SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Casey, my wife was what most would call a perfect wife. There were underlying issues with sexual intimacy that hindered her because of abuse in the past. We were married for 10 years and then she got into an affair with a 2x convicted child molester. That morphed into a swinger's lifestyle and to the point she cheated on the cheater with other men too. It took about 4 months for her to stop cheating and then another year for her to stop breaching NC. After D-day all manner of venom came out of her mouth about me, to me and all manner of accusations. I told her that I loved her but I don't share and that while she's under the same roof, I would do everything I could to stop her from cheating and out her. Every time I contacted an OM (4 times), she became full of rage. I've been bitten, clawed, punched in the nose, clubbed in the head with a candlestick, attempted stabbing with a pen etc... She said she hated me, NEVER loved me, was forced to marry me etc...

We are now in reconciliation and have been for a year. She now has the gleam of admiration and love in her eyes when she looks at me. The innocence is back. She's doing the hard thing, we're in IC and MC and she is who I married and knew over a decade before her infidelity.

She opened up to me and told me why she said those things... that she really felt at the time. She said the guilt of what she did was unbearable and she couldn't stand to look at me because it was a reminder of what she did and what she in her mind had become. She didn't feel there was any going back. She said the high she got when she was cheating was more than she could get in marriage because of the hormones AND the adrenaline. She had tasted the forbidden fruit and they don't call it fruit for nothing. She said to justify herself doing what she did, she had to amplify every wrong thing I did to justify it in her head and convinced herself that she wasn't happy. She said that is the true issue of cheating... its a lie wrapped in a beautiful package full of rotten flesh.

Everyone is giving right advice about getting her out of the fog but many people differ on the way to do it. I knew my situation was unique. I knew this was not the woman I married. Your wife is a teacher, that means she's not after money and probably has a very big heart like mine does who also graduated with elementary education degree.

I looked at this as a drug addict and the method for handling it too. The source of the drug is removed, they're outed to their closest friends and family and they go into rehab separating themselves from bad influences.

You need to tell the OM's spouse. She has a right to know. Her husband is in the military and if he's willing to cheat on one, how many others are out there. Would to God I wished I found out about my wife's infidelity before she started branching out into swinging. You see, by keeping "HER" secret, you are buying into her lie that she has sold herself... that this life can continue.

You can make it through this but you are on a long road regardless of what you decide. I was airborne in the military and am a firearms instructor and a penetration tester. Competed in triathlons etc... How can I compete with a 2x convicted child molester??? Do you know how low that makes me feel? I still wonder if I'm first choice or if she just felt obligated to stay with me and make the best of it. I do feel that I made the right decision for the sake of my children but it was at the expense to my emotional feelings. Will that change? Time will tell. Although she has the gleam in her eye, mine are hurt and I wonder if she's just going through a phase or giving it the good effort only to throw it away later. She stole all my hopes and dreams of having a happy, whole family and it will take years to regain alot of that.

He did contact the OM's girlfriend. They are apparently broken up.

The one-million-dollar question Casey has been asked but has never answered:

Within a few hours of Casey talking to OM ex girl-friend Mrs. Casey told Casey she knew he had been in contact with her. How did that circle close?

Ps. Jduff – friend – that link refers to a case where a superior officer was fiddling with the wife of a man in his chain-of-command. Both military. Basically, a lot like a manager doing his subordinate, and that’s usually a firing-offense and a military offense. Neither Casey nor his wife are military. I did point that out early that since neither is military it’s unlikely to have consequences. But I have also suggested Casey sustains this threat, only not expect any defining result.

The only way I see the military going after the AP is if his commander gives him an order to end the affair and to not contact her again. If he then disobeyed that order then he would be violating a order from officer and could be punished for that.

Casey,

Regarding Plan A, Plan B, Plan...alphabet soup: You and your daughter are Plan A. A lot of the rest you can't control: the military, your W, OM.

I posted before about adopting a strategic view and always testing your tactical plan(s) against it. Make Plan A, you and your daughter's well being, your strategic goal. You've done so well. You were brought into the Infidelity ER bleeding out. You got the blood flow staunch so you were out of immediate danger and you moved to IC. Things have been put in place to guide your healing. Great Mom, family support team. SI team cheering you on or giving you a little Nerf 2x4 PT.

Focus on Plan A.

Take this for what it's worth. Spoke to one of my best friends about this situation and to get his opinion (he was in the military for 30 yrs --high ranking).

He pretty much said what farside said (that it will come down to who and what OM is). If he isn't well thought of they'll pursue this. He also said it depends on who his commander is. What if this guy has experienced infidelity in his own life (or someone close to him has).

I asked my friend is there anything else a BS could do that might persuade you to take action and to try to nip this in the bud? He paused for a bit, and said he could only speak for himself, but he said that one thing that might piss him off and go after OM would be to send a picture of your daughter. Seeing one of the innocent victims in this cluster fuck (in this case a little innocent girl) would piss him off. The military should be about integrity and trying to protect innocent people and NOT fucking around with a married woman who has a young daughter.

Just thought I'd share what my friend had to say.

Casey:

Either way, give the military what they are asking for.

Even if he is fairly certain his chain of command will look the other way, it never hurts to sweat him even if just a little bit. Don't allow him to be comfortable in your discomfort.

You're doing well so far Casey.

Don't let up on the AP. Get the information to the military as soon as you can. Regardless of the results, it will make a statement to the AP that you are not to be messed with and it will always be in the back of his mind if he spends any time around your daughter. Consider it insurance that your daughter is treated well.

Also go through with the divorce. Don't let up on your WW and don't ever allow her to think that you want to R. You must allow her to come to you with the idea to R. And if she does come to you, take a few days to think about it before giving her an answer either way. Make her wait for your decision and then preface any positive response with conditions that she has to meet.

Always keep control of your life and future. Keep control of your daughter's future.

You've got a great future ahead of you. There are many fabulous women out there who don't carry the baggage that your WW has. This is your opportunity to be free to pursue your dreams and achieve your potential without your WW holding you back. Take care of yourself.

Casey,

You are young in your marriage. Your wife should be about the family unit. Not about OM.

I am sorry you are dealing with this but she is not marriage material. There should be no OM and now your DD will be exposed to this guy whether you fake a reconciliation or not.

Your wife showed you her hand. You made the best effort. She doesn't give a fuck.

Protect yourself, your daughter and move on.

My buddy Dan(who went through this to the exact 'T') tells me the only time his daughter has peace is when she's away from the OM and Mom. I know it's not always that way (qualification over, most times it probably is better to keep your kids away from cheating assholes)but I sense it here.

Your wife fucked up your marriage and your kid's welfare.

Go to war and get what you can. That's all you can do at this point and if I get attacked for this, screw my attackers.

I am here for you. To me, it's your best way forward.

Sounds like it is to your Mom too. Just saying ...

Hi Friends,

Big day for Casey today. The biggest step towards getting out of infidelity yet. Today Casey took DD to daycare and went to work while his WW moved out of their home. She is in an apartment nearby. They have a custody schedule all worked out. He is filing the divorce papers very soon. Tomorrow his Father and I are heading to his house for the weekend. It’s about 11/2 hour drive. We want to show emotional support, be there for him and help him get the house reorganized, put his own touch on the decor, maybe move some furniture around. He’s talking about painting a wall a nice accent color ☺️. As WW took the big screen tv, we went to Best Buy last night and bought him a new one, as an early Christmas present. We also got him all new bedding set in a nice masculine color scheme to redecorate his bedroom. Today he submitted proof of the ongoing A to the military, so that item is checked off and out of his hands. Tomorrow night we are babysitting DD so he can go to a holiday hip hop concert with his roommates and he invited a friend to take his WW’ s ticket, as they bought tickets before this all happened. Tonight I’m deeply saddened, of course, about all that has transpired over the last two weeks. Without the support of SI, I don’t think Casey could’ve been this far along in this process. Even with everything on his plate today, he texted me to see how I was doing. He has a long road ahead but he is a high caliber of man and will be better off in the long run.

more than anything your emotional support by being with him count the most at this time. strong mind Casey, you do not need someone who is delusional and has poor bounderies and morals.

Casey's mum, I have not posted before as Casey got excellent advice from the other posters.

As a mum myself, I want to say that you are an inspiration to me. I also have a son and I hope that I will be like you and help him in the future when hard times come by.

You and your husband have supported Casey when he needed it most-that is what we parents are here for.

I wish Casey all the best, he seems like a great man. Love him and support him. Enjoy the time with your grand daughter.

The worst is over. I am sure with time he will meet someone on his level of intelligence and with the same moral values.

All the best.

Hey Buddy, just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing?

Casey, I think you are doing an awesome job! And your parents are amazing! I wish I would have had the support that you do with your parents.

You are young in your marriage. Your wife should be about the family unit. Not about OM.

I am sorry you are dealing with this but she is not marriage material. There should be no OM and now your DD will be exposed to this guy whether you fake a reconciliation or not.

Your wife showed you her hand. You made the best effort. She doesn't give a fuck.

Protect yourself, your daughter and move on.

I know you are right. Letting go is not easy, but it is my best path forward.

I have been doing pretty well the past few days. Actually allowing myself to enjoy, just a little bit, some of the "freedoms," like not worrying about heading home at a certain time, and having the evenings to myself to read (which is difficult to focus on, but I try) and cook and go to the gym. It was so great to have my parents here over the weekend to get my house in shape after WW moved out. I have been keeping the place very tidy, making my bed every day, and it feels nice to have a clean peaceful place. Next I need to get a box and go through the house, packing up everything that reminds me of WW. I won't burn it all yet...but at least pack it away out of sight.

As I talk to more people, like our friends, I have been getting pretty pissed off that my wife continues to peddle her foggy lies about the marriage being unhappy, her planning to leave me for a while now, and how she has no love for me anymore. I talked to her best friend on the phone yesterday, and it was essentially just like talking to my WW... she has bought in to all the lies. She said my wife is doing "totally fine" and that it is best if I start to move on. Her best friend is a person of very high standards and morals, so very disappointing that she is not holding WW accountable at all. After we talked, I emailed her a lot of the gritty details of the A that WW clearly is sugarcoating and glossing over.

I saw my attorney last night to review the divorce papers, and I am officially filing them with the court tomorrow at 8:30am. I will re-read this thread if I am starting to have any second thoughts!

The roller coaster is difficult... I sometimes drift back to thinking about "how can I break the fog and convince her that she is making a horrible mistake?" But then I remind myself, there are so many better women I could be with. Even if she ever wanted to try R, why should I give her the time of day? My daughter is probably the only answer, and the only reason I can't fully close that door... at least not yet. At the same time, I do admire the stories like H3LLO's that you posted. Sometimes R can happen, and people come out of the fog. But I am not holding my breath with my WW. She seems too far gone, and with him being gone for 10 months, the fantasy will likely continue until he returns and they try this thing together that we call "real life." By then, there's a great chance I will be happily in a new relationship.

Speaking of reading... does anyone have any good book recommendations? Something to help me with recovery, moving on, etc., or any other good books that I might enjoy given my current situation?

When will the fog break?

When reality hits.

And it will hit like a tsunami.

Her best friend is a person of very high standards and morals, so very disappointing that she is not holding WW accountable at all. After we talked, I emailed her a lot of the gritty details of the A that WW clearly is sugarcoating and glossing over.

Nope, she has zero morals and you'd be smart to cut people like that out of your life.

Wrong book recommendation. Sorry.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:55 PM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

There is no fog. Only the outcomes as a result of the choices she makes.

She knows she's lying to herself and whomever else will listen. This is the price she pays for building the current fantasy she surrounds herself with.

It truly doesn't matter when or if the fantasy will collapse, all that matters is that she doesn't drag you into fighting trying to get her to acknowledge a falsehood a grown woman knows she's nurturing.

If it wasn't sad it would be comical. Like trying to convince someone who tells you the sky is yellow that it's blue.

You get out of this and leave her to her fantasies and falsehoods.