SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HHIW,

Your plan is the start of a long pain filled road for you. Take the overwhelming majority of the advice you have been given and save yourself the grief.

2-I love you but I won't leave wife and 5 kids for you.

Of course he told her Door #2...he gets to continue to eat cake. Your wife will take whatever kibbles he is willing to give her. If fact, he is in better shape A wise because he no longer has to future fake running off into lala land with your wife.

I told her I loved her so much that I wanted her to be happy, and if that was not with me than so be it.

For every time and in every instance she has wrapped up this OM as a "friend", substitute the real word that should be used: Lover. He is her lover. She is his lover. She has taken a lover that she is not willing to give up.

Ice this affair by telling the other mans wife.

Piss your old lady off and then tell her to leave.

Stop be her plan B and stop sharing her.

You cannot nice your way out of this.

Chicks love confident men....stop being a man your old lady can walk over.

She won't like it but she has to respect it. She would do the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot.

Do you think she would put up with this shyt if you wanted to stay friends with some chick you wanted to be with instead of her?

And for god sakes stop crying in front of her. She knows you aren't going anywere so why should she stop!

Youcan fix this by making thhe affair as uncomfortable and inconvenient as possible by exposing it.

Sure it will piss her off...but at the end of the day this "pick me" dance won't work.

How in the hell do you know she wont do this again with someone else....and yet you want this women so bad...change your thinking and get her to chase you by having the confidence to let her go.

Have you heard about the "180"?

Thank you all for helping me. Here is what I plan to tell my wife.

Amber,

You have been in my life since November 6th 1997. Almost half of my life has been spent sharing it with you as my wife, my partner, my best friend, the mother of my children. We have seen and done so many incredible things together as husband and wife, mother and father, as best friends. We have built a home together for our family, for our children. We have traveled all across the country together, seeing beautiful things and making memories that will be in my mind forever. You have given me the ultimate gift of two beautiful daughters.

Recently you decided that what we have spent the last 20 years building was not your ideal. You decided that I was not your ideal. I told you to chase your ideal out of love and respect for you, your heart and soul. Out of respect for your happiness in life. When you and Aaron decided to not pursue your dreams, I thought I could deal with being Plan B. I thought I had the strength inside me for you to maintain your close friendship with him, to work with him and see him every day. I have found that I do not have that strength inside of myself. I hoped that you would see the pain and sorrow that your continued friendship and feelings for Aaron have caused me and continue to cause me. I hoped you would make a concious decision to end all of this on your own.

You have told me the following:

Aaron is my best friend, and I need him.

I find Aaron physically attractive.

I love Aaron.

I am in love with Aaron.

I believe that all of these things that you have stated should be reserved for your husband. They should be reserved for the man you committed your life to on July 1st 2000, in front of our family, friends and God.

Amber, you are an adult and you are free to do whatever you choose. I can not, nor do I wish to control you or your life. What I can control is myself and my life. I have chosen to take back my life and pursue my own happiness. In choosing my happiness, I have decided that I will not continue to be married to someone who continues to work with and communicate with the man they had an affair with. I have too much self respect to tolerate the cruelty and disrespect that these actions subject me to. You have made it very clear that you will not give up your life with Aaron. Your concern for Aaron and his family's happiness shows that you have compassion inside of you. You were able to find the courage to ask Aaron to leave his wife for you. I am now asking you to find the courage and compassion to leave me, and file for a divorce so you can end the pain and suffering you are causing me and our family. Please show the same respect for my heart and happiness as I did for yours.

Amber, please know that I want to continue to be a part of your life. I want to be great friends with you, not only for the sake of our children but because I think you are a hell of a person. You will be the standard I judge all my future friendships by, because you were the best friend I have ever known.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. I look forward to sharing the rest of my life with you by raising our daughters together, although it won't be the way I dreamed it would be, we will find a way to make it work. I will forever be indebted to you for what you have done for me. Although your affair with Aaron has caused me great pain and heartache, once again, you have made me a stronger person, a better person. I will be a better father to our daughters. Please know that I have only the best hopes and dreams for you moving forward in your life.

Yours for always and forever,

Jason

To be honest I liked it up until the end where you kind of give her an easy out telling her you'll always be her bestie no matter how badly she treated you.

Is divorce your goal now? Earlier you wanted to save it. Also, asking her to file is too passive. It was great where you wrote you can't stay in a marriage with a spouse who is staying connected to someone she cheated on you with. That was awesome! Instead of asking her to file and putting you out of your misery (kind of pathetic), this part has to be written based on your intentions.

If you want to stay married to her then after you say you won't stay in a marriage with a wife like that then say she can change that with actions immediately, and not words.

If divorce is your goal then say YOU will be filing very soon, and do it.

I forget, is the OM's wife in the loop here? If not, she has to be informed that her husband cheated and is still connected to his AP. If that doesn't happen then you make yourself an accessory to her betrayal.

You're getting better but are still being so soft, so kind, so gentle. Where's your anger man? Get pissed off and do it now. That will give you strength.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 10:21 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

It was really good at the beginning, but man did it fall flat towards the end.

She is a really good person? She is the woman you will judge all other relationships by. I agree in a sense... in the sense that you will judge your future relationships by whether you see the horrible destructive traits that your WW displayed. If so, you will run for the hills.

I know it is recent for you... But, your WW is not a good person. She doesn't and probably didn't love you.

Love doesn't do these sorts of things.

You do deserve a woman who will ALWAYS Love you. Not someone who pretends to Love you until she finds a better source.

I wish you the best.

I agree with Cincy. A vast improvement.

But dont speculate on being friends going forward. I would never stand for a friend doing to me what she did to you.

At most vow to coparenting with her.

Also, if you are hellbent for her to file (not sure why, as others say it's better for you to file) that's fine but I'd also prefer you say that since she did not give you the consideration you deserve and at least ask for a divorce before cheating on you, that you will be taking the steps to end this marriage and get out from under her infidelity.

But other than that a great step toward happiness one way or another.

Watch for her reaction. If it's indignant you will know she's only in it for herself. If she starts showing an awareness of the pain she has inflicted and that you are feeling then maybe there's a chance.

Good luck

Ps you may want to edit the names out of your previous post and swap in "Mr Hurting" and "POSOM" for their names.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:47 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Up until this affair started, I couldn't have asked for a better person to have shared my life with, a better friend than she was. That is why I said that.

I would not ever send that letter. If things get ugly when it comes to custody of the kids, and yes things might get ugly, she'll use that letter against you.

As others pointed out everything up until the end where you say you'll be friends was OK. Just stop that... Also when she both refuses to give up the friendship AND refuses to file for divorce you need to be ready to file.

You are still gravitating toward passive 'wait and see' behavior. It will not work and it will not get you out of infidelity. Your wife's poor life decisions has put you in this mess BUT I am a firm believer in the concept that the only person responsible for getting you out of infidelity is you.

Let me say that again with some emphasis... THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBILE FOR GETTING YOURSELF OUT OF INFIDELITY IS YOU...

You script (with the excaption of the last part) is OK... get rid of the sap at the end. I also suggest that you do not put filing the responsibility for filing the divorce on her. You need to be responsible for that. Don't tell her you will file.

Instead give her a deadline... that you expect that she will have found new work, broken off all contact with the guy, open all devices, phones and email p, etc... tand take responsibility for fixing this mess. At the end of the deadline (immediate for no contact and open devices) say 30 days for work... If not done file and serve.

You are still trying to be a nice guy... while there is no need to be cruel or vindictive... STOP BEING A NICE GUY. This is now a business transaction... Treat it as an arms length transaction with someone who you know will stab you in the back of you are not careful.

Have you informed the other betrayed spouse yet? If not do so immediately.

Up until this affair started, I couldn't have asked for a better person to have shared my life with, a better friend than she was.

Then say that instead of how you put it in the letter and end it by saying you don't understand why things changed and are devastated that it did but at this point you see no other path than to move out her infidelity.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:57 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Your concern for Aaron and his family's happiness shows that you have compassion inside of you.

She has no compassion. Asking a man to leave his wife and children is cruel. Not compassionate. Being a part of breaking up marriages is not compassion. This is not some romance star-crossed lovers thing (like my husband likes to call it Nicholas Sparks bullshit). This is cheating, lying, manipulating, stealing. This is unacceptable behavior for married people. I am certain his wife will not think your wife is full of compassion. She will think all the horrible things that betrayed women think of the husband stealing OW.

She never should have crossed the line to developing feelings and a relationship with a married man. She never should have crossed the line and opened herself to being in a relationship with someone else while married. This isn't some the heart wants what the heart wants and be happy thing. This was intentional deception to drop you for someone better. She, because she was married never should have ever ever let her heart even go there. She doesn't care about your pain and suffering. She doesn't care about you or her children. She only cares about her and skipping off into the sunset with a man that didn't put in the years of hard work with your wife like you did. Where is your anger at the sacrifice you made over all these years. You stayed faithful. You gave her the best years of her life and she repays it by kicking you to the curb for a newer immature more exciting model. You need to be angry. Not understanding..

I am now asking you to find the courage and compassion to leave me, and file for a divorce so you can end the pain and suffering you are causing me and our family. Please show the same respect for my heart and happiness as I did for yours.

Amber, please know that I want to continue to be a part of your life. I want to be great friends with you, not only for the sake of our children but because I think you are a hell of a person.

Good people do not do what she has done and is doing. She is selfish. There isn't anything good about her right now. You don't ask her to do the right thing. You choose the right thing for you. The woman she is now is not the same woman you were married to. She isn't going to show you respect. She has done nothing but disrespect you. She will continue to walk all over you because you are allowing it and are willing to accept kibbles from her. The only line she will see in this letter and read is; I can stay with OM and my husband will still want to be friends and thinks I am a Hell of a person. I will have two men fighting over me and they both have no idea I am not worth fighting over. She will not choose because you negated everything you wrote by saying you wanted to remain great friends. You aren't willing to lose your wife and marriage. Your marriage is dead. It is already lost. This is not your wife. She is gone. She can change and come back. R is possible if she wants it. You need to kick out the poison first. You need to choose. She is too selfish to do the right thing. She already chose. It was the married OM. Take out the second half of your letter. It makes you appear weak and desperate. I am sorry, I know you are hurting and you sound like a really great nice guy any woman would care to have. Stop trying to win her. You deserve better. Tell her you made your choice and if she wants him... you are divorcing because you choose to not be her plan B. Just tell her she can't have you both. You need to stop feeling sorry and bad for her. See who she is now, not who she used to be. Use that if she chooses R, when you need to find your way to a new marriage.

I did this type of stuff for a month. My husband continued to walk all over me. Being the nice and understanding wife. Keeping everything a secret. Allowing the OW to talk about me. The loving nurturing woman that told him to follow his heart. The thing is he wasn't. He was just acting like a spoiled child that wanted ten cookies before dinner. He was just cake eating. Taking me for granted. Taking advantage of me. It took a very long time to get over the resentment for him and myself for allowing him to treat me like a "doormat mother" for that first month. He reached out to OW2 about OW1 and that was the end of "nicing" my husband out of his affair fog. Putting my "Bitch" boots on and kicking him out or me leaving was what got results.

Personally I think you just give your wife to much credit in your letter, especially the "always and forever" part. She just shit all over your marriage and family , she shouldn't get an easy out.

Definitely listen to lieshurt. She's right. This letter is ammunition if a divorce turns ugly.

I also have to ask again, where's your anger, man? I see zero anger in that letter. Your wife is still disrespecting you and treating you like a total doormat. You know why that is? Because you're being a total doormat. You could probably save this thing if you did a 180 today and got mad as hell at her. Stop telling her to run off and find her happiness. Tell her to fucking grow up and remember that she is your wife and mother to your children and that she needs to remember her vows and cut the shit. She's on the verge of becoming a laughable cliche unless she unfucks herself right this minute, goes to therapy, and fixes herself.

Get angry today or she's gone forever. If you refuse to be king of your castle then she'll find someone else who will be. Women NEVER respect weak men.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:10 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

There have been many letters like this written and almost everyone was thankfully not sent.

A short time from now you will think what a foolish amount of drivel it is.

Number one, your next wife will not even think of tolerating her as a friend. 2, a friend doesnt stab you in the back. 3, your wife is a lying cheat, 4 You're still in the denial stage and when you get into the anger stage you will feel like a fool . 5, what you're really doing is hoping to convince her to quit banging another man and the best outcome will actually be that she doesnt laugh in your face. 5, next you will make the ultimate mistake and leave instead of telling her to get out. 6, The biggest reason of all......she will lose even more respect for you. She already sees you as weak and easy....... not like the new love of her life who is a real man.........(to her).

You want a chance at saving this? Get a suit case out, demand she leave, and help her pack. The children stay with you.

How old are your kids?

Chappie's post is awesome! LISTEN TO IT. The only thing I'd tweak is I'd pack that suitcase and drive her to douche bag OM's house and drop her off. Let her, him, and his wife deal with it from there.

PLEASE, for your sake, find your anger NOW.

For the love of God DO NOT give her that letter. Trust us all when we tell you that you will regret it for-stinkin-ever.

And please tell the OBS. Tell her today. Please. Her journey will be as equally arduous as yours and she deserves to be on that healing path now.

Please listen to Chappie. Your letter just makes you look weak (which you aren't)!

She first told me in March, then told him in April. I've been through all the stages of sorrow, anger, wanting to hurt him and her. I've felt worthless, sad, happy, confused, ECT. I have come to this point where I want to be happy once again, with or without her. Looking back, when I was angry, I never want to be that person again. I even quit drinking, which I didn't do a lot of. But, when I would drink, going through this, my mind would wander and I knew I had to stop for myself. I am done with the anger and heartache, I just want to move on.