SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'd appreciate a male perspective a lot on this topic.

Men in relationships who have female friends - talk to me about this. Is this normal? What's the nature of relationship? Do you feel like there's an underlying sexual attraction on either side? Does your SO feel ok with the friendship(s)?

I am interested in general discussion/thoughts/experiences/etc on this. There's a real life situation spurring this but I'm not sure I have a specific question but just gauging what is normal/typical.

I think most men have a difficult time with having close, platonic female friends. A lot of men can't help but think of what an intimate relationship would be, even if they'd never act on it.

I have female friends and we'll have lunch occasionally, but nothing more than that. And I tell my GF of such encounters.

I do have some guy friends who are truly capable of having purely platonic relationships and can separate women with whom they'd consider a romantic/sexual relationship with women that are truly just friends. I think that's healthy, but rare.

I have some friendships with women. Mostly, they revolve around activities.

I do have a couple of female friends that I find attractive. I am not sure if the feeling is reciprocal as I have never brought it up.

I am divorcing. My SO was not ok with my friendships with women that weren't mutual friends, but I believe a lot of that was due to projection, because she was screwing everybody.

I work in a female dominated industry, and as a result, most of my best friends are women. There are no romantic feelings, probably in either direction, but I am more cognizant of boundaries around them than I am with my male friends.

I'm not in a relationship, but if I was, she would have to be OK with these friendships or it wouldn't work. These are people I have been close with for years, and I value their friendship very much.

[This message edited by h0peless at 11:12 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

The only female friends I have allowed myself to have in the past are females who are (were) friends of both my WS and me. I would never meet with any of them alone.

I have female acquaintances that I do business with or female employees I work with, but I never socialize privately with any of them.

I think close friends of the opposite sex can lead to trouble.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:08 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Interesting question.

I grew up in a very, very small town. When i was young a had alot of female friends. By the time i was in my early 20's i would say that alot of them were both me and my ex's friends. I never did activities with them alone...

By the time I was in my mid to late 20's i would say alot of those friendships kind of went by the wayside. Just everyone growning up and moving on with life.

At this point i have no female "friends" i have a few women that are friends of my SO that i have become friends with i guess, she calls them our friends, but i would never meet with them alone or anything like that.

Personally as a BS after what i went through i just feel that it is a line that i won't/don't cross.

My SO has a couple of friends that are men. I am not a huge fan of this. She understands this. I have met them and her interactions with them are fairly minimal at this point.

I am fine with knowing them, we all get togther sometimes etc. She didn't really see it the same way at first. But after i explained it to her more she gets it now. Because she never went through what i went through her thinking is just like mine was before i did....Which is of course its fine and no worries, why would it be...lol...

In short, i am not a fan going both ways.

To answer the sexual attraction part. Their are plenty of women that i found sexually attractive that i was friends with. But i never acted on anything because i valued our friendship. I could separate in my mind just fine. It was kinda a thought of....if i was single and so was she and she tried to jump me i probably wouldn't stop her....Not a OMG i gotta have her type of attraction.

Now, i just stay away from all of it. Life is simpler that way. Self enforced boundary. I don't want my SO to feel insecure or disrespected in any way.

I will say that I would have a problem with SO being friends with the opposite sex now. Before XWH#2's LTA, I never had a problem with it. He would always tell me if he was going to lunch with an old friend and then he would share what was said. That was until he started hooking up with an old FWB's he had before I knew him. He never mentioned her except when talking about other female friends, so I was none the wiser. I trusted him and thought that our relationship was solid. I was literally shocked when I found out about the LTA.

SO had a few girl friends before we met. I let him know that I no longer felt comfortable with him remaining friends with them unless they wanted to be "our" friends. Although I trust SO, I think that friends of the opposite sex is just asking for trouble and the partner needs to be aware of it. I have only had one guy friend in all my years that did not try to cross boundaries one way or another so I do not have guy friends of my own. I have lost some friends over the years because their BF's/husband's tried to cross the line and I told my friends, so it can go both way's.

I just want to add a woman's perspective. I have many platonic male friends and have for most of my life. Right now I am involved with the music scene in my city and it is mostly men. I don't drink so I drive a lot of them home at the end of the night. I make sure to introduce myself to their wives/girlfriends when they are around as I never want anyone to believe that I am the type of person who would cross a line. Also, I have never had any of my male friends who was in a relationship say or do anything that was inappropriate. If one did, I would put him in his place very quickly.

I have another friend, who I spend a lot of time alone with. It did start with us dating and having a sexual relationship. We are not right as a couple, we have very different goals for our futures. We have remained very good friends, my family have taken him in as his family doesn't live here. Once we called off the dating relationship, we both set our boundaries and there has never been an issue. We watch a lot of movies and my daughter really likes having him around, as he is very funny. He is now dating someone and we had a discussion very early on that he would always be honest with her when he was hanging out with me. He said he would never even think about lying to her. I haven't met her yet, as she doesn't live in the same city, but he has been texting me while with her, and she will take his phone and reply to me too. She knows our history and she understands that we are only friends.

Honestly, if I meet someone, he would have to be ok with me having male friends as that is who I spend most of my free time with. Again with complete honesty and healthy boundaries. I live by the motto, "If I wouldn't do this in front of my partner, it's not ok to do when he's not here."

I've always had female friends. I can't relate to most men - I find them crude, brutish, and very immature.

There is never an undercurrent of sexual tension in any of those friendships. Primarily, that's because I have no libido (and never did), but also because I don't try to make platonic relationships into something else and there are definite boundaries I won't cross. Thirdly, my female friends know me well enough to know that I am not now nor ever would be a viable option for sex, no matter how hard up they got to be.

We all know that there is truth in humor. So as Chris Rock said, "men don't have platonic friends. we just have women that we haven't fucked yet!"

"If I wouldn't do this in front of my partner, it's not ok to do when he's not here."

This is a great motto and the simplest explanation I've ever seen for boundaries.

My BF has lots of female friends. I never once ever considered his friendships inappropriate. His behavior with them is not any different than with the guys and they have taken me into their hearts and given me the same friendship they have with him. It's lovely actually to know that so many people care for him. My WXH had no close friends.

Posting as a female ( )

My ex never had many friends. He worked in a female dominated field and I really never worried about women at work because I trusted him. He had his A with a female coworker.

I have always had male friend, especially I think because my older brothers are close in age to me so relating to males my age in a friendly or brotherly way wasn’t weird for me. I have only a few times had attraction to a male friend but always valued the friendship so much I didn’t cross those lines.

I have had a few male friends express interest in me in my lifetime, but they never crossed any lines. My boundaries with men who are in relationships tend to be very solid so maybe that’s why?

I absolutely believe women can have male friends they aren’t secretly trying to seduce. Men probably (I would say definitely but I am not a man) can have the same with women. But if a friendship makes your SO uncomfortable it needs to be addressed.

On the other hand, me EXWH was SUPER possessive and jealous over male friends so over the years with him I cut them all out except a few who were married to my female friends and with whom he was also friends. So for me, someone asking me to end a genuine friendship where I have no underlying romantic interest is a red flag of someone who may be too jealous, insecure, or possessive. But that’s just me.

I write, record and perform music in my non-work life. I sometimes have women come over alone to record their music (or help on mine). I always encourage them to bring their SO or a friend. This is to set them at ease and to make sure they understand exactly what the working relationship is about and what my intentions are not. They seldom take me up on it, but I think it has value regardless. This is the only time I meet with women alone and not in public. Establishing boundaries is important.

I also don't friendly hug women unless they gesture for it first. A hand shake is my default move unless we've established a friendly hug thing already.

I get along well with women, since I have four sisters. Nevertheless, I don't want to make any woman feel uncomfortable and take pains to clearly establish boundaries. Similarly, in romantic relationships, I need a high wattage green light before making any physical moves.

I personally do not have male friends. My exwh had 1 of his As with a co-worker who was just a friend I have had some co-worker male friends in my single days but not while in Rs. Guess after being a BS I can't stomach it.

Current bf had a female bff who I now know but believe she wanted more as told by many who know her. BF doesn't see it at all. Wish he was better at seeing when women are interested etc. She has not dated anyone since we got together either. I believe she was hoping they'd be an item one day. Anyway, everyone has different views and experiences so this is just my opinion

I'm female, but I have always had loads of male friends, which my X did not like. He always thought I wanted to hook up with them (funny, isn't it?).

I thought it was funny seeing how many people here said that they are part of the local music scene so therefore they interact with lots of different people. I have the same thing. I work with lots of bands and people. We have fun together. We hang out. But we never cross any boundaries that should not be crossed.

Some people can handle these relationships, some cannot.

I don't have any true female friends. I do have female acquaintances or coworkers. I do not interact with them outside of a business setting. I would also consider some of my friends wives to be my 'friend' too, but I would never do anything alone with them either.

Why? I'm a fucking guy! I like doing guy shit. Shooting guns, drinking whiskey, smoking cigars, playing golf for money (with a lot of trash talking), riding motorcycles, hiking\camping, fast cars and working on them, combat sports, building stuff, lifting heavy things, mountain biking, shooting feathered or furry forest creatures and eating them after they've been cooked over a fire. Most women aren't into the same stuff as me, and if they were, I don't think I would find them attractive. I like feminine women. A woman in the group totally changes the dynamic too.

Don't get me wrong, I love women. I enjoy their company, when it's in the right context. I would never spend significant amounts of time with a woman if I wasn't interested in a relationship with her.

I think the only female friends that I've ever had, I had an ulterior motive of wanting to be more than that with them. But, I've not had many female friends, the handful of ones I'd consider actual friends I've been in romantic relationships with. So I usually just avoid most women when I'm in a relationship. Its seems to be a good way to sidestep any possible screw ups.

Thanks so much for all the insights and varying perspectives. It's one thing I really value about this board/site.

I've been seeing someone and his female "friends" have been a sore spot for me. They are generally women he's known for years, range from women he only has contact with on FB to text messages but doesn't spend time with any of them on any sort of regular basis and never spends time alone but in group settings.

For example, a few weeks ago he got a text from a woman he's known for years inviting him out to the bar with a few other friends. He didn't go because he was tired and had to get up early, but may have otherwise. I had my kids that night so me joining wasn't an option if he had gone. I just struggle with him getting texts and FB messages from women - he claims they are just friends but I have had a lot of men lie about that very thing. Which isn't exactly fair to him, since he could be telling the truth and he isn't those other guys. But it's just a gut reaction when I see/hear about a woman reaching out to him it equates to trouble in my head.

IfYouCanDream,

Even if he's totally above board and pursuing truly platonic friendships (which i believe is possible for some men), you need to gauge your comfort level with it. if it triggers you and causes you angst, that's not irrelevant.

So as Chris Rock said, "men don't have platonic friends. we just have women that we haven't fucked yet!"

For the most part I've found this to be true. 10 years ago I would have said I had a number of great platonic guy friends but all but one of them eventually made a pass at me. My lone male friend is far away, we text now and then, occasionally talk about some deep stuff but boundaries have never been pushed and we both support each others' relationships and are friends with the spouse/SO... If I could find another friend like that, it would be great, but weeding through 9 guys with ulterior motives to get to 1 who would be a friend is just too much risk to my current relationship.

Male acquaintances are different, because everyone can keep their distance.