SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

brkenagain - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as an older teenager and all I can tell you is that your WH is an abuser. Please hear those words and then read all the replies on this thread and some of your others. It's hard to hear and comprehend when someone isn't beating you that you are a victim of abuse, but you ARE. Emotional abuse is much more difficult to acknowledge as a victim. I lived in denial. It helped over a period of time when people repeatedly told me that I deserved better and pointed out the abusive behaviors. Eventually I came to the conclusion for myself, but it took me 3 years.

You have gotten some great advice from others.

So here is what I will say: Your WH is absolutely trying to control you. He is abusive. His reactions are not reasonable. He is manipulating you. You deserve better!! I would encourage you to reach out to any support system you have available to help you (family, church, friends). Please consult an attorney. I understand you don't want to D, but your WH does not feel remorse. He is not sorry and you cannot R with someone like this. Even with a spouse that does ALL the right things, it is almost impossible to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.

Hugs to you for the pain you are feeling. Prayers that you will have the strength to do what is necessary to ensure your future happiness.

He knows this abusive behavior will have you feeling at the breaking point. He KNOWS that how he is treating you will make you feel desperate. That is the reason he is doing it, to control your responses and reactions.

Listen to the great advice here and think about this... HE WANTS YOU BROKEN!! Read that again... He WANTS you BROKEN. When you are broken, you are easily manipulated. When you are uneasy or afraid you are easily manipulated. Like others have said, he is also trying to isolate you so that you don't have support to stand up to him. If he can keep you timid and afraid then he gets to rule you and abuse you and get whatever he wants.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My suggestion would be to research Narcissistic Personality and read up on that. I'm no doctor, but he sounds like he fits the description.

Brokn

He feels threatened when you come on to SI. He knows that there are people that can call his bullshit and he doesn’t like it.

My fWH used to say the same thing told me what do they know and why would you believe a stranger. I told him that he was more of a stranger than the people here and I was just lurking at that time because I wasn’t ready to talk about things.

Tell him that you give the ultimatums not him. He cheated he broke your trust so he shuts up and listens to what you need or he can walk out the door.

I’m angry for you

After the horrible texts last night he just sent me a I miss you text. I haven’t responded. This makes me feel bad when I am not texting bad, but I don’t know what to say.

After the horrible texts last night he just sent me a I miss you text. I haven’t responded. This makes me feel bad when I am not texting bad, but I don’t know what to say.

He is now telling me to choose him or forums

Really? Wow.

What happens to "whatever you need in order to heal" mindset the WS needs to adopt for R to even be a possibility?

He is insecure and that is NOT yours to fix by texting more, reassuring him more (HE IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED).

What positives do you get from this relationship?

I realize you have three children and that is hard.

But your WH is controlling you. What kind of life is this for you and your children?

Hugs and strength.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:16 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

He doesn’t get home until Saturday. Use Thursday and Friday to see an attorney. Choose yourself. Choose your well-being. Choose your sanity.

This man (term used loosely) is destroying you. Your kids will see their mom destroyed by their dad. NO. NO. NO. Do not allow it for one more day. Stand up for yourself. Please.

This is wonderful advice. Read this 100 times tonight and get the ball rolling tomorrow.

Even if you decide not to file, you'll at least have taken some steps toward saving yourself.

He is an abuser.

He is an abuser.

He is an abuser.

Why oh why do I desire his approval so much! Why do I want something to work so badly when he obviously isn’t what I need him to be. Grr why why why!!! I’m so spineless

Brken, get an IC and explore that some more. I agree with everyone else who said that this is an unreasonable, controlling demand of his and that it's abusive. Get more support for yourself and don't give in.

Change your thinking. Instead of “I’m so spineless”, start the opposite self talk. “I DO have a spine!” “I am a wonderful wife and mother and deserve to be treated better.” “ Tomorrow I am going to use my newly found spine to call and set up an appointment to see an attorney.”

Ignore his attempt at charming you again with his texts. It’s typical NPD tactics. Recognize it for what it is. Ignore him. Contact an attorney tomorrow. Put an end to this. He only wants to manipulate you. You do not want to continue living like this.

You are strong. You have a spine. You deserve better. You are going to take action. You are going to have a better life.

I think he wants a D.

No WH throws an ultimatum like that in your face unless he want a D. He just wants to pin it on you, make you the bad guy.

He knows you do not want a D. You play the pick me dance. You know that he can easily go out and replace you. He had 5 while he was married to you

Any man who throws the threat of D'ing you over something so frivolous, just don't care if he get a D.

You know that too. I am sorry. He is emotionally abusing your love for him and using your fear of D.

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:48 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

Ugh it crushes me to hear he may be secretly wanting me to leave him. Full out crushing! I felt like it was more of the mind games he likes to play. Not going to lie, it was hard to function today

After the horrible texts last night he just sent me a I miss you text.

And this is done to keep you off-balance.

This is what causes a betrayal bond.

It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

He's destroying you bit by bit.

Please see it for what it is.

Please see him for what he is.

Please do something about it.

Let's look back at the abuse cycle.

He left. The tension and anxiety built. He lashed out, caused you pain and self doubt. Gave an ultimatum. Let you stew and fret. Now he is buttering you up again so he can start all over.

You cab end it by not responding.

You feel the need for approval because he has destroyed your self esteem. He sees you gaining strength abd it pisses him off his little woman isnt behaving.

This ends when you say it does. Again, you are setting an example for your children. Show them it's okay to demand respect and walk away if your partner is incapable.

You have had a lot of good advice on here. But I saw something very specific.

He said your problems are private.

So I went looking for your original story. Multiple affairs.

He threw your privacy out the door over and over. BUT you are supposed to protect him? THAT is not logical, fair or reasonable.

Please believe everyone here that he is not in a remorseful mind. And he is making YOU choose, as if it is your fault for anything that rocks his boat. He wants to blame you for it ending too....and he is setting you up for it.

Lets be clear. HIS emotions are his responsibility, but he is making you responsible for his emotions, his mistakes and his need to isolate you.

This is emotional control and the isolation tactic is abusive in that it leaves you with no support system for your pain. But he is demanding you attend to his pain.

Last - it is human nature to want to be in love with what we work hardest at. Let's substitute that word "love" with "connection" to make it clearer.

You want to be in connection with him because you have worked hard through so much pain. And you need support to survive that. Support he is denying. And when he uses the word divorce, he is stabbing that need for connection for the healing hard work you have done.

He is threatening to force you to disconnect from him after you have made so much effort. This is highly manipulative.

Please take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Ask yourself, first, if his hysteria can or ever has become physical or dangerous. If so - say nothing, grab your purse and your keys and walk out the door and get to safety.

IF NOT - if you are safe. Perhaps turn it back on him. Tell him his emotions are HIS responsibility. His need to isolate you is HIS problem, not yours. And if he wants the divorce he can go file and do the dirty work himself.

I do think you should privately consult an attorney anyway. The word divorce is in the air several times, and an attorney will help you navigate no matter if it happens or not. It is ok to be lined up for divorce even if you are unsure if you want to do that.

And if he IS physically abusive, I really would encourage you to consider divorce anyway. If you have kids and cant' leave, and he is not safe, please call authorities and do not minimize any of it (also be truthful and don't embellish). Your safety is paramount above all.

I say all of this, wanting you to know that these are suggestions - not demands. You need to decide for yourself. He has taken enough of your power away. And we should not take it away either.

Empower yourself to act. Own your life again.

I just worry this last argument gives him ammo to go do something stupid.

PLEASE know...there is NOTHING you can do or NOT do that will stop him or make him do ANYTHING. HE has a CHOICE in what he does...and YOU won't be the reason for any CHOICE he makes Dear Lady.

Look at all of us here...we are trying to help you. But it is your CHOICE as to what you will do. NOTHING we say will stop you or make you do anything. The same is true for him. Please don't worry about what you say or do. If he is truly remorseful...he will make the right CHOICE . You deserve nothing less!

Just wanted to get on here real quick and say thank you to everyone. My husband gets back in an hour from his 6 day trip. I appreciate everyone’s advice. I don’t know what the future holds. Wish me luck:)

My heart hurts for you, brkenagain. Your last response sounds so much more optimistic - I remember that feeling well. The dry spell is over - no more angry texts, no more silent treatment - now he's returned...and you feel so relieved and elated that things are back to good. I remember this feeling so well. This part is actually the hook of the cycle...this feel good stage. It's the relief that floods you when you finally get a hit of your drug.

This cycle is called "intermittent reinforcement"...aka "bread crumbing". It serves two purposes:

(1) To keep you starving, desperate for him to just deliver the next crumb of affection, reassurance.

(2) To have you learn to survive on only receiving crumbs...a dumbing down of your expectations. You finally get that little morsel and you are just so happy that all the cruel and controlling behavior that happened before (the name calling, the ultimatums, the silent treatment) is just forgotten. Over time, obtaining the crumbs...trying to keep your supply...is all you can think about. And despite the fact that you know he is cruel, you will modify your behavior in unimaginable ways and accept treatment that you would have never imagined for less and less crumbs.

Please do some research on this... It's a very powerful form of psychological manipulation and it literally can rewrite the circuitry in your brain.

Sorry mam but you need to stop listening to his bullshit.

I am aware I am not strong enough yet to make any serious decisions. But I feel like I am stronger than I have been. I really just wanted to make sure to thank you all for being there when no one else really can or can even come close to understanding. It helps to know that. Hugs to everyone. Thank you all