SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

bratwurst00, MC is the WORST thing you could do right now.

MC will try to preserve the M, pretty much at all costs, which means you will have to continue to eat the shit sandwich that she is feeding you, just for the sake of keeping the M.

That's total bullshit...file for D and have her served at work in front of her coworkers.

Tell family and friends of her activities, blow her world up completely...if she relents and wants to R then you now have the upper hand, if not then you know the D is the best route.

FIrstly, as others are saying MC is totally useless now. You are not even sure if you want to continue this marriage so why waste money on MC!

Secondly, what is the connection with Singapore ? Why Singapore ? Why not outer Mongolia etc ? Is your wife originally from Singapore ? Are either of you of Asian origin ? Singapore is one of the most expensive places in the world to live in - not too many poor people there. Quite different from Hong Kong, Malaysia, Taiwan, Taipei, Mainland China etc. When you say the guy is from SIngapore - is he a resident ? Or a westerner who works there ?

One final thought on the MC and I'll stop beating that dead horse.

Agreeing to MC is tantamount to admitting to your WW that you're willing to negotiate for R - while she is actively cheating. That gives her some measure of control in a situation that you should control completely. It's also incredibly weak.

For you, her immediate stoppage of contact with the OM or OM's should be non-negotiable. There's no need to discuss in counseling. It's just subjecting yourself to further humiliation.

You should not agree to MC while she's actively cheating; and even if she stops contact, you shouldn't agree to it while she remains remorseless.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:36 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

so we got into a small argument last night. She threatened to leave and i said go. She seemed to back off and decided to stay. Not sure exactly what this means, but i think that she wants to stay and is living in the world of rainbows and unicorns. Next step? I dont know. Any advice would be appreciated.

so we got into a small argument last night. She threatened to leave and i said go. She seemed to back off and decided to stay. Not sure exactly what this means, but i think that she wants to stay and is living in the world of rainbows and unicorns. Next step? I don't know. Any advice would be appreciated.

Yep divorce the unremorseful, cheater that you are currently M too. she's gone, she did this to end your M, thus your M is dead.

Why are you hanging on? For what purpose does it serve to have to live with some one who treats you like that, it would be emasculating to me and as such the bitch would be served like yesterday.

C'mon man being passive at this juncture gives your WW all the power. A small argument really, fuck I would go nuclear (' ') on anyone who treated me with the disrespect you're WW is shoving down your throat on a daily basis.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:02 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]

Brat

The fastest way out of this is to take control.

It's up to her whether she is going to wake up and realize the pain she has inflicted on you and the family.

But whether you are headed to R or D the steps are the same and you'll get results quickest if you are strong and again, in control. No more hoping she'll snap out of it. If you're family is worth it, take action to TRY and save it.

Here are the types of things you should be doing just to get her to a point where she is remorseful enough to even start working on R. You are no where near that point right now.

1) you should get a lawyer. Call tomorrow. Go interview a couple next week. When you settle on one find out your options. Tell them to draft D papers to be served at your notice

2) get in IC. If you are not already find one that specializes in infidelity

3) open your own bank account at another bank. Move half your joint money to it.

4) Contact the OBS. Don't tell WS you are going to talk to the OBS. It's none of their freakin business. You need to coordinate with OBS so you both know what is going on.

5) full on implementation of the 180 (read it in the Healing Library). Until she gets her head out of her ass you don't need to talk to her about anything but finances and kids (if you have kids). Again... SHE IS NOT YET REMORSEFUL so there is no reason to talk to her about anything else. If she is still in love with him and talking to him there is no way R can work so stick to the basics

6) STD TESTING. Did you get that done yet? If you know it was a PA make sure you are healthy and no sex with her until she proves he is healthy and NC.

7) Expose to close friends and family. You need support in this difficult time. Don't sell your close relationships short. You'd help them if they'd ask so give them the chance. "My WS has falling in love with someone else. Whether we R or D i hope I can count on you to be there when things get tough for us"

8) tell her to leave. That she can go be with the OM if that is what makes her happy. Kick her out if that is what it takes. You don't want to be with her if she is going to be pining away for someone else.

Tell her you are willing to purchase her a plane ticket to Singapore and when she returns, if she returns, you will have all the paperwork ready for her signature. Inform her that you will be able to replace her just as fast and easily as she replaced you. Give her something to think about. I wish you well.

i have offered this already. She has not said she would take it. She says that it is too hard for him to take time off work and they cant spend quality time together. She is in the fog of rainbows and unicorns. She will not end it with OM, so thanks to this great forums advice, i am getting stronger and taking one step of advice at a time. I am also implementing the 180 to the best of my ability. I just cant remember them all, so i read it everyday to make me stronger.

I posted four days ago and pointed out that you are not "suspicious" of an affair but rather you KNOW that she's having an affair - right in front of your face. It appears from your comments that it is out in the open and she is actively pursuing it.

Why in the world would you step back and "implement the 180?"

There are really only two steps that you should be taking right now...

1. Call an attorney

2. Respond to anything she says with, "Call my attorney."

Dude, I am very pro-reconciliation. I am often the first one reminding posters that a BS needs time to process what has happened and understand the steps to take. However, the thing I absolutely HATE in this world is a cheating spouse who does it out in the open and rubs it in the face of a husband/wife. Cheating is cruel. Rubbing it in the face of someone you loved and promised to honor makes you a seriously awful human being.

You need to step back and reconsider who she is and what she's actually doing to you.

Brat, I know this is so hard for you, you've got a lot of very strong advice that sounds terrifying to implement because it means saying goodbye to something that's been constant for 26 years of your life.

(Advance warning, I tend to make ridiculously long posts, apologies for that!)

Right now you are playing the pick me game - hoping that by being understanding of her affair it will run out of steam and she'll come back to her loving and supportive family unit. This honestly never ever ever works.

The thing is you clearly can't live the way you are doing now and you need something to change - you either need your wife to stop cheating or you need to be apart from your wife. The part where you mention not wanting to divorce because of your daughter is a terrible excuse to stay together and you know it. Your daughter would be far better served by two stable and loving divorced parents than married parents living on a knife edge because of infidelity.

Something we say a lot round here is that you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Just remember that when people are saying file for divorce - you can stop the process at any time. Calling an attorney doesn't mean your marriage is finished overnight.

Remember that we have a lot of experience and see a lot of similar situations time and time again, and unfortunately yours is a pretty common one. We always see that as long as she knows you're not going anywhere while she's trying her thing with OM then she's never going to break it off with him. Just read through some older threads to see this kind of thing come up. I remember in this one in particular you can tell something changes in the WS as soon as the BS takes control after months/years of being passive: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597339&HL=53906

On the other hand, we have seen a handful of BS file for divorce almost immediately, and their WS were knocked off the fence and begging for a second chance before the ink was even dry. There was an inspiring one where the BS saw a text her WS had sent to the OW saying "I can't wait to be inside you" and let him fly to the UK to find an empty hotel room while she was home arranging a divorce but I'm struggling to find it right now.

I promise you that the best way to take care of yourself right now is:

1 - Cancel that marriage counselling appointment. She's still actively in an affair and so has no intention of working on your marriage. The counsellor isn't going to be able to convince her to stop no matter how much you want them to.

2 - Keep at it with the 180. I know you said it's hard but just remember the main points are about proving to yourself that you're strong enough to live without her. It might not be what you expected to be doing at this point in your life but you can definitely survive it.

3 - Don't engage when she talks about her boyfriend. If she shows you more pictures just calmly say you're not interested in looking at them and keep doing whatever you were doing. Same if she tries talking about him. If she complains about your behaviour pushing her towards him at all then you say "I'm sorry you feel that way".

4 - Can you do an in house separation? If you have a spare room or sofa bed tell her it's hers now. Don't let her persuade you to do anything to keep up appearances for your daughter, your daughter knows something is up even if you think you're hiding it from her. Don't leave the house yourself though (as in don't start living with a friend or something), it can make things messy legally.

5 - Call an attorney. You can break this down into steps you're comfortable with. At first all you'll be wanting to do is find out what divorce looks like for you, you don't need to get papers drawn up at the first meeting. Next you can get the papers drawn up and have a good read of them before deciding whether to sign them or not. Don't tell your wife you're doing this, it will sound like a threat, and if you don't actually hand her divorce papers after seeing an attorney you will look weak. The first time your wife should know about this is when she has the papers in her hands ready to be signed.

But remember again - just because you have her served still doesn't mean it's over! You can cancel at any point! Hell, you can go through with it and remarry if things work out that way!

Sending strength, Brat. I hope some of this is useful.

Also, read Bigger's post on this page because it is amazing: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=609493&AP=81

On the other hand, we have seen a handful of BS file for divorce almost immediately, and their WS were knocked off the fence and begging for a second chance before the ink was even dry. There was an inspiring one where the BS saw a text her WS had sent to the OW saying "I can't wait to be inside you" and let him fly to the UK to find an empty hotel room while she was home arranging a divorce but I'm struggling to find it right now.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=595793

One thing i would like to do is gather more evidence. It is currently an EA. I am thinking to play the game for a couple of weeks to gather more evidence. I have accessed her phone and emails over the last couple of days and have taken screenshots. Is this good to confront her with at some point? to point out the lies she has been telling me?

@popit.

1. Need to play consistent while i play the game. Will keep MC appointment mostly for myself. will switch to IC after first meeting

2. Keeping with the 180

3. will not enage in convo about boyfriend. I think that is what she wants anyway. complete compartmentilization of our marriage and family in one and her rainbows and unicorn fantasy in another.

4. House seperation is not possible unless i sleep on the couch

5. Have looked into an attorney. There are so many and i dont know who to pick i have a small list of 2 but i will do some research and schedule an appointment

I am just so angry and hurt i cant think straight sometimes. I am tired of the lies, but she doesnt know i know she is lying. i have accesed emails and phone chats. Stuff i have overheard her saying to him.

Due to all the advice i get here, it makes me stronger and have a good objective approach instead of an emotional one.

You need zero more evidence.

What extra evidence would you be looking for? You know she's having an affair, she's not even trying to hide it. The lies she's telling you seem kind of inconsequential in the scheme of things, she told you he called her when actually she asked him to? So what? Why is she even talking to him at all?

Part of the point of the attorney is shock and awe. Your wife doesn't believe you'd go that far, show her that you're strong enough that you're prepared to move on without her and she'll gain a little bit of respect back for you. It might not be enough to save the marriage but it's a start.

I overheard her saying I wish i was in bed with you.

You need more evidence than that?

For what?

I know divorce is a legal process but irrefutable proof of infidelity doesn't matter in most states. You know enough from that statement alone.

I really do not understand how after hearing her say that you didn't walk right into the room and tell her you'd help her pack so she could get into that bed with him. She is openly having an A right in front of your face. You do not need more evidence. You need to shock her out of this. Get yourself an attorney now and file. Surely you know someone that has recently divorced. Ask them if their attorney did a good job. If they say the other attorney kicked the ass of theirs ask their ex-spouse who their attorney was. You can find a good one pretty quickly and get this rolling.

working on the attorney thing. Gonna ask some friends this weekend. I have dinner tommorrow with them and will see if they or some of their friends know some good ones.

working on the attorney thing. Gonna ask some friends this weekend. I have dinner tommorrow with them and will see if they or some of their friends know some good ones.

Just make sure they or their wives are not good friends with your WW also, as they may tip her off inadvertently which would then take away the shock for her when she is served and maybe beat you to the punch.

Also google is a great vehicle for finding top divorce attorneys in your area. Make sure you have a consult with all the best attorneys which then negates the opportunity for your wife to use them. An initial consult is normally free (15 min) so its just time spent from your side.

Sending strength my man

weird story tonight. We were trying to teach our daughter about lying tonight. My daughter pretended she was 13 to go to a science night, she is 11. Whe n my WS and I spoke to her about lying, my daughter felt very uncomfortable with it. Both of us explained to her about how lying is bad and you should be honest with family and friends. We also explained how if you get to caught up in lies, you may not even know the truth. Then i being an evil bastard decided to play mindfuck. I said you should be open and honest with your loved ones, your family and very close friends even if it hurts them. My WS response was its getting late, dont you have to go to lunch with your mom. OOOOh the mindfuck actually felt really good. i am still smiling ear to ear. Does this make me Dr Evil?

funny update. My WS wanted to spend time with me yesterday. He wanted to go have lunch with my mother which was not an uncommon thing, but she wanted to go and also wanted to get a couples massage. So confused, but yet she when im not around all she does is text and video chat with him.

Yes i read the 180, i also read the serenity prayer. Yes i am contacting a lawyer tomorrow,

I also just lost my dad recently about 6 weeks ago, i know i did not mention it., so one more thing to add fuel to the fire.

I feel so betrayed. so confused so angry, so distrustful, i dont know what i want, what she wants , whats best for my daughter. i just want the pain to end. I know it will take time but dam it sucks.

[This message edited by bratwurst00 at 8:39 PM, August 13th (Sunday)]