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My thoughts are a little different than those above. And I apologize in advance if I get a bit graphic.

Intercourse is pretty much a straightforward event. Sure there are different positions but if you think about what the man does, it's pretty much standard regardless of position. Not a lot of options for innovation.

Oral performed on a woman provides opportunity for a lot of innovative possibilities. So after DDay I learned that they had done oral on each other. My W had never been interested/willing with me ( and yes, that fact had its own ramifications, not relevant here). So I had no experience and no clue what to do when she suddenly was now willing.

My self confidence was in the bottom of the deepest dumpster imaginable just from learning of the A itself. So in that condition I am faced with needing to perform something that I had no experience in and that I assumed my W must have enjoyed from OM. No self confidence, no experience, in competition with the memory of a pleasant experience with someone (presumably) skilled at it.

So, do you think that would be a somewhat daunting position to find yourself in? Could this be the mindset your H is experiencing? Even if he gave oral before your A he may well be thinking that your OM surely was much better (why else would you have an A) and be terrified of "competing" .

Because my personality is such that I never back down from a challenge I decided I would try and would learn, and keep learning, until I knew I was better. But it was still terrifying emotionally at first.

Give some thought as to whether this may be your H's problem.

This is a topic that's been the most important thing in the whole recovery aspect of our marriage. During my WW affair she basically completely cut me off from sex (2 times a month only when she's drunk) for almost 4 years.

She did all kinds of stuff with OM. The biggest sticking point for me (other than sex in my house and all the public places) was anal sex.

We had tried it once in college and she didn't like it so we never did it again. Fast forward 8 years and OM requested it several times so she finally gave in. Not only that but after a few times she started to like it. She also discovered that she liked her butt licked because it got her really lubricated. She told me that eventually they were having anal sex weekly for years.

That really hurt me. Since DD we have only successfully had anal sex 2 times. We have attempted several times but it isn't working. Maybe she can't relax with me or it's performance anxiety, idk.

It's not a size issue or anything as I know I'm smaller than OM (another blow to my ego).

To me it's a very personal act. One that takes time, patience, trust and lots of practice to perfect. The fact that she got to that level of intimacy with him and we can't get there really hurts me deeply. I'm now determined more than ever to make that a regular part our sex life so I've bought some toys and expensive lube to help.

Other than that one specific act everything else has been fine. We waited several weeks after DD to start intimacy but once we did it was amazing. The first night she had 6 O's and told me it was the best she ever had (I confirmed by reading her journal a few weeks later).

If anything the frequency has increased. Part of our first relationship agreement after DD was to have sex 6 times a week. It's now daily and frequently more than once a day. I don't see any sign of this slowing down. I was denied sex for so long that now it's like my body is making up for it all in 1 year. We of course are doing lots of new stuff that unique and special to only us which is helping us bondage, lol.

[This message edited by skins21 at 1:22 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

Did anything similar happen with your husband? Does he think it might have?

No it never did. My husband and I did not have oral sex during my affair.

I guess I'll just let him take the lead on this and see what happens. I don't want to ruin sex further for us by bringing it up. I really don't.

I guess I'll just let him take the lead on this and see what happens. I don't want to ruin sex further for us by bringing it up. I really don't.

What makes you think it will get worse?

I can't see any reason that just asking if he's comfortable with having the discussion hurts anything.

You deserve fulfillment in your relationship.

Well first, her AP was very European, and he refused to go down on her, as he said only pigs do that, she refused to do that to him. She said he was small and quick. Therefore, there is NOTHING out of bounds in our bedroom.

Another couple that we know went through something similar. She had an affair at work. It was one of those situations where she was unsure how her BH would react. Her worst fears were realized: He was violent beyond belief. He went to the AP's house, and in front of AP's wife and children, he beat the man to a bloody pulp. The OBS did not call police and said that her husband deserved every bruise, broken bone and blood. Then he turned his attention to his wife. There was no physical violence, but he went from one of the most considerate men, to a raving lunatic. First, he stopped having sex with his wife, instead, he raped her. Repeatedly and brutally. I called the police on this guy, as I'm sorry, but OK, she had an affair, then kick her out, don't do THAT! He did not want her aroused at all. He wanted to hurt in the worst way possible. Her life became a living hell. The altercation with the AP, resulted in both of them losing jobs. It all came out at work when he was questioned. Since she was home and had no money, he treated her like a prisoner. Any clothing worn during the affair was burnt. She had a few pairs of jeans and a sweatshirt or two. (This was a career woman with designer labels, now gracing a dump). In short, it was too much. Several of the wives got together, and helped her get out. They arranged a shopping trip, managed to get him to agree for her to come out with them, and then they got her to a shelter. She still refused to call the police. Eventually, she was convinced to file divorce. Yes, her affair started it, however, nobody gets any right to rape a spouse.

He either doesn't understand that the HPV is not a health concern for him when it comes to oral sex, or there is a gross out element to it.

This is terribly inaccurate. HPV is a risk factor vis-a-vis oral sex!! It can cause head and neck cancer, which is a biggie. (Recall Michael Douglas's battle with this?)

HPV is not a risk only to women, and only as relates to cervical health. Men and women both can develop head and neck cancers from oral exposure to HPV.

If my WW had contracted any sort of disease not only would I not go down on her I probably wouldn't sleep with her ever again. I was immediately worried about that because her AP never used a condom and was also sleeping with other people at her workplace. She didn't even care!!!!!! "i thought he was safe because he was married"

Right, there is no cure for HPV, so there isn't anything I can do to cure it other than wait for it to be gone. Thankfully my husband tested negative for it. I go back in April and hopefully it will be all clear.

HPV is the most common form of an STD out there, pretty much everyone I know has it or had it at one point. I was never tested for it before my affair, but I was after, and it was positive for a "low risk" strain (basically abnormal cells) they could not tell me if it was from my affair or from 10 years ago with my husband, it can lay dormant for years.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:28 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

HPV represents a potentially life threatening oral risk.

Thankfully my husband tested negative for it.

There isn't an HPV test for men in the U.S. so are you sure about that?

It may come back, it may not. I think you have eloquently addressed the fact that you know that, and will accept it as a consequence of the affair. I think trideitout has the best solution. As long as you are the sexually receptive/submissive, the giver of all affection, meeting all his needs and treating him like a king, he will see that you have shifted from taker to giver. He will feel more protective of if you, more attracted, and more comfortable with your new found exclusivity.

And he may move back towards cherishing you too.

Two possibilities jump out at me:

1. Oral is for the woman's pleasure, it does nothing for a man other than knowing he is giving you pleasure. After the A this selfless act may no longer be appealing. It could be more of an impersonal 'fuck and go' for him now. Oral is too personal.

2. If the AP came inside you, then he may be repulsed to put his mouth down there. WWTL alluded to it earlier. And it's more of a mind fuck then an actual concern since 'stuff' can't stay up in there longer than a few days and it's not like many people these days enter into marriage as virgins. But it's possible that those thoughts creep if he considers it. Not sure what HPV is but any STD surely isn't going to help matters.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 9:02 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

There isn't an HPV test for men in the U.S. so are you sure about that?

I don't understand this statement because i tested positive for it after my wife's affair.

Posting as a member

I know you are getting tired of me pushing therapy, but would you guys consider seeing a sexual therapist ?

You both have issues that aren't going to be resolved unless you can talk about them. Right now I think you are both too wounded to fair and honest conversations that is required to resolve this issue.

Not to scare you but it is common that the physical relationship is usually the last thing to recover from during R.

Right now the best thing you can do is be consistent. Working on showing him he can trust you and it is safe to risk his emotional safety again. I also agree with you that any sudden changes are going to forever be tied to the A. In fact I can guarantee you it will trigger him.

As much as this is something you want to fix for him without his involvement that just isn't possible. It is something he has to work through. He has to organize it in a way that allows him to find some peace or resolution.

I think you said he was talking to a priest for therapy ? No offense to anyone of any religion, but I don't see that sex is something he can discuss. Further I don't think a priest has much creditibility on this topic.

JHMO. Religion based therapy can helpful, but it did not do as much for me as secular therapy did. Religion based therapy heavily focuses on forgiveness, and while that is the result a lot of hope for, it is way too soon for him to spending time working towards that. You can't expect a drowning person to just save themselves can you ? He has a whole host of things he needs to process before that will be feasible for him.

The most powerful sex organ is your brain. Right now both of you need to heal your brains with therapy(figuratively, of course). Ideally that opens up communication between the two of you. Only then can you can begin to address shared issues.

Thanks Numb.

We aren't religious, in fact we are both atheists, but he has friend who is a pastor with training in counseling and he spoke with him but it wasn't religion based. He really doesn't have anyone to talk to, he has a lot of issues (from Childhood) and I think it would do him good but I can't force it.

We have a date night planned tonight so I'm hopeful it will go well!

Wool94, I don't know what to tell you. Everything I've read said there is no test for men. Doctors can do a visual inspection and see if you have Genital Warts (caused by HPV), but otherwise there isn't a test.

No you can't force him, but I think that framing it as way to help him feel better and lighten the burden he has to carry works sometimes. I think once you go and he sees it working for you he might be open to it.

Keep approaching him from a place of caring.

Have fun on date night

Every situation is probably different, but my H's Affair has brought us closer together. I know his A was a cry for more attention from me. I didn't realize how much I was not connecting with him. But now, we are having sex a ton! Both of us wanting it all the time. It's like an entirely new relationship. Tons of fun and trying new things. We aren't afraid anymore. We finally have learned how to truly connect and tell each other what we want and how we feel. Not just in bed, but in general. Again, my situation is very unique because my H was very remorseful and really truly just wants me. We are in therapy together and learning so much about each other all over again. Even after 16 years. It's amazing how much we weren't talking or connecting. But now, WOW!!

pinkpggy, I responded to this post in General and you responded back. I sent a follow-up to you and then that thread was closed and we were instructed to comment in this thread.

I wanted to make sure you saw what I said:

Sometimes I forget to be a bit more tactful when responding! Please don't think I was calling you a POS Oddly enough, that is my WH favorite phrase to describe himself and how he feels. I told him to stop that phrase. It doesn't do any good and it keeps him from using words that accurately reflect his emotions.

My intention was to help you see it from BS POV. I hope that it helped, despite my lack of compassion.

As for HPV-there is no test for it for men. That is true, other than a visual check for warts (gag). My yearly check came back with abnormal cells.

My husband had a full screening and blood work and everything was negative for everything, we both even got tested for HIV. I had the fun fact of my AP wife telling me he had been with prostitutes. So yeah, it has not been an enjoyable 10 months for either of us. I am extremely anxious and nervous for my follow up in April.

I'm good not having any oral sex, it is what it is. I accept it as a reasonable reaction to my behavior on my husbands part. Some days I want to give up totally, this week has been one of those weeks for me. Its a rough ride for everyone.