Those two options (R and D) are simply paths that will get you out of infidelity. Fortunately, these paths share a long intimal stretch, and once they fork they run parallel to each other for some time.
Arbuom – I know this is contradictory but I don’t place much value in words, but still think words are very important.
When your wife tells, you she doesn’t love you and probably won’t ever love you I think you should take note of those words. But they are only words… Words without action are only words… BUT they can give us a clear indication of where she is headed. What can be done is force her to stand by her words. It’s like when a kid threatens to hold its breath if it must eat cauliflower. A parent might call the threat and the kid eventually must grab some new air.
Imagine you say out loud “I have to lose weight. I’m going to start exercising and watch what I eat”. Those words are a direction, a goal. They tell me what you want. But if you then go grab a hamburger and the remote for the TV… Those actions tell me even louder than your words that there is little correlation between words and actions. Force the situation where her words have logical consequences and her actions show her intentions.
The below is how I suggest you create the situation where it becomes clear to you if your marriage has any chance. If you want out – then don’t bother. If YOU are content with a divorce, then simply head for it. But don’t dally. Be firm, fair but determined.
But your wife has said what she said. Her actions indicate she’s still in infidelity – whether it’s active or inactive (seeing/contacting OM or not). Take her words at face-value and act accordingly. Even if she told you the affair is over (or the “friendship”) then act accordingly until the actions support those words.
The good thing in your situation is that your initial steps out of infidelity would be the same per se irrespective of R or D. Go back to the little speech I gave you. That’s your action-plan. You let her know you resolve her of any marital obligations and that you are moving out of infidelity. She doesn’t have to love you, find love for you, try to love you… Heck… You two don’t even have to like each other or agree on what’s for dinner. All you need is some form of cohabiting and co-parenting that will work for the now-temporary situation.
You make divorce real. It ‘s a process and it takes time, it won’t happen overnight. But it can be divided into emotional detachment, financial detachment and the logistics of joint commitments that can’t be fully separated (like custody and the kids). You can start the emotional detachment. You can limit the financial attachment. You can start the logistical attachment regarding daily stuff like who prepares meals for whom, laundry and so on.
Since the destination is clear – out of infidelity – and since the path is clear – divorce because she won’t commit to the marriage and/or because divorce is what you want – then you can look at the present situation as a temporary thing. Something that’s surmountable because you KNOW it will change. With that you can be around her with relative ease. It’s sort-of like when you are waiting for a member of staff to finish their last shift before termination. There isn’t any use in arguing over performance or quality of work or tomorrows schedule.
Once you start entering useless confrontations and arguments you stop feeding her justification for the affair. Stay out of them with a firm, fair and consistent reply and you both stop feeding her AND your pain:
You controlling? No, you aren’t. You have told her she’s totally free to see OM. She can do whatever she wants – including deciding your marriage is crap, she can’t love you and whatever.
You trying to swindle her in divorce? No, you aren’t. You simply handed the matter over to an attorney that will ensure your rights in a fair divorce.
You want her aunt’s vase that she inherited? No, you don’t. You only want the assets distributed in accordance with what your attorney says is fair and right.
You throwing her out? No, you aren’t. It’s only normal that divorced couples arrange separate accommodations. That might mean selling the house, you buying her out, she buying you out…
You making her pay for her own gas? No, you aren’t. She wanted out of the marriage and that includes a termination of marital finances. She pays her own personal expenses.
Then you make the affair reality. You don’t hide it. You let every stakeholder in the marriage know that you don’t like your wife’s boyfriend and that you hate sharing. Therefore, the marriage is heading to its demise. Call it an affair – she will argue and complain, but stick to that word. Affair. Stick to the truth and be factual: The reason you are divorcing is mainly that she decided to focus on OM and her relationship with him and that you can’t accept that. The D is your choice because what she offered isn’t acceptable. If asked about your blame for the situation then be honest: There are things in the marriage you could have done better and could maybe be worked on, but your wife insisting on having a boy-friend isn’t surmountable.
Don’t talk of a joint future. Don’t talk about next Thanksgiving or next summer’s vacation. Don’t talk about renewing a car, your pension fund and where it’s headed. Don’t go to parties and dinners as a couple. Just move on through this temporary status as if it’s an annoyance. You KNOW you are headed to a better place.
Ignore her actions. She dresses up and flaunts it in your face, then you take the kids out for pizza. She tells you how much fun she had yesterdays, you say “great” and go wash the car. Detach and avoid unnecessary confrontation.
Then you make the marriage attractive. Best way to do that is also something that will be beneficial to you anyway. You take care of yourself.
Exercise, eat healthy, groom yourself, take pride in your appearance, be calm, determined, the best father ever, responsible… You don’t do anything of these things for her, you do it for YOU. Be content with your decision and your path.
I don’t know if following the above will save your marriage. I don’t even know if it’s worth saving. What I do know is that to remain married both you and your wife need to want it. To divorce only one of you needs to want divorce.
What I do know is that irrespective of D or R I think the above advice will help you either way and it will force the issue, making it clear if D is inevitable (and therefore easier to accept) or if R is possible (and thereby on the right basis).
