SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't think anyone is comparing the death of a child to the pain of being infidelity. I would rather deal with infidelity than that and I think everyone reading this would agree.

We are talking about the death of a the ws vs infidelity.

In my experience, the anger at god and the world and your loved one in death is just the same as it is in infidelity. Grief is grief and it's horrible. There is no way to lose someone that your heart and mind crave like no other. Betrayal is an ugly layer, but so is the finality of death. You can't compare types of grief because it all hurts so, so badly.

Peace to everyone.

It would have been SO much easier if my XWW had just died. My mother passed away a year before my DDay, and that was the worst pain I'd experienced up until then.

My X's long-term infidelity was 50 times worse. Know why? There is no deceit in death. The deceit is eviscerating.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 9:19 PM, September 29th (Friday)]

At least death is natural and part of life. No one likes it - we try to prevent - it but it would be more shocking for people to live forever. Pets die, plants die - it's a process and a cycle.

Infidelity not so much.

Infidelity just rocks your world in a brutal way. I did it to my husband and to my son - it changes how you see yourself (betrayed people), how you process the world, you rarely find peace or solace once it's been in your life. It's totally unnatural.

Hard to liken the two also because one is natural and one is man made.

comparing the death of a child to the pain of being infidelity

I was going with his opening sentence of this topic.

It seems to me, that the finality of death is easier to mentally comprehend. A finality.

I didn't feel the topic was the death of the WS, just death in general easier to comprehend.

So...I want to add my opinion here. My WH was suicidal. His brain went all wonky and he had an affair instead. Affair ends. And after years of wanting to die, for the first time ever he wanted to live. (Lots more to this of course.)

In the beginning, I wished he had just done the first action. I begged for a death -his, mine, the AP (still not out of that want!)....but now I can see that it is just pain talking.

Without him I would never have known my truth to our M, and why so many issues were really, not my fault.

Without him I would never have confronted my past, and understood so much today - which provides peace and rest I can't even begin to explain.

Without him, we wouldn't have baby number three - who completes our family in ways I also can't explain.

Yes, at the time of discovery, death would be preferred from a perspective of not having said dead person around, compared to the pain of feeling like we are dying ourselves.

Over time and healing, I am thankful to still have this person. To have this opportunity to heal. Not just from the A, but from everything that came before.

It is important because as WS's read this type of thread, perhaps they will come to the wrong conclusion. And that would be such a tragedy, because sometimes the only one who can help unravel the mess is the person who made it.

Affair or not.

Infidelity to the betrayed kills something in all of us each time we discover something new. Our trust in the person, the one person we trusted with our lives, is not who we thought he was. It IS devastating and you die a little inside each day with each discovery, even if it's in the past that it happened.

For me the difference is that infidelity is intentional. Death would hurt in indescribable ways but presumably the deceased would not have chosen to leave you. You would grieve with the halo of their love still wrapped around you.

Infidelity is a choice, and that is the difference. Still a loss, still grief, but intentionally inflicted.

And although there are similarities in loss and future, with death there is just one path forward. No fence. Plus there is support and sympathy from others.

Given the choice? I'll take door # 3 and neither, please.

Both suck, differently but the same.

I am sad today.

Divorce has finality. With my stbxw decision at MC tonight I don't have to ponder infidelity. I have divorce.

(((CATCH44)))

(((((((Catch44)))))))

I am not sure you can compare the two and everyone's experience is different. In the same way that there are different types of affairs and different types of deaths (sudden, expected...young/old)

Pain is pain. Grief is grief.

I'd have never comprehended the pain of infidelity until I experienced it.

One thing that is different for me that I cannot compare is that (in our case) the infidelity is 'secret' . We have not disclosed it to anyone. You go through this incredible pain and hurt but you can't use your support network to lean on while you grieve. I can only use therapists or the person that hurt me. It is a very lonely and confusing thing. Thank goodness for places like this.

I’m also in the camp of there is no comparison. Also, participating the “Pain Olympics” has the effect of, while not the intent, of shaming people. Besides unless you experienced both, it’s pure speculation.

My IC and I have discussed this very thing. Based on his counselling seminars and conferences infidelity is often described in the same terms as spousal death.

Many of his colleagues report infidelity is often felt as more painful because of being a deliberate act...conscious in thought and action..while death is painful it is natural...with the dying spouse not wishing to leave the surviving spouse behind.

with the dying spouse not wishing to leave the surviving spouse behind.

What if the death was a suicide and the dead spouse left no note, so you could wonder for the rest of your life if there was something you could’ve done or didn’t do that may have changed his or her mind?

My mother passed away in 2007 of stomach cancer. She was misdiagnosed and in January 07 her Dr foumd that she had stage 4 cancer and gave her 6 months to live. She passed 3 months later.

I never knew how painful infidelity was until I went through it. This has been more painful and harder to deal with than my mom's passing. People are supppsed to die, some sooner than others, but it is an inevitable part of life. Your spouse isn't suppose to betray you. I guess that is the reason why it is so much harder to deal with.

I agree death is easier to deal with because it isn't a choice (unless its suicide). Infidelity is a series of specific choices to continue to hurt us over and over and over.

IMHO infidelity is the cruelest thing that can be done to a person. I told my WH just after Dday that I wish he had have taken an actual knife and stabbed me in the heart 100 times, it would have been much less painful. He took those words really hard but I meant every single word of them.

I don't think anyone is comparing the death of a child to the pain of being infidelity. I would rather deal with infidelity than that and I think everyone reading this would agree.

I agree. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 10 things in life that I would speculate to be worse than being cheated on. But I won’t share them because:

1. As mentioned, it’s not the topic of the thread.

2. I have no personal experience in those matters, and my opinion may change if I did.

3. I do not like shaming people. Pain in relative. Stating that my pain of being cheated on is worse than the pain of losing a love one has the effect of saying, “STFU you whiny bitch, you should be thankful they didn’t cheat on you. What do you have to complain about?”

Obviously that’s extreme, but I’m making a point that these comparisons only divide people; they do nothing to bring folks together.

[This message edited by KingRat at 1:21 PM, September 30th (Saturday)]

Special circumstances always exist. My response was about what many councilors report regarding the emotions (feelings-never right and never wrong-but human generated inner experiences) of betrayed spouses. The wayward 'chooses' to leave the M either forever or if R was possible only for a limited time. But the fact is the WS made a calculated, weighted, fore-drawn conclusion to "leave". Natural death, as what I believe is the topic in this thread, is not controlled by a dying spouse...

The death of my father was easier to deal with, which was incredibly hard, because he did nothing to me but be a good father. There was no choice in the matter. Betrayal was done to me or despite me. It feels so different.

When I read the title my mind went somewhere else. I told my H more than once after Dday I wish he had died instead. I wanted to remember him as a faithful H and father. The betrayal hurt so much and I was so disappointed. My life felt like a lie and my heart was shattered. At least I could have thought I was a cherished and loved W. At least he would not

left us against his will if he had died. Plus I didn't even know who this man was. I felt like my H had died.

The death of a M is something to grieve. I feel like we are on life support with some hope to grow stronger.