SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Somehow, someway....please dig deep and find the strength. Don't be loyal to something that doesn't exist.

Little steps. Protect yourself. Take care of YOU.

See an attorney... more than one. Know your rights.

Get screened for STDS.

Make copies of all your financial data.

Seek counseling.

Start the 180.

You need to play hardball. He is a self absorbed cheater and a total piece of crap that has no moral compass.

There is NO excuse for cheating...... NONE.

Love by itself is never enough.... there has to be other things, compassion, respect, honesty, fidelity.... unfortunately your WH has nothing to offer. He is as sick as his secrets.

I am so sorry ((MOB)) Please lean on your IRL support. Tell her husband. Go NC with her.... you will never get the truth from her.

You have been living in this horrible situation for months. Your husband has seen you fall apart and he doesn't care. Over and over and he doesn't care. He is spending his time (and marital funds) on his mistress. It's time to blow this power keg open. Tell her husband, tell his family, your family, friends, anyone you can. He is a terrible role model to your sons. This is not how you want your boys to grow up to treat women. Ask him to leave, file for divorce. You may decide later not to go through with it, but there have been no consequences (at least any he cares about) for his actions. You sound like a bright, caring woman and I am so sorry you are continuing to have to live like this. You can stop it.

Your WH isn't sick, he's lying to you. He can break the cycle, he just doesn't because it hasn't been a problem for him. He is enjoying himself with OW, meanwhile, you take care of his kids and his home.

Your WH is garbage. The others are absolutely right. Call her husband and tell him they are no longer welcome in your home and why. Tell your POS WH to take his cheating ass somewhere else, he isn't welcome there either.

For you own sake (and health it appears) you need to take yourself out of infidelity. If you still have the pictures you can at least threaten to make them public (I don't think it's a good idea).

Hire a lawyer ASAP and file for D and request immediate spousal and child support.

Your WH isn't worth R. And don't believe anything he says. He is a LIAR. Assume anything he says is a LIE. This is important.

My head knows the truth, but it doesn’t help my heart. And I know exactly what I need to do, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier.

Yep^^^^^ every single BS on here knows exactly how you feel, exactly.

This is the very difficult screwed up part about infidelity, the ones like your WS and others like him, we call them cake eaters. They want you and the family and the cushy home life but they want the hot sex and sneakiness of the affair on the side. And it leaves the BS with a liar and a cheater and just over all morally bankrupt person who on any normal day you would meet at a restaurant or bar and probably cringe from and would not want anything to do with.... as now your special prize at home that you get to keep. And its like you want to throw up and run away and hide from it all. Its horrifying as it all plays out in your head that you live with this person who has put you in this position of looking like a fool. And just like you said, you sit there and think "how did I get here?" and "how can I get out?".

Trust me when I tell you that we know how tired you are, we have been there. You are exhausted as you have been sitting there with a puzzle that YOU have had to put together because the cheating lying bastard would not give you one iota on that front either would he? He lied, gaslighted, manipulated, lied again, blamed you, blamed his childhood, lied again and had you so twisted up you have gotten ill over it.

And you would have never known that he has kept it going unless you had to now sneak around yourself and get a VAR to put in his car to listen to the fact that he was still lying to you. Still.

Girl...all of us know how you feel, it is degrading, it is sad, it is embarrassing and it is also emotional abuse. Pure and simple. I hope you are seeking IC for yourself and you have someone on your side to help you thru this horrible time period of your life.

And I have to say that I agree with the others, nothing stops an affair better then exposing it to the world, sorta takes the joy out of their special love when everyone knows around them. Its like shining a light on little cockroaches and watch them scatter when you do.

Then go and talk to an attorney who will have your back and just find out what will happen if you do decide to D. Knowledge is power, knowing what your rites are and what might happen will take away that unknown factor. Start going thru all of your financial documents, bills, IRA's etc... and make your own file. Get smart now....emotional will still be there trust us, but get smart now and get mad.

[This message edited by realitybites at 8:54 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

Have you been able to share all of your evidence with the OBS?

You need to do this so he can deal with his life and kids too.

And it will keep her busy.

See an attorney.

Keep all of your evidence.

Please try and eat.

Eating? Not happening. Looks like the infidelity diet will help me lose another 10 pounds before Christmas.

Divorce? Also not happening. At least not any time soon. You have to be a resident of the state for one year before you can file, and we just moved here in July. So that’s not awesome, but I guess it will give me plenty of time to get my poop in a group.

As for the OBS . . . he’s in denial and it’s fairly obvious that she’s gaslighting him pretty hard. He knows how to get ahold of me if he needs or wants to hear the truth, but until then, I must honestly say that I could care less. I do not have the strength or mental fortitude to care about what is going on in their marriage. I have to focus on me and my kids. What he does about his shitty life and his super slut wife is his problem. Luckily, they have no kids, so they’re only hurting each other.

If there is any chance that moving closer to family etc is the right choice for you, now is the time to do it.

Your kids will survive and if you aren't careful you are going to be stuck in a place that isn't a good choice for you because of his actions.

Strongly consider that your kids need a healthy and supported mother and think long and hard about relocating before residency has been established.

Hugs.

Divorce? Also not happening. At least not any time soon

So you are near the halfway point.

I would be firm with him, and 180 his ass hard. Be perfectly clear that you will file the second the 1 year is up.

Get him out of your bedroom, at a minimum.

Stop cooking, cleaning, or doing anything for him. He wants to act single, treat him like he is.

Also write up a reasonable parenting plan, talk to an attorney, even if you can't D for another 6-7 mos, to find out what his time w/ the kids would look like. That way you can mimic what life will be like for him when you do file.

Then document the hell out of everything. Every expense that is for the kids, every time he is supposed to watch the kids, and doesn't.

Start making time for you, and doing things for you when he has the kids. Really let him have them.

It can be a real eye opener for the WS when they learn it's not all rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine.

Thank you for the advice and support. I have such a long road ahead of me. I can't believe this is what my life has come to.

Please, please, please see an attorney as soon as possible. Know your rights. Know how best to protect your kids.

Your WH is evil and a compulsive liar. You should believe NOTHING that comes out of his mouth at this point. NOTHING.

I am so sorry that this has become your life. It is devastating and so exhausting.

Time to find your bitch boots. Lace them up and focus on your journey out of infidelity. You have given him more than enough chances and he has spit on those chances, he has spit on you and your family. He is truly NOT worthy of you or your children. Your WH is such a horrible role model for your sons too. How incredibly selfish.

Please also get into IC for you. Your situation is a complete mindf*ck and you will need help reconciling all the layers of betrayal on both their parts. (((so sorry)))

Hopefully this is enough for you. Enough to believe who your WH truly is.

MOB, be strong for yourself and your precious sons.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:32 PM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

This is truly disturbing. I don't know why I am always surprised when the OBS refuses to believe the truth. Did you show hom the vibrator video? Surely, he would recognize her privates.

At least you have time to siphon off a little bit of cash. My attorney told me to do it, and hide it in a shoe box or something. Come up with a plan, and work toward it for next summer when you meet the residency requirements.

I am so sorry. This sucks.

(((MOB)))

I'm so sorry.

My heart goes out to you, MOB. Please take care of yourself. BE kind to yourself and take time to just start to heal.

And then? FTG. You have given him the GIFT of Reconcilliation and this is he repays you? I am so angry FOR you.

But tonight, just take care of yourself and grieve. There is time to get angry tomorrow.

Hugs...

I've been reading this thread and am just now posting. My initial thought is "Wow! Are you a writer?" If you aren't, you've certainly missed your calling.

What comes to mind next is that your WH is a creep and sounds like the male version of my WW. And that's no compliment.

I did exactly what you alluded to in one of your earlier posts. I really think that I forgave my WW because I was just tired of the bullshit. Now, 14 months after DDay, I cannot live with myself.

Several of you advised me to go completely NC with Happy Hannah Homewrecker — such good advice that I can’t seem to follow. I just can’t believe she would pretend to be my friend while screwing my husband behind my back. It makes absolutely no sense and it fills me with a rage I can barely comprehend or control. She’s lucky that she currently lives three hours away otherwise I would have already ripped those fake hair-extensions right out of her head.

Two days ago I finally managed to share the pictures of her with her husband, and within seconds he confirmed it was her. He said he was going to confront her immediately. I didn’t hear back from him, so I sent a message yesterday just to see if he’s ok. He’s not, but he didn’t want to talk. I understand. The struggle is real for all of us.

But I just couldn’t leave it alone. As of Monday, she was still texting me with excuses and denials. After 8 months of lies from both of them, I no longer know which way is up. My head is a mess. I know that I’m finally hearing what I knew all along — that he was having an affair with one of my closest friends and not some stranger that I’d never even seen or heard of. But I want to hear it from her. I want her to confess. So I sent her 3 emails this morning. Two were screen shots of text messages that she had sent me earlier this year telling me how much she cared about me and my family. The third was a selfie she had taken of herself with my youngest son. And her response? More lies. More denials. “Ok, I sent him the pictures, but we didn’t have sex.” “Yes, I sent him a video of me masturbating, but we NEVER had sex.” “Fine, he gave me jewelry and we called each other a million times and we sexted each other for 2 years, and told each other we loved one another, but there was never any sex.” OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!

I know what you’re going to say . . . Leave it alone. Stop engaging with this whore. It doesn’t matter. I know the truth, why do I need to hear it from someone who is a known liar? Well, I don’t know why it matters, but it does. I want her to tell me the truth. I NEED for her to tell me the truth. I deserve it. And it’s driving me crazy that she repeatedly denies it. He tells me one thing, she tells me another, and between the two of them they’re driving me insane. Which liar is lying now? And more importantly, WHY? He has zero motivation (that I can think of) for telling me that he was having sex with her if he wasn’t. And all the evidence points to her anyway. I was suspicious of their relationship for months, I just needed a smoking gun, which I got from the confirmation that she’s the woman in the pictures. The only thing I’m missing is having seen them going at it with my own eyes. So why is she continuing to lie? She’s caught. The evidence is there. He has confessed. Why won’t she?

I know, I know . . . be like Elsa and let it go. The marriage is over, the friendship is over . . . quit beating a dead horse. Where is Morpheus with that red pill, blue pill choice?Whichever one ends this misery is the one I would gladly swallow.

You were betrayed.

By your husband.

By your friend.

There is no truth that is acceptable.

They lied, they cheated, they manipulated......it's hard to accept the fact that they did this to YOU......

In her warped mind, it you didn't have sex you didn't cheat. She is delusional. She doesn't care.

There is no explanation.

Please go No Contact.

NC = No new hurts.

She doesn't deserve your time....bad enough she is in your thoughts. Please seek IC. Post here and Rant and rave ... let it all out. You will be heard.

Take Care (MOB))

She's lying to you because she's still trying to save her M by lying to her BH, I'm guessing. How could she come clean with you and continue to lie to him?

Not that her reasoning matters. She's a piece of sh!t who betrayed you. You're still trying to wrap your head around that, so I get it.

Yes, they had sex. You know it.

Mother of Boys, I am in the minority. I think you should absolutely have it out with this person who claimed to be a friend. The fact is that you went through a double betrayal. You need to get to a point of peace with both of these cheaters because you had a relationship with each. For me someone betraying a friendship also who needs to be called to account. OW wasn't a close friend in my case but she was a friend and I remember decades later how much it hurt.

I can see why you would need to say your piece to BOTH of your betrayers.

I wish you strength and peace- you deserve so much more than these people have put you through.

[This message edited by looking4thesun at 12:11 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

You cannot hear the truth from a pathological liar. It's frustrating and infuriating, but their mindset is just that different.

You already have your proof. You have real, visual, solid evidence. That never lies. Unlike the OW herself who can't seem to tell the truth to save her life.

MoB, we tell you no contact with the homewrecker because she's not worth your energy. Your kids are. You are. Don't give them any more of your power or your time. Document any future interaction, including with your husband, and save the evidence you already have.

Don't waste any more of your time on these tools. Your kids need at least one parent who will still be there for them, and you need to start protecting yourself, for your own emotional health and sanity.

Listen, I am not surprised, most if not all BS's in the beginning are in shock and with a double betrayal it just takes it over the top. So I understand that you are like a person who has a huge cut that is trying to scab over but somehow you just want to keep picking at the scab, it itches, it hurts, its not healing fast enough and you quite frankly don't even remember on many days how it got there! Or why it is there. So you pick away at it.

However I do I agree with many other posters that now that you reached out one more time you really will feel better if you just delete her from your contacts, block her, delete her, take her off all social media, etc.... it won't make it stop, but it will be a first step of YOU taking control and not letting this person take one more minute of your future.

It is painful to cut out people in our lives who had a huge portion of it, your WS, your XFriend, this is all truly painful for you. But you are doing the right thing for your own mental health and heart and like anything it is going to take some time and persistence on your part to keep in a healthy head space. Every time you let her or your WS in to "talk" to you further it just screws with your head some more. They are never going to get it, at all.

But I just wanted to let you know that we all mess up, there is no clean linear way of dealing with betrayal, brush yourself off, just say OK I did it, and then forgive yourself and try to have a better day. But I do get it. Its all so damn hard and painful.