Tonight, I found a different way to look at "not enough".
It's not that I feel I'm not enough - I do NOT feel that way. Yes, I have insecurities, no, I am not a beauty queen, yes I can be a royal pain in the arse. But I am me, I am awesome, and I AM enough.... just not for my WH.
Tonight, I used a different analogy - that he has some kind of hole in his bucket, and I would never be enough to fill HIS bucket. Maybe someone else could (tho not his AP), but I couldn't. however, I am more than enough, better than enough, and absofuckinglutely AWESOME. And I would rather be alone than with a partner who whose bucket is so full of leaks he can tell himself he loves me while fucking someone else.
Am I full of pain? absolutely. But I allow myself to really FEEL it and see it and lean into it.
Angry? You bet. But I know that it will not be forever.
Codependent? Yup, that would be me. But I can go to meetings, read the steps, work the program and find a better, more healthy way to relate to others.
Loud? bawdy? shrill? check, check, check. But I am also strong and intuitive, struggling and vulnerable, badass and baby.
I'm also just not willing to put up with more of WH's bullshit.
I love him, but he hurts me.
Even after dday, he continues to hurt me.
I don't think he's hit "rock bottom" and am no longer sure he will. Even if he does, I don't think he'd even talk to me about it unless I nagged him. I don't want to be a nag to someone for whom I am not enough.
A month or two ago, my IC (and maybe my WH) said, it sounds like you expect him to be a different person.
I said "Yes, I DO expect that. I deserve that. His fucked up choices have forced me to be a different person, so why doesn't he have to do that work too?"
I'm losing confidence that he can do the work - that he has the tools and ability
even if he did, will I ever get "over" this?
I just don't know anymore. I just do not know.
He lied to me about the very EXISTENCE of this woman for the entire 27 years we have been together. It's like she must have some sort of magic vagina.
My WH doesn't feel this, but to me, the very foundation of our entire relationship has been built on the lie that ultimately turned into a 9yr PA (and, arguably, 18 yr EA before the PA began, given his secrecy about her even before she got divorced). The result is that it colors EVERYTHING we have done. He can hold on to what he sees are good memories. I don't see or feel it that way at all. I feel the dark cloud of WH's desire to screw AP since the day we met has overshadowed everything.
I deserve better.... I deserved honesty, both before and after we married. I deserved honesty after dday (he was, like most things, half-assed in his answers to my questions.... and I fucking took it like a gift). And I deserve honesty for the few years I have left on this earth. I am worthy of that.
I'm just not sure a person capable of lying about a secret friend for 27 years is capable of becoming a truly honest person.
Maybe someone on this thread who has recovered from this kind of LTA can give me hope.... so far, I see a lot of BS working really hard through really tough stuff to overcome a cloud that lasted one night, or a year or two. This just feels like a completely different animal to me.
I love him, but he hurts me.
I am enough.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:49 AM, July 9th (Monday)]