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In a perfect world, we would have all of these in a relationship....but is it such a bad thing to be with a person who makes you happy, comforts you, and provides security rather than ignites passion within you; rather than turning you on with abandon?

Is being physically attracted THAT necessary? As long as sex with your partner is good because you love who they are as a person and you both have a strong desire to please the other, does a lack of butterflies mean it's not meant to be?

Is it a bad idea to be involved in a relationship like this?

Asking for a friend ::cough cough::

I hope it's enough for some good women out there. It's all I can bring to the table.

I'm sure it is sufficient for some, but I can tell you they are not necessarily mutually exclusive so you don't HAVE to settle thinking it's an "either or" choice.

SO and I have both comfort/partnership AND passion! Delightful combo!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:18 AM, December 14th (Thursday)]

I didn't have butterflies with my ex. I'm not sure what I had. lol.....but I did love it and some days I still wish I had it -- the good parts anyway.

Now I'm wanting the butterflies and the comfort/security/happiness. I want it all.

I guess it's a matter of what stage you are in your life and what is important to you.

I think we value different things at different ages and different stages of our lives.

On the other hand you could get lucky like Phoenix and find yourself one with the lot.

tts

I love this question, JellyGirl84. I think it is hard to find both and I agree that it depends on the situation you are in and what you want in your life.

My SO and I have crazy passion and love for each other. It took an entire year for that to simmer. Now, we can have both and I cherish it. When we spend time with his children, we are happy and comfortable. When we have a weekend alone, we have so much fun reconnecting with each other.

However, if you are happy and the respect and love is present, I don't think you need butterflies.

I’ve never had all three. With my exwh it was comfort and partnership and I tricked myself to think with those and love I was passionate about him. I wasn’t in reality but thought those with passion don’t last.

Now I’ve only dated guys with passion or comfort. But not both. And it’s been a shitshow lol.

I have to admit, I love the passion side. I hadn’t had it in years. It feels good, but without comfort and companionship it wears out.

Good post, I think all three in a relationship are important. Maybe not equally.

I have struggled with this for the 3 years I've been in this mess. First relationship out of the gate was crazy passion. Like crazy. I was so inlove and woke up every day feeling inlove and happy...but scared of losing him and he wasn't in any way ready to settle down. That breakup hurt like a you know what. Since then I had a 6 month relationship lacking passion and maybe even attraction but the guy was "perfect" on paper and treated me like gold. After 6 months I just couldn't anymore though...I wanted that feeling of being inlove and wasn't getting there. Now 7 months into a relationship with a close friend and it's somewhere in between the two but I'm not inlove and frankly don't have an inner desire to be with him most of the time. Not like I did with #1. We are currently on a semi break while I try to figure out the answer to your exact question. I want it all...but am I about to give up a perfectly amazing guy trying to chase a unicorn? I don't know....but with two little kids at home and a job I kind of feel at this point I would rather be alone if I don't have that passion. Life is busy enough as it is.

I am more into the comfort and partnership phase of life I guess. I had passion with XWH#2 and neither with XWH#1. Now I just want the comfort of knowing that SO is there for me everyday. We share everything and have really good communication and we love each other. We have a good sex life and he treats me well. Even after two years we are still discovering new things about one another. I know I can depend on him and he feels the same way. Passion is great, but without the comfort and partnership I think it can die over time. JMO

For me, having mutual sexual attraction and a good sex life was a must have for any new relationship.

My marriage was largely non sexual, not by my choice. I decided i wouldn't have that in a relationship again...

having said that...the whole butterflies thing. IDK, i can't really relate to it. There is a excitement when being with someone new/early in relationship. But it wears off...For me more about sexual compatibility.

GF and i go well together in the bedroom and i other parts of life. I don't worry too much about security, comfort etc. Maybe because i'm a guy...idk, maybe because i find those things within myself and not necessary with a partner. I don't lean on another quite that way.

I enjoy being with her, we have a ton of fun, i believe her love and care for me is geniune, and she rocks it in the bedroom...I am good

I don't need to melt at the knee's.

Weird, I just posted about this, but in regard to a sexles marriage. How much is sex worth? If you are happy in every other way, what is orgasm really worth?

The guy I've been talking to for several months and hung out a time or two does not trip my trigger in the least. He's not a bad looking guy at all, just zero fireworks.

I don't have "the answer", but for me, I could live without it if someone respected me and was good to me.

Hmm, i hate to even say this...but you know i will lol....is this one of those mars/venus things....

I mean, i hear people talk about fireworks, hot passion, melting etc...And honestly i can't wrap my head around it. I just don't get those feelings...Is this a woman thing???? Or am i just a weird guy lol

OK guys....We are all waiting to know if mizunomead is weird???? What do you say????

I felt passion with xww and xwgf. That turned into comfort with passion.

Then, well, you guys know what happened - and here I am!

[This message edited by devotedman at 4:30 PM, December 14th, 2017 (Thursday)]

I don't think it's a Mars/Venus thing. I like sex - it's fun and it feels good and I want it to be part of a new relationship, but I have no idea what butterflies mean - is that the neuro-chemical cocktail that occurs when a relationship is new and you are giddy to see the other person? I've felt that, but I don't 100% like it - it doesn't feel sustainable and it interferes with the rest of my life. Maybe I'm too practical for passion.

Is being physically attracted THAT necessary? As long as sex with your partner is good because you love who they are as a person and you both have a strong desire to please the other, does a lack of butterflies mean it's not meant to be?

I don't really understand the above statement. I'm not sure what physical attraction is other than the desire to have sex with someone.

I had a discussion like this with someone the other day, but it was about being passionate about one's work. I decided I'm just not that kind of person. I want my work to be stimulating, enjoyable and well-compensated, but I don't want it to consume me. I guess some people really do feel passionately about things, and I'm just not made that way.

thanks hawke, so i'm weird, just not weird........

KarmaTrain,

You and i are in the same situation except that I don't have kids.

I think everyone knows I'm not really asking for a friend. But yeah....I'm dating the same guy who a lot of you told me to leave when I posted about a sexual encounter that went wrong with him. It was all just a misunderstanding and things have been going well. Not amazing. Not head over heels. But well.

And I just don't know if that's fine enough. He would give me the shirt off his back. He wants to protect me, provide for me in many different important ways, he wants us to have a future together. But we are very different people personality-wise and I just don't feel a strong spark. I feel a connection though.

With my xwh, there was no physical connection either but I was young and made it work. When this cheating crap happened, I swore that I'd only date men who treated me well AND physically excited me. I did get to have those experiences luckily

Now I'm back in a relationship where my SO is meeting many of the checks that most women would ask for in a man but the lack of sexual attraction compiled with the fact that we do "bump heads" often because of differing opinions on religion, politics and misunderstanding make me wonder if I'm making a big deal of those things or actually missing the sign that it's not a good choice.

To clarify:

When I look at my SO, I'm not sexually excited. I don't have an overwhelming urge to knock his socks off. It was the same way with my xwh and I know the other side because I dated a few men that were just incredibly sexy.

My SO and I do have sex and it is decent. I've never had a strong sex Drive anyway but some of those men I dated brought out that side of me. SO doesn't.

However, he has proven to me on more than one occasion that he is long-term-partner material. He's interested in provinding and making sure I'm doing well, asks about my day, seeks ways he can make my life better, lend me a helping hand with daily life struggles. He told me the other night that he can see this (aka "our relationship) has the potential to go somewhere and therefore he wants to make certain that I have what I need. It's the smallest things: like treating my whole family to dinner, or getting me a new toothbrush or taking my car for an oil change or helping me get my taxes done by a friend of his that gets big returns for peope. Stuff like that.

Definite husband material.....but....

But I'm not even sure I want to get married again nor do I feel as certain about our relationship the way he seems to be. And I don't think the uncertainty is all about him. It's about me to and all this bullshit I've experienced. I really don't think he'd cheat on me. But I'm not trying to get into a whole new thing and regret it.

I just wonder if it's him or me. Truly. I think about cultures that require arranged marriage. Sometimes these people cannot even stand to be in the same room with each other. But a good amount make it work, learn about each other, compromise and in the end they find love with each other.

Add me to the (short) list on this thread that wants it all.

I have dated two men seriously since divorce and both have loved me in the nicest way. But something is still missing for me and I know it's the "in love" feeling.

I haven't had butterflies since I was in Jr. High. But I do know what that feeling is!

My current SO makes me internally roll my eyes way too much to be my future husband. I don't look at him and want to jump in. But once he starts touching me, he wakes up that chemistry and it's all good.

But not enough to settle!

I am waiting on that feeling where I just know. Where I am at peace with this is the right person for me for the rest of my life.

And if I don't have that feeling (whatever combo it took to get me there) then he's not the one I'm going to choose as my forever.

(Which leads me to a whole 'nother post on how to end something that is going really well, but you just know it has a shelf life. )

I really relate to what you wrote about having an internal eye roll. YES! I do EXACTLY that.