SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am an intensely private person and feel very uncomfortable sharing my story here but have seen that many of you are kind, compassionate and honorable people that have been through hell and learned some valuable lessons on this topic. It is because of that, that I ask for your advice on my situation. Here it goes …

I have a wife and 3 kids. We were married in 2007. Overall good marriage and family life. I found out recently (May) through her confession during a big disagreement that she “slept” with her male supervisor while we were broken up prior to marriage. It was only 2 times in two locations while traveling for work. I was devastated as this seemed totally out of her character and I had been faithful during this time. Her story didn’t add up and I did some research and was pretty sure that her timeline and story were not the truth. I pressed for the truth and more details. 6 weeks later and after she met with our pastor, she told me that it had actually happed during a two month period very shortly AFTER we got engaged. They slept together 8 times in 4 locations … mostly out of country on business travel. She even called his wife and lied to her about the relationship. I was wrecked … lost 20+ lbs in 35 days and couldn’t sleep. Nightmares, anxiety and puking. I couldn’t imagine that this could be true … it was. He was married with a young daughter. WTF? She told me that it was the worst mistake she ever made and felt tremendous guilt … wanted to tell me for the last 10 years but was afraid to.

She insisted that she broke it off 6 months prior to our wedding and since then had only essential business related contact with him only when it was necessary … calls once or twice a year and purely professional. OK, I get that. Without her knowledge, I pulled all phone records that I could get and was able to get 2009 – 2011. I was shocked to see calls to him throughout that period. Approximately 175+ total calls and texts. 40 of them were during a work trip they were both at at a 5 star resort in Florida. Did anything sexual happen? No idea … I doubt it but hard to say. Most of the calls during that year, he didn’t answer and rarely called back. She seemed to be the one pursuing. I also found out that she went to dinner with him and another former colleague in 2012 after she just found out she was pregnant with our third. She insists this was just a friendly meeting but I found emails talking about what hotel he was staying at. My recollection is that she came home early that night and was not out late so very little chance something happened … but who knows. I also saw found two calls to him in 2015 that he did not answer.

She does not know that I know about the phone records. I am considering getting a separation agreement drawn up by an attorney prior to confronting on the contact/relationship during marriage. I want to ask for the following if we stay married: joint custody, no alimony, etc. I know it is not nearly as bad as what many here have gone through but to me, this is borderline unforgiveable unless she tells the truth and shows true remorse. Looking for advice and perspective … please help. I’m pretty sure that she will dismiss these calls as work related … even though they didn’t work for the same company and there was no reason for them. Please advise … what should I do?

In this day and age of apps and messages that don't appear on phone records it's extremely likely that the affair is still ongoing. More likely you got the sanitised version of events, they never got caught so why would they stop?

Also he may live far away but he might have also visited if their relationship was strictly a FWB type deal.

Continue to gather evidence and monitor her movements.

Banging "8" times is not a "mistake"

First I am very sorry that you have experienced such a betrayal but you have come to the right place for advice and support.

Your WW lied from the start and continued to lie to you, all the while having repeated contact via messaging,email, telephone calls and even private face to face meet ups, even when pregnant. At this point you cannot and should not believe anything she says and I think you realize this anyway. It is very interesting that she seems to be the one pursuing OM, which makes me wonder if he could possibly be the biological father for any of these children.

"She seemed to be the one pursuing. I also found out that she went to dinner with him and another former colleague in 2012 after she just found out she was pregnant with our third child"

So I suggest a DNA/paternity test. You still don't know the whole truth and you did the prudent thing by checking phone records which has revealed continued contact. This enire affair began during your engagement and during your marriage which leads me to believe it may be still going on whether it be an emotional or Physical affair at this time.

I support your plan for the separation agreement bith an attorney proior to confronting. You will receive great advice from many on this forum. The support you will receive here is wonderful.

You've gotten excellent advice so far.

You need to let this guy's wife know. DO NOT tell your W that you're going to do this, bc no matter what you think, SHE WILL:

- try to talk you out of it ("why do you want to ruin their marriage?"; "She's innocent, why make her go thru the pain that you're going thru?" and "This is between us and only us. Why involve anyone else?".

- tip the guy off that you're going to expose to his wife, giving him time to cook up a story that makes you look crazy.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:02 AM, November 3rd (Friday)]

Demand a polygraph. Do not ask. Demand.

If what she is saying is true she will jump at the chance to prove her truthfulness and put your fears to rest.

If she gets defensive, refuses, or tries to lay a guilt trip on you for wanting the test.....then buckle up.

Keep in mind that cheaters lie. There is sort of an unofficial cheaters play book. and they all seem to follow it. They will minimize, trickle out tidbits, lie by omission etc. There is a good chance that there was more going on and you must be prepared for the other shoe to drop.

Up until now she has been able to look back fondly on her little sex vacation. Now that you are aware she is of course very sorry, disgusted with her actions, and riddled with guilt. They are always so sorry after the are exposed.

She saw him while pregnant with your child. She kept in contact with him over the years. Does this sound like the actions of someone who felt guilt. She was so sorry she did it that she kept calling him?

Was there additional physical contact?

Has there been any other inappropriate contact with other men?

Are all your children biologically yours?

These are some of the questions you must have answers to before deciding to stay in a relationship with her.

Resist any temptation to think of your wife as unique. Not like other cheating women. Also do not be swayed by tears and hysterics. Resist the any knee jerk response to reconcile without knowing all the facts.

She in essence took from you the decision of wether or not to marry a cheating liar. She gets no say in how things proceed from this point on. You are in control. Stay strong.

Another thought.....

She wants you to believe this........

She told me that it was the worst mistake she ever made and felt tremendous guilt … wanted to tell me for the last 10 years but was afraid to.

Yet she did this...........

?....she went to dinner with him and another former colleague in 2012 after she just found out she was pregnant with our third. She insists this was just a friendly meeting but I found emails talking about what hotel he was staying at.

and this......

two calls to him in 2015

She kept him in her life for all these years. It must have been the crushing guilt.

What kind of wife keeps in contact with an old lover in secret? She was getting something out of it.

Her words mean NOTHING. Do not beleive anything she says that you cannot verify. If she says the sky is blue, you look out the window.

Hi, welcome to SI.

You have gotten some good advice so far.

Understand cheaters lie and lie and lie. They minimize their actions. They blameshift. They manipulate.

It does sound as though she cheated during your marriage.

Also understand cheaters can cheat anywhere, anytime of day.

Calls that went unanswered by him could have been a signal for him to call her back using a burner phone.

I would also insist on a polygraph.

After my WH A, I traveled with him a great deal or basically he didn't go. It's a cesspool out there of cheaters and inappropriate behavior. Just be warned, there might be others if she travels often.

[This message edited by annb at 5:12 AM, November 3rd (Friday)]

Double post.

[This message edited by annb at 5:09 AM, November 3rd (Friday)]

GoldenR gives you the essential advice. The affair is ongoing, there is little doubt about that. She’s not remorseful and has been lying to you all of these years has zero doubt.

Your first step is to get out of infidelity. Exposure is THE ONLY AND BEST METHOD at this point.

The reason you need to get out of infidelity is that while IN infidelity she is in control. By getting out of infidelity YOU are in control. You can get out using exposure or filing for divorce. Most recommend exposure first since you need to do it anyways and divorce takes awhile.

Again, the one takeaway that you need is that you need to be on the phone with this guy’s wife today. We have many wayward who first come here and drag their feet here. Look at ANY thread here and observe that exposure is the turning point for most. ANY thread on the largest infidelity resource on the internet.

Are they connected on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn? Those are just a few ways they could have been continuing to be in contact, not just phone records. You might want to check those, too.

When you expose, provide detailed proof. Have VARS in place--which will gauge the extent of their contact. Also, check credit card records for any unusual purchases around times of discovered contacts.

Poly a must.

180, hard.

DNA for kids.

Separation agreement; strong post-nup.

Great reminder - if she is *saying* that they are no contact then when she somehow discovers that you spoke with his wife will be 100% proof that they have been talking.

From your OpSec perspective you will also know that they was contact, so if it's not on a phone bill it confirms 100% that they have a backchannel way of talking.

I am so sorry you are here. Being here means your spouse has cheated on you. It is one of the hardest things to face. The advice you have received is great. I would suggest that you ask her to take a poly. I don't think you should believe that the affair is over.

Demand NC (no contact) from this point onward. I also if you desire, demand that she quit her job along with NC. Tell the APs wife about the affair as well. Your wife talked to her (lied about the affair) so she knows the number to contact her. She should give it to you.

Also demand transparency. She should give you passwords to all email accounts, social media accounts, and phones. Ask if she has a second or third phone. She might have a secret phone that you don't know about. And I do agree that you should get a paternity test done just to be sure. And most of all take care of yourself. Make sure you eat. Get into IC. Find someone for support. Come here for support. I will be pray

WTFOVER,

Your wife is trickle truthing you. TT. TT is when a cheater will only reveal to you what you can prove and lie abut everything else.

"Share your WS's TT stories "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612326

The physical symptoms you described about losing weight , puking and not sleeping are very normal.

Look for the thread " What physical symptoms of the A did you have?" in my list of links that I'm about to give you.

Now, I will give you my customary welcome with links that I personally believe that every newly betrayed spouse needs to be aware of.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurt you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger.

Here are the abbreviations we us here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Here is the link to the healing library. Many here will recommend that you read it.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

I don't know if this has been mentioned but there is a better than even chance that someone found out about the affair and threatened to tell you... hence you being told. You still don't have the truth... only a sanitized version.

Calls without him answering could just be a signal for him to contact her another way. Don't assume that it means she was pursuing and he didn't answer. She has lied and continues to lie. I would not take anything I see or hear from her at face value. Definitely don't' say to her that it looks like you didn't actually talk to him. She will just agree to that and hope you stop asking.

You say they no longer work at the same company. When did he leave the company? Would there really be any possible business reason to stay in touch when they were no longer working together? If she says something like "networking" ask her how that fits with this extreme guilt she felt for the A. She should have been so happy when he left the company that she didn't have to see the reminder of her guilt every day.

As others have said and many of us have seen firsthand. Confessions rarely come from guilt. They come because someone is forced or trying to get ahead of the story. I would go to the OM's wife (OBS) right now. See what she knows, show her the evidence you have. You may find out that your wife was getting ready to be exposed by her and you may also find out a lot of things you don't know.

Frankly you don't sound skeptical enough of this story. You are finding lies under every rock. You need to stop saying things like

My recollection is that she came home early that night and was not out late so very little chance something happened

There was probably plenty of time for something to have happened and your default position now should be that something did until you can prove otherwise. The email asking for his hotel you should assume it was so she could go to his room.

I'm sorry to sound harsh. It's just that there is a pattern to these things and one of the great things about this place is that there are people here that have seen the pattern and if you listen to them you can save yourself a lot of time. You won't save much pain I'm sorry to say.

As far as the attorney goes and the separation agreement I'm not sure what that accomplishes. If you really intend to separate over this why not file for D? It can always be stopped but filing for D, talking to the OBS and starting the 180 are the best ways to get yourself out of infidelity.

From what you've written I believe your observations and suspicions are correct 'WTFOVER'. It does sound like she's been pursuing him and he's possibly not been receptive. I wonder if she's telling you now because the other man's wife is tired of your wife pursuing her husband and has threatened to tell you. I too thought that my ex's behavior was out-of-character. It wasn't until I began to add her current and past actions up that I realized that I'd deceived myself all of those years. My rose-colored-glasses came flying off and I was stunned when I saw how deceived I had been. It's about you now though. You need to do what makes sense for your life. Put yourself and your kids first and place her in your mind where she should have been all along, in the trashcan. Take care of yourself 'WTFOVER'. We're all rooting for you.

Wtf,

I'm sorry you are here but I'm glad u found this forum when u did. I wish I had advice when I was in the "suspicious" phase of this crap. I had many of the same doubts that u do whether my wife was cheating or not. Surely not. I must be imagining things. I wasn't. It all came to light and sure enough I was right.

I can guarantee your wife is still involved with this guy. She started her affair before you were married and it has continued to this day. In the church where I was raised, you technically have never been married. The Catholic Church would allow you to annul the marriage. You don't have a wife, you have an imposter who has used you all these years without guilt, remorse, or empathy for you in any way.

It is very difficult for you now to comprehend this but it's true.

After 3.5 years of trying to deal with my own wife's infidelity and reading here for most of that time, my advice is to do this:

See a lawyer and get a plan together and have papers drawn up.

Expose what your wife has already told you to the om's wife

Have your wife take a polygraph. If she refuses or fails, serve her the papers on the spot and divorce immediately.

Again, I'm really sorry you're having to go thru this. All of us know how hard it is.

how would she like it if you had an A for about 10 years?

No problem?

Did she tell you that she thought you had an open marriage?

Do talk to your attorney. and then to the OM's wife and to your wife's family and your family.

How old are the kids?

DNA your kids.

File for divorce.

She has proven to be a compulsive liar and will probably never change. If you stay with her you'll constantly be wondering where she is and who with. Not worth it. Cut your losses, she is not marriage material.