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bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 12:21 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Some weeks ago I posted about problems with my sister, who had a hard time dealing with our mother's illness. With a lot of introspection and patience we fixed some of the problems. Well, the biggest problem couldn't be fixed. Our mother just died last week. She had a very aggressive non-Hodgkin lymphoma and she died within 3 weeks from the diagnosis.
My mother was 82, but very lively and active, after being a very successful CEO of a big company, she made a second career as a painter. She really was special and talented in many ways.
As anybody can imagine, a death of a parent, no matter how old she/he is, is traumatic and sad. And now I have to deal with a big disappointment on top of that. My sister and I work as freelancers with the same group of other freelancers, some of them I considered my good friends. I work with them for 25 years, my sister maybe 10 or 15.
My problem: a few of them offered condolences, none of them came to the funeral, and they didn't send any flowers or cards. Is it wrong to feel disappointed and abandoned? As an explanation maybe, the funeral was out of town, 100 miles away, but there is a great highway, you can get there in 2 hours.
Am I to sensitive, because everything is so fresh or is my disappointment valid? I just feel so abandoned.
And, the cherry on top, none of my friends came either.
I got one condolence card… from an acquaintance…
Am I just feeling sorry for myself, because I miss my mum and I'm blowing everything out of proportion? Do I feel abandoned by my mother and am projecting on my friends and coworkers?
I'm sure, somebody can set me straight.
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:07 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Awe - I am so sorry about your mom!
I would not expect my coworkers to attend my mom's funeral...but a card would be nice! You have worked with them for a long time, what is the protocol within the group? I am sure someone else's parent has died in the past 25 years, do you guys typically do stuff for each other? I would look at the precedent of the past deaths as to what the norm may be with them.
As for your friends - that I would be upset about! While I would not expect them to necessarily make the trip for the funeral, there are LOTS of ways they could show their love to you at home (cards, offers to help, dropping off a meal for you, etc).
You are not being overly sensitive. You suffered a great loss. I can't imagine how lonely the world must feel when you lose your mom.
hugs!!!
bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 1:33 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you, it depends on what the usual protocol in the group is. The thing is, a lot of my cowerker are foreigners, their parents lived in other countries so attending the funerals would be very hard and costly and we didn't attend. But we did send flowers and cards. But in my case, nothing...
Maybe they got the wrong message, because I still went to work and didn't cry histerically all the time and they thought I don't care so much. I really don' know. Some of my coworkers (this is not a large group) had some problems on their own and I was allways helping the best I could. My help was more on a emotional level, but pretty time consuming. Well, now I know, they took me for granted.
As for friends, now I see, that I don' have many. Or any as it seems. I will try not to be upset and hurt, but it's hard.
[This message edited by bookworm19 at 7:40 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Bookworm19, I'm very sorry for your loss.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
bookworm19, I don't attend funerals. It's just me. If I do so, then it dampens my memories of that person alive. I would now think of them as dead- and I prefer to remember them the last time I saw them alive.
As to cards... I don't know, but most people either are a little unsure of what to do or what to say. It can be awkward.
One last thought- not to insult anyone, but maybe they weren't as close as you thought. I'm very chummy at work but don't feel 'close' to anyone.
[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:54 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]
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"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 2:59 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
I would never expect my coworkers or even my personal friends (if they aren't close with my mom) to attend her funeral.
That being said, of course it's very natural that a traumatic event such as your mother's death would make you sensitive to a perceived slight, but I don't think that any of them should have necessarily felt led to attend---although as previous posts have said, a condolence card from the group or individual words would have certainly been appropriate.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Thanks for all replys. I will think about everything that was said. I know, that not everybody attends funerals, I respect that. I have a friend, who told me, he won't be attending, no problem. In my country (some obscure little country in Europe everybody confuses with some other country...) the customs are maybe different than in the US or orher countries.
I will obviously have to revise all my relationships, it seems like I was living in some bubble, thinking we were friends. But they were good at pretending. Doubting my judgment... it's very much like JFO. Still sad.
[This message edited by bookworm19 at 9:18 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
Jls0320 ( member #41192) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
I’m terrible with death, I’m never sure what to do or how to respond. A few year ago my very good friend lost her dad, I drove the 3 hrs to his funeral. In June my other close friend lost her dad, I definitely attended the funeral. They both attended my grandmas funeral 10 ys ago: My co worker lost his mom, I texted him that I was sorry to hear the news. I may not be good with death, but I consider myself a very compassionate person and I think about what I would want in that situation. I would be hurt, but sometimes others just don’t react well. So sorry your mom is gone 🙁
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Together 16 yrs, married 7yrs,
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smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 3:59 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
That's a tough call. With her death being so new, you are raw emotionally and therefore more sensitive.
Grief in the modern day is ridiculous. We've sanitized it and removed ourselves far from the process. IE people used to die at home surrounded by family now they die in the hospital, sometimes alone.
There were strict rules about funerals and grief (IE widows wearing black for a year, etc.) People were given the opportunity to grieve. Now you're just supposed to "get over it". I think it's the loss of those ideals and rituals that causes people to not attend, or participate.
Sad but true.
Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.
earthangel ( member #44357) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
I'm sorry for your loss and the subsequent hurt. I would have expected a card at least from the people you work with.
Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it’s bad - it's experience.
bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 6:06 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Thank you all for the replies. Everyone of you helped me to put things into perspective. I'm very grateful to have a place, where I can ask things like this and not been told 'get over it'. As a true bookworm I will now turn to my best friends, my books. This year I'm even participating in the NaNoWriMo, maybe I'll write a book about it... thanks again for everything.
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Grief in the modern day is ridiculous.
This also lead me to think how "support" is offered in today's world. Two of my Facebook friend's lost their fathers this week, there was an outpour of FB posts to them. I highly doubt a fraction of those send a card (or anything else). The ease of viral world has made many things extinct.
smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
I learned all of that from a book, whose name escapes me totally. Look on amazon for death in america. The author is a woman who had cancer etc. I think the cover is a path in the woods or path is in the title.
We've sterilized death completely. It was an amazing read.
Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.
little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 7:22 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
(((bookworm))) I'm sorry for your loss. Take some time for yourself.
Failure is success if we learn from it.
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 7:52 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
My mother passed in 2008, and she lived in a different state from me. We didn't have a funeral, but rather a memorial ceremony because she was cremated. My immediate family was there, but none of "my" friends (even though many were within a couple hours of driving distance). Nor did I get any cards or flowers sent to the service. But you know what? It didn't bother me because "my" friends were not my mother's friends. "Her" friends were there. I was surrounded by a bunch of people I didn't even know. Honestly I didn't really pay attention either as I had other things on my mind, including just the logistics of dealing with the death, service, and aftermath. My father was sent the cards, as it should have been. Hell, my mom's own brother didn't attend (but my uncle is a dirtbag so probably a good thing). But I had my brother and we were there for each other, and both of us were there for my dad. That's all that really mattered to me.
Everyone handles death differently, but this:
maybe they weren't as close as you thought
Or maybe they were at a loss of what to say, or are uncomfortable with death, or just have really busy lives, or... See? There could be a myriad of explanations.
Regardless of how they reacted, *I* am so sorry for your loss.
((bookworm))
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bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 9:07 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Thank you for your replies, you helped me all to step back a little and see the big picture. I really have to revise my understanding of true friendship. Although I tend not to have big expectations concerning the actions of others, sometimes you just can't help but get your hopes up. The thing is, my coworkers/friends were talking about coming to the funeral, it is not that they are 'death shy' or awkward, but then they obviously changed their minds and didn't show up. Without any real explanation.
Well, I decided, I will take what I can get, and I got a lot of hugs here on SI. And because I don't like being touched, the virtual hugs are the best anyway.
And Smokenfire, thanks for book recommendation, I will look it up.
Thank you for all the hugs and support.
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 10:01 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
(((((bookworm)))))) I'm so sorry for your loss, honey.
My advice is to sit with the feelings and see where they sift out after a while.
Grief does a number on us in so many ways, and it may be best to wait on making any judgments until the immediate swirl of emotions subsides a bit.
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
bookworm19 (original poster member #54871) posted at 10:47 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Thanks, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Wait and see how I feel in a while. And meanwhile do some reading and meditating. It's almost midnight here and a book is waiting to be read.
[This message edited by bookworm19 at 4:47 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings, given the fact that you considered these people close friends.
The only person you can change is yourself.
minusone ( member #50175) posted at 12:52 AM on Friday, November 17th, 2017
((bookworm19)) I am so sorry for your loss.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou
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