SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello to all you nice people. If anyone wants to read the nitty gritty of my sad story, it is here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=610942

Basically, DDay was only 6 days ago, and now I'm in a state of barely functioning. We've progressed to a D decision very quickly, the the point that she's actually moving out this weekend. She's trying to hide her excitement about her new life to me, but I can tell she is. Excited to get on with the new house and new man.

I, meanwhile, am in searing emotional pain and it feels there is little I can do about it. I can barely sleep or eat. I am terrified of losing her. She was my best friend for 13 years, we shared so much: vacations, kids, laughter, good times and bad times. And now it's over, and the worst part is that she doesn't seem sad at all, despite my basketcase behavior showing her full well what she's doing to me.

DOES IT GET BETTER? HOW LONG? My future feels so bleak.

[This message edited by bardo at 7:58 AM, September 7th (Thursday)]

Oh bardo

I am so sorry that you had to join us here. It is however the absolutely best place for poor souls who have to endure this hell.

I would imagine that you have decided to post, only because you first read here for a bit and saw what support we all get from one another.

This place has been better for me than IC, MC and even psychiatric care and meds.

I am hoping that it will be the same for you.

We are all a mess when we first discover. Many, if not most contemplate just ending it. I did, more than that I very nearly succeeded. Don't ever be that stupid. We care. So rather just stop by here and let us sit with you for a while.

Does it get better. Absolutely!!!!

Will she ever come back. No issue. Your happiness does not depend on that. I promise you.

I am now in a place where I honestly think that I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

Could I even conceive that I would live a day without pain a year ago?

At the time it was beyond believable. So no, I don't expect you to believe me or believe that it is possible for you. But it is.

How can I be so certain? Must be I don't know your story or that mine could never have been as bad as your's. Forget it. I think I trump most on SI for how badly a WW could devastate a BH.

Nope, I can be confident because multiple thousands have gone through this before us. All their waywards followed the same script. Yip there is a handbook that they all study. And all of the BS's have eventually found happy.

It takes a lot of time and hurts like hell. But we are here for you.

Keep posting.

I need to get to something else right now but others will be along and I will pop back later.

In the mean time, read as much as possible here and in JFO.

Hi Bardo, and welcome. You got a great welcome already, but I wanted to echo it. And sorry your WW is behaving so cruelly.

Please make sure you are taking care of you - see a doctor for help sleeping , eat what you can (protein shakes), get some exercise.

Make sure your ducks are lined up - get a lawyer and protect yourself and your children. Get in real life support / friends or IC.

It hurts like nothing else. The fear, the heartbreak. We understand. But it will get better. Read up on the 180 ad it can help you deal with all this.

Keep posting. Sending you strength.

I am so sorry for how bad you are hurting. Unfortnately you are at the beginning of the roller coaster ride. So strap yourself in because it gets worse before it gets better.

It will get better however. How long it takes depends on you. Usually 2-5yrs of healing is the norm. Your mileage may vary. You have no control over what she does or has done. You can only control yourself and your own actions through all of this. She doesn't care at this stage because she stepped out of the marriage a long time ago.

It will hurt as you go through the stages of grieving for the marriage and STBXWW. You will however start to have better days as time goes on and you start to build a new life without her. I know you don't feel that way now, but eventually you will be happy again, maybe even happier than you were in the marriage.

As you process this you will begin to see that who you thought she was never really existed except in your own mind and now that person is gone. As far as eating and sleeping....If you can't tolerate regular food, drink some protein shakes. See your doctor to get a sleep aid if you need it. Also sometimes a mild anti-depressant is needed until you are feeling better.

Just know that you will get through this. Those of us that have lived it and survived are a testament to that. Get out of the house and go for walks. Start an exercise program. Get a hobby. Anything to get your mind off of this nightmare for a little while does wonders. Hang in there!!!

Bardo,

Sorry for your pain.

I just want to pop in and say that while I'm not divorcing, I am still in very much pain myself. It's been 4 years. 4 years of hell.

It's taking me this long because my WW refused to stop seeing him and just kept the A going and raged on me, justifying her actions to herself. It was just awful.

You are taking the fast train out of hell. You have a ticket, but you are still sitting at the station in agony. I decided to walk slowly out of hell with my WW. I can't say yet if your way or my way would be less painful.

Suffice to say that only about 2% of couples formed during an affair end in a happy marriage. You will escape from this hell, while she has set herself up for a slow decent into it.

Take care. Drink lots of water. Focus on you. Limit your alcohol. Love your kids. Know that you can stand tall as a good man as you wife dives head first in a pool of sewage. Don't let her get you down.

It does get better...eventually.

Unfortunately, it's probably going to be the worst pain (both physically and emotionally) you've ever felt. Sorry, but true.

So, first off - take care of yourself. If you need to, and can, take some time off from work. Get into IC (individual counseling), even if it's just someone you can talk to - it helps a lot (writing here as well, but a "real" person is usually better). Make sure you eat (protein shakes are good); stay hydrated, but try to stay off (or limit at least) the booze. See friends. Get some exercise - just taking walks helped me.

Next - protect yourself. See a lawyer. Like yesterday. Learn about the process, what it will likely look like for you (financially, custody, etc.). I also recommend opening separate financial accounts (in different banks/brokerages, than where you currently have $) and put half of any joint account money in there (consult your lawyer first). This way, you know you will get 1/2 the money; if she spends it, you might get it back in a settlement...maybe...at some point in the future.

[Edit: I read your JFO post. YOU NEED TO CONSULT WITH A LAWYER. NOW. Even if you do work out the agreement with your WW, you still want to have a lawyer's advice and guidance on this. Also, don't be surprised if WW suddenly has a change of heart and wants EVERYTHING.]

You might not feel it right now, but the swiftness of what's happened is probably a blessing. Think ripping the band-aid off vs slowly peeling it (months (years) of false R, trickle truth, etc.).

But, be prepared for her to want to come back. Right now, she's in Fairy Land where everything is unicorns and rainbows. Once she moves in with OM, reality will start to set in - she'll get to smell his farts. Don't be surprised when she realizes she has no money (job) and wants more from you, and isn't so "generous" in a divorce agreement.

It's not uncommon for WSs to take off, realize the grass isn't greener, and want to come back. Just (mentally) prepare yourself.

Keep posting, we'll help guide you through.

bardo

Me again. Hopefully with a bit of practical advice this time.

The one thing that helped me more than anything when I was where you are, was activity.

Firstly, physical activity. For me gym and walks helped the most. I never wanted to do it. Would rather just have wallowed in my grief. I forced myself. Took every ounce of resolve I had, and once moving it was my best therapy.

The other was taking small but determined steps on my plan out of infidelity. The very first was seeing a lawyer.

You have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this! I have principal custody of my 2PP. If I had put a step wrong on day one that would have been different. 2PP are my life.

The OBS in my case also found that the best thing that she did was seek legal advice asap.

If I was there next to you right now, no matter your protestations or excuses, I would be making the call and marching you in. Trying to think of some way that I could do it.

All us hurt BS's are still clinging to the hope that we will wake from the dream. Irony is, that SI stories have proven that the BS's that go aggressive and determined on day one have the best shot at R, and where R can't happen, then they heal in D the quickest.

The best way do this is - go see a lawyer!!!!

Then, there is a wonderful band of brothers over here who are BH's with kids that we just adore, squid, and SuperDady are just two, there have been a ton more who have supported me on my down days. Share with us any single dad problems or fears that you might have.

We will either have had them and figured it out or will figure it out together.

So, first action - go see a lawyer.

2nd - go give your kids a hug and make them pancakes. then take them with for that walk.

(edit to improve choice of words)

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 9:19 AM, September 7th (Thursday)]

One additional thing...

I would have much, much, MUCH preferred her run off with the OM for a while, discarding all pretenses, than to pretend I was controlling, crazy, over protective, seeing things... to unknowingly live a one sided open marriage is the worst. To then have the affair shoved in my face as we pretended to be married for our children's sake... was excruciating.

You have clarity. You have knowledge. You have truth. You can go full steam ahead.

There is a fair chance she will think 3-6 months from now, "What the fuck am I doing!?! This guy is a cheating selfish ass!" And then she may come limping home with her tail tucked. Maybe. My wife finally did, though it took about a year for the affair to fizzle out. But, it was painful to see her search history, "dating during divorce" as she prepared.

At least it all will be in the open instead of having them secretly living a double life as you slowly go insane. I know first hand what it's like to prefer divorce over seeing you wife drive off to spend the day with the OM and then come home to rage at you in front of the children.

She decided to betray you and walk out of the marriage and leave your family in the dust with what is called "The Mass Murder Option" by Linda McDonald's How to "Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". You may want to send it to her.

Again, I am so, so sorry for your pain. You will get through this. You have power and knowledge to move forward and be the best "you" possible. Many, many here are amazingly happy after divorce. And there are others here that have their wives come to their senses after a year or two of screwing around and come back to be a repentant, contrite spouse.

But I will tell you there are very, very few here that live happy in a one, sided open marriage. That is where you are moving from, and it will feel better the farther away you travel.

Most of the betrayed husbands who divorce heal faster than those that reconcile. Most seem very happy with divorce 1-2 years out.

So: You have 1-2 years of hell ahead of you. But once you fet through it, you'll be happier than you've ever been.

This pain will pass. Just push through one day at a time.

I was where you are 10 months ago. Yes it does get better and you will never feel as terrible again as you do right now. Promise. You get stronger but it takes time. Here's what helped me. First, counseling. I also got a prescription for pills to help me sleep and get through the awful rage and anxiety. I built up a network of supportive friends. Exercise (I lost 30 pounds). I developed a play list on my smart phone and when STBX was around stuck in my ear buds and ignored him. I planned trips. I learned to meditate with an app called "Headspace." I read two things that helped enormously: "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron and a web page called Infidelity Help Group, which has articles about how to view your cheater spouse so that it is easy to maintain necessary emotional distance. Their articles will help you understand who you are married too and why you are better off. In my case, my STBX always possessed a deeply flawed character but as the faithful spouse I was wired to look past it for 20 years to keep the family together. Chances are you did the same with your cheating spouse. I subscribe to the idea that there is no such thing as an affair fog, just people so damaged and selfish they are beyond repair. It will take a lot of work to full comprehend that -- it sure did for me and it gave me no solace to hear that I would eventually reach a place of healing and understanding about my marriage. But I did. You will, too.

Bardo, I'm so sorry you are here at SI, and that your wife is being such a dick about it, so f***ing happy about her new life while you are a wreck.

please tell me how to get through this

This is a traumatic event for you. Some sessions with a therapist who specializes in trauma might help you - I got EMDR therapy and it got me to a place where I could function, even if I was still in significant pain. I also went on anti-depressants that took the edge off my pain for a while. I know others took different routes to help them manage the pain and trauma, such as exercise, sleep aids, etc. Talk to your doctor about your options.

DOES IT GET BETTER? HOW LONG?

I did in-house separation for several months (we had a 3-year-old and an 11-month-old on D-Day) and I think it impeded my healing. The sooner she leaves, the better. It doesn't heal overnight, like you are sobbing on the floor one day and fine the next. It's a gradual process and everyone's timing differs, but it does take at least several months or possibly years. I'm still hurting after a couple of years, but it is not searing, just an occasional dull ache.

Some additional tools that might help you:

One helpful book is "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. Confiding in close friends or relatives can be helpful, so you don't have to pretend everything's fine around them and they can be a shoulder to cry on occasionally. I found a Divorce/Separation Meetup group in my city and attended several meetups - it's a bit like SI in real life. Many people also go to DivorceCare seminars that help them process what they are going through.

Welcome, Bardo, to the best club that no one ever wants to be in.

You've gotten great advice thus far. You're in great, capable hands. Listen and follow the advice. I wish I had listened 6 months ago instead of wallowing through this limbo that I am in now. But I'll be joining you soon.

The fact is, with her gone, you'll heal a lot quicker. Yes, the pain is unbearable, but it does get better. I am almost at 7 months out and I can say it gets better. Just as long as I don't engage with my STBXWW. So don't engage with yours. Try to go full NC. Find a new hobbie. Stay active. Reach out to friends. You'll make it through. Just keep going.

Thank you all so much. It is so helpful to know that I'm not alone in this. The nights are hardest for me; I toss and turn for hours. This woman seemed to change overnight. Never in 13 years were there ANY trust issues, neglect with our kids, NOTHING. She has some issues with alcohol, and an inability to talk about any difficult subject, which really doomed our marriage but I ignored the red flags for years.

But suddenly she is a monster, with very little remorse for cheating, justifying it because she has strong feelings for the OM. She cries very little when we talk, it's all matter of fact like she's talking about the weather, "we had a bad marriage and this is best". She never ONCE talked to me about any problems, it was always me who brought issues up. I ask her if it makes her sad that she's losing the person she's spent nearly every day with for 13 years and all she says is, blankly, "yes, it is sad". No tears, no emotion, nothing.

I know what I am doing; I am focusing on HER and our broken relationship, instead of ME and our kids. It is so hard though. I want a goddamn explanation how it could go from me feeling fine about our relationship to dead in the space of a week, No warning whatsoever. She is giving me nothing. She is looking forward to her new life and doesn't seem to care that I am sobbing for hours and hours. How can this be?????

I'm not going to get any answers from her, am I?

I'm not going to get any answers from her, am I?

Probably not. Even if you did, there isn't any answer that will be adequate for you. As you said, you need to stop focusing on her and instead focus on you and your children. It takes some time, but you will get there.

bardo,

I'm not going to get any answers from her, am I?

I'll tell you that she's the last person you're going to get a straight, truthful answer from maybe ever.

The fact is, she's in la-la land. She's gone. Delusional. Her reality is based on one where she's won't be held accountable, won't feel consequences, and won't feel contrition. It's very common. There's no struggle where she is now. She doesn't have to face to herself where she is now. And, trust me, you'll only go crazy trying to make sense of why she's doing what she is doing.

So focus on you and your kids. Be the best dad ever. They need at least one stable parent that they can look to for guidance and steadiness in this crazy world that your WW has created. Be that guy.

Sending you strength.

You have been blindsided with a mindfuck of epic proportions, and you are still reeling in shock. A shitty place to be in, but totally normal. Focus on YOU and take each day at a time, hour by hour if that is what it takes to get through the day. But know that it absolutely will get better with the dreaded time. There is no fast-track, though, so process your feelings in the most healthy way possible as you move through the grief process. Because that is what you are doing - grieving. Grieving the loss of your marriage.

I'm not going to get any answers from her, am I?

You may, but the odds are that it won't be what you want to hear or it will not make a lick of sense to you. Don't waste time trying to figure out why because you cannot make sense out of nonsense. She is broken. You will never understand any of her answers because you are not wired like her.

Hang in there, bardo. You are among friends, and we are here for you.

At this point a year ago, my Ex told me that he doesn't love me anymore. In October I found out about the affair.

It does get better. But not all at once. I lost 20 pounds very quickly because I was so depressed (I only weigh 150). Now, I can tell that I'm gaining some of it back. When I think about my X, sometimes it upsets me but I haven't cried in over a month. I haven't needed my sleeping pills or my anxiety pills.

One thing that you can try to do for yourself over the next year is plan some fun things. I went to Washington for the women's march, I'm hitting 7 festivals this summer, I've gone on some wonderful adventures that I would not have done with my X. Now is the time to think about yourself and your kids. This next year might be the worst year of your life, so do things for yourself when you can.

And remember, next year will be soooo much better.

I'm sorry bardo.

I'm a die hard optimist so I can't help but say on the plus side, you're not being duped with false reconcilation. That's unnecessary agony for the BS and it sucks. You know your path is CLEAR at this point so that is a plus, even though you are crushed.

This like most awful things takes time. It probably will feel the same from day to day for quite awhile, but eventually you won't feel like you are dying little by little.

Just like other things in life, you have to put in the work to heal. Get yourself in IC as soon as possible to start healing from the inside out. It can be a life saver with the right counselor. You will get out of it what you put in.

A warning, don't buy into the "they get to ride off into the sunset bullshit" either. We all do to one degree or another, but remember, this is who she is. Someone who said to your face, foresake all others and then had an affair. She has not changed a bit. Regular life will set in for them, you know dirty laundry, bills, throw up, etc. She will cheat again because that's who she is.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but here is the best place for you at the moment. Check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner, yellow box. There's a ton of material on the internet as well. Blogs, videos, etc.

No, you will not get any answers. The more you weep in front of her, the more she will disrespect you. Women are drawn to courage. Be courageous. Women are drawn to strength. Be strong. Women want decisiveness. Be decisive. If you must weep, get out of the house. Divorce her, and show her you are the master of your own fate. Otherwise, pathetic displays will only drive her to the other man even faster. Serve her with papers. Move on. Find an awesome new wife for you and stepmother for your children. That's how you get someone's attention. Believe me, she's out there waiting for you. Prove to your cheating POS that she is the one who lost out. Good luck dude. You have a lot of work to do. Now, suck it up and get to it.

I got left in a most heinous and cruel manner but yours is worse because she's there in front of your face glowing about her new "love". If it's any comfort that'll probably crash and burn at some point. Might not. Could take years to happen. I know where you are right now and I don't envy it. Yet here I am today happy and engaged to a woman I love with all my heart. We are so happy. The point is that I survived and you will survive. It'll take time. Conventional wisdom says 2-5 years. I have learned that you can help yourself make that take less if you're proactive about it. Good luck.