SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mouth and throat cancer

HPV is found in some mouth and throat cancers in men and women. Most cancers found in the back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils, are HPV-related. These are the most common HPV-related cancers in men.

In all sincerity, your husband runs the risk of getting mouth and throat cancer if he starts to go down on you. It is generally understood that HPV causes all cervical cancers and is a precursor to various other cancers.

Oral sex is definitely a huge trigger for me. My husband had sex with a hooker and went down on her because he enjoys it. We have been having sex since the results of the STI tests came back clear but I have huge issues surrounding oral.

I don’t want him going down on me because this is the overwhelming mind movie that I have. It is such an intimate thing to do and I can’t believe that he did that with someone else, let alone a hooker. I sent him to the dentist for a deep clean before I would do anything other than a peck on the cheek.

I also cannot get my head around the idea of ever putting his penis in my mouth knowing where it’s been-and he wore a condom, but still, ugghh.

I find the idea totally repulsive and I can completely understand if your husband feels the same way. Sorry

I can't go down on my WH. Just can't. I know OW did. It disgusts me thinking about putting my face down there where she was. I don't feel like doing it anymore. Before the A it wasn't my favorite, it I did it bc I knew he liked it, and that made me feel good--to make him feel good.

At this point I don't feel like doing it. I don't think I'll ever do

It again. I hope he really enjoyed the last one I gave him over 8 months ago. It will likely be his last. I've told him that and he's okay with it, and says if that's how it will be then he has to accept it as it's nobody's fault.

For me, I'd never do that, something so intimate and, IMO, kinda demeaning, with just anybody. I mean, I need to know you. I guess my WH doesn't feel the same.

Honestly, if you can't have an open conversation about sex if something is bothering you-then doesn't that scream that there is problems in the relationship? You are supposed to be honest, truthful, transparent, and vulnerable. So be it. Ask already. It does bother you or you wouldn't have posted about it. You do want it, or you wouldn't have asked if it will be like this forever. Well, it just might. Because you refuse to take the plunge and have an adult conversation with your husband about sex. Men are not mind readers. From this male, it is refreshing if the wife can talk about their sexual relationship. You want your marriage and a better relationship, so take the first step and talk. Communicate. It is an important foundation.

It took me the longest time to be able to let my H perform oral on me. All I could think was that he did it for AP. I couldn’t understand, since he claimed he didn’t care about her satisfaction, why he would do that. To me it just doesn’t get any more personal than that.

It took me even longer to be able to bring myself to do oral on him. All I could think about was that I was putting in my mouth what had been in AP All this time later and I still have to really be into it to be able to do it.

I’m so pissed he ruined something so intimate for us. I’d be willing to bet your BS feels the same way.

I would give it time. And you also need to have conversations...I mean...are you OK if your husband never wants to go down on you again?

I can compartmentalize. I trust my husband with finances. I trust him with our kids. I trust him with pretty much everything, except sex. But my husband is a recovering SA. When it comes to sex, my husband will always be an unsafe person for me...because of what he can be capable of.

The unfortunate thing is that we can't predict how we react to these sorts of things.

I'm one of those that oral sex is off the table, both giving and receiving. DDay 1 was 11 years ago, DDay2 was March of this year. My husband understands that I didn't choose my feelings of what I need to feel like I'm safe sexually in the relationship. He accepts that it's a consequence of his choices and he owns that he's the cause.

What's going on that has you feeling you want to give up? What areas, reasons, frustations, fears... ??? As you weigh and evaluate the situation, what is it that you struggle with?

Since the head line is about sex.

Do you think the ideal of going back to your previous sex life, or a down graded version might in fact be a potential deal breaker for you?

There are other things that can be done. Maybe seeing a sex therapist as an option to work through some of both of your issues might be considered. Also, as an alternative to oral stimulation, adult toys/vibrators might be considered and incorporated.

I can give a perspective on this but I’m a betrayed wife, a betrayed husband may not see it the same way. I used to love loving my husband in such a way. I legitimately found it to be a loving act and took great pleasure in how close it brought us, regardless of who was where. Now, I have the hardest time even considering it. I don’t find it gross, it just hurts me emotionally. I can’t be that intimate with him. It isn’t the physicality, it’s the emotional intimacy. He performed the act on the bargirl he cheated with and I can’t really get into it when he tries on me now. Perhaps this is just a quirk of mine, but the intimacy could be a factor. Like kissing, but deeper, more personal, you know?. Does he have a hard time maintaining intimate connections? Cuddles, snuggles, hugs, kissing or eye contact, things like those? If so, that may be part of the problem.

I can give a different perspective on this but I’m a betrayed wife, a betrayed husband may not see it the same way. I used to love loving my husband in such a way. I legitimately found it to be a loving act and took great pleasure in how close it brought us, regardless of who was where. It was something I used to just do randomly. Pull him aside, blow his head back and traipse about my day. Oh it hurts so much to think about now, how I gave to him in that way while he was cheating. Now, I have the hardest time even considering it. I don’t find it gross, it just hurts me emotionally. I can’t be that intimate with him. Not yet. It isn’t the physicality, it’s the emotional intimacy. It scares me. He also performed the act on the bargirl he cheated with and I can’t really get into it when he tries on me now either. Perhaps this is just a quirk of mine, but the intimacy could be a factor. Like kissing, but it’s deeper, more personal, you know?. Does he have a hard time maintaining intimate connections? Cuddles, snuggles, hugs, kissing or eye contact, things like those? If so, that may be part of the problem.

I'm one of those that oral sex is off the table, both giving and receiving. DDay 1 was 11 years ago, DDay2 was March of this year. My husband understands that I didn't choose my feelings of what I need to feel like I'm safe sexually in the relationship. He accepts that it's a consequence of his choices and he owns that he's the cause.

I'm going to tread lightly here, but I want to get my point of view out there on this. First off, I'm a BH, so, this in no way applies to me, so, take it all with a grain of salt.

But, in my very humble opinion, going into R thinking of the ways you're going to withhold things from your spouse is often going to lead to a lifetime of hurt and resentment for both parties. Let me say, YES, your husband deserves to never have you go down on him again. He deserves a LOT worse than that. But, especially with sexual things, if you start withholding them, your setting up a scenario where you're marriage will be in jeopardy again.

Let me give another example. Very often women will cheat because men aren't emotionally connected with them. But, when men come here, our advice to them isn't usually "become even colder" (at least, not after the 180), it's "try to meet her needs". And I think that's what R is, it's not about figuring out what the other person wanted from the A and then keeping it from them, it's about figuring out why it happened and BOTH of you trying to change to make the M better. For men, the answer is often more talking, more romance, more flowers, more "paying attention". For women, the answer is often more sex, more affection, more sexual acts.

Your totally justified in NOT doing it, I'd never say you weren't. But, if I came on here and said my wife cheated because I was emotionally distant and made her feel alone, and, as a result, I'm going to talk to her even less and be more of an a** when I can be, most people, I think, would say "you should D, because you're just going to punish yourself and her and then wind up D'd". And I'd agree with that.

I know it's incredibly hard. Because I'm living it, telling my W over and over again how much I love her and value her after she blew our lives the f**k up for no reason. I get it. And she deserves me walking around the house being a complete a** to her. But, if I do that, can I really blame her alone for blowing our marriage up? Or am I taking actions in R to make sure that it won't be successful?

Just some words to stimulate thought, take it for what it's worth.

And I think that's what R is, it's not about figuring out what the other person wanted from the A and then keeping it from them, it's about figuring out why it happened and BOTH of you trying to change to make the M better.

I couldn't disagree more. You make it sound like if BS did x,y,z then there will be no further cheating. It is about figuring out what the other person wanted from the A and then that person changing. The cheater needs to change. Face it and own it. Putting no responsibility on the marriage or BS as "figuring out why it happened". Because it doesn't happen because of marriage issues. It happens because the cheater is a combination of many things. selfish, entitled, immature, irresponsible, lazy, coward, lacking moral values and ethics, lacking self confidence or self esteem, having no impulse control, need for instant gratification, possibly narcissistic. A variety of reasons and it is the way wards job to figure it out and change it. It is their responsibility to be enough for themselves. Not the BS or the marriage dynamics to meet the needs in order for the wayward to become a healthy adult. Otherwise, the BS is just stepping in and filling the role the AP did. The wayward should be filling their own role. Not using the BS, APs, or the marriage to fulfill them.

If the BS has problems that contribute to marriage dynamics then that is a completely separate issue altogether to me. To be addressed after I hit "owning it and full remorse".

Thing is you have zero control over what the BS does and focusing on them gets you no where when you still have shit to work on for yourself. You let that go. You let go of the outcome and control. You focus on what you can control.

Reconciliation for me is reconciling what was wrong with me that chose to do what I did , owning it, and changing it so that I can function in a healthy relationship. Reconciliation is not about both parties changing so that one person will not cheat. Own it and get some self restraint and put no ownership on your choices to cheat on what the BS is not capable of giving or doing.

It is about addressing the way wards needs/wants/behaviors. Not the BS. My needs were unhealthy and unrealistic and I bet for the many of way wards here it is the same way. At least for the cake eaters.

There is a website that has both partners take a quiz and then the answers that both are okay with will show up.... Funny enough, H and I took this quiz maybe a week before D day. So we have not had a chance to explore as many new things as I'd hoped. After D day he was extremely cautious to do too much too fast.

Look up MOJO UPGRADE if you're curious about the quiz.

Also, have you been tested to see if you have one of the HPV strains that can even be cancerous? There's only 4 from what I recall but there are about 50 strains of HPV.

I told my WW that I didn't want to have unprotected sex (including oral) until she was tested. After the tests were clear, nothing was off limits. I felt like all kinds of contact (which we practiced for 14 + years) was essential to reconnection. Did I have negative feelings or thoughts about performing certain acts based on what happened? Absolutely. I had to work through those feelings. However, I respectfully disagree with one of the earlier comments that your H has the right to refuse to perform based on your A. Sex is the glue between partners. I want to make my W feel good and I feel more connected when I do. There shouldn't be barriers between you and your BH if you are working on R. I'm not withholding physically or emotionally while I try to rebuild a stronger marriage.

Yup, sex is a difficult topic during R. That’s my experience anyway. It’s difficult because I have mental images during sex. It makes sex somewhat of a chore for me right now. To make it worse, wife has told me that she’s somewhat embarrassed by her own sexuality right now. After all, that’s what hurt our marriage. I guess that’s understandable. I feel like we HAVE to get sex back to develop (or restore) intimacy and trust. So, it’s a work in progress.

And I totally understand everyone talking about giving/receiving oral! I LOVE giving, but it has really been freaking me out since I found out about the affair. Really grossed me out sometimes to know another man was there. I know condoms weren’t used, she told me as much! Gross! I decided I am going to take it back though. I am going to make that mine!

Affairs usually do not happen in a perfect world, marraige, or a vacuum.

I spent the better part of 20 years trying to do things the right way to resolve certain issues and problems. Given the focus of this thread, I was in a marriage that was on the borderline of being officially sexless. Some years it was, some years we had sex that put it slightly above being sexless. We had a lot of sexual issues troubling the marraige before infidelity. It was a major contribuing issue that influenced my wayward thinking. For about 3 years, I had gotten to the point where I was willing to risk or end the marriage due to both sexual and relationship issues/problems.

Regarding oral sex, I have always been willing and interested to perform oral on my wife. She has never been willing or interested in performing oral on me. She has always considered it too gross and icky. She has never been willing or able to try to push through that issue for me. At this point in my life, it appears that I will actually never know what it is like to recieve oral sex.

Regarding HPV. It was my understanding we were both virgins when we were married 31 years ago. I found out a few years ago that she was diagnosed as having HPV about 33 or 34 years ago when she was starting to have precancerous cervix issues and monitoring. Didn't know about all of that for most of the marraige. Just found out a few years ago that HPV is considered primarily a sexually transmitted disease.

I must admit, with the recent knowledge and awareness regarding HPV and possible health related issues associated with oral sex, my desire, interest, and willingness to perform oral on my wife has substantially diminished.

HPV possitive 20 year old virgin? That's her story and she is sticking to it.

Since my wayward activities were primarily online emotional affair related with online sexting, my real life hands on experience is still limited to my wife. I did have a few dating make out sessions with a couple of other young ladies before I met my wife. That experience was strictly limited to above the waist activities, mostly kissing.

At anyrate, over the last few years, my wife seems to have somewhat developed a willingness and interest in maintaining a moderate / modest sex life. Which is a significant increase from the previous 25 years. Actually, about 2 months post D-Day, once my wife decided to try to attempt Reconciliation, she initiated physical intimacy. From my perspective, compared to our marriage before D-Day, our sex life/physical intimacy actually started to noticeable improve post D-Day.

Rideitout:

if I came on here and said my wife cheated because I was emotionally distant and made her feel alone,

...we'd tell you no, that's not why she cheated. She cheated because she was selfish/conflict avoidant/poor coping mechanisms/all of the above. Yes, maybe the BH was emotionally distant and made her feel alone - but she had options. Options that were healthier and more productive. Suggesting the BH now be super emotionally connected screams pick me dance, which doesn't work.

There's a time for tackling pre-A marital concerns regarding the BS. It's not at the start of reconciliation. The BS needs a certain measure of safety and healing before taking on the issues that existed before they were gutted and victimized by the affair. I had shit to work on from before the A, but I was in no way capable of making changes while I was still nursing my wounds from the betrayal.

Sorry for the t/j PP: felt that should be clarified for any newbies who might venture into your thread. But, I want to add this for you PP...is it possible that your H knows he's at risk for throat cancer if he's performs oral on you? It's fairly common knowledge after Michael Douglas announced to the world his throat cancer came from HPV transmitted via oral sex. Maybe this is his fear and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by voicing this?

[This message edited by sassylee at 1:32 AM, December 28th (Thursday)]

Yeah, idk on that. My WH did not cheat bc he was not sexually satisfied. I'm hot. Like, a legitimate smoke show, lol. I work hard to look the way I do, and I have so much lingerie. He was a very happy man in that department, and he does not deny that now. If me not giving him a BJ causes him to cheat again, I don't even know. I know he'd lose a lot more than just oral sex--he'd lose me and his family. His cheating issues stem from his crappy childhood and poor modeling/self preservation/problems with emotions and opening up/abusive drug addicted mom. Not sex. I'm not sure, but I'd bet that most people who are not SA and cheat don't do it bc of just sex. I mean, say you're a married man and you don't feel like you're getting enough whatever in bed but everything is pretty good with your M. Do you just go grab a BJ? Nah. There has to be more.

I mean, say you're a married man and you don't feel like you're getting enough whatever in bed but everything is pretty good with your M. Do you just go grab a BJ? Nah. There has to be more.

Has to be more? No, I'd say it really can be as simple as "I wanted a BJ", perhaps coupled with "and I'm an entitled a** who doesn't care who I hurt". But the objective with the cheating isn't to get into an emotional thing, it's perhaps not even to see the woman again, it's to get a BJ. I say this, because I know men who do exactly this, either with pros, ONS's, or an ongoing "relationship" when someone who's willing to do for them what their wives won't. I recall an interview I read a long time ago with a prostitute and her basic discussion point was "I do what wives won't". Now, I understand, men visiting pros is different than a typical A, but I'd argue, from my experience (limited) of men in A's, the desire really is "a BJ", it's not "hurt my wife" or "get ego kibbles", it's for a BJ.

I told my WW that I didn't want to have unprotected sex (including oral) until she was tested. After the tests were clear, nothing was off limits. I felt like all kinds of contact (which we practiced for 14 + years) was essential to reconnection. Did I have negative feelings or thoughts about performing certain acts based on what happened? Absolutely. I had to work through those feelings. However, I respectfully disagree with one of the earlier comments that your H has the right to refuse to perform based on your A. Sex is the glue between partners. I want to make my W feel good and I feel more connected when I do. There shouldn't be barriers between you and your BH if you are working on R. I'm not withholding physically or emotionally while I try to rebuild a stronger marriage.

I couldn't agree more, going into R with a list of "here's what I won't do anymore" (for the BS) is a terrible way to look at things, IMHO. Especially when it's sexual in nature, that's asking the WS to live in a relationship that will forever deny them certain experiences; does that sound like something that's done out of love or out of spite (especially if you used to do them together)? Yes, it can be hard, I'm dealing with it personally with my WW. But I just can't imagine denying her things in bed sexually as "payback" for the A, which IMHO, is what I see some of here. Not everyone, and I don't want to insult people, we all have our reasons, and we all have our own path to R. But, in general, I think that R should be both people working as hard as they can to come back together emotionally and physically. Not one person having important things pulled away from them because the BS "didn't really like it and doesn't feel they deserve it anymore".

My WW never cared about receiving oral. So it's only happened maybe twice. But then I found out she invited receiving oral from the AP many times. So I guess she either does like that OR she just liked it from him.

Now that I know she actually does enjoy it I still can't bring myself to do it. Partly because they always had unprotected sex, but mostly because she wanted oral from the OM. She also allowed him to do things she doesn't like. She has always stopped me if I did anything that wasn't her thing. But she continued to let him do whatever he wanted. I actually think she even enjoyed those things with him.

But like others have said I think for a man giving oral is more intimate than just having sex. Now that she has let the OM do it and enjoyed it I can't and won't do that. It would be a huge trigger and would probably turn me completely off.

I'd say it really can be as simple as "I wanted a BJ", perhaps coupled with "and I'm an entitled a** who doesn't care who I hurt".

See? You even mentioned the more yourself in your rebuttal. Visiting a prostitute is drastically different than doing whatever with whoever and it not being a paid for service. IMO.

I know a lot of hookers, actually. Dozens. I used to work in gentleman's clubs so I'm keenly aware of their reasoning and practices, trust me. I also know scores of men who have used them. I'd agree that most of them aren't looking for a relationship, but just an act, barring a few crazies, of course. But if you're not paying whatever for a BJ and heading home, that's that, there is a more to it than just wanting a BJ. The guy could ask his wife for one, she could say yes or no. But why doesn't he? Bc there's more to it than "just" wanting a BJ.

If my WH wanted some kind of sex he could have found a hooker. They're everywhere. Literally everywhere. But he didn't. Why? BC there's more to it than that with him, and probably many, but not all, obviously, others.

Also, I didn't start with a list of sex acts I'm no longer doing. I'm doing what I want now. What feels right to me, doesn't make me cry, feel used, discusted, or conjure up mind movies. The BJ is hard for reasons listed above by me and others. I can't imagine a time where it won't be like that, but I'm trying not to live in a world of nevers. Which is hard.