SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That made you D? For those who were back and forth with wh/w. Those who lived years in the false R, those who did not separate as soon as they found out about A?

I gave myself until the 31st to get my stuff in order and of course life has thrown several curve balls at me.

I’ve done the pick me dance, the tango of I hate you I love you the battle raps with wh and still love the bugger.

My grandmother passed way on dec 27th after a week of hard emotional struggle. I helped care for her at night. Wh was an ass at the beginning questioning me on my neglect of our son during Xmas to be with my grandmother

He claimed she had 6 kids and lots of grandkids to help. I side drink the coolaid and felt bad. Wh had family over after years of not speaking so not only was I dealing with losing my grandmother but I had out of town guests staying at my home. So I would come home in the am and fix breakfast and dinner and was a great hostess. Wh broke down and was all into repentment and how he wanted his family etc. we ageeed to talk in a week. The funeral was yesterday and we were super busy until yesterday evening . Since then I’ve had the struggle of trying to figure things out.

My mind knows wh isn’t good for me, my heart says otherwise. I wish I could turn off my emotions but it’s so hard. I don’t know if any of you have been through this that can share their experience and what they did

I’m also afraid of wh that he will take ds to ow and will be an ass through the d. He has already threatened and we get into heated fights then we calm down because stuff come up.

Wh was a great support for me once my grandmother passed. I felt that support I needed at the time. He was attentive and helped so much

But he is bpd and he although hasn’t said anything ow is still there

I don’t know, I’m so conflicted

One of my conditions was no contact with the OW. He said she was a friend and would always be a friend. I told him then he was going to have a friend and not a wife because she wasn't going to be a third person in my marriage. I was done.

I believe even a year after the divorce that he is waiting for her to leave her husband.

He switched positions in the company to work on our marriage and no longer see her, found out 6 months later that he was not actually working earlier or later, but taking that time to visit her. I filed for divorce the day I found out. Week later, the morning he was to be served, saw sexts and I love you texts between them, knew I definitely made the right decision.

While I was on a self-imposed timeline for ultimate D, with two years left that I thought I could "stick it out," there was another D-day with another OW. But I needed proof to confront (made the mistake before and wasn't doing it again). Took me about three months to get the proof. I confronted, kicked him out that night, and started D proceedings. I just knew in my gut I was done, self-imposed timeline or not.

When you reach that point you will just know.

During false R, I kept my eyes fully open. I found that he had signed up for dating sites, used a username I would know, used his real first name and occupation. I was even able to log on his account and see what he was doing. He "advertised" that he had been single way too long. So even though he was not physically cheating, clearly the intent was there and it was on the way.

That was the final straw. Although it has had its difficult moments, I am happy to know rather than be in the dark. I also look forward to my future now.

I knew on Dday....cheating was a choice not a mistake for XWW. I knew our marriage would never be the same. People that can R....I applaud them. They are bigger people than me. Life is too short to be in a shitty marriage where you are treated like complete dog shit. 13 months post Dday I am still happy with my decision to D....I have no regrets.

After two years of R, no more cheating, but with a gradual return of his contempt and disrespect toward me, he got drunk and sent a slew of texts my way, calling me names you should NEVER call ANY woman; especially not your wife and childrens' mother who offered the gift of R after cheating on her for 17 years. Light switch moment for me. Done.

I think after all the shit, he probably assumed I'd never leave. I think the only person more surprised than him, was me.

I'm grieving the loss of the family unit, but that's about it. He was never good to me. Within a year of us dating, his devaluing of me began. It was always an uphill battle after that, for me. To be honest, I don't understand why I stayed, and kept trying.

I'm so relieved to be done with his circus.

He won’t divorce me. Somehow him cheating isn’t considered breaking us apart. I guilt but in my gut I know it’s time.

I tried.

My final straw was when he asked me what he should get her for Christmas 1 year rafter dday. This coming from wayward husband after a year past dday of listening to him saying he is doing everything to fix a relationship while I felt he was doing bare minimum. I kept waiting for him to Snap out of it and realize he needed to do so much more to fix this shit. Then he unknowingly picked her name for secret Santa, and instead of switching names with someone he felt that asking me if giving her $20 is OK. That’s when I realize that I needed to snap out of it, because he would never snap out of it enough for me and that was my last straw.

My final straw was when he asked me what he should get her for Christmas 1 year rafter dday.

Seriously? What the hell is wrong with people? Well at least you can now say “Not my monkey, not my circus”

I started working on my codependency. I set boundaries. And as hard as it was, I stuck to them. And I started educating myself on BPD. I began to realize that my life would never improve as long as he was in it. I saw that all his promises to change were lies and the only person I could control was myself. I'm not going to say it's been easy. I miss him painfully. But D is the only path to sanity.

Red fury- my wh is bpd not diagnosed but pretty much. He knows there is something wrong with him his mother has mental issues and family are all dysfunctional

He uses emotions to control me to an extent. I am codependent and it’s hard to give up. He gave me the speech about how he loves his family and doesn’t want to d me,

But he has the ow and he will never file for d. So I must

My problem is bpd they don’t fight Fair. He has constantly threatened he’d take ds to ow home. Besides this being hurtful on me, she has a teen that was molested by her own brother living with her and allows underage drinking,

And sex and who knows what else. It sickens me that he is fine with exposing our son to this. In a couple of occasions he’s said how it wasn’t a good environment for our son. But when the bpd kicks in and he feels I’m somwhow hurting him he threatens me.

He has promise me a 2018 Of growth and to leave that behind him. I didn’t believe him entirely but wanted to. He said he’s go to therapy and this and that. I was a fool. Eventhough I know him I felt that by continuing this fake r I could get him to go to counciling to have a better father for our son and avoid him taking ds to ow.

He came home late,

Same as he did before, He knows I know where he’s been. I don’t know how to approach this because you cannot approach anything with a bpd person well.

Ideally for our d I wanted wh to quick deed me the home, and give me 90/10 (as ow lives 50 min away, and that’s whee he’s live ) and that he not allow ow to see our son for 1 year for the transition to occur. Our child has only know. Daddy and mommy and traditional home.

But I can’t figure out how to do this. With his actions he’s sealed our fate. He tells me one thing and does another . He even said while I was recording him.

So much....again I’m grieving the loss of my grandmother , only a handful of friends lkmow my situation. My family doesn’t , Ive kept this quiet.

It’s hard

Please tell your friends and family. Don't keep his dirty secrets. You need real life support.

I agree, time to share the truth. It will help.

In addition. Cant be married and have a girlfriend, doesn't work that way. Honestly, your reason for divorce could be as simple as that.

I have a friend who said she got divorced because she didn't like her husbands girlfriend. Love this.

Lol yes... but do not like my wh girlfriend for sure

I really tried not to start a fight with wh and when I was walking out the door he asked where I was going and I said to get some tools from a friend (what he said he was doing yesterday for 6hrs) he pointed at his tools and said like those? I said yup

He the text me 15 min later to set up our meeting we’re we were going to discuss our future.

He declined the first time caise he’s truck needed service

So here we go!

I’m scared but no going back!

You need to unsubscribe from his reality. (Easier said than done, I know). Pay no attention to anything he says. You know he doesn't live in the real world and you know how easy it is to get caught up in his version of the truth. If you Google the 'observe don't absorb' method, it will help you to interact with him without getting drawn into the crazy. And be sure, if he thinks you are leaving the crazy will ramp up. The threats will become more intense, as will his promises to move the moon and stars to keep you. None of it is true.

Eta: wanted to second telling people irl. People who are not enmeshed in the situation will help you see it for what it really is.

[This message edited by redfury at 3:08 PM, January 6th (Saturday)]

I believe that my ex reached a point where he decided (with the mow help), that I would never leave him. I couldn't live without him. Well, I reached a point where I got tired of him walking around like he was wearing a crown and I was his jester. Filed for divorce...no regrets.

We came back from a family vacation and he started picking arguments over stupid things. Then went to a friend of mine and said he was "unhappy" and I was a "cold bitch". He wanted her to push me into counselling for me to work out my issues and...play the pick me dance for him. All this happened within the first 2 weeks of getting back from holiday. I still can't figure out what "problems" he thought I had. But in hindsight, I'm told that he couldn't decide whether to leave or not so wanted to show "he tried - not his fault" and that one of his OW was threatening to tell everything.

I knew *something* was going on and began to suspect cheating. Found messages and phone records with three different women. Also found a call to a hotel - so I called them. "Booked" a room for that night (I asked for "our usual") and when the clerk said "No problem. Will I charge the credit card we have on file?" Yup - I was done.

Timeline began April 1 and I had proof of cheating by April 12. He was out of the house by the end of the month.

The final straw both times for me was when I lost respect for myself.

I tried for almost 3 years to R with a WH who I do believe was sincerely remorseful. He did many of the right things, like going to IC and trying to become a better human being, being transparent, being more involved at home. But he never convinced me that he wanted to stay with ME for ME.

The final straw for me was a cruise we took to Alaska. It was as close to "affair" conditions as we were ever going to get: no kids, no work, no responsibilities, nothing to do but enjoy each other's company. And even there, we did not manage to have a single enjoyable bout of sex, and I did not feel special or loved. It was then that I knew the ghost of his LTA OW was going to haunt us forever, that I was always going to feel like a settled-for, 2nd best runner up. I decided it was better to D and actually BE alone than to feel so lonely inside the M.

He told me on DDay that LTA OW was "the best he ever had, or ever would have, bar none," although he tried to walk this back after the first year, when R continued to be a struggle. I wish I had believed him then and not put us through the pain of that pathetic attempted R.

[This message edited by krsplat at 9:48 AM, January 7th (Sunday)]