SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm nearly 4 month in after D-day, to make a long story short, I found screenshots that led to the discovery of an affair that lasted from 2011 to 2014. The AP was a friend, I worked a lot, at times holding down to jobs to scrape by until I got a big promotion in 2013 that put me in a hotel about 25% of the time. I wasn't the greatest husband, our sex lives diminished, I grew angry, depressed, alone. So I changed. I left the job in 2015, I tried to be home at an adequate time, tried to be a better husband and father to our 3 kids. The time between leaving the job and Oct. 2017 were the the best times in our marriage, our relationship improved, the sex improved, our lives improves. Then DDay.

The last 4 months are a depressing blare of emotions. I'm struggling to find the happiness I had before. She's trying so hard to make things right, I'm just so depressed that it's hard to see any light. I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to explain anything, and I'm at the point that I know I love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her. There are days where the betrayal feels so fresh that I can't be near her, and days where it feels so far gone I feel like I used to. Most days I feel nothing but emptiness and pain. I do my best to hide it from my children, I chose not to tell friends or family due to an issue we had as a family years ago with my sister and my former brother in law. I know I should seek counseling but I don't feel like speaking with others about it. I'm just shattered and just hoping to make it through the day.

Hi, welcome to SI. You have come to a great place for support and knowledge.

Please don't ever blame yourself for her affair. Not once. She chose to cheat, it's all on her. If she was unhappy, she could have sought counseling, communicated with you, talked with a pastor or trusted family member or friend. She chose to cheat.

I suggest you meet with your MD for some temporary medications to help you cope. Infidelity causes trauma, it is emotional abuse....many of us here have depended on medication to get us over the hump.

Healing from infidelity is a process that will take a very long time. No easy button.

You said you don't want to meet with a therapist, but I think finding a GOOD therapist (not all are created equal) will help you process your feelings.

What you are feeling is very normal, up, down, and all around. Sad, depressed, angry, numb. Are you taking time for yourself? Exercising? A hobby? Volunteering? Anything to give you a break from the thoughts, exercise does help.

Please check out the Healing Library. Chock full of great articles.

Know you are not alone. Sixty-thousand of us here to support you as best as we can.

Everyone has had tough times in their marriage especially early on trying to make ends meet. It's called sacrifice. However, don't use your attempts at working to justify her affair with a friend no less. You appear to be making excuses for her. Stop!!!! There isn't any.

So the next time you have to put in extra effort at work like we all do sometimes it's an excuse for her to cheat again?

She not perfect either. Did you have an affair because of it?

Oh and the "friend" is a snake. If he has a wife she should be informed without warning.

You need some support. I would confide in someone rather than carry this on my shoulders alone.

MoreThanBroken,

What actions are you seeing from her? Does she work with the adultery partner? Has there been any contact between them since DDay?

She needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Dr. Linda McDonald.

I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to explain anything

Start by telling her what you have said in this post. If you can't face that yet, write it out and give it to her if her actions show she has returned to the marriage and she is putting you first:

"I am depressed and it is hard for me to see any light. There are days when your betrayal feels so fresh that I can't be near you. Then some days the betrayal seems far gone and I feel like I used to. Most days I feel nothing but emptiness and pain. I know I love you. However, I'm not sure that I am in love with you."

This sh*t grinds you down and saps your body physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It impairs you ability to function well as a father and at your job.

You will feel better if you are able to share your pain with someone. If not family, then a friend. Even if it is someone from your past, even if it is long distant.

My personal experience is that long lasting deep depression needs outside help to provide relief. And it is also my personal experience that when you are deeply depressed you are almost incapable of seeking help. I said almost. Seek help because of your children. They need their Dad. They know something is not right but cannot process it or understand it. You need to get better for yourself and for them.

Go to your family doc. Say you are deeply depressed and have been for a long while. The doc may ask what is going on in your life. Share what you are comfortable with..."Stress at home, stress on the job..". Get some meds to help you with depression and a sleep aid if you are not sleeping.

Give your kids the gift of a better functioning dad by getting help. That includes meds from your doc and individual counseling for yourself. You're in pain. Reach out for help. You won't regret it. It will be the best gift you've given to yourself.

I wasn't the greatest husband

Nobody and no marriage is perfect and there is always room to improve. However, this isn't about you. Your wife chose to stab you in the back and emotionally eviscerate you. She is the one who needs to see that she is broken and that she needs to sort that out.

Most days I feel nothing but emptiness and pain.

Emotional wounds are invisible, but they are absolutely awful. Your expectation should be that you will be in "emotional ICU" for a while. Everything you describe in terms of the emotional roller coaster is, unfortunately, "normal" for what you've been through.

I chose not to tell friends or family...I know I should seek counseling but I don't feel like speaking with others about it.

This is the equivalent of having a major knife wound and thinking "It's OK -- if I just leave it alone, everything will be alright". The damage isn't going to get repaired and it could very well become infected which will lead to even more serious issues.

I'm not saying that you need to proclaim this to the world. You can (and should) be extremely selective in seeking out only those who are highly empathetic, care about you and (in the case of an individual counselor) who are skilled with trauma and infidelity. The thing is that part of the healing process is finding ways to let the pain out -- the anger, the grief, etc.

I'm just shattered and just hoping to make it through the day.

You've taken an important step -- posting here. It allows you to see that you're not alone and that others understand while providing a place for you to vent, receive advice and be encouraged. For now, take it one day or even one moment at a time. It is difficult, but you can make it.

As annb has already mentioned, take a look at The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp), especially the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses. It will help you see that your situation isn't unique and will allow you to avoid many of the common pitfalls that others have suffered.

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us!

I know I should seek counseling but I don't feel like speaking with others about it.

and yet here you are. That's a start.

I'm trying to open more, there's embarrassment in speaking openly, protection in doing it anonymously. My WW has taken a lot of steps, she ended all contact with AP, he's moved across country so that helps. She's trying, she has an account here, she reads self help books and websites. The affair ended so long ago she made those changes over the years, turned her focus on our family. I know the blame is hers to own, I am thankful she has changed, I still am so very broken over the who situation.

I'm trying to open more, there's embarrassment in speaking openly, protection in doing it anonymously.

Opening more is for your own healing and taking the step of doing it here is awesome for you. Congrats on making progress!

As far as embarrassment goes, it can take some time to recognize and really feel that the affair isn't a commentary on you at all and, therefore, it isn't embarrassing. However, it is more an issue that others don't simply don't understand infidelity at all and that our culture (especially Hollywood) paints the picture that the betrayed spouse must have been at fault in some way. Be patient with yourself and find those outlets where you can be safe and cared for.

I still am so very broken over the who situation.

Since the AP was a friend, this is an extra layer of emotional trauma and adds unique challenges/complications to the process of healing. We call it a Double Betrayal and you'll find a specific forum just for this topic in the "I Can Relate" area of this site. You may want to peek in on that forum and even post there if you like.

Having been through this myself, I'd encourage you to carefully assess where you are struggling and the impact on your physical, mental and emotional well being as the trauma is awful. Specifically, you'll want to be aware of anxiety and/or depression along with the potential for having developed PTSD from the trauma. If anxiety or depression is impeding your ability to function, that isn't uncommon and your doctor or a psychologist can work with you to find options that can help you get through the valley that comes after Dday. While triggers, mind movies and pain come with betrayal, it may make sense to see if you might be experiencing PTSD and if EMDR might help your healing process to accelerate.

I'm so sorry for all your pain. It is unimaginable grief that is hard to verbalize. But as others have pointed out, you've made this step. And thats something... A good first step. Be kind to yourself, see your doctor, get STD testing done and use meds to help you make it through this level of hell. Read, post, and keep sharing. This place is full of many knowledgeable and helpful people!

I am very sorry that this has happened to you. You will find the support here better than ANYWHERE else, be it online or in the real world.

To get the best support and advice possible, it's good to just tell your entire story in a post. Once you do that, you'll find that the advice you'll get here will be much more detailed, and the road to healing and out of infidelity is a much easier path to navigate.

It may have ended 3 years ago for her but for you the "betrayal" is fresh.

You must take the time to figure out what you want.

I'd make sure the "friend" knows never to contact again.

If it were me I would inform his wife.

That will get you some closure and control back

So...you should have still been in the honeymoon phase of your marriage when your WW decided to have a long term affair. You say you have three kids... hopefully they were not conceived during the affair timeline. If so you need to have them DNA tested.

Your WW has had years to get over this and to have her story straight. For you its like it happened yesterday. Give yourself some time to figure out if you really even want to stay in the marriage. Betrayal is betrayal no matter how you slice and dice it.

I will likely post my story shortly, getting it out could certainly help.

We had one child during affair, we got a DNA test recently and thankfully he is biologically mine.

The ties from AP are cut, I spoke with his long term gf and showed her the same proof that immediately sent red flags, she said she saw nothing wrong with the texts and called my WW a liar. I can't fault her, I know the AP well, he cheated often and was good about hiding his tracks.

will likely post my story shortly, getting it out could certainly help.

We had one child during affair, we got a DNA test recently and thankfully he is biologically mine.

The ties from AP are cut, I spoke with his long term gf and showed her the same proof that immediately sent red flags, she said she saw nothing wrong with the texts and called my WW a liar. I can't fault her, I know the AP well, he cheated often and was good about hiding his tracks.

Great start. Most live in fear at this time but you aren't. No matter what happens or which way this goes you'll come out much better and faster with your current mindset.

Sorry you're here

Two things.

You discovered your wife’s affair she didn’t confess. You may never have thought about it or realized it but shes deceitful

Your xfriend is a lying cheating snake and played a part in the affair but he took what your wife willing gave to him. It wasn’t a mistake but a conscious decision on her part. It was also a long term affair which means she was living another life separate from the one with you.

Once you start digging you may find that he ended the affair. Or that she may have even instigated it. Don’t be surprised at how deep and far it went. In your home, in your bed, etc.

Not sure what all you found out but all cheaters lie, hide and deceive a lot. I suspect she is full of regret at getting caught as far as remourse. That is s totally different subject.

You have to determine if this is a dealbreaker or not.

Infidelity is the gift that always keeps on giving.

R is 2-5 years with no guarantees. If you go that route.

You’ve been served a cold shit sandwich but you are the one who gets to decide whether to eat it. Or not.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:01 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

They only on that can determine your future is you.

No one else should get to make that decision.

Good luck

MTB

so sorry for you. It is truly heartbreaking when your spouse has an A - no matter how long ago.

Let me start by saying that my H traveled extensively for his jobs. There was a period of 11 months where he was flying to the opposite coast every week for 4-5 days.

And I did not cheat. I was home with small children. I did not resent him or have anger. That’s just life.

So please do not blame yourself for her A. An A iscan act of selfishness.

Regarding the timing. I completely know how you feel. My H had an EA for 4 years about 20 years ago. Complete denial. Gaslighting. Stonewall. Refused to acknowledge or discuss it.

Fast forward to his last A 4 years ago - he admitted to that OW about the EA. She told me he admitted it to her.

That has caused more problems. Knowing he knew that entire time the friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries - well I’m sorry but that is a whole different kind of pain b/c he kept it hidden all those years.

I knew about the 4 year EA. I confronted him and asked questions. I now see how truly selfish he is. Because he chose to cheat yet again. Because inflicting pain on someone once is not enough. Nope I needed a double dose.

The good news is that he has changed. He is not that same person. His last A was almost the nail in the coffin. He wanted a D. But we survived it and he is remorseful and trying to make amends every day for his actions.

Therapy helped saved my sanity and provide a way for us to get past this. I had an amazing guy that really connected in my level. I’m not into that love language crap. I’m a “give it to me straight” kind of person. And he did.

Finding the right person is critical and can be so helpful. They can put things in perspective. My therapist said I needed to let go of the 20 year past EA. Bury it. It was buried for 15 years and never ever spoken about.

Unfortunately I have a hard time doing that some days. Not easy. But I do a pretty damn good job of it I must say. But it took some work. On my part AND his part.

I've been on here a long time and I still don't know how to quote.

I just wanted to tell you I'm three years out and still haven't posted my story, so if it helps you are still ahead of me

I'm sorry you are going through this.

(((hugs)))

The reason you are feeling so milquetoast is that you have a feeling of no control over your life.

Full FULL exposure will not only get you that control but will provide you a bedrock of support that is necessary to get through this.

She’ll manipulate you into not doing this, of course

Sorry your here MTB,

I too found out about my WW’s A a few years after it ended. I’m 8 month’s post DDay and still having the ups and downs. What you said about feeling like it’s so far gone (in the past) and the next moment not being able to look at her is the real struggle. I feel guilty for having any feelings for her sometimes and when I think positively about her a voice in my head will sometimes pop up and tell me that what I feel isn’t real because the person I’m thinking about isn’t real. They’re a liar.

I commend my WW for reading tons of books and working hard, and I understand how both your WW and mine have done s lot of changing since the A, but sometimes I feel like the changes were being made behind my back too. The way I see it, everything up until discovery (and some even after) was a part of the A.

I wish you strength and I do think that putting your story out there helps. It helped me face some uncomfortable truths and things are slowly getting better. Keep plugging away and keep your happiness in mind.