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I have a question to pose to you guys. Should I start texting the OM? Tell him about everything that goes on in the WS life? For example, i cooked dinner and the WS sent him pictures of dinner like she cooked it. I get so pissed when she does stuff like that. Another example is we went to get bubble tea and she sent him pics of the bubble that i wanted to get and that i paid for. Again i get so pissed. Please advise.

If you are divorcing her then I wouldn't do anything like that. Even if you do plan on staying together he will just get the thrill knowing he is getting to you. So in either case no.

Now if your plan is to lure him into a dark alley and beat him with in a inch of his life then I am all for it. :) Just kidding

C

I cannot for the life of me figure out why you are spending any time with this woman or doing anything for her. Cook her dinner? Take her out for tea? Why? Just stop. Now.

Hey brat, I know this is hard but I agree with beenthere above. If you're implementing the 180 you shouldn't be cooking her dinner, buying her bubble tea or going for couples massages together.

You say you're confused that she wanted to spend time with you, don't be. She can tell you're getting stronger and she's trying to keep you on the hook. The good news is that this means YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER.

Just remember to keep working on yourself and do things for you. Buy yourself a bubble tea, tell her her boyfriend can get hers for her. Turn down her offers to spend time together while she's still talking to her boyfriend.

And remember don't tell her about the lawyer's appointment. You want to seem like a man of action, if you tell her about the lawyer's appointment before anything comes of it then it'll just sound like an empty threat. The first you want her to know about it is when she has papers in her hands.

I don't know if you saw this thread that was posted earlier, but if you want a look at how quickly swift action can knock sense into a wayward then look no further than here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

yes i am getting stronger. I have spoken to some friends and some advice that they gave. I was just saying that its weird she wants to spend time. I have to cook for the kid too. that is why i cook dinner. I did not mean i specifically cook for her. Sorry i mispoke.

1. I told her i will not be a backup plan.

2. Seems like she wants to figure out what may be best for her. Not me or the kids.

3 rainbows and unicorns and fog is where she is at.

4. We have not decided what route we are going yet, but I cant put my foot down until i get my ducks lined up. Like all the advice here, I have work and protect myself first, i cant say divorce now, then she would get her lawyer. I need to buy some time to get all this done. I work full time too so its hard to schedule everything at once.

5. I told her last night i am ready for seperation and she was willing to move out, but again. I need to get my ducks lined up before i have her go. I cannot and will not let her beat me to the punch.

UPDATE. I just said hi to her this morning before leaving for work and she came over and gave me a hug and kiss. Talk about fucking with my brain. Yes i was shocked and still wanted to punch her in the face. Very strange.

Let her move out, you don't need her to file for divorce. The mind-fuckery will continue at your expense unless she commits to R or you D her. The hugs and kisses just keep you on a string. If she is willing to go, let her, save yourself some mental anguish.

I wish you would stop calling her foggy. She is willing to throw away her family (husband and kids) to move half way around the world, because some guy is texting her sweet nothings...You know how fucked up that sounds? Not even the foggiest of waywards would fall for that kind of stupid, they atleast need a dinner and a real fuck first.

Don't wait around for her. Give her big a push into the real world. Let her move out on her own and she can text bang her boyfriend silly. You will heal much faster with her somewhere else. Detach my friend.

She has told her all you need to know. You don't need more evidence, you need to protect you and your child.

Let her move out. See an attorney. Google best divorce attorneys in your area, pick a couple, meet with them. Pick one and have papers drawn up, serve her. Get STD tested, this may not be her first A.

I am currently eating crow until I get my lawyer and stuff together. I dont want her to know what i am doing. She continues to lie and I know they are lies because WS does not know what i know. I dont know how much longer i can keep it up the facade until my ducks get lined up. How did you guys cope with this while you are working on this stuff?. She has also threatened to leave and i so ok do you want me to help you pack, but she wont leave. At a loss right now?

Have you read THE 180 in the healing library here?

It should give you many of the tools you need to get thru this while you are working with the attorney.

She has also threatened to leave and i so ok do you want me to help you pack, but she wont leave.

And there it is. They never leave when you tell them to.

Why is she threatening to leave though? Are you guys arguing now? I'd been under the impression that things were relatively civil, she just couldn't stop messaging her boyfriend? What's the home situation like at the moment? What kind of things is she saying at the moment about her boyfriend and your marriage?

Did you keep the MC appointment? How did that go?

What's your timescale looking like for the lawyer?

This has turned into one of the strangest threads I've read.

Okay - you need to get your ducks in a row. I get that. In the meantime - that does NOT mean that you have to interact with her. You do not have to make her life easy. Do you know what the 180 is???

Why am I getting the sincere impression that you are continuing to be way too passive about setting down boundaries - maybe you're still clinging to hope that she's going to somehow come around? Is this the pick me dance in it's most clandestine form? Where does this other guy live? I am betting that it's not close. Do you know what that means? It means that she CAN'T leave the house because she'd have nowhere to go. And you're confusing that with her wanting to be with you. All she's doing is keeping you around until her white knight shows up to carry her off to munchkin land.

Dude, you need to look yourself in the mirror and come to an understanding about what is going on. She is ACTIVELY having an affair - right in front of your face. It's not a secret - she's told you.

Are you sharing a bed with her? If yes, why?

Are you paying her cell phone bill? Why? Internet bill? Why?

Does she have access to your accounts? Credit cards? Stop it - immediately.

You spoke a few days ago about making dinner for your kids - and her. Why would you do that? Make dinner for them and let her know that if she touches the food you made you'll pick up her plate and throw it in the street. Afraid to have it out in front of the kids? Use that as leverage! Let her know that if she continues to play "happy family" you'll paste what she's doing on your Facebook page. Make her sleep in another room. Have you told her parents? Her friends? Start making life difficult. It's called consequences - let her see what life is soon going to look like. In short, get tough, my man.

I understand that there are some instances where a husband/wife has to wait to get everything set up before they file. But, during that time, you don't have to be passive. You don't have to just sit there and let her continue to piss on you.

The next time she threatens to leave, tell her to go. When she refuses, walk upstairs with a Hefty bag and start tossing all her stuff in it. When she freaks out, let her know that you're doing both of you a favor - she gets to go to her boyfriend and you get rid of a cheating wife. So go! Right now! Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

BTW, these situations, from my experience reading here, often lead down a very ugly road. When you guys have to remain on top of each other we see a lot of false domestic violence claims. Be aware and keep a digital recorder on you. Yeah, I know - you're wife would never do that. Or would she?

I'm sorry to be so blunt - I know how hard this is for you. But I don't think I've seen a thread where the guy has just become totally complacent to a wife that's cheating right in front of his face. I have to tell you the truth - if I knew my wife was actively texting another guy... I'd grab the phone and put it in the toilet. Let a judge send me to jail for THAT (hint: ain't gonna happen).

Good luck - I hope you find your strength.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 4:33 PM, August 17th (Thursday)]

She says that it is too hard for him to take time off work and they cant spend quality time together.

Bet that is what the OM tells her. She is SO being scammed. He isn't who he says he is - and she is not his only "customer" - hence why he can't take time off of work.

I echo everyone's advice with regard to the hard 180, hefty bag her shit, and tell her to GTFO.

@lifeiscrazy

1. Yes i am implementing the 180

2. not clinging just hanging on until i meet with lawyer and examine my D options.

3. am sharing a bed but its the same as before she had the affair. she sleeps on one side and i sleep on the other. Cal king beds have plenty of room between each other

4 we have seperate accounts

5. dinner i guess is just a nice facade until i get my ducks lined up I dont want her to beat me to the punch on the lawyer

6 I have not told her parent yet.

7 I have offered to help her pack when she threatens to leave. We are not arguing as the 180 says not to get into that. She just gets pissed at me at comments i make from observations. For example. She said her hand hurts and i said thats probably from holding your phone so much. She assumed i meant because you are talking to your boyfriend. I was like no way, we all do so much on our phone like banking, videos, netflix etc. So she threatened to leave and i said ok lets pack. Instead she went pee and came back to bed pissed.

8. She is not saying anything about OM

9. we kept the MC appointment and she wants to continue. I think im a backup plan. It wont get there. Lawyer meeting today will examine options and update.

Thanks guys!!!!

I personally think you need to put a nail in this.

Tell her parents and everyone else. The more that know the better.

Don't sleep in the same bed. You cant force her out of bed but you can show her you wont sleep next to her.

Don't make meals together. Don't eat food she has prepared.

180 is all about detaching from her and preparing yourself for a life without her. It works both ways.

Don't offer anything when she threatens to leave. Just tell her the door is there any time she wants to go.

Don't go to anymore MC appts. Get into counseling for yourself.

Make plans to go do things without her.

The more you show her your moving on without her the more she will get it. We always say its about the actions of the WS. Its also about the actions of the BS's too. Start doing more and less talking.

C

1. Yes i am implementing the 180

No... you're really not. What you're doing is being passive-aggressive and allowing someone to walk all over you. Look, I get that I'm being a bit harsh - it's not because I don't care but rather because I've seen too many times here (including in my own case) how not setting down firm consequences does more than just prolong the inevitable. That is a given. But even worse is what it's going to do to you 5 or 10 years from now. You are going to look back on these days, more than likely with a new wife or girlfriend, and you're going to hate yourself for having acted this way.

am sharing a bed but its the same as before she had the affair. she sleeps on one side and i sleep on the other. Cal king beds have plenty of room between each other

So let me get this straight. She's in love with someone else, admits that she's in love with someone else - and yet, each and every night, she gets to come upstairs and sleep in a CALIFORNIA KING?? The very same bed that you and her shopped for as a married couple. Boy, THAT'S really setting down some consequences, huh?

How about this? Go upstairs first and LOCK the F'N DOOR. Let her feel what it's like to sleep on a couch a few nights in a row.

dinner i guess is just a nice facade until i get my ducks lined up I dont want her to beat me to the punch on the lawyer

So you're keeping up the "facade" - unlike her where there is NO facade at all - and she still gets to have dinner made??? Getting your ducks in a row is fine - but including her in ANY aspect of family life is incredibly disrespectful... TO YOURSELF! The way you act toward her doesn't have to be mean - but it should absolutely NOT be accommodating.

I have not told her parent yet.

Why the hell not??? You're about to file for divorce... and you're still keeping this a secret? Why are you protecting her?

we kept the MC appointment and she wants to continue.

Why in the world would you be going to a MC appointment with her??? Are you a masochist? Do you appreciate going to an appointment and having someone tell you how bad of a husband you are - while your wife is fucking someone else? MC is for people in a marriage - right now, you're in but she is out. Ergo, no marriage.

Personally, if my wife asked me to go to MC while in the middle of an affair I'd tell her to go stick MC up her ass.

Again - I'm being pretty blunt. But you MUST stand up for yourself. If she was showing even the slightest bit of effort toward reconciliation I could see your wanting to hang on to that sliver of hope. But what she is doing is flat out demeaning, some would say abusive.

Stand up for yourself and stop taking this from her. Set down a consequence. Tell her if you see her texting the guy one more time in front of you you're going to throw her phone in the toilet. Then do it.

For goodness sake, I get the "ducks in a row" thing - but you need to put your foot down.

I'm on your side, brother.

Met with lawyer today and he said to wait a little while. I told him the full story and he says in his experience over 100s of cases, he thinks we can work it out, but when it comes to a head, he will draft up papers for me quickly.

To be fair your lawyer doesn't know your wife and he also doesn't know the dynamics of the affair. It takes two fully committed people to work it out and right now your wife has it good, she gets to live in the house and communicate with her boyfriend while still enjoying the benefits of a man to look after the children and the general security it offers.

Waiting will not benefit you if the ultimate goal is getting back together with your wife or delaying divorce until some miracle happens.

Right now she's barrelling full steam towards firming up this new relationship and again, with the full benefits your union provides.

^this^

Don't take marital advice from your lawyer anymore than you should take law advice from your marriage counselor.

His advice will just keep you in limbo. Action leads to an outcome, idleness leads to limbo.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 1:16 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

Don't take marital advice from your lawyer anymore than you should take law advice from your marriage counselor.

His advice will just keep you in limbo. Action leads to an outcome, idleness leads to limbo.

Such good advice it bears repeating.

See at least 3 attorneys for consultation, try to use those with a strong reputation. Waiting will set you up for potentially more pain as she continues in the affair.