SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But in those messages I also saw a sadness from her at the state of our marriage that mixed up my resolve something fierce

Oh yes, they all are sad that their marriage is so crappy that they had no other choice than to cheat. See it for what it really is - rationalizations to help them not to throw up when they see themselves in the mirror...

Sunday I figured out his wife's e-mail by luck, and sent her the news.

Stand tall, with integrity, for telling the other betrayed spouse. Well done.

I know DarkHole, and you're totally right and now I see it for what it really is. Guess the anger I am feeling now was long overdue!

Thanks Timeless, it felt really good when I got her response. Regardless of what happens in my marriage, I know I did the right thing telling her. And if it fucks up his life, that's a huge bonus!

I've just read your entire thread. I'm happy to see where you've progressed. You're much healthier now than when you first posted. This anger and refusal to be anyone's chump will see you through this with your head held high. Please continue along this current path and you'll come out of this in a good place.

Thanks for the encouragement Cincy! I was telling a coworker how better this all feels with the anger in control. Wished it would have hit earlier, but better late than never.

Glad you reached the anger stage. Everyone processes things at their own rate.

Good job outing the OM to his wife. Remember, you are doing the right thing. You are helping her move out of infidelity too. You should be proud of yourself. Trouble for the POSOM is just a side effect. That you gain joy from that is understandable (I would in your position).

Have you hired your own attorney? Her attorney can do the heavy lifting, but make sure you have someone looking out for you.

I've spoken to one and will speak to another tomorrow. From those conversations I'll have my list of terms to give the WS to give to her attorney, then hire one of my own when needed.

Plus, I've got a coworker who is divorced 2.5 years from a cheating husband, and she's ruthless. She's taken me under her wing and has offered great advice, so I'll be good.

You need your own attorney, pronto. Don’t sign anything. Don’t waive service. Do nothing until you gave your own counsel.

PlanC is right. Don't send her anything directly. Hire your attorney and let him deal directly with hers. You could find yourself causing issues in the the divorce process now and having greater legal bills down the road trying to fix things.

Actions speak louder then words. She was sad at the state of her M....that she was working so hard on. She then turned around when caught and simply asked for your D terms. That is not someone that is sad or remorseful. I'm so sorry she had to out you through this instead I'd bejng a person of courage and integrity.

You are doing the right thing. She is not remorseful at all. Not one bit. Keep pushing forward, and never tell her what you are doing from now on.

Now that the asswipe’s wife knows and told your wife to stay away it will be interesting to see how he reacts. If it is true love and he is ready to leave her, oh well. My gut tells me he will freak out and try to save his marriage. Your wife was just sex to him and an adventure. Men lie and express love to get laid.

If he dumps your wife she will probably be surprised and hurt. Women tend to think men are more invested that they really are in these situations. And she may come to you with a different attitude. Don’t fall for that...unless you want to be Plan B until a new guy comes along. Rwmember, right now she is ready to leave your marriage, hurt you, and devastate your daughters with this.

By the way, has that trip they were taking together for work happened already?

So sorry this happened to you. Read your entire thread and boy was she pissed that her cake is gone, you smashed that cake, excellent job. Seriously though you had a moral obligation to tell the his wife. The affair is pretty much over unless he leaves his wife and children for your cheater which is extremely unlikely. His wife may leave him or she might report the affair to HR. Stay strong and focused on the divorce. She is starting to face the consequences of her decision to cheat on you so be prepared for her to beg you for a 2nd chance. Man she was reaaly

You should file not her. Let her see your terms in the petition for dissolution of marriage.

Take control.

msrodg

Bravo! You have taken some strong actions and should be very proud of yourself! We are proud of you! You may not see this now,

(but we have seen it over and over again here)

but despite your being in the middle of this horrible traumatic nightmare, you have just minimized further injury and saved yourself even more pain-----because this could have dragged on for a long time with her eating cake.

boy was she pissed that her cake is gone, you smashed that cake, excellent job. Seriously though you had a moral obligation to tell the his wife. The affair is pretty much over unless he leaves his wife and children for your cheater which is extremely unlikely. His wife may leave him or she might report the affair to HR. Stay strong and focused on the divorce. She is starting to face the consequences of her decision to cheat on you so be prepared for her to beg you for a 2nd chance.

^^^WORD.

Don't send her anything directly. Hire your attorney and let him deal directly with hers.

You should file not her. Let her see your terms in the petition for dissolution of marriage.

You need your own attorney, pronto. Don’t sign anything. Don’t waive service. Do nothing until you have your own counsel.

never tell her what you are doing from now on

Let all communication be between your lawyers from now on. It is crystal clear where she stands.

One more word of caution:

You might want to buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times from now on, to protect yourself----they cost less than $50 at the big superstores. What often happens at this stage is that the WW starts accusing the BH of domestic violence in order to get more of an upper hand.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:42 AM, January 4th (Thursday)]

Thank you all for the encouragement, I can't tell you how reassuring it is.

I'm finding the emotional roller coaster to be a chore. Yesterday I was righteous and angry and it felt great! Today, I'm less angry and the hurt has crept back some. Didn't sleep well last night, so I suspect that has something to do with it.

Don't get me wrong, nothing has changed with my plans. I don't hold out any hope for reconciliation, and I will not be a chump any longer. I will hire an attorney and have them talk to the WS lawyer, and I will not leave my house.

But damn it, I want off this roller coaster and to feel normal again!

The quickest way off the roller coaster is what you have been doing. Take yourself out of infidelity (which you have), start the 180 (sounds like you have) and file for D. You are taking back control of your life. Now you will decide where it goes, instead of being on stuck on the ride, wherever it takes you.

The quickest way off the roller coaster is what you have been doing. Take yourself out of infidelity (which you have), start the 180 (sounds like you have) and file for D. You are taking back control of your life. Now you will decide where it goes, instead of being on stuck on the ride, wherever it takes you.

Tigersrule77 nailed it.

Just wanted to say that you are doing an awesome job!