I am sorry if this doesn’t give you the support you need or want. This isn’t the R forum. This post is for the BS whose WS had a LTA and we all dealt with it differenty.. Hopefully if this happens again you will leave if you can. Don’t let them be like Tiger Woods. My life is 98% drama free and I am far from a bag lady (in reference to fears about divorce).
I just see multiple d days in R. I gave my WS a chance as I was on the fence and one slip up and he was out.
I haven't been on SI for a few days, and am unclear if you are directing much of your post to me CaliforniaNative, as mine was in response to your initial post, but in the event you are, I appreciate your opinions.
All of us on this site share walking the journey of infidelity, but the roads traveled have different characters, detours, scenery etc.. I don't profess to know what is best for you or anyone else here, nor do I think you know what is best for me or my family. All we have is our shared experience of infidelity and our own frames of reference, which as stories are familiar to our own, sometimes draw stronger opinions as they hit close to home.
The sharing on this site is profound as we can draw strength from the familiar, hope from success stories (with success defined as happy and fulfilled lives after the destruction of an A, either through R or D), and seek guidance from those more experienced. I write on this site in hopes that something I write will resonate with someone and hopefully provide them with hope, strength, ideas for coping, anything really.
My WH knows in no uncertain terms that if he lies to or betrays me in any way again, there is no discussion of the status of our relationship, I am done, no looking back. This gift of grace given with R is a one time gift for me, but I can appreciate for others, they may be able to offer it more than once.
I appreciate your concern with WS taking it more underground and more ddays to come, particularly with a serial cheater, but I honestly don't believe that will be the case with my WH. I will only speak for my rs that he is working his ass off to be the partner I have asked for for years. His phone is out in the open, his time is accounted for, he is attentive, nurturing, kind, compassionate, empathetic, thoughtful...the many things he did not exude in his A. Thus for me, based on the objective evidence before me, I am willing to take the risk and offer R, after much fence sitting, watching and waiting. I completely understand how others reading this would have a different line in the sand and be shaking their heads at their computers at the notion of giving R to a serial cheater. That's ok with me, only I can truly judge what is before me.
I am not going to comment on who is stronger. The choices we have are not that great. Stay with someone that has a history of being an a$$hole to you or go through the hell of Divorce.
As stated previously, I think both require strength and the pros and cons vary individually. Being in this position is less than ideal and yes, I am choosing to be with someone who has a history of being an a$$hole, but I am also choosing to stop focusing on the past, to believe that change is possible and live in the moment (I am an eternal glass half fuller - enter possible head shaking again).
I have a better M now than I ever have. Yup, my WH made incredibly selfish decisions to have NSA sex outside the marriage and we both have to live with that, but it is not all of who he is and I am willing to focus on the person he is showing me to be (and who he has been the past 5 years since the last A ended). As I said, my professional work reminds me ever day of the fragility of life. My clients all assumed their tomorrows would look like today, before their lives were forever changed. Tomorrow is not a guarantee, so I am choosing to focus on the positives in my life and to be honest, at this point, my WH is a positive.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 12:42 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]