Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine.
I was also 47 with two young children when my then-wife started acting very differently.
She also started cherry-picking and listing things about our marriage that were invariably about “her needs” and my not fulfilling them.
This is the beginning of the venture into fantasy-land where the process of vilification begins for the spouse and the deification of the adultery partner at the same time.
The more my XWW praised her adultery-partner to god-like status, the more she had to bash me down as some monster in her mind - and this was all going on before D-day.
Mind you, I was never short of a complete gentleman with my then wife - never any disrespect, treated as my equal, never any name-calling, no condescension, no addictions, and no abuse of any kind,
We had our normal ups and downs but our marriage was a good one - up until she submitted to her addiction to new-relationship “high” and praise from people who know what she wants to hear like her shitty, toxic “friends” and men.
Upon finding out what was going on, she immediately blamed me and the marriage just as your wife is doing,
She claimed that she ended it with the adultery partner but it was a flagrant lie - it continued on just as before.
I immediately told her to get out, find her own place and rejected any and all blame for her acting like a total backstabbing piece of shit.
She kept on with the OM, treated me despicably, and on a weekly basis told me she was going to file for divorce but never did.
This went on for weeks and weeks.
And then, without telling her anything, I told my attorney to file for divorce and go full speed ahead with the process.
I never felt so liberated as when my attorney notified me that the divorce petition was officially filed with the court.
When my then-wife found out about my divorce filing, I immediately got a tearful phone call asking “Can we talk?” and “Can we fix this?”.
She got an attorney and his first communication to my attorney was “My client strongly desires to reconcile” and even my attorney advised that I really consider it. (Attorney already had several thousand in non-refundable retainer so it would have been easy money.)
For me, her behavior was way, way, way beyond the point of no-return and I refused any and all requests for reconciliation from my WW and both attorneys.
It was the best decision for my situation and the only regret I have is that I did not file for divorce immediately after finding out.
To this day, my XWW still blames me and the marriage - she always will because she is not mentally or emotionally equipped or strong enough to look inwardly and accept that she has a terrible problem that has caused incredible pain to those who cared for her the most - especially and most of all, our young children.
I tell you some of my story so that you might have some idea as to what you may face.
The likelihood of your WW becoming remorseful and doing the deep introspect to find out why she would succumb to such extreme selfishness and dishonesty is slim, in my opinion.
If she did not have an immediate “What have I done?!?!” realization about what she has been doing then it’s not likely to ever happen or it will be minimized as much as possible.
Just know in your heart mind and soul that what she has done has nothing to do with you or your marriage, nothing.
You must know this because if she senses anything, and I mean anything, about you that feels responsible for HER behavior then she will take full advantage of it.
Whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, your children must see that you are not accepting responsibility for someone else’s behavior - especially someone betraying your family and your trust.
You certainly don’t want them to grow up thinking that it’s their fault if something like this were to happen to them.
