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My husband was getting mad at me cause I didn’t text him enough while he is gone. Then I mentioned I get on here cause that’s how badly I want to make things work and learn ways to move on. I was then told fuck off if you talk to strangers about stuff. And he is still cussing me out through texting on how ridiculous I am and need to get a life. I am so upset and don’t know what to even say back. I am supposed to just sit and suffer and talk to no one. I can’t win and I’m crushed

(((HUGS)))

My H would get very upset when I would get on here. But others here would HELP me to figure things out...and I could bring up subjects I hadn't thought about before. I told him that I NEEDED this place because no one else knows about his A...and I had to find an outlet. After this he calmed down...but he knows that if he does something that makes me question it...I'm coming HERE to ask about it.

If you need to come here...please do. If your H is truly remorseful...he will understand.

He is now telling me to choose him or forums. He keeps telling me to make the choice. Forums or him. If I feel the need to talk with strangers than I need to divorce him. I said okay maybe a therapist, and he said no. It’s me or divorce. Hysterical now

Do you find his reaction excessive or unreasonable? Or is he like this on other matters, too?

It seems extreme to me....not a healthy reaction from him, although my H has gotten angry about my time here at times. But never to the degree youve described. Do you know why your time here upsets him so?

Honey, this guy is not remotely remorseful. Tell him divorce and shut off your phone.

He just says what the hell do they know. And our stuff should be private and it’s pathetic I talk to strangers about personal al and private matters. I’m like they don’t know who I am!!! He just kept coming back with choose. I can’t even contain myself tat this point. I’m breaking

He doesn't like the thought of losing control over you.

He doesn't want you to have any outside influence that might enlighten you to his isolation and abuse of you.

I'm so sorry.

I know you don't want to live like this. Please make the choice to refuse control and abuse.

You must feel so alone. I am so sorry.

As a WH who used threats and fear and anger to try and control situations with my wife, I can tell he is trying to control you. You need to get support for yourself first in whatever way that works best for you. You are not responsible for "choosing" him. You are responsible for choosing yourself. He needs to choose you by taking care of his crap that he brought into your life and your marriage.

Honey, this guy is not remotely remorseful. Tell him divorce and shut off your phone.

Yup, this.

Have you at least talked to a lawyer yet?

If not, you really need to.

He is abusing you, and using bullying, and fear to get you to do what he wants.

Do NOT allow this. You are an person that is equal to him, and you have every right to choose your own path, and do what you need to do.

I would encourage you to act today. See a lawyer, get a VAR, record the verbal abuse. Judges don't like bullies and abusers.

He feels like he is losing his control over you, and do not be surprised if he escalates, your reaction of breaking and coming undone, is exactly what he is aiming for.

You deserve better, and your children certainly deserve better.

He is now telling me to choose him or forums. He keeps telling me to make the choice. Forums or him. If I feel the need to talk with strangers than I need to divorce him. I said okay maybe a therapist, and he said no. It’s me or divorce. Hysterical now

Make an appointment with an attorney. Also with a counselor. I don't know your back story, but he sounds abusive and controlling.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 10:30 AM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

I think perhaps he's brainwashed you. I read how awful you feel. All I can suggest is going NC, getting a good D lawyer, and filing for D and for a restraining order, though an RO may be impossibleto get at this point.

NC means no new hurts. Given his abusive nature, maybe that should be 'NC means fewer new hurts.'

Well now it’s radio silence which I hate. Makes me want to text but I also don’t want to play the games since he is waiting for me to text. I hate that he is gone until Saturday also, now I just worry this last argument gives him ammo to go do something stupid. Ugh I’m hurting so badly and trying to keep it together

Cutting you off from, or manipulating you to cut off resources or connections is abusive behavior. It the hallmark of an abuser.

Cutting you off from, or manipulating you to cut off resources or connections is abusive behavior. It the hallmark of an abuser.

This! Exactly this.

Only YOU know what you need to heal, and if this person who hurt you can't deal with that -- protect yourself and find someone who cares about you.

He's isolating you.

Has he done this with friends and family, too? I suspect so. Again, hallmark of an abuser.

He'll give you just enough, here and there, to keep you hanging on with a thread of hope, and then he'll hurt you again.

Please do 2 things today:

Google "Betrayal Bonds" - it changed my life.

Read The 180. And then read it again, and again.

Please, for you own sanity sake.

Ugh I know all this and just want to sit in my closet and cry but can’t because I am a mom of three who get out of school soon.

Brkenagain, my heart breaks for you. I went through and read all your previous posts. I think you know what you need to do, but you are resisting doing it. He has cheated on you with five women that you KNOW about. My guess is that there are many many more. In one post you said that you have access to his phone but never look. Sadly, I think you want to play ostrich and think that somehow life can become good again.

Hun, he has no desire or intention to change. He simply tries to appease you for a short while after each discovery and then goes back to his cheating ways. He emotionally abuses you. I think you are so used to it, you don’t know any different anymore. This isn’t OK.

He doesn’t want you to get any support, not here and not IRL.

This is not someone who is remorseful, supportive, loving, or any type of marriage material. You really need to get out. He is not going to change. He has no incentive to change. He wants you to forget his misdeeds and be the loving adoring wife who does everything around the house and for his kids.

Please go see an attorney and find out your rights. You make a decent income on your own and you will also get spousal support and child support. You can do this.

It’s been almost 2 years of you putting up with this from him. Gently, when is enough going to be enough for you? You said that you wouldn’t stand for a friend or sister to be treated like this, yet you continue to allow this. Only YOU can make this change. You need to dig very deep and find every bit of courage and strength that you have to get out of this marriage.

I know you say you do not want to “ruin“ your children’s childhood but I think they are currently witnesses to a terrible example of how a husband should treat a wife.

Do you have someone that is willing to be your supporter, drive to the attorney’s office, and hold your feet to the fire? Someone who will spur you to action ? Someone who wants what is best for you and is willing to push you, out of their love and concern for you? The community here at SI is wonderful and we have your back, but we are still only words on the screen that cannot take you by the hand and walk with you into that attorney’s office. I sure wish we could.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “nothing changes if nothing changes”. YOU need to make the changes. Your WH won’t. He’s not going to change. Hoping for your old life/relationship back won’t get you anywhere. Do you still want to be feeling this way and having the exact same issues two more years from now? I can’t imagine that you do.

I am praying for your strength to stand up for yourself, know you deserve better, go see an attorney, and start the divorce process. You can do this. You have to. Do it FOR yourself and FOR your kids.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 2:06 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

He doesn’t get home until Saturday. Use Thursday and Friday to see an attorney. Choose yourself. Choose your well-being. Choose your sanity.

This man (term used loosely) is destroying you. Your kids will see their mom destroyed by their dad. NO. NO. NO. Do not allow it for one more day. Stand up for yourself. Please.

You deserve so much better than what this asshole is giving you. He is being abusive.

Stand up for yourself, tell him you will do as you see fit to help you heal and then see a couple of lawyers and find out what all your options are.

He sounds like such a jerk.