SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, without a doubt, to STD testing. Sadly, the people whe engage in As have shown us they have little sexual boundaries. This translates to high risk sex partners. I was infected by my own husband. So were many other BSs here on SI. Please, please, please get tested and do not have sex with him until he does.

Also, send phone records and the receipt for the necklace to her husband. Don't tell your WS bc he will warn AP and she will make up some story about how crazy jealous you are about an innocent gift. It isn't innocent. You know this in your gut. That should blow things up enough over there for some truths to start coming out.

And I agree that the polygraph is a waste. You know he is lying. But, I also agree it is a useful way to shut the conversation down about the "innocent" gift.

And, I am so sorry. I, too, dined with APs, had them in my home, shared stories. I will never understand how these women can look you in the eye, knowing what they did. But, they are out there, and they are just as despicable as our WS. Take some comfort in knowing that they are so pathetic, they accept the sloppy second crumbs thrown to them by a married man. They are the sickest of the pack, meagerly surviving on ego scraps. They are not strong enough to get any better than a lying, cheating, sloppy second. You are better, and you will get out of infidelity one way or another.

Certainly she can track him with VAR/GPS if she wants to so that she feels less crazy. But I think getting off the merry go round is the only way out of this madness. She'll find another smoking gun and he will come up with another outrageous lie. Enough.

And MOB, you know that if this really were some innocent misunderstanding, he would be acting totally differently. How would you act if someone accused you of something you didn't do? Not at all like this. Remember that he promised to cut ties with your "friend" but never did. Remember that his story changed when he was asked to swear on his kids' lives. He was fine with lying to your face before that. And next time you ask him to swear on your kids' lives, he'll probably have worked up the nerve to just go ahead and do that too.

@swmnbc

So when he says, "But I told you that the necklace was a harmless gift from all of us!" I would just say, "That is impossible to believe. You can take a polygraph if you want me to believe it wasn't a physical affair."

I would just say, "That is impossible to believe. You are full of shit." And I'd walk away, saving $500. That tactic worked quite well with both my XH and my current H. My "tactic" doesn't make them tell the truth any more than a polygraph does, but I knew when dramatic stupid stories were told, they were lies and no test was needed to "prove" it.

In my first M, he learned I would not listen to his bull shit lies and I sought a lawyer and filed for a D two days after the last D-day in that M.

You got excellent advice from swmnbc. Please read it several times. You do not need to put up with this.

He keeps showing you who he is.

The questions is..... when are you going to see.

When is enough enough?

He has no respect for you. He keeps lying. He keeps cheating.

You yell, scream, get upset and do nothing. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

(((MOB)))) Please ask yourself..... Is He Worth It?

Start to take care of YOU. At the very least get your ducks in a row and know your rights.

Wow, It's no wonder you feel tired. The lies are exhausting.... I think you are trying your best to reconcile but...he is not all in. I know you want to forget about your "friend" but she is not going away. My guess is that those accidental texts are not accidental. You need to tell her husband what is going on. You need to show him the 100 of texts between them, ask him about the ear rings, and about the neck lace. You need him to help you end this affair because they are not going to do it on their own. Do not tell your husband you are going to do this, do not try to blackmail your WH or the OW by saying you are going to do it.... Just do it.

I know you are not ready to get a divorce... the problem is that your WH knows that too. He is treating each incident like... oops you caught me again... Let's start our reconcile over.

I would hide a VAC in his car to see if he is still cheating (never reveal your sources). I would also tell him that you want all the information on OW in order to heal. That you are going to detach from him until he is ready to start telling you the whole truth. Then I would start a hard 180 and focus on just you and those 4 boys. You can give him a list of requirements too if you have not already. They should include full transparency, you can consider asking him to take a poly.... He needs to do something besides lying to make you feel safe and show that he wants the marriage.

After you have been doing a hard 180 for a few weeks you might feel comfortable enough to see a lawyer. The meeting will be about getting your ducks in a row. Finding out what your options are so you aren't as afraid of divorce if it comes to that.

Sweetie, you are married to a serial cheater. You know about 2 OW for sure and I would be willing to bet there are others you don't know about. Your boys have to know there is something wrong and he is being a horrible role model for his sons. I agree with the other posters that you need to see a lawyer and find out what you can expect should you decide to separate or divorce. Forget MC, he will just lie to the counselor anyway. Find a good IC for yourself. Get tested for STD's. I am so sorry you find yourself here and going through such pain.

You know her BH did not send that text about those pictures she managed to get to her BH phone to send that to cover their butts.

Sweetie these two are lying to you, please call her BH and ask him about the pics she sent and then tell him everything, today.

(mom)

I'm sorry. I can only imagine how exhausted you are. It is too difficult to live life where you have to flush out the lies and then CSI the plausibility of the explanations for the lies. You are working with a partner that is used to lying and withholding from you and doing exactly as he pleased.

He isn't dumb. He is sly as hell. And it is that characteristic that shows his true colors. I can't help but to think that he is colluding with that bitch to keep the truth from you. She knows more about your relationship that you do and she LOVES it. That is why that necklace picture was sent. She wanted the hit- not just to upset you- that is part of it. But to extend and remind him of their secret relationship. Yuck. People really suck sometimes.

He knew it was wrong. That is why it was ALL conducted in secret. He destroyed evidence not to spare you pain, but to halt the investigation. To keep the ability to deny because he destroyed the evidence. He likes his mask, he wants to keep as much of it intact as he can.

His priority is to maintain secrets from you not have an authentic relationship with you.

You do not have to PROVE the extent of his cheating. He prevented you from authenticating his actions. So he has forced you to use the common sense to follow his behavior to the logical conclusions. His obstruction is the proof.

He was willing to have sex with AP! so it stands to reason that he would be willing to have sex with AP2. A necklace is an gift of endearment, not given by a family and HE gave it to her without telling you of the purchase or the gift. That is not friendship. Do not question yourself --- assholes will minimize and twist. There is no reason for the number, frequency and timing of contact if it was not an affair. It was an affair. And he knew it was because he hid it.

People of low character have low morality-dar as well as a great ability to test boundaries and push things along. He does this. He enjoys it because he keeps doing it.

And he is unable to come clean without proof. How much proof have you missed or will miss? Do you really want to be the sheriff and to a man child that thinks it is okay to call and talk to other women in the middle of the night?

Recognize he is not dumb or unaware. His priority is himself. If acting dumb or unaware allows him avoid, delay or minimize his accountability, that is what he will do. And do and do.

He can not change what he will not admit or acknowledge. Until he changes his priority and shows you with his actions that he can change and commit to the marriage handle he is not worthy of R with you.

Sorry to hear about your predicament.

I think you already know that you have a serial cheater on your hands. Your WH is having a PA with the current OW and your WH is lying through his teeth about everything that you know to be going on. In addition, the other BH is being played by his WW and your WH.

I understand why you're drained. The OW and your WH are trying to keep you and her BH in the Twilight Zone where they want to keep you thinking that you're crazy and what you're seeing isn't what you're seeing.

If you want the nightmare to end, you have stop playing their game and take control of the situation. Make them play your game; the ass-kick game where you set the rules and you kick their ass.

1. Kick your WH out of the house

2. See a divorce lawyer

3. Reveal all of your WH's affairs and elicit activities to everyone in your and his world

4. Serve your WH with divorce papers

5. Let the OW's BH know that you're divorcing your WH over the PA with the OW

6. Take a break; enjoy your freedom before deciding on R

7. Determine if your WH is truly remorseful; see the Healing Library to read about the signs of true remorse

8. If your WH is showing true remorse, decide if you want to give up your freedom in order to R

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 3:13 PM, September 15th (Friday)]

I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this.

Your WH has a lot of work to do on himself before he can ever be a safe partner for you. Please take the advice you are getting here. No good will come from you staying with him. Not unless he does some serious work on himself... this takes a lot of time, money - and lots of comittment on his part.

Big hugs to you.

this is a very long road.

MOB,

Believe me, once you start telling people what is going on, you will feel better. Keeping his dirty secrets will wear you down very, very quickly. By keeping his secrets, also, you are allowing his affairs to stay in the dark and continue. The light makes them end. You will find so much strength in your family and friends once they find out the shit he has been pulling.

This is a perfect situation for a VAR. he's probably talking to her on his way to work each morning. Velcro it under his seat. If you need more specifics on how to use it just ask.

I'm sorry youre here and in this situation but only you can take control and get yourself out of it. You canNOT rely on him to do anything.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:19 PM, September 15th (Friday)]

MOB

I want to give you my experience with the CS and lying.

I saw in written emails that my H told the OW "I love you".

We fought for 6 months over this. He claimed he didn't love her. Well that's NOT what you said during the A to her. You said you did!!

I had written proof and he tried a technicality like "well maybe I said it but I didn't really feel it or mean it".

To which I replied that I don't know which is worse. Being kicked to the curb for a woman you loved or being kicked to the curb for someone you didn't love!!

So I'm a bit late but a couple of things stand out to me.

He sounds like he's manipulating you with his childhood story of abuse. Feel sorry for me because I was abused boo hoo. Yeah, before I got therapy, I did that too. It's soooo incredibly easy to fall back on that to avoid taking any responsibility for poor decisions. But I'm an adult now and my actions are mine to own, not to blame on my crappy childhood in an attempt to not be held accountable.

Secondly, I would not be at all surprised if he has a personality disorder of some sort. I'm pretty sure that I do, though never diagnosed, because childhood trauma that was ongoing really does a number on the brain.

He's not good for your mental health nor your physical health. I'm not sure you could let go and move forward when he has no remorse, continues to lie, and tries to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him just so he can continue to be a complete twat.

My hands are numb. And I can’t stop them from shaking. And my back hurts so badly that I can’t stand up straight. All I want to do is go to bed and never get up again. But . . . kids.

I put a VAR in his car. And I heard him call her 3 times. Stupid external noises prevent me from hearing everything, but I can hear enough. Telling her how sexy she is. Telling her he loves her. And I’m almost positive that I now have proof that he lied from the beginning about the identity of his affair partner. It was our friend all along. A woman who claimed to be my friend. Came to my house, ate at my table, spoiled my kids. I contacted her. She lied. He will, too when he gets here. Doesn’t matter. I can’t take anymore of this.

I’ve never been in so much pain in my whole life. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I hurt everywhere. And this is just the beginning.

I’m so sorry for your pain

(((MOB)))

If he is calling her there must be a record on the phone bill or maybe he has a secret phone. Be sure your proof is indisputable then confront.

We are all pulling for you because we have been following this saga and drama for way too long.

You now have the irrefutable evidence that you need to know that your husband has not told you the truth even once. He may have admitted to things you could prove, but it was only because he had no other option. More importantly he has been a serial cheater and the serial liar for most of your marriage.

I don’t know what state you are in but I hope that adultery causes him to have to pay through the nose for alimony and child support and whatever else you’re able to take him for. Because he deserves it.

I would get my Plan B in place ASAP and then kick him out, change the locks and start your journey to heal from this trauma.

And I would make sure before he left that he had to sit down and tell your children exactly why he will no longer be living in your home. And I would make sure they heard it from him so that they can question him and he can see some of the devastation he has caused

I am so sorry for you and so sorry that you held out hope and gave him so many chances. He clearly has not deserved any of it.

He could have a secret phone. Or he’s using secret apps. It no longer matters how. I have the recording. I heard enough.

He came home and finally told me that he was having an affair with my friend all along. Every suspicion that I had about them was right on the money. The naked pictures were of her. The earrings he bought were for her. They had sex multiple times in multiple places. But all the while he continued inviting her and her husband over to our house, to our kids’ ball games, to our family outings. I do not, and never will, understand that piece of the puzzle. Why would he want me to be friends with her? Why would he be friends with her husband? It makes absolutely no sense.

He admits that it’s all him. None of it is my fault. He’s screwed up. Sick. He needs help. He doesn’t love her or want her, but he can’t seem to break the cycle. We even managed to talk to his therapist today and start that ball rolling. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. It doesn’t ease my pain. My head knows the truth, but it doesn’t help my heart. And I know exactly what I need to do, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier. And I will have to start tomorrow, but tonight I just want to sit here and hurt. And wish it wasn’t real. And pray for strength and guidance and wisdom.

As for the stupid, lying, cowardly, home wrecking bitch that came to my house and sweet talked my kids and lied to my face every fucking day, including today when she blamed it on him and said he was deluded, but she was going to pray for me . . . she has MS. Isn’t karma the best bitch I know? Yes. Yes she is!