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This may not be the right forum, or it may be too much TMI but I am wondering how sex changed for everyone during reconciliation, after HB?

We went from daily or 2x a day during HB, to every other day then to 2-3x a week and that is where it has stayed.

Just one thing hasn't happened, he isn't or hasn't, tried to do the one thing that most women want (trying not to be to graphic, but I think you get my drift) in bed.

I want to ask why, but I don't know if I want to know the answer. There are no other areas of the bedroom that haven't been taken care of for either of us, just this one for me.

I can't remember what was discussed about it in terms of my affair and AP, I wonder if he can't bring himself to do it. I wonder if it is because my AP gave me HPV and now it's a huge turn off.

I'm fine with out it, but now it's like will it never happen again? Is this normal? Any advice?

My guess is that doing that thing that you like (if I am getting the right idea) would be very up close and personal view of where another man has been.

Just my take.

Have you thought to ask him?

Is this something that your AP did? If that's the case, does your BH know? If that's the case, the idea of doing it might be traumatizing.

It could be at this point that he doesn't feel as if he owes you anything sexually.

The HPV could definitely be it. That could go two ways. He either doesn't understand that the HPV is not a health concern for him when it comes to oral sex, or there is a gross out element to it.

My best advice is to be forward and ask him how he feels.

Have you thought to ask him?

Yes. I have but like when? I don't feel the time is ever...um appropriate?

Is this something that your AP did?

Yes. I am not sure what about that if any my BH knows. I honestly can't remember the 1000's of conversations we have had about the sex I'm sure he knows. He may have even read it in conversations he found. Actually now I do remember we have talked about it because my AP made a graphic request and I told my BH about it.

It could be at this point that he doesn't feel as if he owes you anything sexually.

I don't think it's that. I've had an orgasm every time since dday thanks to his ....efforts.

The HPV could definitely be it. That could go two ways. He either doesn't understand that the HPV is not a health concern for him when it comes to oral sex, or there is a gross out element to it.

I think it is more of a gross factor. He was HPV negative, and I had a low strain of it. But still gross. Probably just gross to go where another man has been.

Now that I've answered those questions I can see why he wouldn't want to do it. I think it's understandable, I am ok with it. I just don't want him being repulsed for life. UGH.

This thread is an excellent example of why sexual needs and desires are important conversations to have. Just as many WW have no idea what their husbands are thinking about sex post affair (reclaiming, acts of intimacy, sexual validation tied to masculinity) there are plenty of Men who lack understanding of their wives desires unless they are vocalized, and would be equally clueless.

I assume you are referring to Oral sex on his behalf?-

Well if so it’s likely he sees your genitals as tainted by the other man, and therefore dirty. He doesn’t want to give the most intimate act a man could provide a woman sexually because he has to literally face where the other man put his genitals... it’s hard to explain but it’s not uncommon.. it goes along with not wanting to feel cuckolded. Like when they say don’t shit where you eat, but the inverse, and he doesn’t want to eat what’s soiled...I hope that’s not too graphic but it may be an explanation.

He also may not feel any need to do something for you that’s exclusively for your sexual pleasure just yet. If he doesn’t get sexual pleasure from it, he may not want to reward you by being selfless after your betrayal..

It could be anyone of those things but those are few ideas that pop into my mind...I also wouldn’t want to put my mouth where the OM has been, if would still feel like he was humiliating me somehow...

Hope this helps ...

Actually now I do remember we have talked about it because my AP made a graphic request and I told my BH about it.

This could have something to do with it. I have only been able to give WH oral a handful of times since dday because of what he said to his AP. TBH, I look at that as his loss without much sympathy for him.

Edited to add: the only way to know is to ask him.

[This message edited by SadieMae at 11:47 AM, December 21st, 2017 (Thursday)]

I'm assuming that is the reason, he just can't get that up close and personal where another man has been.

I'm ok with that. I feel badly but that won't stop me from satisfying him sexually.

Unfortunately my BH read some really graphic stuff in a span of a 3 day chat between me and my AP and that has not helped things. We had unprotected sex (because I was dumb and believed he really had only ever been with is wife). UGH! I'm such an idiot. Its like a hell that never ends.

I am a BS and since dday 3 years ago I have a hard time giving him oral. It triggers me because I imagine all the other women who did the same. Sex in general is a trigger but oral is a huge trigger. He understands that is now one of the consequences of his A’s and he NEVER asks me to do that for him because of my feelings I have toward it. It’s interesting to me that I can have sex but oral was my boundary when he had both with all the OW. Not sure why it is that way but it is. I am almost positive your H has similar hangups.

Remember this is very traumatic in SO many ways for the BS. Allow him his space and time to do what he is mentally prepared to do. You may never get that back and you Need to still be grateful for Reconciliation in all the different forms it may take and understand things will never be the same. He is doing the best he can with the living nightmare he finds himself in.

Oral sex, man to a woman, is far more "personal" for many of us (or, to speak about myself, me) than sex. I've had sex with many more women than I've had oral sex with. I know it's not the same way for women, a women will often view a BJ as the "next step" from a kiss, for a man, it's the "biggest step" in a lot of ways mentally (except that we know sex is a bigger deal for women, and want it because it's a big deal and know what it means to you; same thing with other things like anal sex/bondage/etc).

So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he probably doesn't want to be that intimate with you yet. After reading a lot of your posts, I don't have much good advice to give, you're doing it, just keep it up. Maybe give him a whole lot of oral sex to completion; show him you want to be that kind of intimate with him (having his semen in your mouth) and maybe he'll start to feel that way about you again? Remember, quit/spit/swallow, there's no choice for a man, it's "swallow", so think of it the way a BW might, why would she do something so intimate for a man who recently betrayed her.

Also, one other thing, maybe get explicit with him in a non-sexual setting to let him know your thinking about it? Have no idea what his appetite for things like this is, but "I know it's not right of me to ask, but I want you to know, I'm dying for you to go down on me again and make me orgasm like nobody else ever has" might very well play into his psyche (it would mine). Just make sure it's not at a "sexy time" so he doesn't feel pressured, just drop the hint and let it build. It would work for me.

So my whole view of oral sex is pretty off. My BH doesn't ever, I mean once in 20 years has he been able to finish that way. It's not his thing. So I thought maybe I was doing it wrong, he didn't like it, etc etc. But he pretty much just told me he likes it as foreplay but not the actual end all be all for him, that is regular intercourse.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:58 PM, January 7th (Sunday)]

Actually now I do remember we have talked about it because my AP made a graphic request and I told my BH about it.

There could be something here. He likely has a very visual and graphic representation of that message going through his mind.

Not to be too graphic, but Rideitout gave some good advice. Give to your husband as you'd like given to you. Think about the message you are sending with what you are doing and how you are doing it.

I think it is more of a gross factor. He was HPV negative, and I had a low strain of it. But still gross. Probably just gross to go where another man has been.

Yes. I've experienced this myself. I think that if this is what is going on, it will fade after time.

Yes. I have but like when? I don't feel the time is ever...um appropriate?

NOT during intimate time. Don't bring it up in a way that might put him on the defensive (i.e. you feel like you are unfulfilled).

Honestly, I'd suggest you sit down with him, pour some wine (or coffee or whatever your thing is) and ask if he would be comfortable having a discussion about intimacy and sex. From there, just be honest with him about what you want sexually, and ask if there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. Based on your history, there is a lot that you two need to work on in this area.

I am not your BH, so I can't say how he would respond to this request, but I can say as a rule that I deal best with direct communication whenever possible.

As a side note, kudos to you for sticking around. I know I, for one, was pretty hard on you on some threads. I hope you understand that my advice was all intended to serve you in your reconciliation.

For me, it was and is a huge trigger. My wife allowed men to orgasm inside her. So it has been a sticking point to this day (11 years). Sometimes I do and sometimes I just cant. There are a couple of things my wife allowed the AP to do that she would not let me do. After the affair she was then willing to let me. I couldn't. It hurt me to the core and was one of the hardest things to recover from. And that wound still bleeds from time to time. We have had long talks about it which helped but still...

I think he would think something was seriously wrong with me or that I was acting if I said I was wanting him to go down on me. He would laugh. Honestly. UGH.

One further thing. Sexual compatibility is a reasonable requirement for a marriage. Maybe he would laugh. If he does, that gives you one important answer as to where you two stand. If you need reinforcements, go to a sex therapist.

Personally, I would be very into the idea that my SO was discovering some things about herself and wanted to explore them with me. I am not your BH though, and the fact that your sexual awakening was related to your affair is a hard pill to swallow.

The only way you get through this is with direct communication.

Maybe send him an e-mail? I know, it seems silly, but if it's easier for you to tell him things like this in words (which you seem to have a gift for), maybe that would be better.

And, don't take what I said as gospel. There are guys out there who don't like to "finish" with a BJ. Some can't, they have hangups about it, religious objections, family history, abuse, etc. I think what I said, for me and men I'm friendly with, would hold true, but it's not universal, and I didn't mean to imply that it was.

I will say this, hopefully not getting to graphic, the experience of "finishing" with a woman is unique and special to a lot of men. But if we think the woman doesn't want to do it, we're not going to want to. But, for me, yes, it does feel better than finishing sexually, because it's a lot more intimate. I may be alone on this, so I don't want to extend my thoughts to other men, but I have heard people express that to me before. And maybe that's not his thing; that's OK too, what I'd encourage isn't to do that one act, it's to do what he wants, even if he's afraid to tell you. Does he want you to dress a certain way? Does he want anal sex? Does he want you to dominate him? Whatever it is, if you are open to it, it's going to make him much more likely to want to do things specifically to please you. Don't please him the way the OM liked, please him some new way; that could be the hang up, especially if he knows the OM really liked it when you gave him a BJ. So make it about something else, something new, something unique to you two, and maybe that will make him feel comfortable opening up to you that way in the future.

For some (at least one, me) men, there's nothing that's "too far" sexually. So, pick out a typical male fantasy and try it. If that's not his thing, try another. But you're almost certainly not going to get rejected, because, most of us really enjoy those things and want to experience them with our wives. But you'll have to initiate this stuff because, right now anyway, his pride and confidence is blown, he barely feels like you want to sleep with him, let alone get out the costumes and role play in Avatar suits. :)

//graphic response// I'll answer bc I had the same issue when I found out my wife had sex with another man while we were engaged. I found out a couple years after the fact, but it's all I could think of when it came time for sex. I refused for over a year.

I think that the unprotected sex that you had with AP is getting to him. Not bc of HPV, not bc sometime else has been there. I think it's more of a grossing out factor, as in, "his finished in there and his stuff was in there, I'm not putting my tongue in there". Obviously he knows that you've cleaned yourself since then, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to get the OM's stuff in his mouth.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:50 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

We have never had an issue having the act of sex but all the stuff around sex is the issue. I do not think we were sexually compatible. In fact, we were dating for 7 years before marriage because sex was an issue. I was young and in experienced, he was older and had been with many women, I felt inadequate, but we are working on it.

He has has ideas of what I like, don't like, how I act, sound, what I do or don't do. Its like I can't break past that, I'm 39 now, when we met I was 20. I've changed. I feel like if I go out of my "norm" that will throw him off, upset him or making him feel like I am acting for his sake.

As for his "special thing" its anal sex, which I am open to and provide to him. Its not my favorite thing, but I think he see's it as an true act of love on my behalf.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:56 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

Personally, I would be very into the idea that my SO was discovering some things about herself and wanted to explore them with me. I am not your BH though, and the fact that your sexual awakening was related to your affair is a hard pill to swallow.

This is like my recurring fantasy for the past 20 years of marriage. So, yeah, I think it's more than just you, I think there are a lot of spouses out there who wake up every day and hope today is "the day" the H/W decides they want to discover new things sexually with them. That's why I said, try something, for many men, just the willingness to try things you haven't done before (ever or with them), even if they don't particularly enjoy it, would be a tremendous turn on. It shows "all in" for the R. I'm sure you've already read it, but there was a great post about this a few weeks back, "For all waywards trying to R". A lot of opinions expressed there, but, if there's an underlying theme, it's the BH's (myself included) in there saying the same thing I'm telling you. What do you have to be afraid of? What's "kinkier" then sleeping with another man? The answer is "nothing", in fact, the answer is "nothing is even close" that you can do in the bounds of married relationship.

Honestly, I think you're going to get this; I really do. You are hearing the advice and acting on it, so I won't give you 25 different scenarios or comparisons. Blow his mind, make what happened between you and the AP look like 2 grade schoolers holding hands and I have a pretty good suspicion that he'll get to the point where he wants to blow your "mind" (LOL) again.

He has has ideas of what I like, don't like, how I act, sound, what I do or don't do. Its like I can't break past that, I'm 39 now, when we met I was 20. I've changed. I feel like if I go out of my "norm" that will throw him off, upset him or making him feel like I am acting for his sake.

You still need to be you.

I feel like if I go out of my "norm" that will throw him off, upset him or making him feel like I am acting for his sake.

It might. But doing nothing isn't better. It's actually a lot worse. Yes, he may be thrown off balance, he may not want to do it, it may be too much, he may not be able to finish, he may say no. All of those things are entirely possible. But if you don't try, you won't know. And, I can promise you, even if he says "no" he will also think "wow, she really put some effort/thought/consideration/etc into it". Not all men want to do everything. Some do. And most men, although I get yelled at for generalizing, are open to trying new things. So try them. Normally, I'd say it's on him to lead, but, because of the A, the situation isn't "normal", you have to be the one to put it out there for him. It gives him a lot of power to reject you, something many people are deathly afraid of, and I get it, it's hard. But don't do nothing; if you try, he's going to see it and react to it, and you'll know if it's helping or hurting. I suspect it will help, but nobody knows for sure until you start trying.

Hey, what's better than having homework from SI to go have some intimate/fun/new sex with your lover? Wish I could get that assignment at work!

This was a huge trigger for me. I really enjoyed and she responded extremely well to oral. I would say it was part our repitore 90% of the time.

When I found out that I had performed on her the same day she had unprotected sex with her AP. We went from thousands of times over 25 years to me trying it twice, for about 2 seconds before I almost threw up in my mouth, over the next five years.

I know she missed it, it was very personal to us, but she never said anything. I think it was a can of worms she would rather have left unopened.

Did anything similar happen with your husband? Does he think it might have?