SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As long as Casey is getting advice from an attorney then let‘s HOPE his wife is being guided by some soldier based in Kuwait. I’m just not that optimistic.

Since Casey has decided to divorce there aren’t any two men fighting over WW. There is only one. Based on stats about relationships that begin in infidelity then chances are that within six months there will be none. But hopefully Casey will be too busy defining his own life to have time to waste on popcorn and enjoying his ex-wife’s misery.

@Bigger, tried to send you a PM but don’t have member status so I couldn’t

I just wanted to say thank you, you are a strong voice of reason and are having a big impact. Even if not on Casey, on me.

I am working on contacting lawyers today. I am preparing for the worst, but still hoping for things to be peaceful. I have to keep telling myself that I don't know who this monster WW is--she is not the woman I know and married, so I don't know what she is capable of with the AP guiding her along. But I hold a lot of cards, and am prepared to play them as needed. Last night, my WW offered me time with our daughter, even though it is her day, and she just left her with me for 1.5 hours to put her to bed, brush her teeth, read to her, etc. WW seemed stressed by a full day with our daughter and seemed relieved to pass her off to me. It makes me question her ability to provide optimal care for DD. Is she going to make sure she brushes her teeth, engages in educational activities, and eats healthy, or is she just going to sit her in front of a movie while she texts with her new obsession? Tomorrow we are going to talk, and I am going to offer to keep our DD for more than 50% of the time if she is not able to handle it. That will also give me another card to play in the future if things get ugly and custody is called into question.

Best revenge ever? Imagine your WW dropping by to pick up DD. Her key doesn’t work because you changed locks (and you did so legally after she agreed to you having prime-residence and/or keeping the house). You open the door and let her in. She notices everything is clean and organized. She notices that you have painted that wall gray, the one that was peach because she likes peach. She notices the pictures from the marriage are gone. She notices that you moved the couch. She notices DD is ready and all her stuff organized in the overnight-bag. She notices DD is clean, tidy and happy. She notices you are clean, groomed, and look OK.

She asks how you are doing. “Great”.

She asks that you stop telling others about the affair. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I think stakeholders to the marriage (friends, family…) deserve to know the truth if they ask, that’s all.”

She wants to linger on. “Here is DD, here is her stuff. I will pick her up at XX at the agreed upon time. Please – I have plans and need to be elsewhere.”

This is perfect. Yes, that would be the best revenge. While I will continue to hold people accountable for their actions, finding my own happiness again, in time, will be a top focus.

Last night I sent the email to her parents. I kept things very respectful and matter-of-fact, told them how much I appreciate what they have done for us, and that I always want them to be two of the most important people in DD's life. I also told them all the details of the affair, and what I have learned about the AP. My WW's mom responded, and I don't think she was a fan of my email. She was respectful in her reply, but cold, and basically said my email is divisive and they don't want to take sides but just to be there to support us both. My WW's mom is a very strong personality, and does not like being told what to do or how to act. But at least the information is out there now, and they can choose what they want to do with it, as far as offering financial support.

I also contacted my wife's co-teacher this morning. There are two teachers in her classroom, co-teaching a class of 34 students. I told her the details of the affair, that it is with the parent of a student, and the timeline of the A. This will probably piss my wife off, because she is so panicked about losing her job, but the co-teacher definitely had the right to know.

And I will not be dropping the military complaint. I decided this is an important piece of leverage, and the best case scenario is it results in the AP ending the affair and eliminating the risk that I will ever have to deal with him being involved in my DD's life. The benefits outweigh the costs.

Good decision to keep up the report to the military.

You are handling this mess as well as you can.

Keep going and getting yourself out of infidelity.

Tomorrow we are going to talk, and I am going to offer to keep our DD for more than 50% of the time if she is not able to handle it.

Carefully, cautiously word this. You can't control her reaction however you don't want her to have reason to say you are trying to "take DD away from me".

Trying rephrasing as, "I can always adjust my schedule to take DD for those times when you are not able".

This does bring up custodial issues whether or not this whole thing goes sideways: In any separation Agreement/Temporary Orders/Divorce Terms work in the right of first refusal for yourself. She may balk, instead wanting her parents to provide coverage on her days.

Document all of your time now. And the times she didn't take her parenting time. Even start writing down all of your parental involvement pre-A. 'Cause you never know...

I hear what you are saying about MIL. Reaction may be fed by what your WW has told them. Likely they will believe and support any history rewriting she does. Characterizing your email as "divisive" is not a good sign that the parents (at least the MIL) is neutral.

Bigger nothing was mentioned about "enjoying his wife's misery" but rather to "watch it play out".

Hi, Casey, you are doing great considering the bomb being dropped on your life.

Always keep in mind, especially in the present, that your wife is now enemy #1. You cannot predict what she will do. She is a proven liar, and she will more than likely lie to manipulate the situation.

Meet with several attorneys and follow their advice. Your daughter's future is at stake, she needs one parent who truly has her best interests at heart.

So far so good, Casey. The only exception I have is you telling her team members, but if you felt it was the right thing to do then make sure you run it by your attorney first next time.

My XW is a teacher. Although she did not have an A with a parent (That I know of) she had an A with a father of the children that was on the same sports teams as both my DS's. She did confide her A with her teachers assistant. She teaches in a district where parents are very "hands on" so the PTA there is quite powerful. It didn't take long for the parents at her school to know. They were leaving articles on her car windshield wipers about how affairs destroy families. She was very shaken from that experience, but not enough to break her fog. Just took things further underground. Believe me, people at your WWs school vrry likely already know about her A. It's probably been broadcast on "momma-chat". No, my XW did not get fired but it may have stunted her career. She definitely has a reputation among the parents now.

My XW also wanted to do things "amicably" and "without attorneys". Little did I know after this discussion she quietly filed for divorce but delayed the petition service. Where I am, you have 30 days to respond to a petition or get default judgement, which is basically everything the petitioner wants. I'm guessing she had the hairbrained scheme to try and pull a fast one on me until I hired my own attorney. The very first thing he did was search the docket online and found her petition, then officially responded to it with a counter claim. So, I'm very glad to hear you retained an attorney. It is the smartest move you made thus far for you and your DD's best interest.

Remember this, Casey. The best revenge of all is a life well lived. I am doing this right now. I remarried to a much better woman with much better in-laws. My wife brings into our family a son from her previous relationship (also ended from his father's infidelity) and with my two sons our family grew. We have a stable home and stable family unit. All of our boys have flourished in school and activities, even my new wife and I have shared custody with the other parent. I even get along with my stepson's father. He remarried and changed his ways. My XW, however, still lives in an apartment complex and her lot has not improved in the near 5 yrs since our D. She remained there, pining away at the OM while he dated 1 single mom and 2 supposedly "separated" moms and now those two love turds recently found each other again. She told me soon after my Dday that she never loved me in our 17yrs of M together, that she settled with me. Today, she has settled on a POSOM with a middle school only education and former drug user who cheated previously in his last M and has physically abused his teen daughter (all info shared to me by the OBS). I know I project with my own experience but one thing you learn here is that waywards affair down as so in my case, many BS cases here, and certainly in your case.

Also, thank you for keeping the complaint filed on the POSOM. Hopefully, not only does he bail from the situation entirely but that he learns to quit using his pecker as a homewrecker.

One more thing, Casey. With your first thread you have helped me see my past situation in a light I have not considered, that my XW possibly felt that she could not measure up to my own accomplishments and successes. I certainly knew she tried measuring up to others (like her succesful older sister) but maybe at one point her percieved low self worth was blame focused right on to me thid entire time. I find this concept especially fascinating and worth exploration.

You are putting on an absolute clinic!!!!

Text book.

Hope co-teacher light a fire. In case it happened and WW asked yoyu pretend like you even did not think about telling her out of embarrasement.

Tomorrow we are going to talk, and I am going to offer to keep our DD for more than 50% of the time if she is not able to handle it.

Casey, is it more likely she would agree or is it more likely she'll get defensive and paranoid? You want WW to drop your daughter off early if she can't take care of her. She probably won't do that if she's worried you're trying to get custody.

It might be best for now to help her feel comfortable giving you DD more often than not. Keep track. You can use your records to request a modification down the road. But you have to do what you feel is best ... and so far, you've been doing a pretty good job!

It is a tough situation. Good luck.

I generally advise the BH to file for the following reasons.

You are responsible for half of the marriage debt. Don:t pay for her to set up her life with OM.

She can legally leave with the kids. That is not to say you can not get them back but it can e costly.

Filing can be a safeguard against false charges. You also get an opportunity to control the dialog and court venue.

This will probably piss my wife off, because she is so panicked about losing her job, >>

But she wasn't panicked enough not to cheat though. Cheaters destroy families, friendships, and careers then get pissed from the fallout. Please be careful with your next meet. Var and anticipate her bringing drama. Shields up, your doing great.

Your actions so far are commendable. Especially in realizing the need for accountability and consequences for her actions. She had an accountability to her work, and to you and DD. Prior to your last post, she was facing very little consequences for abuse of either. In fact you and DD would of been the only ones facing life changing consequences, if you had not done what you did.

Now when you have any adverse remarks said about why you did what you did, you can state that you were righting accountability and consequence. That it was not right that you and DD pay the consequences for her lack of accountability, while she gets to ride off into the sunset 'scott free'.

Your actions thus far, is laying the consequence back at her own feet.

Although, it will in no way recompense for any hurt or other adverse feelings that she has caused either one of you. it helps in making some balance.

Hopefully this helps as you move forward.

I agree with bigger.

Don't drop the military. But don't expect much just because they can do something doesn't mean they will. But its also pressure.

I think you are doing really well in your route out of infidelity. Don't live for revenge because the best revenge is a life happily lived without her.

Hi, Casey, please check in if you can.

Hope you are ok despite living with this pain.

Thanks for checking in. Yesterday I prepared all the divorce papers, and I am working with my attorney to have those reviewed before this weekend so I can have her served with the papers while she is in the process of moving to her apartment. As a law school grad, I can prepare most everything on my own, and I have my attorney on retainer to review everything, and waiting in the wings just in case anything unexpected/sneaky comes up.

I am starting to find out that moving on is a lot easier said than done. I have been maintaining the 180 for the most part, and it is agonizing still having my wife in the house. But last night, I wrote my wife this long email telling her that we are meant to be together, that we can still work things out, that this happened for a reason to test us and make our marriage stronger, etc. etc. Luckily, I did not press send.

Today, I was thinking about how this happened, and realized that there was, in a way, a perfect storm of conditions that led to the A. I am not justifying anything, just forming an understanding. The most important factors that I believe caused the A are:

1. My WW's co-teacher (CT). She is one of her closest friends, and someone she works with every day. The CT has a lot of issues, is always fighting with her husband, and has always tried to convince my WW that she is not happy, and that she has issues that are not really there. Right before the A started, CT took my WW to an astrology reading, where they analyzed my wife's life and told her about her issues and future. I think they must have told her about how she is lacking intimacy, that her relationship is bad, or something along those lines. And the CT's influence finally rubbed off on her and made her question things. The CT is toxic. The CT also told her that sometimes you need to drop a bomb in your life to figure out who you really are.

2. WW's mother. I can't remember if I already mentioned this anywhere on this thread, but her mother has told her on several occasions that if you ever have an affair, don't tell the other person because it is selfish and will only cause pain. Her mother also had an affair herself with my WW's dad, and they are still together. All of this legitimized the idea of having an A to my WW! Her mother is also very prideful and stubborn, which may be contributing to her refusal to give up the A now that she has been caught. And finally, my WW did not grow up with traditional family dynamics. Her father is basically a doormat who is very quiet, never speaks up about anything, and never taught my WW anything about morals or values. He himself got my WW's mother pregnant twice while she was still married to her first husband, so I guess this type of thing runs in the family?

3. About 6 months ago, one of my WW's best friend's mother committed suicide. I think this affected my WW deeper than I originally thought. The friend told my WW that they never saw it coming, that her mother was always happy, and that you never know how someone is truly feeling and what they are hiding on the inside. This may have allowed my WW to convince herself that she had been hiding deep feelings of unhappiness, and the stresses of everyday life became deep marital issues in her head.

Overall, these insights have helped me to understand why the A happened. Although I know my WW bears full responsibility. I'm not trying to give her a pass on anything. I just know that my wife of six months ago would never have contemplated anything like this... these conditions created the perfect storm. Does anyone think I am way off base here?

So while I am reaching some understanding of how this happened, what I can't figure out is why she won't give up the A. I can only chalk it up to her stubbornness, her feelings of inferiority (that she will never be forgiven, that she will now be even more inferior, that I will always hold it over her head, and that people in our lives will always hate her for it), and her intoxication with the AP. But is that really enough to destroy everything, wreck our finances, and tear apart your family?

After thinking about these factors today, I called my WW to have a conversation about them (maybe a mistake, but I did it in a "maintaining the 180" type of way). I asked how she felt, not in a pleading tone, but I framed it as, "I need closure to understand why you did this." She said she has been so caught up in the drama of people hating her, trying to protect her job, and preparing to move that she has barely had time to think deeply about what has happened. I brought up the factors above and told her not to respond, but that I was just putting the ideas out there for her to ponder. Also, this morning, I decided I would just say something nice to her, to mix things up. All I said was "Hi, hope you have a good day." And she started bawling. I hit something in her. I walked away, but she was clearly very affected.

So in sum, yes, I am moving forward with D, but clearly, there is a piece of me still holding out hope for R. I can't help it. I know she needs to be in her own apartment for a while, and D needs to be filed. I know I can move on eventually. But if she can bring herself to end A without only resorting to me as her backup, then I still feel that there is a slight (very slight, 0.1%) chance that things could change.

Sorry for the long post... obviously I am a roller coaster of emotions from day to day. Interested to see everyone's opinions. I am trying my best to stay strong.

[This message edited by CaseyA at 5:00 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

Looks like you’re shedding yourself of a shitshow.