SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In this one instance I will agree with the OP. He's at a point where he needs to get sh*t done. Right now he has the element of surprise whilst his WW has her head in the clouds trying to play her games.

When you're ready to drop the bomb then inform the OM's wife, the work trip will happen, and so will the sex.

If you're done being spat on and disrespected now you can move towards a place where she has no choice to be respect your moves because you are putting yourself first..

Thanks Tren0R201, those are my thoughts exactly. I can only worry about what I can control.

And yes, I am very much done getting spat on and walked over.

I am glad the veil has been lifted and you can now see how terrible she has been and how undeserving of this you are. AND your daughters. She broke up their family and do not fall for her excuses that you caused this due to lack of attention. Bullshit.

Most men have affairs for the sex and adventure. Most women do it to satisfy an emotional need for attention and care. Having said that, there is a chance that when the asswipe’s wife finds out about the affair he will freak out, fall out of his fantasy world, stop thinking with the “small head” and dump your wife to try to keep his family. And your wife may then want to try to come back to her “b plan second option”. Careful with this....it is seldom good and things don’t get better.

Your wife is very emotionally involved...acting like a stupid teenager sending romantic videos. This guy may also be...or he may only be feeding her romance to get sex. Believe me, it happens.

I am all up for R but in your case I think it is over and you need to be focused and prepare for that...especially during those times when you will miss her (or the idea of her). With this affair and how she has treated you (total lack of empathy, consideration, or respect) she showed you a huge character flaw and her true colors. Always remember that.

[This message edited by JC109 at 2:58 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

inform the OBS now. before the so called business trip. the trip may even be a sham

This summer is when she decided she was going to divorce me and contacted a lawyer, but didn't have a time

Bunch of lies

[This message edited by goalong at 4:25 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

Msrodg, you've got some good friends to challenge your ideas about letting your WW run the show. You're doing great!

The only slight push back I will offer here is that you are likely closing off the possibility of R at any point by waiting. If she goes on this trip, you know what will happen, and this knowledge will haunt you if you decide later to try to R. You may not care and be decided on a D but if you think R is at all possible you might want to stop this trip. I know you say it has to happen but really it doesn't. People get sick and miss things. It happens.

It sounds like the WS often likes to state that they had unmet needs. I'm pretty certain I'm not the only BS that also had unmet needs. I know I wasn't perfect and had promised to change... here's the thing I improved immensely. I just never got any credit for it.

* stopped undermining him with the kids and consequences

* became more aware of myself saying something disrespecting him in front of others

* showing more appreciation for both the big things and little things he does

Avoided breakdowns about the A in front of him as much as I could to help him not feel so guilty.... boy that was the MLC monster playing me like a fiddle!!!!

Yesterday was my first day out of the pick me dance.

I don't know where his head is and it's not my job to figure him out anymore. All I can really do is work on me and I'm worth working on.

Hang in there. You'll be glad to do the internal work of your shortcomings in the marriage... but you'll be more successful doing it for you rather than for her.

Here's the thing.... we can decide at any time to switch courses. It's not until we begin to value ourselves that we seem to get on the course we need to.

Maybe it is just me but I would tell her straight up that i will be filing for divorce right before she leaves on her trip. I woukd tell her why, how i feel, and everything.

Hi msrodg,

Reverse the genders and our stories are very similar. This is also my second marriage and second time being cheated on.

My (current and 2nd) WH also gave me a long list of my faults as reasons for why he cheated. (Cheaters rewrite the marriage history to justify their behavior.)

I too danced the "pick me dance" and tried to "nice" my WH back, as we have 4 kids together.

It was like an alien had taken over my WH's body---I didn't recognize him. He would look me straight in the eye and tell one lie after another while he continued to see his coworker Slunt OW.

His A finally ended when I filed.

That was over 6 years ago.

We did not end up getting divorced, but my filing got us out of infidelity.

Right now there are 3 people in your marriage.

You don't have to let your WW in on your plans, but

if I were you, this is what I would tell her right now:

"You are free to go on the business trip with POSOM (piece of sh*t other man), but not as my wife."

If your WW still goes, get your ducks in a row, but also tell POSOM's BW, so she can get her ducks in a row while he is gone.

I would bet my house that as soon as the A is exposed to POSOM's wife, he will dump your WW.

Please learn from our mistakes as we are further down this road and have been thru exactly what you are going thru right now.

Each of us may have different details, but these cheaters all follow the same playbook.

Assume that every word that comes out of your WW's mouth is a lie. Cheaters are liars.

I know how painful this is, and you do not deserve to be disrespected this way. Cheating is abusive, just as if she was stabbing you in the heart with a knife and then twisting the blade.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:31 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

The good friend also kicked me in the ass and told me that the WS is not a good person and that I must have some low self-esteem to want to fight staying married to her. She suggested I only married her because she showed me so much love in the beginning and that I felt the strong need to protect her. She also suggested I never got over the hurt of my first marriage ending due to infidelity, so I was attracted to whoever showered me with affection and "love", and jumped right in. And once we had daughters, I stayed in love with the notion of family we had made, not with her.

Pretty damn good friend to tell you straight up. Having support IRL will help immensely. Her "working theory" of your dynamics may or may not be true. They can certainly form the basis for working on yourself once you are free from being abused and hurt.

First I am very sorry but you seem to see the light from your latter posts... I hope. I wanted to chime in perhaps because it seems like you hit this second marriage from the wrong viewpoint.. something you addressed in a post of low self-esteem... I just cringe when i read

To give some backstory on our marriage, she's had some issues with me that were brought to light around year 4.

-I never wanted to do anything with just her.

-I was inattentive.

-I never brought her flowers or little gifts or love notes, anything to keep the flame alive.

-I wasn't interested in sex frequently enough. -I didn't respect her.

We talked about it few times, and I promised to change for her, but the follow-through was never permanent. I'll admit I didn't meet her expectations, but with the kids, work and life it was difficult to keep her as my number one priority. She even suggested marriage counseling, but I was resistant to that, thinking we could handle it ourselves without some stranger mucking around in our lives. Eventually, her attempts at initiating sex diminished and she got a little angrier and more distant. I didn't see the signals because I was sure she would never cheat on me or leave me because we had the perfect family. I realize now how stupid and arrogant I was.

You do realize this is all BullSh!t.. this is about re-writing to cover her new found high of which will end in a crash and you will be plan B 100% until she finds the next. Do not fall for this, you do not need counseling for the marriage until she finds counseling to fix herself first as cheating has nothing, NOTHING to do with the marriage or you, it is something that is broken within the WS. You do need confidence building and the 180 is great for that. Don't fall for her bullsh!t and work on you being a new bad-a$$, new confident man and be there for your kids.

Your goal is to get out of infidelity and at this point arm yourself for divorce even if she comes crying and begging when her new high ends, if she doesn't good on you as well. This is about you, the new you, the guy who won't put up with crap and whose respect must be earned.

[This message edited by atreides at 7:55 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

I agree with the previous poster. With kids in the mix if you have any desire whatsoever to try and keep your family intact, not your fault that is may not, i would not send her off to knowingly have sex. That's just me. Also I just wouldn't really be able to stand it. That would haunt me unless j really did not care at all. It would hurt me more You may or may not care.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:35 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

And dont forget that at some stage you need to let their employers know - doing this on company time (e.g. this last trip) should be a firable offence for both of them and I also know of a few cases where you could win compensation from the company itself for "alienation of affection".

Time to go to war.

I know you're doing what you have to do, but I would not be able to resist the temptation to see her off on her "trip" with, "Seeya. Your shit will be out on the lawn when you get back and the locks will be changed. Have a great trip!"

A little off topic but I did not tell my H's employer because I knew he would get fired. After Dday I wanted to make sure he had his high paying job so I could get good child support, kids had insurance and I would be the lower wage earner to get more in a D. That is how I was thinking at the time. It was quite an ordeal.

We ultimately are in R and he did change jobs with his rep and earning power intact. In some ways I wish I had burned that bridge down in others it is best for our family to keep our financial Footing and have one less thing to worry about.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 1:27 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

I’m trying to figure out how to contact the OMW, and I could use some advice. I know who he is through the WS emails, so I learned who she is via Google and Facebook.I would prefer to contact her anonymously with a copy of an email chain where the WS & OM gushed over each other as proof of her husband’s infidelity. The OM & family are out of state for the weekend, so I would like to get this somehow to her digitally so that I can royally fuck up my wife’s businesss trip plans next week. I have no cell phone number or email that I can find, only Facebook.

Any suggestions that I’m not thinking of?

if she works and you could find her company info you could get her work email/phone number. Most check in when traveling.

If not you have FB messenger hopefully her H doesn't monitor.

Google “background checks” and a list of different websites for finding people, including telephone numbers and emails, will come up. You may have to pay a fee to obtain this information.

P.S. Stay warm. I see it’s bone chilling cold in Illinois today.

The thing is if they work together the affair will continue.

What's important her job or the marriage?

[This message edited by Marz at 9:12 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

On her FB page, does it say where she works?

Another method I have had some success with is to type into Google search:

OM & his BW's name + church (or other community organization, like Scouts, etc.)

Oftentimes you get a church newsletter and sometimes if the person is on a committee it will list their phone #.

Also, try typing her name into Google news.

Of course, if being anonymous were not an issue, you could easily just private message her on Facebook.

Don't be afraid of your WW's reaction if you expose----you have a right to expose and POSOM's BW has a right to know.