" doesn't matter when it comes to acknowledging what I did and what I am: I did all these things, with full knowledge they were wrong, and I just didn't care about the consequences.

And these things were a massive and extended betrayal of my promises to my wife, and I have hurt her to a level I can't even imagine (although I will try my best to understand and empathize). I am a bad husband and a bad father, and she is right to be afraid of me. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the hurt, and she doesn't deserve to have to live in fear of the monster. The kids don't deserve this.

I deceived her. I betrayed her and the family. I am a liar and a cheater. I cheated physically, I cheated sexually, and I cheated emotionally. I am selfish. I am irresponsible and reckless with money, with her trust, with her health and well-being. I disregarded catastrophic consequences with full knowledge. I am stupid. I am a bad husband. I am a bad father and role model. I am that person. I acknowledge this without condition or caveat. I made all these stupid, selfish, reckless choices, and I am responsible for the devastation they are now causing. And my wife is blameless; I am responsible for all of it.

(corrected typos)

[This message edited by mcw922 at 7:30 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

Welcome back MCW...had a long response that i just lost. I'm going to try to recreate it.

I don't want to nitpick or kick you when youre down and i think this is significant. Your use of "good" and "bad". I am operating on 2 hours sleep so I'm struggling to articulate this discomfort I'm having with your word choice. I've noticed it in your other posts. It feels parent/child - you're this rascally Dennis the Menace-type kid who kicks at the dirt with a charming "Awww shucks" and you're this naughty character that your wife needs to constantly keep in line. She's the adult who is expected to parent you instead of partner with.

It also paints a picture of you "behaving"...like there's this external set of rules. Adults don't behave - they do the right thing because its the right thing. Don't aim to be good - aim for authentic...honourable...moral. You want to identify your internal core of values...who you want to be. Not bad or good. Your wife can't be your moral compass. That will breed resentment.

I'm sorry MCW - I'm far too tired to be my usual comforting and soothing self lol - I'm hoping some SI members can expand on this with more clarity. That they sense the same dynamic I'm sensing and can articulate it so it helps...

[This message edited by sassylee at 5:35 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

^^^^^^This!

This is what I feel. This pat on the back you think you deserve after betraying your wife in the most heinous ways possible.

I'll be good suggests that you're doing it only for her, cause rat shucks, you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Otherwise, you wouldn't be good, would you?

Your six mistakes weren't mistakes. You didn't forget to take out the garbage. You acted as the selfish, entitled man you believe you are.

Your "addiction" is to yourself. Your pleasures, wife and family be damned.

And, move your stuff to the guest bedroom. Your wife gets the master bedroom. She earned it.

It feels parent/child - you're this rascally Dennis the Menace-type kid who kicks at the dirt with a charming "Awww shucks" and you're this naughty character that your wife needs to constantly keep in line. She's the adult who is expected to parent you instead of partner with.

Oh my gosh... Sassylee just read my mind. By the time I got to the bottom of your post, my first thought was that you're treating your wife like your mother, an authority figure to be hoodwinked and sneaked around. I think that's something you're going to want to discuss in detail with your IC to see where that's coming from.

In terms of "entitlement"... yeah, by the time you got it all written out, you appeared to be able to see it for yourself. Where does it come from? There's another issue to work out in IC. That doesn't just happen. It's formed in our childhood usually. Sometimes it's from too much validation; sometimes too little. EMDR might help get to the root of it because of the way it brings earlier associations to mind. Talk to your IC about various techniques to help you explore where/when this sense of entitlement developed.

In the meantime, your wife isn't your mom. She's not your boss. She's not a bully. She's your partner, a partner who inexplicably still loves you. So, as a method of bringing her to your consciousness as you make daily choices, try acting like she's standing right next to you all day. Mentally bounce things off her. At some points, you'll find things you really do want to talk to her about, so write them down as you go. Keep a little notebook in your pocket to jot them down in.

Spend some time and do some research on Intimacy, not just sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. Generally speaking, a lot of cheaters, having run around outside the marriage ostensibly looking for intimacy, are in actuality afraid of it.

You made a good decision to stay away from alcohol for the foreseeable future. Stick with that. And you did well changing your usual behavior and staying with your family at the BBQ, so kudos on that.

Try a copy of What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman for good communication tips and to assess your trust metric in other aspects of the relationship. That would be a good one for both of you to read actually. Pay close attention to "The Four Horseman". You can actually find an article about that online by typing it in with Gottman's name.

I chose to do all these horrible things; I knew they were wrong. I knew I was betraying my wife and breaking my promises. I knew if she found out, she would be hurt immeasurably. I don't think I ever thought that I could ruin our marriage or family, or that I was putting her health at risk. I don't know why; these seem like obvious, catastrophic consequences in retrospect. I couldn't have NOT known them, but for some reason I can not explain, I ignored them.

Your therapist will probably call this "compartmentalization". Here's what you need to know though... your BW still might end up divorcing you and this will be the reason why. Because THAT is "the monster". It's the fact that you're capable of doing that.

It's been pointed out to you before that you've been insufficiently fearful. I think maybe this is the reason why, compartmentalization. Talk with your IC about how you can integrate this aspect of your personality into a more conscious thought pattern. IOW, how do you keep from dumping certain less palatable thoughts into the box so that you're not using them in your higher thought process for decision-making. You have to learn to keep all data running through the frontal cortex so that you're not hiding things from yourself as you make daily choices.

Anyway, glad you updated. Hang in there. Work hard. You've got no guarantees, of course, but no matter what happens, you're bound to feel better about yourself when you feel more confident in your ability to make sound decisions.

Thanks ChamomileTea - that's exactly what i meant lol...

See MCW? Chamomile brought the wisdom with clarity and Greeneyedbluesy brought the fuzzy cuddles.

To sassylee: sorry you're exhausted. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I understand what you're saying I sure don't want to be that way. I don't want a mommy/troublesome-son relationship with my wife. I did begin scratching the surface of "the man I want to be" with my IC just this evening. I want to be a man of integrity, humility, empathy. My choices and actions are so far from that.

((fixed typo))

[This message edited by mcw922 at 7:19 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

Greeneyesbluezy:

This is what I feel. This pat on the back you think you deserve after betraying your wife in the most heinous ways possible.

I'll be good suggests that you're doing it only for her, cause rat shucks, you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Otherwise, you wouldn't be good, would you?

Your six mistakes weren't mistakes. You didn't forget to take out the garbage. You acted as the selfish, entitled man you believe you are.

Your "addiction" is to yourself. Your pleasures, wife and family be damned.

And, move your stuff to the guest bedroom. Your wife gets the master bedroom. She earned it.

I don't want a pat on the back.

"I'll be good"...I agree with you. But that's what I was thinking then. It is immature and reflects the "behaving" attitude which sassylee and chamomiletea are talking about. I will examine this in IC for sure.

My six mistakes...you're making my point: they were gross demonstrations of my selfishness and entitlement. I am not trying to minimize them or excuse them at all. Why am I only seeing this now and why didn't i get it before I did those things. That's what I am trying to figure out now. I want to be unselfish, humble and empathic man she needs and deserves but I am f#cking it up left and right.

I offered to take the guest bedroom on several occasions, and she said it was fine and went there herself. At her request I've spent the last two nights in a hotel. She explained that she was not "kicking me out" but that she needed space.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 6:05 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea,

Thank you for your comments. I am not ignoring them. But they are substantial and I need some time to absorb and process them and that likely won't happen tonight.

I got the same Mommy/son vibe from your post, TBH. I think you've gotten good advice here. It seems like (I'm suspecting this is common among WS) there's a serious lack of maturity that needs to be addressed immediately.

A person can be and have fun and still be a responsible adult.

I sent my BW an email yesterday. It detailed much of what I posted here yesterday. I went into more detail than she wanted about the A's. I swear that I didn't think I was telling her anything I hadn't already told her. The email was all about acknowledgment and taking ownership for what I have done.

I came home last night after my 2 nights away (she invited me back, said it was fine).

I was picking my son up from football practice and about to head home when I got a series of texts from my BW: She barely made it through the second paragraph of my email. She said (all via text) that the details in that email have now given her mind movies, which she wanted to avoid and that she won't forgive me for that. She said we will never have sex again. She said she wanted me out of the house because I am vile and disgusting. I said all I was trying to do was acknowledge and take responsibility, clearly and unequivocally for what I've done. She said "get out".

I came home and put the girls to bed. Was about to get my son down to bed and then pack to leave. Got a text from BW: "Actually, be there when I get home I can see what a disgusting thing I married".

So I stayed. We talked. Mostly I listened. It was absolutely brutal. She said she is seeing a lawyer on Friday and filing for divorce. I begged her to give this a chance. I said there are plenty of good things that we can rebuild around. Mostly though I was silent, on my knees, in shock and terror -- partially out of fear of what I am losing (selfish), but mostly out of remorse for what I have destroyed and the hurt and pain I have caused to her. I can't replay much of the conversation, because I am just numb.

We talked some more and I believe she calmed down a little.

At the end, she said she was going to see the lawyer to understand the particulars of mediation versus other options, but that she won't file before D-day + 90. (She came to this herself...none of it was my suggestion, other than me begging for her to give us a chance). She let me stay last night. I offered to sleep in the guest bedroom, but she said she wanted me to sleep in the bed with her, though she said she didn't know why.

We both xanaxed and ambiened ourselves to sleep.

I woke up this morning at 6am to get ready for work.

She came into the bathroom and said (I'm paraphrasing) "I want you to stay home today...call in sick and come back to bed". I immediately rescheduled a bunch of meetings and texted my boss and said I was sick and went back to bed with her.

I've been laying awake next to her for an our now as she is sleeping. I love this woman so much. She is beautiful always, but especially when she is sleeping. I lost it. Starting sobbing uncontrollably. Said "I am awful". She rubbed my arm and said "shhh it will be okay".

I've calmed down. I'm laying next to her. Her hand is on my arm. I am in a state of torment and misery right at this moment as I type, TOTALLY of my own doing. I am petrified: both of losing a perfect wife and a perfect family, as well as of this monster that I am. I am wondering "is this remorse"? I have no idea. Today is d-day (July 17) + 1 month. I am wondering "is this simply one of the bottoms of the roller coaster? Or is this the end?" I'm hoping the former but fearing the latter.

I want to do what's right. I won't push for anything. I won't seek consolation from her. I will do what she wants. But I love her. And I believe she still loves me. That love isn't enough, but I believe it's a starting point to rebuild. I am so sorry for what I've done and the hurt I have caused her. I have been trying so hard since D-day to do the right thing by her. I AM living with zero deceit and total transparency. I AM being attentive to her and the family. I AM TRYING to be humble, unselfish and empathic...but I have been failing on those, up until last Thursday (I think).

All I was doing with my email was trying to utterly acknowledge my disgusting choices and actions, with full honesty and without caveat, like she was asking for. I did that, but somehow it seems to have made things worse. But now we're laying together affectionately in bed. Confused and scared shitless and ashamed and remorseful. That's how I feel right now. Tears coming again. Gottta go for now.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 7:14 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

She said we can spend some time together today, but that she needs more sleep so I can't lay in bed snorting (I'm stuffy from crying). This likely means a hike together later.

So I just got out of bed and melted down again on the bathroom floor. I hope this is rock bottom. I hope this is remorse. I love her beyond words. I'm so sorry for what I've done and for the hurt and anguish I have caused her and for her suffering that will continue for a long long time. I am supremely selfish. I want to help her heal and I want to be the man she deserves. I will be if she chooses to give me a chance.

Please.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 6:48 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]