SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

honestly I dont really care about her. im just praying that my husband has zero feelings for her

Have you asked him?

What was his response when you asked about his thoughts during sex?

Do you know how to look up members. I want you to read SassyLees bio. Go to your profile. There is a search box. Type sassy. When you see SassyLee; click on it. Read her story. This will take care of this problem.

how do I search for a user?

He has feelings enough that he lied and hid this for 15 years!

He really thinks that this is NOT an affair? He's hiding it, lying about it, thinks of HER when he makes love to YOU, what else would you call this? They aren't talking about baseball and the weather, they are talking about sex.

and whats really weird is that he never told me about this girl. ever. you would think he would have said something about his first love.....

He didn’t tell you he was engaged before you!!!!!!

Did you figure out how to look up a user/profile?

Look on your screen. Click on the words my profile.

Once there. Type sassy Lee into the search box.

I’m starting to think Iwantmyglasses is right. He’s not giving you the whole story.

Who dumps a fiancé and then emails him naked pictures with the head cropped for 15 years.

I’m not doubting your pain no matter what he is doing. But I don’t believe he is telling the truth.

Is she even a real person? You didn’t know about her from before, that is strange. This could even be a guy “catfish”’ing him. Has he really met this person before in his life?

You want to contact her husband so it is stopped from her side. If he can tell it’s really her in the pictures she will have her own issues to deal with. That’s why I asked if the face showed.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:28 AM, December 14th (Thursday)]

This is absolutely cheating.

He doesn't get to decide how you feel about it, or what your boundaries are. If you see it as cheating, he doesnt get to decide it isn't. You are entitled to your views and feelings. All he's trying to do is minimize what he's done. I'm fairly certain he'd have a different opinion if the show wss on the other foot.

The question, "Is this cheating" tells me that you want to make this whole thing go away, and minimize it. You don't want to see what is going on and what is happening.

It is sad and I think we can all relate in one way or the other. It is always more obvious to those on the outside of a situation. For example, I was in situations with my XH and my current H where I can look back and see very blatant signs they were cheating, but something even more blatant had to happen before I had my D-day and actually believed it was happening. With my current H, his DD actually called me and told me her father was cheating on me. Even that did not open my eyes! I would not believe it, told her I thought she was wrong and it must have been a story based on rumors, essentially I defended her dad to her. It bothers me to this day when I think of her bravery telling me what she knew, and I did not believe her.

So what does this have to do with your situation? I think you are trying to find a way to downplay the significance of what he has done and is doing, to help you cope. I understand but it will prolong your pain, IMO. I think it is better to face the full horror of what your H is doing.

Forget about the semantics of the word "cheating" for a minute. Few would blame someone for ENDING a marriage to someone who would send nude pictures to another and tell that person he dreams of her while having sex with his wife. This is horrible mistreatment and displaced loyalty to your spouse, wouldn't you say? And there are more reasons to end relationships and marriages than just literally cheating, IMO. For example, I often say I'd dump somebody who regularly abuses alcohol or drugs just as fast as I would a cheater.

So call what he did horrible, inhumane treatment instead of "infidelity" if you wish; it is still grounds for a divorce.

I'm not saying you have to pursue a D. But if he is making excuses and downplaying his "horrible treatment of you" then he is far from remorseful and I don't see a positive outcome.The bottom line call it what you want, but to me, 15 years of sexting an ex that he never even told you about would be WORSE than having a shorter term recent A.

Unfortunately, there's probably much, much more to the story than you know about.

Fifteen years is a long time.

Ask him if he's willing to take a polygraph.

…he told me he has no feelings for her he just wants to make sure shes ok. and bc they never had sex it doesnt count as cheating. im still on the fence. should I believe him? does he love her? what to do?

If he hated her for breaking his heart, he wouldn’t be fantasizing about her for 15 years and saving their correspondence. He’s carried a torch for her for 15 years. This is at minimum a long term emotional affair.

I think I laughed out loud when I read that he just wants to make sure she’s ok. Really? He needs to send her graphic emails to make sure she’s ok? Would you do that to an old friend, you know, just checking up on them? And if you did – ya think your H would be pissed about it? I’m quite certain! Because it’s WRONG.

Does he think you should just accept that this is how he checks up on people? And that he needs to check up on his ex-fiance repeatedly, in a sexual context for 15 years??

This man should be groveling at your feet right now.

He should be signing up for individual counseling, like yesterday.

He should be finding a polygrapher and setting up an appointment to prove he hasn’t betrayed you in any other ways you’re not aware of.

In short, he should be willing to do anything to prove his remorse to you. At this point he’s not even sorry he did it. He’s just annoyed that you’re making a big deal. UGGGH.

I know you wish this would just go away but it has been going 15 years, it isn't going to just go away.

Your husband has lied to you for 15 years, he is cheating. It sounds fishy, I don't think you have the whole truth but either way he is cheating.

He needs IC to figure out what his problem is, you need IC to try to deal with your feelings.

Do some reading in the Healing Library (upper left), get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it, then give it him. It will give you an idea of what he should be doing.

I was in touch with an old boyfriend when his wife passed away unexpectedly and young.

I told my H I was going to call him and express condolences on behalf of my family (childhood friends)

We spoke once more after. I told my H I was going to call for the last time. I gave him the name of a grief counselor.

End of story.

Anything else (not telling my H, continued secret contact) is lying by omission and cheating.

Absolutely it's cheating. My WS had a 10 LTA 15years that's a long time also.

how would he feel if you had an affair for 15 years?

Would he have a problem with that?

Dr. Shirley Glass states that an emotional affair has three characteristics:

1. Emotional intimacy

2. Sexual tension

4. Secrecy

Some of her material is in the Healing Library. Read her work "Not Just Friends" and you'll gain an understanding of why an "I love You" is not a necessary component to an emotional affair.

Your H has an emotional intimacy with her because he is sharing things about your M and his intimacy with you (thinking about her when having marital relations with you).

His definition of cheating is absurd: intimate kissing of someone other than you would not be cheating; intimate touching of someone would not be cheating.

he promised me he will not speak to her again

I would recommend that he write the No Contact communication. Then show it to you. You determine if it is strong enough. Then watch him send it. At the same time demand transparency in his communications. This is more than symbolic. It is true he can create another back channel to continue to communicate. It is his reaction to your demand that matters most. The best way to kill this affair is to tell her partner if she has one. I'd suggest that you find out who she is, where she lives and try to determine if she has a relationship partner. Do this w/o telling your H. Then notify her partner w/o telling your H.

Can you tell us more about how you found out? Fifteen years of saved "trophies/mementos". Were they in password protected email folder? Do you have a sense of any other stored material? Did you find any other email accounts?