I wish I hadn’t told so many people and oddly we have friends that I wish I could tell. It’s not to shame him. Its out of protection as I fear they would never look at him the same (how could they) and I would lose yet more of my life and friendships. It’s just uncomfortable being close to people yet you are harboring a huge secret.
H&H - good for you to tell WH's family off the bat - I really wish I'd done that. I think it could have helped avoid the suicide, provided a semblance of support for him outside me and our IC/MC. But - I didn't. I only encouraged him. This is one of my regrets post dday- that I didn't just tell who I thought should know. sigh.
Update on WH family front - he called one of his brothers last night and he's going through his THIRD divorce. This brother has been kind of a jerk to me (and was completely inappropriate while WH was in hospital, at one point a pysch is asking WH questions & the brother told ME that we should leave - I said I'm staying, you do what you like). I told WH last night that I resent his family not giving a damn about me, while my family is sending WH get well cards, despite all the harm and pain he's caused me and them. WH always gave me grief for spending so much time with my family and not with his - well, maybe now he can recognize what I've known all along... they don't treat me like "family", but just an extension of him, while my family sees him as part of the whole family.
Would I have written off a man who did what my husband did and shook my head at the poor pathetic woman who stayed? Sadly, I probably would have. So that is my lesson. People all have different needs and desires and we need to support each other rather than judge our differences. Oh, and forgiveness.... it’s a work in progress for me, but I have never been good at it.
Yes, Svon. I can't believe that I'm still here... really can not believe it. And I'm pretty sure I've judged others who have stayed with their WS.
Forgiveness? I too struggle with that - and this is a doozy. I've always tried to forgive (or "put up" with) what I can, but once I've hit my limit I'm out (I once went years not speaking to a sibling who stole film from my purse after I told her it was my last roll and she couldn't have it while on a trip MILES from a store with film). The LTA is way beyond that. We shall see if my own work can change that. I agree that anger/resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die, but damn! it's really hard to even envision forgiveness - I could see the possibility months ago, but I think the suicide set me back pretty far.
My WH was always a good husband (so I thought), but if I had a time machine to go back 25 years and do it again, I would not pick him. A major part of that is he lied about AP from day1 - didn't reveal her when we shared (what I thought were) ALL past lovers, and didn't reveal he'd met with her when we lived together, so I feel very manipulated and that I was not allowed to be truly informed when I consented to the marriage. Which is so odd in that if he'd told me of her existence and of their relationship, I would have been completely fine with it, as I was with his relationships with all other former lovers. But if I knew that he'd lied about that, I really don't think I could have gone thru with the M... those lies coupled with the BJ from a prostitute after engagement were a combo I could not have forgiven... one or the other, but never both (and I did forgive the BJ- it was hard for me, but I was young and foolish and took it as something that I had to deal with, so I got some IC, but never insisted that he get help - in retrospect, I don't see why my IC didn't tell me that it was imperative that he seek counseling too... unfortunately, this was before the Internet, so resources like SI just weren't available. So I came to terms with it, accepted it, loved him, forgave him, married him, and never threw it in his face).
He was always big on romance, cooks/cleans, was good with DD (not so much with DS), and has been my very best friend for 28 years (more than 1/2 of my entire life). I didn't like the drinking, distance, or emotional unavailability, but made peace with that (ironically, in the months immediately after the start of the sexual phase of the LTA). Yes, I like my life and it's comforts, and I hate the idea of breaking up my family... but those considerations, for me, are not enough to stay in a M where I'm not the person I want to be WRT my spouse. It's a cluster. I never wanted to be a wife that snooped (or even considered snooping) or was jealous. But the depth of this betrayal put me exactly there... a place I NEVER wanted to be (which has always been clearly communicated to WH... he knew this about me from day1, and f*cked someone else anyhow). From what I feel in my gut and what I read here on SI, complete trust doesn't ever really return, no matter how hard everyone works and changes. Ultimately (and assuming WH can do the work on his side of the street), I guess it may just come down to that... how much trust can ever be restored with WH (right now, it's less than it was on dday) and whether I decide I'd rather resign myself to remain married and have wife/partner qualities I never wanted in response to lack of trust, or resign myself to living alone the rest of my life, as I don't think it would be possible to ever have complete trust with anyone. Frack - another thing on the forgiveness list - that I will NEVER trust anyone the way I did with my WH before dday. More innocence lost forever. Good grief- it pisses me of SO bad, and I feel jealous/envy those who still have that.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:58 PM, October 24th, 2018 (Wednesday)]