SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my dear sweet WH had a 2.5 year affair on me. He lied to my face every day for 2,5 years, spent my money on her and wasted valuable family time away from DS to be with a girl half his age. Well, when I found out about the affair I said I wanted a D. We have seen attorneys. However, if I even say Hi to him he starts to yell at me, saying he will broke after this, trying to blame the affair on me again "you ignored me for years", asking me why I forgot about the years he was faithful to me, tired of being the "bad guy" etc, He still lives in the house, but is trying to find a place. I just want him out at this point and I hope his anger doesnt change the financial terms we verbally agreed upon. Maybe this is more manipulation.

I am surprised he is mad at me for wanting a divorce -- maybe he never really thought this through. Actions have consequences, correct? I have been really strong through this and haven't changed my mind. I feel like this is an opportunity for a fresh start.... maybe that's what bothers him? Dont get me wrong, I was sad and angry during the first 30s days, but I am ready to move on..

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:30 PM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

Oh I love how they all don't want to be the bad guy... Sorry. Can't have an affair and still be the good guy. That's not how life works.

saying he will broke after this

Seems like that's the real issue for him. It isn't as if he's remorseful and falling apart at the thought of losing you. He's upset that he's going to suffer consequences. Your suffering is irrelevant. And that's a better reason for divorce than the affair which stands fairly well on it's own as a reason.

He's upset that he's going to suffer consequences. Your suffering is irrelevant.

Yup, going to have to agree here. He seems more upset about losing his comfy life while he's out wooing his 25 years-old schmoopie. Probably one of those people who think consequences don't apply to him.

Have you read up on the 180? It helps protect against whining like this.

[This message edited by shakentocore at 7:22 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I had my XWH served with divorce papers at the OW's house.

He was livid. You were AT THE OW'S HOUSE!! At what point should this have been shocking to him?

It's just this skewed sense of entitlement, and the fact that we would have the audacity to divorce them. It's always everyone else's fault, not theirs.

So typical. I don't think they ever plan on getting caught, or if they do get caught you'll just look the other way. It's mind-boggling and yet so common.

My XWH cheated with a married woman he had briefly dated 30 years ago, denied it vehemently when caught, then admitted it and explained how I had been a terrible wife for 26 years, wouldn't drop her, then was SHOCKED and furious when I filed for divorce.

Wow, California! We have a lot of the same details; same age, long-term affair, AP half his age, spending family time and money ...all that horrible stuff.

I am happy for you that you are moving on, are strong and not wavering. Please keep us updated on your fresh start adventures. I need all the positive models I can get.

asking me why I forgot about the years he was faithful to me

But he's SUPPOSED to be faithful to you, without expecting a medal. If he really wants credit for that, fine, you were faithful longer. Has he forgotten about that?

Wow, he's a textbook narcissist. Every word out of his mouth is about him and how this all affects him and how you're not catering to his wishes. The reason he's so angry is because you're taking control over your own life, WHICH IS A GOOD THING. Narcs HATE when they don't control everything.

saying he will broke after this, trying to blame the affair on me again "you ignored me for years", asking me why I forgot about the years he was faithful to me, tired of being the "bad guy" etc,

Is there a narcissist's handbook to go with the cheaters handbook?? There should be. And this should be in it.

It's actually kind of funny (I get that it doesn't seem funny to you now that you are living through this) but it did make me chuckle a little. It's just so damn typical. Seriously. Laughably so.

I'd like to join this club of you "mean" BS who "did this" to your families. I too, "chose" to D, and it is my fault we S. After all, these poor WS are really the victims, don't you think? (I hope you all know this is said with a heavy dose of sarcasm).

I denied for a long time that my STBXWH was a narc, but now I see him for what he is. It was so subtle, and hidden behind this sad, wounded little boy face that I had a hard time seeing it.

Just remember it's not you, it's not you, it's not you no matter how much your xWS wants it to be. It's just more of the delusion for a man who cannot man up. Stay strong because someone has to and then you can move onto your new life. My first H was the same...oh well.

Yep...Straight out of the cheaters handbook. The WS blames everyone but themselves for how the marriage turns out. XWH#2 had a LTA also. I tried for 3yrs to R and he just took it further underground. Of course everything wrong he did was all my fault somehow. Don't even listen to his whining. Only speak to him about divorce (or refer him to your attorney) and your child. FTG!!!

My WW moved out to an apartment, I found more evidence of her AP coming to town.

I hired an attorney, asked my wife over to discuss finances. Explained to her it would be cheapest and fastest to do a joint divorce filing.

She asked to wait 30 days to start. I caved and said yes. During our discussion she said that if we do get a divorce that my behavior is what caused it. - HUH?

How original

You are right - actions meet consequences!

My WH was a total ass after d-day. He was furious I had filed for divorce and could not understand why I didn't talk to him first. We spoke for months - me telling him I knew he was cheating and him denying it. After the filing when we would talk he'd say things like "yeah I'm the assh^le". I was like yeah you are - I was faithful and truthful while you cheated and lied. It took separating for him to believe I was serious. Now he's in full R mode and I'm just seeing what happens. Deep down I don't want D but I also know I just can't have the marriage we had before - it has got to get better. I"m giving him time to "do him" and see how he does. He knows what I expect and I expect a lot. Stay tuned.....

Good luck to you. Stay strong.

The cheater is really just a victim.