SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You just have to trust him?

No you don't.

Only a fool would.

That's probably why you were called a troll. You're saying stuff that it seems no rational person would.

he said it was only for fun. an escape from every day life.

And he'd be ok with you sending nudes to guys? Getting duck pics from guys? Masturbating to these dick pics?

he said he would be

Yeah, I bet he would be ok with it - he knows you won't do it - THAT's why he'd be ok with it. Easy to say until it happens and as soon as you forgive him (seems like you already have) and go back to blindly trusting him again, he will be right back at it. Additionally, someone that can go for this long with an email "relationship" has most likely cheated before with someone local. I'd bet any amount of money he has someone else. After all, it's only an escape from every day life, right?

Do you want a relationship with someone who doesn't send and receive nude picture with other people?

id rather him do that than go out looking for sex to be honest

I think you are being extremely naïve.

You don't have the entire truth.

Do you want to know the truth or are you ok living with a liar and cheater for the rest of your life? And an addict/money scammer.

I'd rather my husband lied to me than raped me.

Doesn't matter which 'I'd rather."

Neither is acceptable.

You don't respect yourself and that's why he doesn't respect you. What he's doing is emotionally abusive and you're ok with it.

Sad.

Why are you here?

He said it was only for fun. You want to believe that.

He said it wasn't sex. You want to believe that.

He said it didn't mean anything for the last 15 years. You want to believe that.

I'm not sure why you are still here. He told you how it is. You are defending his behavior and making arguments against it being cheating.

im so confused. dont know what to think anymore

Harley, I know you are feeling overwhelmed and are in shock. Your WH has been cheating for 15 years. Take a day or 2 to let that sink in while you read in the healing library and through the forums. There is a collective wisdom here that is invaluable to those dealing with infidelity. But while you're processing for a day or 2 please consider viewing this from the outside. What if a friend told you she discovered her husband doing this..... Sexting an xGF (not really 'x' though). He has a girlfriend!! Your husband is going outside your marriage to have his needs met. Keep reading and posting. You WILL get through this but please know you can't just ignore it and hope everything will turn out ok because it WON'T. Do you have anyone in real life to reach out to?

Just noticed though you said it was his ex fiancee but she broke his heart by saying no to marriage. Do you and your WH live in the same city as this OW?

yes we live in the same city. we moved for a while but then moved back (his choice)

(((Harley)))

Did he tell you any of this before? It's hard to come to terms with the fact that your H can and had been capable of lying and hiding things to you for years. I know and it is traumatizing and scary which is why you found us here. It will sink in that he lies and you can't or shouldn't believe what he tells you right now. I'm so very sorry. It hurts so much and we want to believe the best and the person who cheated will prey on that.

Yes, it is cheating.

He may try to convince you otherwise and they can really get in your head. Look up gaslighting, minimizing and blame shifting. I learned so much about these things that I didn't know before and it helped me apply it to my situation for clarity.

I called you a troll because I have a hard time believing what you are saying. It sounds very illogical and your one liner responses appear to only be an attempt to get a reaction.

However, I may be wrong. And if I am wrong and you are for real, I think you need help. Only somebody with extremely low self esteem or very naive would react the way you have. For you to say “I have to trust him”, or “he said he would be ok if I sent nudes to another guy”, is very sad. He knows how you are and is basically abusing you emotionally and mentally. You truly need help. It is fine if you forgive hm but with this attitude and low self esteem he will do it again. He has total control over you.

So let me summarize:

Yes, what he did is full blown cheating. Even if no physical contact. Cheating: thinking of her romantically, getting off on her, emotionally involved with somebody other than you.

No. No man ANYWHERE would be ok with his wife sending nudes to another dude secretly while telling him she wished she was with him, etc. Well, unless you are swingers and those are the rules.

I play tennis, read, and meditate to escape real everyday life. I dont sext, send nude pics, and cheat on my wife for that.

[This message edited by JC109 at 11:12 AM, December 17th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry you are here. You are getting good advice, consider some of it.

And consider the facts -

He has been lying to you for 15 years.

He has been having an affair off and on for 15 years.

He has broken his vows and cheated on you.

He has broken your trust.

I don't think it is just going to go away.

Get IC for yourself.

Get STD testing.

Get your finances in order, just in case.

See an attorney, know what your rights are.

Contact OW's husband (don't tell your WH you are doing this) and tell OBS what is going on - he needs to know.

Then -

get your WH to read "How to Help YOur Spouse Heal", if he isn't ready to do all those things he is not remorseful and will continue his bad behavior.

[This message edited by trustedg at 3:27 PM, December 17th (Sunday)]

I just dont get how he could have jerked off to the same woman for 15 years. when I asked him why he never jerks off to me he laughed and said "husbands never jerk off to their wives"

Every time I read a response from you I am left speechless. I also understand how your husband got away with this for 15 years and how he will sadly continue to get away with it. I am sorry.