Hey Hurting,
First off: I don’t think you are a wimp. Afraid yes, but that’s to be expected. There is a lot at stake and it makes sense to tread carefully. But you really do need to tread…
Your letter is a lot like the words I suggest betrayed spouses use when dealing with infidelity. However, there are important differences… VERY important.
OK – Let’s start with the basic statement that you have realized that losing your wife and this marriage is not the worst outcome. You have been dealing with this situation since March and are still fighting the same battle. Imagine late December: What would be worse:
-Dealing with divorce or dealing with why she’s late from the office Christmas Party?
-Wondering if the settlement suggestion is fair or wondering if that bruise on her thigh is from OM?
-Wondering why you can’t stop thinking of her or wondering if her distant look is due to him?
I fully get it that you don’t WANT divorce, I fully get it that you WANT reconciliation. That’s why my advice is totally based on possibly creating the conditions that might lead to reconciliation… or divorce. It’s not really about what you WANT. It’s all about what you can get. It’s also a lot about what you do not want. What you do not want is to remain in infidelity. Only two ways to get that goal; divorce or reconcile. Only one way to reconcile and that’s if both commit to it and the affair is over. If that’s not on the table, then the only way out of infidelity is D.
Get it? The destination is NOT R or D – the destination is out of infidelity.
OK – The first major change I would make is to remove all drama. That includes NO LETTER. Tell her this face to face. Not sitting on the couch holding hands or with a somber tearful face. I’m not writing word-for-word what you should tell her. Use your own letter and the suggestions below to find your own words:
Tell her you realize that losing her is better than sharing her and while the affair is ongoing you are sharing her. You refuse to share. She is totally free to be with OM, pine for OM and date OM. But not as your wife. Until and unless she verbally and very clearly tells you that she wants the marriage and follows that through with accountable actions you are simply assuming the affair is ongoing and she has chosen to not be your wife. [It’s very important IMHO that she clearly states she wants to work on the marriage. A shrug, mumbling or a reluctant commitment doesn’t count. You are not forcing her – she is making a choice.]
You are moving on out of infidelity. That includes steps to terminate the marriage but it’s a process that takes time. But for now, you don’t hold her to any marital obligations, nor do you have any marital obligations to her. You tell her that you are too emotionally attached to the marriage to deal with the divorce directly, but will ask an attorney to ensure it’s done fairly. Tell her that for now no major financial commitment or decision about joint future activities should be made.
And then go make a sandwich. Or watch GOT. Or wax the car.
There really isn’t more to discuss.
The MAJOR difference in my approach and what you suggest is that you are not asking her for anything or enabling her to put a roadblock in your path. For example: you aren’t asking her for a divorce. You are TELLING her that she can remain in infidelity but YOU are leaving. She can decide to follow, but even if she does YOU are still leaving infidelity. YOU set the pace, YOU set the destination.
It’s no drama, matter of fact…
OK – so the accountable actions…
First, you need the truth. I personally don’t believe the only EA story. You don’t ask a married man to leave his family for a high-school fling. You both need to realize that the ONLY thing your marriage can’t recover from is what you don’t know. YOU need to feel safe. YOU need the truth.
Then you need accountability. Accountable for her time, who she meets, interactions with OM.
I personally think you need total NC. Yes… she needs to quit her job…
Once again think about how YOU will feel come December during the office Christmas Party. Or when she says she’s doing overtime. Or when she’s half an hour late home…
One thing you NEED to do. This basically isn’t optional… Is tell OMW. Tell her the truth as you know it: Your wife approached her husband and asked him to leave OMW for a relationship with her. You have reason to strongly suspect an affair. Since you don’t have a confession or proof then don’t say they are having an affair, but only what you know. Tell her that for YOU this indicates more but she should ask her husband what’s going on.
Nothing kills emotions faster than rejection…
Don’t tell your wife you are talking to OMW. Don’t warn her. Just do it.
Finally – Once you have that conversation with your wife she’s going to come out swinging:
“I had the affair because you weren’t attentive”
“I had the affair because you got fat”
“I had the affair because you blah blah blah”
No matter what she says your stock answer should be:
“I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, then this is something we could address in MC. But since you are committed to the affair there really isn’t any need to deal with this”
Same if she starts arguing over divorce issues:
“I am too emotionally attached to this marriage. Therefore, my attorney will deal with all these issues. Please don’t talk about details with me”.
Avoid arguments and confrontation. Your compass is set, your direction clear. You are getting out of infidelity and her only two options are to tag along willingly or remain behind.