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While it may not seem like it now, I think that yours has been one of the quickest and "cleanest" from discovery to WS admitting guilt and getting the divorce ball rolling that I have seen here at SI.

I think that you did all the right things. You handled the shit sandwich very well.

Thanks Mickey. It seems like it's been a lot longer than 2.5 weeks, but every day that passes makes me want to get away from her more and more.

If an R were to happen, WS would have A LOT of heavy lifting to do and I'm not sure I could trust her again anyway.

Too much life left ahead of me for this shit! I'll continue to be the best father I can be to my daughters, and move on with my own life.

Thanks Mickey. It seems like it's been a lot longer than 2.5 weeks, but every day that passes makes me want to get away from her more and more.

If an R were to happen, WS would have A LOT of heavy lifting to do and I'm not sure I could trust her again anyway.

Too much life left ahead of me for this shit! I'll continue to be the best father I can be to my daughters, and move on with my own life.

You're going to have rough days and you're going to have good days. Just that you can even type out these sentences at this point is an AMAZING sign. Seriously. You clearly value your self-worth and that is what this will come down to.

Look at it this way. If you bought the car of your dreams and it drove very well for a few years, you'd think it was a great purchase. But then it breaks down on you during a snowstorm. You bring it in, it has 800 things wrong with it. You can either fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy and to your own pride and throw money at it until it's fixed, or evaluate your entire universe of decisions. Is this the right car for you NOW?

Clearly human relationships cannot be boiled down so easily, but rather than looking at what was lost look at it as you now know something new. Do you deserve what is happening right now? The answer is emphatical no. You are a good guy, your heart is in the right place and you have a lot of love to give. She's losing a ton but what can you do?

I'm an engineer. I can't tell you how many times I've watched co-workers or employees of mine work themselves out of a job. They're smart people otherwise, but they're just flawed in so many ways. It used to boil my blood early on, but at some point I gave up and only worry about things within my sphere of influence. This sphere is a healthy little bubble that endeavors to do the right thing 100% of the time. I don't always achieve it but I try. Right now you need to build this sphere around you and holistically assess what healthy resources exist in this world which should join you in there. Good people. Productive employment. Beneficial habits such as exercise. You have 100% control of what goes into it.

This is a long way of saying your view is EXACTLY right. You are this healthy individual and there is this broken individual, on whom the burden exists 100% to try to convince *you* that she belongs back in there. If she doesn't? 100% nothing you can do about it. Her loss.

She will probably want to R soon. The consequences are starting to set in and she will be wanting to escape back into your good graces. She was really pissed that you pull the plug on the affair by contacted the his wife. You took her cake away and I seriously doubt he will leave his wife to be with yours. His wife could be working on delivering more consequences like reporting her or the affair to the HR department.

Anyway you are doing great so far. Most chumps do the pick me dance in the beginning because of the shock, they just want "normal" back, but the more they learn about the betrayal they become increasing disgusted by their cheater and decide life will be better without them.

Be prepared she is going to want to R pretty soon, I would bet a dozen jelly donuts it will happen in the next few days.

Thank you Shark, that was well-written and very inspiring! That's a post I'm going to save and come back to when I need a reminder of my end-game.

Hi all,

It's been a while since my last post, and unfornuately I've had a backslide.

The day after my last post, she came back from her business trip and seemed very mindful of my detachment/distance towards her. She wasn't cold or distant, actually acted very warm towards me. Wanted to start a conversation about ideas for how we would separate, and I said I really wasn't up for that now, let's talk the following day. I then told her the reason why I notified the OMS, not out of malice but because it was the right thing to do, and I would do it again. She got pissed and asked why I had been texting the OMS all week after breaking the news to her. I didn't know what the hell she meant, she then told me the OM told my wife that his wife said I had been texting her all week and that she was going to "f%ck" me for revenge. I laughed hard at that and showed my wife my texts as proof that I hadn't done anything like that. She said I could have deleted them, and I asked her if she honestly thought I would do something like that. She said probably not, and I could see in her eyes that she believed she had fallen for this bullshit.

After that discussion, she sat down and in the nicest way possible asked if we could just have a nice conversation about.... whatever. And I fell for the niceness and apparent attention hook, line and sinker. We went into the spare room, sat down and just talked, and soon into it I found myself trying to convince her to give it another shot. She resisted and said she wanted a guy that would want to hold her hand, wash dishes with her, laugh and joke, and on and on. All the things we used to do, but now with the new guy in the picture she's apparently forgotten that she just described me. And all my defenses crumbled and I went back to wanting her back more than anything in this world.

She would continue to text him in the wee hours of the morning before anyone else was up, and one morning I surprised her and walked in on their conversation. But that wasn't enough to deter me, because I was at the point where i was only hearing and seeing what I wanted, ignoring the fact that she was still in an affair. I took every nice gesture, smile and kind word to mean she was going to end it and we would start reconciliation.

Last weekend was very nice, especially with me in my stupor. We communicated well, joked around and had a good time with each other. She had a class to go to on Sunday which took up most of the day, but when she got back we had family game night and by the end of the weekend I was on Cloud 9.

Last night we were having another nice conversation when she got a text. It was OM, telling her that his wife would probably be contacting me because he had just broken it to her that he was still seeing my wife. And right there, all the rainbows and unicorns I had surrounded myself with disappeared. I asked some pointed questions, and got worse answers. That he had attended the class she went to with her, so they got to spend all Sunday together. That she sees him every opportunity she gets. That he will be leaving his wife and they plan on having a life together after. And the one that hit hardest....that she loves him.

I feel like such a schmuck for letting myself feel anything for her after my last post. I ignored any reason to stop the pursuit, and instead dove right in on a glimmer (most likely false) of hope.

Having a day to reflect, I feel a sense of relief on top of the hurt. Relief that I won't be clinging to hope anymore and will stop putting myself through the torture. But the hurt is still raw.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh I am so sorry. This makes my heart hurt to know that she just took you for a ride with all the lies. It feels like a very deliberate knife in the back. I guess if there is a bright side she had definitely killed any last chance of R.

Hugs to ((((you)))

Quit feeding her cake.

All you are going is lowering your status.

She resisted and said she wanted a guy that would want to hold her hand, wash dishes with her, laugh and joke, and on and on.

Lol... the sh!t waywards say... such bullsh1t..yep when the OM "romp well" dries up.. those dishes are staying in the sink...

I am sorry you let your guard down...

Her relationship with the OM will fail, the addiction and chemical high will wane and she will come calling and begging... remember this moment.. remember and don't look back.

From here on out, don't let your guard down... start doing new hobbies and things you enjoy. Most of all, build a new you, someone she is not rated to have.

[This message edited by atreides at 2:42 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

People believe what they want to believe. You wanted her back so much that you interpreted everything she did as positive. Just being civil was enough.

Your wife did you a favor by wanting a life with the OM. A few truly positive words from her would have kept you on the string forever.

she wanted a guy that would want to hold her hand, wash dishes with her, laugh and joke, and on and on

msrodg

She could have you for the above and the OM on the side for sex. You would have forgiven her over and over again if she said anything remotely positive. You’re very lucky that the OM is willing to take her on full time. She had to kick herself out which was what you needed.

she then told me the OM told my wife that his wife said I had been texting her all week and that she was going to "f%ck" me for revenge.

I laughed hard at that and showed my wife my texts as proof that I hadn't done anything like that. She said I could have deleted them, and I asked her if she honestly thought I would do something like that. She said probably not,

msrodg

This proves to your wife once again how much she can take you for granted. You're such a great guy that there is no way in the world that you would have sex with another woman no matter what she had done.

See what being a great guy gets you? You’re like an old comfortable shoe that will always be there. The OMS tried not to be an old shoe and you ratted her out.

If it doesn’t work out with the OM she will probably come back to you because she knows that you will be happy to see her. What will you do then?

[This message edited by Michigan at 3:17 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

Sometimes it takes the cold hard truth to wake us up.

What are your plans?

bah, we all fuck up. I have seen WAY worse here.

Look at it this way, she has continued to dick you around in the worst way possible. Taking a step back and looking at this from 10,000 feet isn't this *exactly* what you need to close the door on this evil, broken person?

I'm late to the party, but I have to comment.

OP, I'm sorry you got cheated on. Most of us here know how it feels. But you are the classic example of a BH who listens to good advice, sounds like he's finally getting it, but is so co-dependent he caves and fails to follow it. You could have avoided further humiliation, self debasement and hurt, if only you had. Not only that, if your WW had been truly remorseful, following that same advice would have put you in the best position to consider R.

But Michigan is right. You are damn lucky that she went back to this OM right away. Otherwise you'd be rug sweeping her A and be afraid to make her accept consequences. You'd be in a miserable false R and it would just be a matter of time before she went back to this OM or found another exit affair.

You need to get IC for your co-dependency issue so the same thing doesn't happen in your next relationship.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:18 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

Well, tonight my plans are to put my daughters to bed then head over to my parents house (they live 10 minutes away) to get some well-needed sleep. I'll get up early and back to my house before the d's wake up so they don't see anything, and I'll not let the WAW know where or what I'm doing. Probably do the same for the next few nights, to detach myself.

I will be proceeding with the divorce as originally planned. The papers have already been served, but I held out hope that we would R in the meantime. Sure don't see that happening now.

What you said is too true Michigan, and I let her do it to me like a puppy dog. If there's any R, she'll have a lot of work to do to win me back and I doubt she's up for it. I just have to remember how this feels when I'm at a low spot.

If there's any R, she'll have a lot of work to do to win me back

Just wow.

badmemory, please elaborate.

badmemory, please elaborate.

As you wish.

Your wife just brutally betrayed you. She continued to do so while having discussions with you about salvaging the marriage. Essentially rejecting and betraying you twice. She didn't show an ounce of remorse and had relegated you to nothing more than a plan B option. She is still actively cheating.

Yet even after all this, you are seriously considering R if she "does a lot of work". So that inevitably, you can set yourself up to be rejected, humiliated and betrayed once again. She's shown you who she is, but you don't won't to believe her. That's co-dependence.

At this point, you shouldn't even consider R as an option and be headed for divorce at full speed.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:10 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

badmemory, please elaborate.

He's marveling that, even after the week long mind fuck she just put your through, you'd still take her back.

Weak.

You both are right, and I suppose the only reason I mentioned an R was me clinging to the idea of a nuclear family for the sake of our daughters. That and the fact I'm still raw with everything.

He's marveling that, even after the week long mind fuck she just put your through, you'd still take her back.

Yeah, that too NF.

Look msrodg, I don't feel good about giving you a 2x4. I know you're hurting. You feel guilty about your marital shortcomings. I get it. But when she cheated that changed everything. EVERYTHING. Your marital problems were no longer the issue. Her cheating was.

You have got to find you anger and use it to fuel your resolve, to put this horrible woman out of your life.