SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Save yourself future pain.

My friend tried to work it out after her first "boyfriend" (what she called the OM).

then finds out she has involvement with two different married men.

He said it hurt worse after finding out about two more.

He is filing for D.

Whatever you decide, hope she does not do this to you again.

Wish you some peace.

Have you spoken with OBS recently?

No, not in 10 days. She's moved back to Texas with her parents, and all the A details are out in the open now. Not much for us to cross-reference or share anymore.

Edited because I misread something and initially posted based on that misinterpretation. Sorry.

Are you sleeping and eating?

[This message edited by Forged1 at 12:57 PM, August 12th (Saturday)]

I think it's the OBS who is in Texas.

Yeah, that was my misinterpretation.

I think it's the OBS who is in Texas.

That's correct. Sorry, I could have been clearer.

You were clear enough. The error in interpretation was my own.

What's your focus in IC?

I'm glad you quit MC - mc fixes marriage problems - and since infidelity is a personal problem it really. Doesn't apply here - yet.

Are you still as determined to D as you first were when you joined here?

What's your focus in IC?

Hard to say. I've only done one session and right now I'm just... talking. Honestly, aside from you nice people, there's nobody to whom I speak 100% openly and freely about this shitty sequence of events in my life. Closest thing would be my parents, but they are of the "Let's stop dwelling on the negative. How about we talk about something else?" style. Otherwise, haven't truly confided in any friends on any real level, other than to say, "[WW] and I are going through some problems right now. It's bad."

Are you still as determined to D as you first were when you joined here?

"Determined" is a tough word. I think it's more that I can't see any other option. I can't see myself living with the kind of person who would treat me this cruelly. I can't see ever being happy with her. I can't see trusting her as a partner. I sure as hell can't see ever being intimate with her again. Regardless of how motivated she now is to piece things back together, I think she's already killed it.

One thing the IC wanted to talk more about in our next session is why I haven't really told anybody in my life about this. She asked, "Are you ashamed?" And I told her, no. I'm not ashamed that this happened to me. But I *would* be ashamed if people knew what WW did to me, and I still took her back.

While I defer to your therapist, confiding in your friends is an amazing recovery tool. Some will tell you things that you agree with and some will tell you things that you don't agree with. Just like here. But right now you need a support network.

I happen to agree with you that there isn't a reasonably pathway to reconciliation so from a recovery perspective I think you need to start planting your flag into what the next step in your life is. It can be a scary thing, but at the same time very liberating.

You are a great dude, you deserve the best, outside of a few poor relationship choices you've come very very far in this life of yours. You're going to put this experience behind you and be stronger for it. You are defined by who you are, not what has happened to you.

I'm not ashamed that this happened to me. But I *would* be ashamed if people knew what WW did to me, and I still took her back.

Why? Why would the opinions of others be important? Your marriage, your business - right?

You're not confiding in people close to you because you don't want to hear the "We told you so" statements that you know you'd hear because you have her a shot after the addiction stuff. I bet you lost friendships when you went ahead and married her because people didn't want to see you hurt, but you wouldn't listen.

And you stood there and said "Fine, fuck you, she's changed, she's better...we got this".

I guarantee you this. Tell people in your life and they'll back you leaving.

But you won't do that because you wobbled prior to marriage and she indicated that she could relapse if you didn't. You were her constant, her north star, her savior and she wasn't going to make it without you.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 2:54 PM, August 12th (Saturday)]

You're not confiding in people close to you because you don't want to hear the "We told you so" statements that you know you'd hear because you have her a shot after the addiction. stuff.

I get what you're saying but that's not true. The addiction and recovery process preceded our relationship, and none of our friends know it's even a part of her past. And nobody knows about the three instances of relapse over the course of our 13-year relationship. It's a secret that she keeps very closely-guarded, and I haven't shared it with anyone I know, either.

Okay.

Then tell them what's happened, and see what they tell you. You might be surprised at what you hear.

You're as sick as your secrets. We all are.

Then keep the addiction fully demarcated from her love affair for now. The important thing is that you open up (it's liberating and empowering) and that you increase your support network.

There are people in your life that love you and we're literally put on this earth to help you in times like this. Wouldn't you feel proud if one of your friends sought your counsel and support when they most needed it?

I get not wanting to tell people, and though it is helpful to mobilize your support base it's not strictly required. I think people here don't want you isolating yourself in this situation. So just be mindful that you aren't doing that, ok?

I only ever told a few key people in my life. No shouting from the rooftops, but then again D was a given and it made that process easier given WxW's personality. Ironically that reason is that's 180 degrees from your reason.... but if it works for us :)

Forged is spot on, Jello.

Concealing this is only serving to hurt one person and one person only:

YOU

And if they aren't supportive, you know they aren't worth keeping in your life.

Man, look. The affair is all about compartmentalization, cycles of deception, secret-keeping, lack of accountability, progressive addiction, relapse etc

You kept the addiction quiet. Multiple relapses. Your silence fixed nothing. Now there's this. And you're keeping that quiet too. You're walking back on your initial feeling of "Get out, I'm done" and now it's daily check-ins, shame if people know and you take her back and you're worried about her slipping back into her addiction.

Break the cycle. Switch it up. Get support from friends. Quit shielding her from the consequences of her actions. Start looking after YOURSELF first. All she's doing is making noise and you're quacking in return in true co-dependant fashion. You are enabling the living shit out of her.

This is her fourth relapse. Fourth. Except this time the drug is strange dick and sending selfies first thing in the morning to a guy she has over to bang when you're not around.

But now she needs you. Now she wants to be good. Do right. Get clean. Whatever. This is the relationship equivalent of jail talk.

A year. A year of your three year marriage was a complete falsehood.

Her. Fourth. Relapse. Which lasted a year.

Come on, man. This is it. This is the reality of what you're dealing with.

Start loving yourself, will you?

[This message edited by Forged1 at 4:55 PM, August 12th (Saturday)]

Thank you, Forged. I've read your post a few times and I agree with a lot of what you're saying. And don't get me wrong. I'm still furious with her and very, very pessimistic that this relationship can or should continue. I still see D as the inevitable outcome.

One thing about the WW's addiction: Perhaps it was a mistake to be so vague on what her addiction actually was. I think my lack of details gave some people the image of her slumped on the floor of a crack house, which wasn't my intention. So, since this is all anonymous and none of you actually know either of us, I'll just spill it.

Self-harm. She was a cutter in high school.

She disclosed that to me shortly after we started dating (Freshman year of college), but said it was in the past and that she had put that part of her life behind her. In the 13 years of our relationship, she ended up "relapsing" and cutting herself again on three occasions, the most recent being a few months ago.

I've taken your words to heart and I'm trying very hard not to enable or feed into her history of self-harm and cutting. I guess I'm having a problem figuring out how to be compassionate without being codependent.

Drugs or booze would have been easier to deal with. That sort of stuff would have been easier to deal with and be sort of more understandable than this.

While all substance abuse and addiction is essentially a form of self-harm, "cutting" is about control. It's a way of getting control over incredibly difficult feelings. But the person is basically "only" harming themselves. You bought into her addiction to cutting and "managed" it.

This time, she's not cutting herself anymore. With the A, she's taken the blade to you. For a year. A few months ago,she actively cut again and you found out;that sent your co-dependant management mode into overdrive, to the point where you probably couldn't focus on much else except that.

That was calculated. That was premeditated. That was viciously exploitative and deflective. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she did that.

I'm really very sorry, and I'm not trying to shame her here (she needs serious help, the poor thing) but you need to be out of this immediately. There will be a threat of suicide from her here yet. And I would be very surprised if there weren't previous threats of that nature or she's not put hands on you at least once before and you didn't report it.

This woman cut into her own flesh to knock you back on your heels, bend you to her will and to throw you off the scent.

She is perfectly capable of killing you. Ad you need to start getting that into your head.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 10:10 PM, August 12th (Saturday)]

Late to this but my question to OP is what exactly is keeping you in this marriage at this point after such a horrible betrayal ?

Move on. Better fish in the sea out there.

Listen to Forged